INFtha14
:)
- Joined
- Dec 9, 2008
- Messages
- 1,844
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 6w7
- Instinctual Variant
- sp/sx
(based on needing to release pent up emotion and missing my father terribly. Hope it's not a downer)
Emotion can't described but I feel this sadness when I ever I hear " I started a joke" by Beegees. I remember seeing his face singing this song in his last months with such intense passion coupled with a hidden sadness that I could see there in his eyes.
I could feel the shift in the air of the emotional charge. That was his pain, and that makes/made me cry. I hope his last months were good to him even if they weren't easy. I wanted to take his pain away and make him healthy again.
Guess the "joke" was on me... to believe he'd be okay. I was so naive when I thought when he returned from his first surgery fine that "that" meant everything would be back to normal. I didn't understand the serious-ness of cancer or even how serious his was.
I remember seeing him coming home from the first surgery thinking finally my dad is home. He made it, he'll be okay now. Phew what a relief cause I don't know what I would do without him. 15 year old brown haired idealist girl running out to happily see her father cause it was over but thank god he was still here.
A year passed and it was june 2005 (he died september 4th 2005). My mother brings to my attention of how he hasn't gained any weight since his surgery last late june when he returned. "Shouldn't he have gained weight by now? May have to bring him in to see his doctor to do a check up on him".
So she does and as I wait at home with my little neice kayla who loves her grandpa so much. I remember sitting with her at home while my dad was getting surgically worked on to check on if he's got anymore cancer. I remember feeling a sadness in my stomach over the whole thing but I really just wanted to remain positive about it.
So I turned on the radio and played a really happy song that was meant to be bubbly etc. After a minute I had to turn it off as the sickening feeling in my stomach was only increasing.
Something obviously was bothering me and no music would cheer me up. I tried to smile for my neice and I did but my heart was crying terribly. Intuitively I could feel that something was not right is what I'm guessing by my reaction to the "happy" music.
But yet I remained naive. As soon as my mom got home from his trip to the hospital. I remember just waiting there hoping to goodness it was something solveable.
Well she told me when he got in, then proceeded to tell me that they found more cancer in his intestines, it has spread.
So still holding onto hope like a fool I ask
" So what are they going to do? Can they fix it?"
She tells me what the doctor told her and my father that one my oldest ISFJ
sister didn't think I should hear this right away. One thing (as caring as that was) I hate is having my emotions protected, I'm part of this family. I need to know how he's doing and what's happening not later, now. I'd sense the sadness in the air I told my mother I'd know.
She proceeds to tell me she wouldn't do that to me. I thanked her. She said that the doctor said he has four months to live if he's lucky.
My heart sank to the floor and I felt like I was outside of myself as if I was watching a tragic womens movie. This was really happening I thought. He's not going to make it...
I ask where is he? She tells me in the hospital for a couple more days and will need to eat through a tube/cans cause of the recent surgery till he recovered. My mom told me that he doesn't know yet so we got to not give him any idea.
We visited him in the hospital, I remember waiting with my little neice in the hall as I was looking around this place that beeped all the time and smelled weird. The emotional vibes were overwhelming to an extent, maybe cause of what was happening to my father, not merely the other people there but maybe it was that but in relation to my father i guess.
I knew this was a place of death, the oncology ward. Made me uneasy to be around such a heavy vibe.
They told him I guess before he came home. my mother cried with him when he found out. I guess he cried she hasn't seen in awhile.
He expressed worry of how was she going to be? How were we his children/grandchildren going to be? It's a no dah he didn't want to leave.
I remember one of my many emotional tears that would release themselves without permission but I knew they had to be released and delt with at the source. My dad.
