Snickie
also not a cat
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2016
- Messages
- 204
- MBTI Type
- InTP
- Enneagram
- 594
- Instinctual Variant
- sp
Prepare for giant monster questionnaire that may or may not contain too much information.
Section 0:
What types are you looking for from your questionnaire?
Most likely MBTI-JCF
Most likely Socionics type (and subtype if applicable)
Enneagram wings, tritype, and variant
Is there anything that may affect the way you answer the questions? For example, a stressful time, mental illness, medications, special life circumstances? Other useful information includes sex, age, and current state of mind.
20-21yo female, no siblings.
INFP mother and INTx father (both self-typed through dichotomies mostly). ESxx other relatives of varying health.
Suspected minor mental or neurological illness (not sure what kind, maybe some combination of traits from ADD, Asperger’s, Bipolar II, and/or Executive Dysfunction Disorder) but also slightly obsessed with the topic so possibly hypochondriac
Disabled father, depressed
Swinging back and forth between detached self-hatred because my grades aren't good enough and carefreeness (or, given the consequences, should it be considered carelessness?).
End of the semester, and I’m stressing myself out by not being stressed out enough to do all the crap I’ve procrastinated on that needs to all be done a week from now. It’s a lot of stuff. I made a quota sheet and I did most of the stuff on Monday, and then slept yesterday and today instead of doing stuff.
What are your preconceptions about your types? (optional to read)
The following questionnaire originally appeared on thepersonalitytheorist's Tumblr page (iirc). The owner of that page no longer does type analyses.
Section 1: Inclinations and Skills
Briefly describe your ideal social gathering. Include details such as approximate length of time, number of people, location, activity, etc.
Most of the time, I am perfectly happy to sit with my dad in the same room and communicate with him only through whatever online platform we happen to be using at the time (usually a forum or chatroom related to one of the games we both play), while ignoring each other in real life unless one of us needs food or one of the cats does something cute. On the other hand, I will go stir crazy if I don't talk to actual people at least on a biweekly basis, but it has to be on my terms. I like to meet with one or two of my friends (who should also be mutual friends), have lunch (everything is better over food), maybe go shopping-without-buying-anything or go to a theme park if we have passes (this is actually rare, especially considering my proximity to all the Orlando theme parks) or the beach (also rare), and then either go our separate ways or maybe have a sleepover where we do mainly social introvert-related things (e.g. crochet, obsessing over cats, board games, etc) at one of our houses and then go home the next day. But in the summer that doesn't happen a lot because people work or go away when I'm in town, so when I do end up talking to someone other than my parents (one-on-one) I end up talking their ear off, and that person is like, "Whoa, I've never heard you talk so much!"
What sort of tasks do you feel you are naturally adept at?
I have a stupidly diverse skillset. It makes figuring out what I want to do with them and my life a huge pain in the rear. Here we go:
How do you feel about interacting with others, before, during, and after?
It usually depends on with whom I’m interacting and how I feel the interaction went, particularly if my mother is there to tell me what I said or did that was apparently wrong or inappropriate that I missed in the moment. When I do catch it in the moment, I get nervous. When I don’t catch it until my mom or someone else points it out, I get upset, usually trying to justify what I said and why even though I know that if the other person said that I hurt them, I’m not allowed to tell them that I didn’t hurt them. I can say I didn’t mean to hurt them, but it doesn’t matter because the damage is done. Cue either pointed agreement to disagree or self-loathing, depending on how much I value that person’s opinions and feelings anyway.
I guess it just all depends on how much I want the other person to like me. Most of the time I’m indifferent to people’s feelings, especially people with whom I have no association except maybe they’re classmates or tutees (though I care enough to try to be neutral), and people I’m really close to because they understand me better and I can be more open. People who fall in the spectrum somewhere between those categories, though – I stress about those, especially if our first impressions aren’t good.
I don’t mind hallway small talk because it’s predictable and I know it’ll end quickly.
I dread phone calls. I do not like talking on the phone, particularly when I’m the one who has to make the call. I refuse to acknowledge that other people have the same problem. I’d rather text. I’d almost be perfectly happy to live in a world of non-verbal (written) communication (so long as people actually write well).
I joke that "socializing is exhausting" and I dislike “social chessâ€.
Describe your general mode of expression when dealing with others. You may include some details regarding what you talk about, but primarily describe how you do so.
