How would you describe your personality without referring to MBTI, Enneagram, etc.?
This kind of activity is actually really difficult for me to do, but since I have the time I want to attempt it. I don’t easily talk about myself or the things that matter most to me. I wouldn’t say it’s intentional on my part, but I guess when I think back on my relationships and interactions with people I realize that I’ve always tended to take on the role of the listener rather than the speaker, and maybe that role has now become a habit. While I have had a few very close friendships that have been more reciprocal, this does seem to be an overall pattern in my life. I also think others having a tendency to view me as calm, easygoing, and fairly open minded has fed into this pattern; because I don’t readily share aspects of myself with others, I think others view me as kind of a neutral presence to vent to, ask advice from, or bounce ideas off of.
I resent this, but also recognize that I’ve had a hand in creating it. Sometimes I hold back because I’m not comfortable expressing my views on things; this is because I worry about contradictions in my thinking and sounding stupid. Other times I recognize that I’ve been intentionally resistant to others’ attempts to build a connection because of an (irrational) fear of losing myself or my sense of freedom. I’ll think I want a connection, but then have a tendency to choke up and “freeze†when I feel like things are moving too fast, that others are demanding too much of my time or energy, or that they’re becoming too dependent and/or enmeshed with me. I think the contradiction between wanting connection, but also fearing it at the same time underlies a lot of what I’ve been experiencing lately in terms of relationships (or lack thereof).
I guess that kind of explains my detachment and tendency to withdraw, but otherwise I tend to view myself as a pretty resourceful, analytical, reflective, and creative person. I enjoy solving real world problems and think that I’m good at zeroing in on the core of an issue and then brainstorming and using what’s around me to try and think of solutions. I enjoy being independent in this process and figuring things out on my own initially, but then also like to collaborate with others and share ideas. When I’m in this mode I am often much bolder and more assertive and will actively questions others’ ideas in order to fully understand their thinking. As a school psychologist that mostly does psychological testing for special education evaluations, a lot of my role demands a very similar process. Students are often referred for multiple reasons and it’s my job to individualize the evaluation by choosing the methods I think will yield the most accurate results (e.g. observations, parent/teacher/student interviews, standardized cognitive tests/behavior ratings scales). I then have to reconcile all these different pieces of data to create a holistic picture of the student, collaborate with other professionals who have done their own testing, and work together in order to develop a plan that works best for that student. I don’t always like my job because of a lot of the bullshit and bureaucracy that’s inherent in the education system, but I like it best when I’m allowed the time and the freedom to complete this process thoroughly and to my standards.
I think this process in and of itself is a creative one, but I also have a more traditionally creative side that I don’t get to express as much at work or with others. I love art and have always viewed it as a source of comfort and a way to release stress. I enjoy viewing art and have a Pinterest that’s mostly used for pinning different images I like and have discovered a lot of artists and photographers this way. I like to create too, but I’m not always motivated to do so and I’m in no way consistent with it. The stuff I do is mostly doodle drawing, but I love pottery too and took a class a couple years ago. I also love learning and reading about different topics of interest; some of these interests have faded over the years and others have been more long lasting. Some of my older interests were Tudor history, specifically Henry VIII and his wives, eating disorders/body image/self-esteem, and World War II and the Holocaust. One of my more enduring interests has been feminism/history of the women’s movement, which has morphed more recently into intersectionality and issues around race and privilege.
I think I have a lot going on internally, but a lot of it doesn’t get expressed because of the reasons I mentioned above. It’s not so much reflecting on feelings/emotions and moreso thinking about different ideas or analyzing different situations and/or people. In terms of feelings, I’m pretty neutral most of the time and have a tendency to repress and bottle things up until it spills over. I often don’t know what I’m feeling until I sit and down and think about it, or unless it’s a big emotion like being really happy or really sad. It’s also hard for me to put all of this into words unless I’m consciously thinking about it and making an effort, like now. Don’t ask me on the spot because my mind will go blank and you’ll never get an answer, but give me some time and I can probably surprise you (and myself) with how much I have to say.