[MENTION=8936]highlander[/MENTION]
The Good and Bad of it:
Being me is sort of like being Edward Scissorhands. I've long felt like the marginalized one on the edge of society who looks different, acts different, is different. People wind up taking offense to me, and I retreat to my castle on the hill to gaze with dwelling eyes upon the world I can never be a part of. This has been a major theme in my life. I struggle with isolation and feelings of being "apart from" and "different". (This undoubtedly started in grade school when other kids started telling me I was an "ugly alien"...withdrawal and isolation became my dominant way of interacting with the world after 10 years of this).
Sometimes, I try to hide this feeling with the mask of "Normal", which basically means I imitate what appear to be others' "social skills" in the hopes that I won't "suck too much" according to some social standard I'm not fully aware of. The problem with that is, people can't really get too close or make any observations about me, or else I go into retreat mode "OMG they think I'm a total freak and loser". So, I basically go through life alone, unable to make friends or influence people.
That's one of the more depressing things about being this type.
I've struggled with self-esteem issues. Both ways. I loathe and despise myself and feel like an awkward silly fool, or else I've got wildly inflated notions of my own awesomeness (usually depends on if I'm outside or inside the house, respectively). I am borderline dysmorphic, and I sometimes get onto invincibility spates where I forget my own physical limitations.
Others have mentioned having trouble seeing the envy in themselves? Well, I see it in me, in spades.
- Sometimes it's a quiet longing for some sort of better personality, usually based on others'. For example, I might meet someone with a sparkly, bubbly personality and think, "Why can't I be like that?" Then I'll meet some serious, silent person with their shit together, and I'll be like, "That's so badass...why can't I be like that?" Totally different character traits, and I envy them both. A lot of my thinking revolves around the phrase, "Why can't I have...?"
- Sometimes (usually) it's against everything I've perceived as "missing out" on in life--"they have friendship and cameraderie", "She's so beautiful", "why did everyone else get invited to the party except me?", and that's when you get that Hateful Envy. I'll go on tirades against everything I perceive as missing out on--in sanctimonious terms. "I hate how women dress like sluts" = "She's prettier than me and no guy would ever look at me if she were standing next to me and therefore it's a threat that I need to chop down with vehemence". I'd have hated to admit it was envy before I figured out I was a 4, but that's exactly right. Not gonna lie about it.
- Sometimes it's an enhanced awareness of haves and have-nots. "Why do they have everything served on a golden platter while I'm working minimum wage and can't even afford to pay for food???" *wants to line people up and shoot them*
- And sometimes, it's just a sort of restlessness, a constant looking over the horizon for something better, not finishing what I start, and then remaining unfulfilled. (I entertained 7 for awhile because of this pronounced tendency in me). I sometimes wake up from dreams and feel painfully wistful that real life can't be that awesome. I long for that otherworld.
- Calling myself a loser for not having an exciting enough life. Boredom + me = not good.
- Heart-rending, gutting feelings of deprivation for my lack of a love/sex life. Hatred towards "normal" people who can go about this business so easily (i.e., everyone).
Most of these are totally private thoughts that no one else really sees. If they do, it's because I'm ranting about it, not whining about it.
Anyway, I just made that sound like I totally suck. Sometimes I even think I do, but objectively speaking, I don't suck really. None of that shit ever stopped me from leading a semi-interesting life (even if it didn't always seem that way at the time). Sure I lack friends and lovers, but I've still traveled the world, met world leaders, had internships, worked on community activism, written blogs, gotten a degree, spoken publicly, punched people, and have plans for doing more awesome stuff in the future. That's actually what I wanted to discuss:
You can have ridiculously overpowering downswings when you're a 4, but despite it all (and this only comes from years of studying the enneagram) I think in most ways I'm a relatively normally functioning human being. I feel separate from human society, I feel like a freak, but I'm not nearly as pathetic and helpless as most descriptions would seem to suggest.
- I'm not clinically depressed. I have positive emotions sometimes. I've never cut myself. I don't lie around moaning about how I'm a poor misunderstood lil artist who's too special to work in an office or anything. (LOL bad stereotypes)
- Most of my fantasy life is, as others have alluded to, are a form of self-entertainment when I'm alone. My fantasies are EPIC, and if they ever find a way to convert thoughts to images on a television screen, I'll become a famous filmmaker.
- I CAN COPE WITH LIFE. I forget boring details like paying bills and cleaning my house, but that usually resolves itself when the stress becomes great enough that tertiary and inferior functions start showing themselves enough to get shit done. I feel competent enough, by and large. Not gonna get crushed.
- I CAN COPE WITH REALITY. Fantasies are fun, but I'm firmly vested in "the real world" and all it's problems. I consider myself a pragmatic realist in many ways (I can only blame my 8 and 6 fixes for this one; not sure why an xNFP 4w5 would think of herself this way).
- I hold down a job, go grocery shopping, play video games, travel, feed my cat, draw pictures, read the news, learn foreign languages, and other markers of being a marginally functional citizen. Sometimes I find this stuff boring, but I'm not so pathetic I need some knight in shiny armor to save me. LOL.
- At my best, I can work magic, pull off spectacular things, and convert things into something greater. I don't know why 4s never get the credit for this--this is usually associated with 7s.
Most of my life is just like that of people of other types, actually. The neuroses well up every now and again, and they shape the way I orient towards fellow humans...but I think type 4 is a valid psychology that defends against the world as well as any of the other types.