[Traditional Enneagram] Type 5 or 9?

[BeyondTheGrey]

Posted this before, but realised it might suit when searching for my enneatype instead of cog.functs.

Hello.
So recently Ive been rather stressed by life etc
Ive stopped doing school work, even though exams are coming up.
My long term goals don't make sense anymore.
Basically, I live life everyday, searching for answers and reading up on theories that are irrelevant to my entry into the real world.
I have trouble identifying my feelings, I used to push them aside a lot.
So I can't really find a way to overcome my current state since I can't get to the core of the issue. Ive become so nihilistic. I hate the terms right and wrong. Im insensitive to others.
Im extremely detached, so cut off from my own feelings, not that its a problem.
Im just amazed how I struggle to feel.
I used to love art, but it was purposeless for me.
I had no logical reason to create art.
Why am I mentioning it? read on.

I don't wish to get professional help, maybe Ill just live life, unhealthily until I eventually retreat into nothingness.
Im not depressed, i think. Besides, I don't quite trust anyone with my emotions. I end up feeling vulnerable when exposing them.
I used to want to be a master at something, I did it, but
It was useless, wasn't something that allowed me to progress along with the world, it would usually lead to me struggling in life.
Haven't experienced it, but I can see it. I feel insane. Im impulsive.

I am harsh, critical towards everyone.
Its normal for me to ignore my feelings, but now I seem to be purposely ignoring everyone else's feelings.
If they feel bad talking to me, honestly, Its their feelings, its their problem.
I just mentioned something theyre uncomfortable with.
I can't stand people who get their personal values and feelings involved in every conversation.
Now, I feel like talking and associating with people is just a waste of my time.
Yes, Im separating myself from the world, thinking of myself as superior in the sense of being rational and hard working.
Ironic huh.
Im taking a lot of unnecessary risks.
Somehow, I am attracted to danger.

I just hate people in general.
I hate them because they're all so self centred.
i never used to be this judgemental, but meh.
Hermit mode is back i think, Im just going to retreat into my head again.
Ive become more aggressive nowadays and seem to have multiple views, rational views, that make sense.
I got into a fight with multiple artists by questioning them etc. Most of them reacted emotionally and were so caught up with the details.
I need the big picture.
I question social constructs, I have views that people are not comfortable with, clearly.
I destroy definitions in my own self centred world.
Its almost as If i just want to destroy the world and let it rot.
I just keep antagonising others and pick fights with them, verbal arguments, where I insult them for having no control over their emotions etc

My father told me that Its more important to stand by a value, which is to prevent others from feeling bad, or worse, when they approach you.
To me, thats bullshit.
Like I said, Their feelings are within their control.
Where they are in life is because of their irrational choices.

Im becoming less open minded and more judgemental.
I really don't know much about my functions now that Im just looping theory and creating multiple theories about them and so on.
Feeling paranoid about some things and more importantly,
I just want to be alone, forever.
Its a choice I'm making, something I want to do.
I just completed a book. Crime and punishment by dostoevsky.
I really can relate to Raskolnikov. I don't think ill be able to describe myself as well as Dostoevsky did in this book.

In terms of enneagram, Im pretty sure I'm a 5. but share your opinions.
Ill be as nice as I possibly can for now.

What age range are you in?
20 years old.

Any disorders or conditions we should know about?
Unconfirmed. I am struggling now, disturbed by a few horrible things recently witnessed.

Main Questions
1. What do you think your life is about? What drives you in life? This can be something like a goal or a purpose, or anything else that comes to mind.

I am afraid to live. I wasn't really confident of my self, my abilities, etc. I do not know what its is that drives me in life. Im lost. I don't really care about myself, never really did. Saw myself as 'hollow.' I really think my life is a waste of my time.

