I have this uh, problem, where either my posts tend to be really short or really long. If its long, oftentimes it consists of me attepting to fill in holes-clarify meaning- just make sure that what I think I need to say... I say.
Problem is, much of the time this works against itself. What I write becomes muddled... To muddled for anyone to discern the meaning I was trying to show without really squinting to see it through all the bullshit.
Oh and sometimes... I can just get carried away with it. Sometimes Im not trying to clarify... Im just trying to develop. And I find that easier to do if I actively can do it- if I can just connect brain to something external... Then maybe I can make it grow. Idea after idea, and its so exciting sometimes... It can just carry itself. They can just carry themselves. But not always, sometimes its stressful. And... There is this fear. Now, sometimes I can have a bunch of little thought fragments jumping out at me, and I have to continuously catch them- and its like I am a person in a cartoon trying to cath 45 things in my 2 arms... And just yeah. Isnt always pretty the result of that. But I dont want to lose them, those fragments. I might never get them back, and they might be important. I might be able to build something, one of them might be a missing link to something... So sometimes... I just force them to exist. Because I cant have them fading. Its so sad to see them fade, feels like a waste. I just have to hope they build something- that having them all makes something greater... And it isnt just a disappointing pile of nothing.
So yeah. I can be wordy.
And another part of that... Is I refuse to edit. I refuse to reread my posts before I post them. Because with me... Im a hidden perfectionist. And with that comes quite a bit of this sort of black and white thinking- or actually it more just demands strategies of black and white sometimes. If I edit a post- I will never stop. And I will hate it the whole time. And I probably wouldnt post it. So I can't. The material has to be sort of raw. Either all- endless editing- or nothing-endless posts. Endless posts- like this one... Are less upsetting because I dont have to review them.