I think I have expressed it in the past by a near-compulsion to do things that were socially unacceptable, and a deep need to ... I don't know exactly how to put it, but ... get behind the surface. Draw away the veil. Like Dostoevsky's going to brothels in the dead of night -- the question of "What goes on in the night? What goes on in the underworld?" used to occupy my mind excessively, and when I was younger, I wouldn't hesitate to investigate it by seeking it out, being fascinated by people who were bad for me, things that were bad for me, situations that were dangerous, etc., and at some points in my life, with a real desire to be ruined, or at least get close enough to the right circumstances for it to be able to see what it would be like.