2. What were you like as a kid?

I was compassionate, understanding, quiet, curious. My favourite word was 'Why?" I could even say it without moving my mouth. I felt quite a lot, used to question my parents actions, was exposed to a lot of stuff that just warped my sense of being. I distracted myself by drawing. I challenged myself to create something meaningful, something that brought out a different perspective. I gave up after a while. I was quite reserved and detached emotionally. The only trouble I gave the teachers was... not doing my homework.

3. Describe your relationship with your parents. Does anything stand out about the way you interacted?

Deep down, I love my parents, i think. They have their own lives and struggles and they only seem to care about my academics. I just can't talk to them and open up/ be myself around them.

4. What values are important to you? What do you hope to avoid doing or being?

I don't value anything other than the same things people value. Knowledge, acceptance etc. I avoid being someone rigid who stands by their personal beliefs 24/7.

5. Aside from phobias, are there any fears that characterized your childhood? Have they continued into the present day, or not, and if not, how have you dealt with them?

I feared expressing myself due to feeling vulnerable. My emotions made me vulnerable, so I gave up on it. I also used to fear my parents, for a while.. then I got used to the abuse. So no, they don't exist anymore, except for the fear of emotional expression. I deal with them by not getting close to people.

6. a.) How do you see yourself?

You may see me, but Im nothing, hollow, empty.

b.) How do you want others to see you?

I want to be seen as someone uplifting, someone people would feel comfortable around, someone who understands how things work. Someone who is logical, yet emotional. Someone who accepts them regardless of their past. Someone who's insights matter.

c.) What do you dislike the most in other people?

Their self-centredness. Their image focus, their irrationality. Their lack of self control. The whole concept of justice.
Personally I go for mercy aka the reduction of the ego.

7. Which habit do you most automatically act on? Rank the following habits from most to least automatic, on a scale of 1 (most) to 3 (least).
a.) Work for personal gain with more concern for self than for others.
b.) Strive for a sense of tranquility in yourself and the world around you
c.) Decide what is right for the betterment of something or someone else.

b)1
c)1
a)3

8. Where does the wandering mind take you? What provokes this?

Beyond the moment. When my mind wanders, I tend to become aware of some things. Besides that, I have a highly emotional/detached world playing out in my head. Ideas.
Most sensory experiences provoke this.

9.What makes you feel your best? What makes you feel your worst?

Nothing.

10. Let's talk about emotions. Explain what might make you feel the following, how they feel to you or how you react to the emotion:
a.) anger
b.) shame
c.) anxiety

a) Anger is unnecessary. It prevents you from thinking straight, you become an irrational monster. I personally, push it aside and focus on the current situation, rationally. When people are angry with me, I get agitated. Its too overwhelming, their emotions.

b) Shame is useless, It just prevents you from moving on in life. I personally feel it, I deal with it by isolating myself whenever I say something that seems "stupid" to me. It just makes me want to disappear at times.

c) Anxiety. I get panic attacks, but am only aware of it, when I actually feel. Otherwise, I could go on without feeling a thing. Yes, I have a lot of issues with anxiety. Comfort zone is highly important. I isolate myself a lot to prepare mentally for whatever it is I might possibly face. Its worse than shame.

11. Describe how you respond to the following:
a.) stress
b.) negative unexpected change
c.) conflict

a) Stress. It sorta energies me, scattering me. I get a bit hyper and impulsive. Dangerous. Then after all that, I retreat into my room, into my head and cry. I get depressed, i think.

b) I kind of like change. Positive or negative, unfortunately it just stresses me out, since I wasn't prepared for it. Id usually just push aside my emotions in that situation.

c) Conflict. It tires me out. I get disgusted by how immature and irrational people get. I don't bother resolving it, unless its worth my time.

12. a.) What kind of role are you naturally inclined to take in a group? Why?
b.) If put in power, how do you behave? Why?
c.) Do you tend to struggle with others who have authority over you? Why?

a) The counsellor, sometimes, the leader. I get asked a lot of questions.
b) I would be careful, do whats best for people and take action, something I've never really been able to do.
c) No. I stay away from their demands. They ask too much of me. I absolutely hate feeling overwhelmed, and intruded on.

