While browsing from some of Roger Ebert's reviews the other night, I stumbled upon his three-star review of Paul Blart: Mall Cop. I figured I'd take a look at it since the full movie was published illegally on YouTube.
Naturally, I didn't expect much -- I expected it to be a light-hearted Adam Sandler-produced family comedy...so of course, '80s music and plenty of crude jokes were in store.
What I got? A rather clean Adam Sandler-produced family comedy, an astonishing accomplishment, indeed! However, the film suffered one teensy-weensy problem that comedies with Adam Sandler's name attached tend to suffer: IT WASN'T FUCKING FUNNY!!!
For a family comedy, the idea had a lot of potential. Fat hypoglycemic security guard (who for some reason eats Pixy Styx instead of taking actual medication...I guess it was supposed to be some kind of joke) must take matters into his own hands when the mall is being robbed. Sounds like somewhat humorous potential, but in the end, it carries legions of fat jokes with a third act that I guess was supposed to be a Die Hard "parody" that's played totally straight. Couldn't they have just had the title character booby trap the mall and let the slapstick ensue? (Kids like that shit.) Because when you parody much better action movies and do it totally straight, all you get is a mediocre action movie.
Anyway, the film took place in New Jersey, not Chicago, and it wasn't about black people...so there are further deductions to be made as to why Roger Ebert enjoyed the movie. And I deduce that he liked it because it had a fat protagonist.