Seymour
Vaguely Precise
- Joined
- Sep 22, 2009
- Messages
- 1,579
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 5w4
- Instinctual Variant
- sx/so
The following sounds amazingly like my 5w6 sp partner is many ways.
For my partner, leaving home once he is settled in a huge deal... kind of unfathomingly huge from perspective. Running to the corner store, driving a guest home or picking someone up isn't a big thing for me, unless it's extremely late/early. For him, though, it's a huge drain on his precious, precious resources.
I think that the 5 and Sp qualities are reinforcing, especially when it comes to control of physical environment. (Both Sx and So have expects that involve a bit more reaching out, at least on occasion.)
Also, (at least in my limited experience), 5w6s tend to be less emotionally attuned than 5w4 (or maybe it's more T vs F). This means that even when they do feel isolated and lonely, they aren't particularly good at knowing how to bridge the gap. It leads to an impression that they say that want closeness, but are both afraid to reach out and not that good at responding in an attuned way when one does oneself.
So, I struggle with my partner on this front. I try to keep in mind that the actions arising from his issues are not a judgment of my importance to him. I also try to express appreciation when he does try to reach out. Still, not a solved issue, by any means.
So, 5s, how does someone who loves a 5 reach out to them and make it across that distance still being able to keep their own priorities somewhat?
My dad - he's either 6/5 or 5/6, very much in the middle - once shared in the middle of a painful family breakdown that he does feel lonely and isolated sometimes, but the difficulty is that he's rarely willing to reach out to us on our terms. He's an INTP, sp/sx, and had a somewhat painful childhood. I love and respect him and want to make him happy, but at the same time, he's kind of hard to get along with. He's very obsessive and picky in some ways, and he's not very willing to participate unless things are the way he likes them.
Things like... he'll put on music (quietly) even when others are sleeping, because he LOVES music. He'll ask us what we want to listen to, but he acts rejected if we don't want to listen. He'll want to do family recreation activities, but he gets super focused on us doing everything EXACTLY right, and it becomes more stressful than fun for many of us. When we try to explain, he gets upset because he feels like you're wasting your time doing it if you don't do it right. I asked him once to pick me up from the airport on a Friday evening, since he has Fri-Sun off, but he declined, saying he needed to practice music (he couldn't take a 40 minute break?). I know it was because he was stressed about an upcoming performance, but he performs regularly, and it just sort of drove home the feeling of me always needing to conform to his priorities, instead of him being able to reach out a little.
He loves us and is generous (if generally at my mom's prodding), but it's still hard sometimes. What I've figured out so far is that meeting on completely mutual ground - sailing, dining, etc - is easiest and most successful, but we don't have a huge overlap.
Any tips?
For my partner, leaving home once he is settled in a huge deal... kind of unfathomingly huge from perspective. Running to the corner store, driving a guest home or picking someone up isn't a big thing for me, unless it's extremely late/early. For him, though, it's a huge drain on his precious, precious resources.
I think that the 5 and Sp qualities are reinforcing, especially when it comes to control of physical environment. (Both Sx and So have expects that involve a bit more reaching out, at least on occasion.)
Also, (at least in my limited experience), 5w6s tend to be less emotionally attuned than 5w4 (or maybe it's more T vs F). This means that even when they do feel isolated and lonely, they aren't particularly good at knowing how to bridge the gap. It leads to an impression that they say that want closeness, but are both afraid to reach out and not that good at responding in an attuned way when one does oneself.
So, I struggle with my partner on this front. I try to keep in mind that the actions arising from his issues are not a judgment of my importance to him. I also try to express appreciation when he does try to reach out. Still, not a solved issue, by any means.