He was so patient and kind with me. I remember three weeks prior to his death as I laid down for bed thinking "this is getting closer and closer. I don't know what i'm going to do with out him. I need to hug him." So I went to my mother quietly and told her my worries. She was feeling the same thing obviously. I asked if he was awake, if he wasn't I understood but I just wanted to hug him before I go to bed. She goes and checks. I hear her ask for "ralph? you awake?" He says "yeah I'm awake". She tells him to come out to the living room. Your youngest wants to give you a hug LOL.
I just remember seeing him walk in and I smile at him, he smiles at me. I loved to see my dad smile. He tells me " So I heard you wanted to give your old man a hug?" I said "yeah. Just before bed and stuff. I was thinking about you"
*So you know we hug and of course I start crying alittle then it picks up momentum.*
I said something along the lines of how I was worried how it was going to be without him. I told him I was really going to miss him, how I was scared of not having him here." I hope I wasn't selfish, but I wanted him to know how much he will be missed and my feelings. Really I just wanted to feel safe by the first man to ever hold me, to tell me he loves me so on and so on in such a scary time. Maybe it made him feel better too? I hope so. I hope I didn't cause him anymore pain.
I remember him telling me "it's alright. I'm still here now." Said something about will miss me too as he gently rubbed my back. I noticed I had quite abit of my tears on his shirt LOL. I said " Oh my goodness. I'm sorry dad, I kinda got your shirt wet haha."
He replied " It's alright" and made some funny comment about it that I can't really recall.
I remember him and I just standing hugging each other. I told my mother afterwards how i could feel myself holding onto him as if I didn't want to let go cause I wanted to cherish him being here but also like if I didn't let go maybe he'd stay. What a stupid thought right?
He still had a good attitude throughout the whole thing. I was amazed by it and almost felt like I should be the strong one for him.
So vivid I remember the last night of his life. I had this urge to come out and not go to sleep right away. After my sister left I stayed by his side. We watched some R news together (baseball statistics) and whatnot. At times I'd hold his hand, one time it got alittle sweaty so we shared a laugh over that one. Then I got up to get him something he wanted.
Gave it to him then I decided to stand beside his bedside while caressing what little hair he had left on his head while talking to him as he went in and out of what appeared to be consciousness now that I think about it.
He'd be resting for a few minutes as I caressed his head then he'd all of a sudden look up at me asking me "How are you doing sweety?".
I said: Doing okay, you?
Dad: Oh, I'm doing fine.
* I just kept resuming my hair petting XD. I stayed with him for about 2 hours or so to keep him company.*
I asked if he would be alright I went to bed? and if he needed anything that I could get for him? He was content. So I gave my dad one last kiss on his cheek as he did to mine as well.
Said "I love you Dad" he said " I love you too. Sleep well. Me: (probably said you too i'd imagine).
Didn't even realize that "that" was the first night that he or I didn't say "See you in the morning" like we both did as to comfort each every night. Intuitively we must of have known, he must of obviously known more concretly but you know.
I got for my birthday two weeks later after his death a card that had his writing on it saying happy 18th birthday, I love you.
Of course I cried, cause that was the best birthday gift anyone could have given me
.
Dad, I really miss you. Everyday I feel that missing peice but I'm making it okay but doesn't mean it's easy here. I'd love to have you see me getting ready for college, becoming a women. I only hope that my senior ball dress/make up stuff got to give you a glimpse of the women I was and am becoming. I put alot of effort into my appearance that day cause I guess I just wanted to see you smile dad and to be proud of me. Your words lit me up so much, I got your approval " Your going to be the belle of the ball. Steal all the guys eyes away". When I get married someday, I bet those words will be running through my head as if your saying it to me and I'll cry out of happiness cause you have never left my side Dad. Your words, the music you listen to are you and I still have your guidance as I turn into a women that I know you are watching from above.
I hope I have made you happy with my decisions in life so far. I will be elderly and still hear your voice, your guidance, your music that we loved to listen to together. The baseball games we went to together as well. Those were very magical moments in my life dad. You've made an impact and you still do, you always will. I love you where ever you are. I know your here in my heart so that's good enough for me.