13. What do you see or notice in others that most people don't?

I don't know what others miss out, so I can't give much of an accurate answer. I would say I look through them. Like a friend of mine, was shocked when I broke his character down into multiple pieces and gave it to him individually. I knew what motivated him.

14. Comment on your relationship with trust.

Generally ok. Respect would lead to trust. If I don't trust you, I probably wont talk to you much.

15. Briefly: What religious and/or political beliefs do you have? Do you think they influenced your responses in this questionnaire?

Im nihilistic and skeptical towards them. I don't think they did.

Optional Question (due to personal nature)

Discuss an event that has impacted your life significantly; more importantly, how you responded to it.

I lost my dog. I showed no emotion, just felt empty.
I knew a kid who was so messed up, she sent videos of her blowing some adult, a freaking 10 year old, that really disturbed me.
My mother was depressed and blames me for her current state.
My existence was unnecessary, basically I feel alienated.
I deal with them by isolating myself from society and indirectly neglecting myself.
I felt my emotions when I was alone.

Extra Questions

Which of the following temptations do you find yourself acting upon the most? (And briefly state why)

- To constantly push yourself to be “the best”
I have to be competent to survive.

- To be without needs, well-intentioned
I wont have to be a burden or dependent on anyone.

- To replace direct experience with concepts
Do that all the time. Instead of actively seeking out experiences, I think them out and rationalise my feelings towards them.

- To overuse imagination in searching for yourself
Mostly, but not all the time. My ideas define me, that was my thought process before I gave up.

- To avoid conflicts and asserting yourself
- To consider yourself entirely self-sufficient
Yes, i think they're linked. I already spoke about them above.

What's something you are: a.) thankful you have b.) wish you could have? Why?

a) Thankful for having a comfortable life meaning I have all I need.

b) Nothing.

Im stating all this in a detached manner, a third person view on myself and doing up a questionnaire wont do me any good.
Ultimately, my goal is to collect as much data as I can, organise it and then check out the descriptions for the most voted type.
Then, ill look at it in a different perspective and see if It really fits.

The reason Im posting it here is cause there weren't many response in the one i posted on PerC. There was a user who was nice, but typed me as a 9. I read up and didn't quite agree with that. Did some research and found out that he typed others as 9 so Im not sure if there was bias there.

 

[Duffy]

so/sp 4w5 or some sort of 6w5

Your 5 typing works too. Just throwing out alternatives.

 

[RobinSkye]

You sounds like me, but far into depression. You're "further down the rabbithole," and have lost all meaning in your life, it would seem. I, too, think at times about how nothing has any use and that I might like to just be alone (this less so, but I am typically reclusive). I think you are a 5 who is in grave distress. I'm also 20, and if you'd like to talk, I'm here.

 

[CitizenErased]

Yes, I agree that it may be 5. I think I had replied the MBTI version and said that it sounded very much like me. I also agree that there's a trace of depression. It's notorious that you sense that something is not right, that you used to be curious but just "gave up". I myself I'm trying to get out from that phase (that has been going on for years due to a heinous, outrageous amount of situations I lived). Yet I can't tell the wing.

Anyway, I second the motion, if you need someone to talk to, my computer's on 24/7

 

[BeyondTheGrey]

The funny part is this.
At my best, I'm compassionate.
Naturally what pushed me away from being sensitive to others, was the fact that I used to be affected by their emotions, in a way.
I could never figure out how I felt, but I had this emotional awareness that killed my ability to be around people. I'm not avoidant, I just find it to be a waste of my time. I knew what motivated people, etc could empathize.
The reason I know I'm deteriorating, is that I know what it felt like to feel connected and able to see thing clearly, teach and explain it clearly and at the same time, give out a different perspective that would move others. As for meaning, I'm, in a way, looking for the ultimate truth. I believe meaning is interpreted similarly, there is consistency, it's just the personal experiences and inability to look beyond it that messes it up.