I curious about your ideal, when it comes to how you would choose someone presenting their anger to you (when it’s directed at you). I’ve written a bunch of questions- any/all answers are appreciated, even if only one question feels worth answering. FWIW: I’m not going to ask further questions or participate here (unless directly asked to) because I don’t want to inadvertently do what Fe does and invalidate feelings. I really just would like to hear the answers.
How important are these things:
- saying something right away, instead of taking some time to calm down first, even if it means some unnecessarily harsh things and unfair accusations will likely be said.
I think there's no excuse for really laying into someone and saying cruel things. It's fine to say "I'm angry and irritated" (or whatever), but there's no reason to go for blood and intentionally act to wound and hit people's vulnerable points.
- waiting until they can have a rational/calm tone.
I'm 100% for not being blasted with undue emotional upset. I'm fine if someone says, "I'm too angry/upset/whatever to talk about this right now, can we talk about it in an hour?" (or whatever the timeframe is). I'd much rather have someone call a time out than get blasted with unfair nastiness.
- waiting until they can present rational/calm content. [Iow: how upsetting is it to be accused of something that you would never do by someone you consider close- even if they keep a calm tone? Or even if it isn’t someone close- is it agitating or does it feel condescending to be ‘accused’ (for lack of a better word) of something that seems petty to you, even with a calm tone….does it feel like someone ‘should know better’ or ‘should have thought about what they’re saying first’?]
I find being accused of bad intentions to be upsetting. I try to understand how others mean well, and appreciate when I'm given the same level of understanding. On the other hand, I'm painfully aware of my own pettiness and irritability. I know I have negative impulses and that others do, too. I'm not inherently "guilty" for such impulses (given that they are human and universal), but to be judged by them when I haven't acted upon them is unfair. I try to keep that in mind when dealing with others, too, and give them a reasonable benefit of a doubt. I feel that part of friendship is assuming the best, and going to the source before you judge someone.
- if someone is very angry, would you prefer/would you mind if they went to a 2nd party to discuss it before coming to you, if it would help them get rid of the unnecessarily harsh/unfair content?
I think I'd feel somewhat exposed (and possibly judged) if they went to a third party. I would, of course, understand if it were a close friend whom they needed as a sounding board. Still, I think I'd feel a bit awkward around said person, given that they'd heard a subjective view of how terrible I've been. I'd almost always prefer to try to resolve things directly, first, before a third party is involved.
- is there anything important (that I missed in above points) about how you’d define a “respectful†approach to having anger presented to you?
I think my list includes "no cheap shots/going for the throat", "be honest, but respectful" and "calling for a time out is fine." I want to hear what was upsetting/angering, without hearing "you made me feel..." or "you always ..." or "you never...". Conversely, I'm fine hearing (even when it's painful), "When you do X, it comes across as you communicating Y".
I also find it hard to take to suddenly hear a backlog of N months of complaints ("two months ago, you didn't say dinner was good, and THEN you didn't thank me for emptying the dishwasher!!!") I'd rather hear about things relative soon after they happen. "You've been doing it wrong for months" is hard to take, even if I realize that sometimes such things only become clear after the fact.
- specifically, what sorts of things create ‘white noise’ for you in conflict? Maybe a better way of describing ‘white noise’ (it’s been discussed around here before) would be the feeling of urgency like a baby crying or a dog barking- just an urgent feeling, a distinct distraction that something needs attending to. [I get the feeling having someone say they don’t feel <whatever feeling> when it seems clear to you they do is among this, feel free to set me straight if this doesn’t feel correct.]
For me, I think I big disconnect between what someone is saying and what they are emoting is a distraction. I really don't want people to falsify their emotions, but I also understand that many people have no idea how they are feeling in the moment. Still, it's really difficult for me to wrap my head around "I'm fine" or "I'm not angry" when the person is clearly not fine or is angry.
I'm okay someone saying "I don't know how I feel" or "I need time before I talk about it" (although those things may occasion worry on my part if it goes on very long).
I also find "why did you do X" comes across as "how could you be so stupid as to do X" or "how could you possibly justify X?" I appreciate it when it's clear that the intent is to understand, rather than judge.
And similarly I guess, how hard is it for you to adhere to those^ things yourself? Do you find it difficult to wait to express anger? Do you actually have to put effort into holding back expressing it, or does it take more (maybe even far more) effort to express it?
I'm not particularly good at expressing anger. Once every five years or so I get really angry, but even then it's contained and I don't lash out... it's very contained and cold in those cases. Otherwise, I find it easy to be momentarily irritated, but generally that's mostly an internal and quickly passing thing. I do my best not to strike out at others when I am angry/irritated, because I know that the damage of a few precisely aimed barbs can do... sometimes the damage can't be undone.
Finally: in your experience, what is the most difficult part of that process (of expressing it yourself)? [e.g. Nailing down exactly what you’re feeling? Nailing down exactly why you’re feeling it? Finding the words to express it?]
Personally, I find I'm usually hyper-aware of what I'm feeling, and generally I can articulate it pretty well. When expressing what I'm feeling will hurt the other person and/or upset them, I find it difficult to bring up and discuss, partially because I want to avoid weathering the intensity of the response (some 5-ish cowardliness there, I think).
If the other party is super upset, I may get overwhelmed by that and lose my normal emotional awareness, but that's very rare.