Peace y'all. I just had to emotionally release this and get it out of my system. Hope I didn't bring anyone down at all.
Emotion can't described but I feel this sadness when I ever I hear " I started a joke" by Beegees. I remember seeing his face singing this song in his last months with such intense passion coupled with a hidden sadness that I could see there in his eyes.
I could feel the shift in the air of the emotional charge. That was his pain, and that makes/made me cry. I hope his last months were good to him even if they weren't easy. I wanted to take his pain away and make him healthy again.
Guess the "joke" was on me... to believe he'd be okay. I was so naive when I thought when he returned from his first surgery fine that "that" meant everything would be back to normal. I didn't understand the serious-ness of cancer or even how serious his was.
I remember seeing him coming home from the first surgery thinking finally my dad is home. He made it, he'll be okay now. Phew what a relief cause I don't know what I would do without him. 15 year old brown haired idealist girl running out to happily see her father cause it was over but thank god he was still here.
A year passed and it was june 2005 (he died september 4th 2005). My mother brings to my attention of how he hasn't gained any weight since his surgery last late june when he returned. "Shouldn't he have gained weight by now? May have to bring him in to see his doctor to do a check up on him".
So she does and as I wait at home with my little neice kayla who loves her grandpa so much. I remember sitting with her at home while my dad was getting surgically worked on to check on if he's got anymore cancer. I remember feeling a sadness in my stomach over the whole thing but I really just wanted to remain positive about it.
So I turned on the radio and played a really happy song that was meant to be bubbly etc. After a minute I had to turn it off as the sickening feeling in my stomach was only increasing.
Something obviously was bothering me and no music would cheer me up. I tried to smile for my neice and I did but my heart was crying terribly. Intuitively I could feel that something was not right is what I'm guessing by my reaction to the "happy" music.
But yet I remained naive. As soon as my mom got home from his trip to the hospital. I remember just waiting there hoping to goodness it was something solveable.
Well she told me when he got in, then proceeded to tell me that they found more cancer in his intestines, it has spread.
So still holding onto hope like a fool I ask
" So what are they going to do? Can they fix it?"
She tells me what the doctor told her and my father that one my oldest ISFJ
sister didn't think I should hear this right away. One thing (as caring as that was) I hate is having my emotions protected, I'm part of this family. I need to know how he's doing and what's happening not later, now. I'd sense the sadness in the air I told my mother I'd know.She proceeds to tell me she wouldn't do that to me. I thanked her. She said that the doctor said he has four months to live if he's lucky.
My heart sank to the floor and I felt like I was outside of myself as if I was watching a tragic womens movie. This was really happening I thought. He's not going to make it...
I ask where is he? She tells me in the hospital for a couple more days and will need to eat through a tube/cans cause of the recent surgery till he recovered. My mom told me that he doesn't know yet so we got to not give him any idea.
We visited him in the hospital, I remember waiting with my little neice in the hall as I was looking around this place that beeped all the time and smelled weird. The emotional vibes were overwhelming to an extent, maybe cause of what was happening to my father, not merely the other people there but maybe it was that but in relation to my father i guess.
I knew this was a place of death, the oncology ward. Made me uneasy to be around such a heavy vibe.
They told him I guess before he came home. my mother cried with him when he found out. I guess he cried she hasn't seen in awhile.
He expressed worry of how was she going to be? How were we his children/grandchildren going to be? It's a no dah he didn't want to leave.
I remember one of my many emotional tears that would release themselves without permission but I knew they had to be released and delt with at the source. My dad.
He was so patient and kind with me. I remember three weeks prior to his death as I laid down for bed thinking "this is getting closer and closer. I don't know what i'm going to do with out him. I need to hug him." So I went to my mother quietly and told her my worries. She was feeling the same thing obviously. I asked if he was awake, if he wasn't I understood but I just wanted to hug him before I go to bed. She goes and checks. I hear her ask for "ralph? you awake?" He says "yeah I'm awake". She tells him to come out to the living room. Your youngest wants to give you a hug LOL.
I just remember seeing him walk in and I smile at him, he smiles at me. I loved to see my dad smile. He tells me " So I heard you wanted to give your old man a hug?" I said "yeah. Just before bed and stuff. I was thinking about you"
*So you know we hug and of course I start crying alittle then it picks up momentum.*
I said something along the lines of how I was worried how it was going to be without him. I told him I was really going to miss him, how I was scared of not having him here." I hope I wasn't selfish, but I wanted him to know how much he will be missed and my feelings. Really I just wanted to feel safe by the first man to ever hold me, to tell me he loves me so on and so on in such a scary time. Maybe it made him feel better too? I hope so. I hope I didn't cause him anymore pain.
I remember him telling me "it's alright. I'm still here now." Said something about will miss me too as he gently rubbed my back. I noticed I had quite abit of my tears on his shirt LOL. I said " Oh my goodness. I'm sorry dad, I kinda got your shirt wet haha."
He replied " It's alright" and made some funny comment about it that I can't really recall.
I remember him and I just standing hugging each other. I told my mother afterwards how i could feel myself holding onto him as if I didn't want to let go cause I wanted to cherish him being here but also like if I didn't let go maybe he'd stay. What a stupid thought right?
He still had a good attitude throughout the whole thing. I was amazed by it and almost felt like I should be the strong one for him.
So vivid I remember the last night of his life. I had this urge to come out and not go to sleep right away. After my sister left I stayed by his side. We watched some R news together (baseball statistics) and whatnot. At times I'd hold his hand, one time it got alittle sweaty so we shared a laugh over that one. Then I got up to get him something he wanted.
Gave it to him then I decided to stand beside his bedside while caressing what little hair he had left on his head while talking to him as he went in and out of what appeared to be consciousness now that I think about it.
He'd be resting for a few minutes as I caressed his head then he'd all of a sudden look up at me asking me "How are you doing sweety?".
I said: Doing okay, you?
Dad: Oh, I'm doing fine.
* I just kept resuming my hair petting XD. I stayed with him for about 2 hours or so to keep him company.*
I asked if he would be alright I went to bed? and if he needed anything that I could get for him? He was content. So I gave my dad one last kiss on his cheek as he did to mine as well.
Said "I love you Dad" he said " I love you too. Sleep well. Me: (probably said you too i'd imagine).
Didn't even realize that "that" was the first night that he or I didn't say "See you in the morning" like we both did as to comfort each every night. Intuitively we must of have known, he must of obviously known more concretly but you know.
I got for my birthday two weeks later after his death a card that had his writing on it saying happy 18th birthday, I love you.
Of course I cried, cause that was the best birthday gift anyone could have given me
.Dad, I really miss you. Everyday I feel that missing peice but I'm making it okay but doesn't mean it's easy here. I'd love to have you see me getting ready for college, becoming a women. I only hope that my senior ball dress/make up stuff got to give you a glimpse of the women I was and am becoming. I put alot of effort into my appearance that day cause I guess I just wanted to see you smile dad and to be proud of me. Your words lit me up so much, I got your approval " Your going to be the belle of the ball. Steal all the guys eyes away". When I get married someday, I bet those words will be running through my head as if your saying it to me and I'll cry out of happiness cause you have never left my side Dad. Your words, the music you listen to are you and I still have your guidance as I turn into a women that I know you are watching from above.
I hope I have made you happy with my decisions in life so far. I will be elderly and still hear your voice, your guidance, your music that we loved to listen to together. The baseball games we went to together as well. Those were very magical moments in my life dad. You've made an impact and you still do, you always will. I love you
where ever you are. I know your here in my heart so that's good enough for me. Peace y'all. I just had to emotionally release this and get it out of my system. Hope I didn't bring anyone down at all.