It depends on the day and the topic of conversation and whether I have to be somewhere soon. In generally I like to be relatively informal. I take pride in my emotional detachment, but am also fairly comfortable expressing amusement or mildly irritation, mostly through sarcasm. It’s rare for me to act outwardly enthusiastic and excited about something, particularly because I don’t often feel it strongly inside, and especially when I start doing it and then notice it and start feeling ridiculous about it. My roommate gets onto me about that. I also don’t like expressing sadness in front of people.
If I’m bored, I might zone out. If it’s my grandmother talking, I’m not allowed to zone out, so I start getting snippy, but how dare I get snippy. If it’s someone talking to me about something important, I will make an effort to focus but I still have a tendency to zone out sometimes. My recall when I’m engaged is fairly strong and frankly annoying to some people lol.
I tend to mirror the other person’s demeanor, though I’m resistant to sadness and enthusiasm and over-the-top expressions of interpersonal caring. Um There there? Things that might not have earned more than a light chuckle at first glance might evoke genuine laughter when I show someone else and they think it’s hilarious.
I have an unfortunate tendency to state things meant to be factual that could be (and often are) interpreted as “Oh, she's bragging. What a braggart.†what no that's not what I'm doing at all oh no oh no hello hyperawareness ugh I'm such an idiot. Misinterpretation happens more when I'm talking to F types and acquaintances. I notice it more when I'm talking to friends. The ones who better understand how I think understand and they sometimes let me know when I've said something that's a little off, which I appreciate (and get annoyed at myself for).
If I'm feeling distinctly and shamefully uneducated or unprepared in a certain matter and the setting is casual enough, I'll let myself slip into a bit of a drawl, if you will. "Oh yeaaaahhhh, that. Yeah, I don't really know much about that." I almost always try to play it off casually. If it's actually important, it's a front. If it's not, then I probably don't actually care. If the shame is so strong, I’ll become almost completely avoidant, something I don’t take pride in.
Describe your general pattern of thought processes. You may include some details regarding what you think about, but primarily describe how you do so.
Oh dear, how do I even do this. o_o My thought processes vary depending on the subject. Sometimes it's an inner dialogue (that’s where my superego gets involved and feelings start happening and I get pissed off because I don’t really value feelings and yet they still manage to get in the way of things), sometimes it’s a search engine (fact recall), sometimes it's a sensory experience, usually sight and sound and very occasionally tactile (memory recall). At any given time I have some kind of dialogue or piece of music running through my mind as background noise, and I can sometimes suspend it for a few seconds at a time to engage with the background noises of the silence in the external world. Sometimes I jump pretty quickly from one subject to another, and then I have fun trying to figure out how exactly I got there. I can't really describe how exactly my mind works, and now I feel inadequate because other people can. xD
In math, if I have a rudimentary understanding of what I’m supposed to be doing (i.e. I took notes in class but I didn’t bother to do the homework or review said notes), then I tend to try to derive formulas again. In Calculus 1, I learned the multiplication and division rules like this, by plugging them into the difference quotient limit equation and doing all the work with that. I also figured out simple antiderivatives that way (I was playing a joke on a classmate’s “homecoming dance date†questionnaire and made it so he’d have to solve an equation to get my phone number lol), and then the teacher taught us integrals.
Following my dreams thread, I think dreams might give some insight to cognitive processes, especially the subconscious or vital ones. Mine are usually pretty vivid and involve scenarios, sometimes epics. I remember them better when I write them, usually in excruciating detail. I’m aware there’s some kind of hidden meaning behind why I dreamed what I did, but unless the dream was weird or disturbing enough or contained one of a handful of recurring themes, I don’t care to spend the energy trying to figure out what the “hidden meaning†is beyond the obvious. I've done cursory research into the symbology and at the end of the day I'm left with a bunch of possible connections that I don't know what to do with.
What sort of tasks have you repeatedly failed at?
Finishing things on time. o_o I am the worst at deadlines, particularly if what I have to do is something I regard as boring or purposeless in some context or if I just don't like it. Like right now, I'm doing this instead of working on a rough draft (boring) which was due two Tuesdays ago or instead of finishing a painting of my friend (coloring and curly hair are hard as ****) that was supposed to be given to her a month ago. I get obsessed with other things (like MBTI) and the more urgent things get abandoned. I think I have some level of executive dysfunction but I've never gotten help for it beyond seeing a counsellor for depression when I was in fourth grade. One visit actually kicked my butt, and I somehow mustered the work ethic of an ISTJ for a few weeks (before falling back into my old habits).
There’s a concept that’s touched upon many times in the Bible called acedia (Greek). It’s roughly translated in the list of the Seven Deadly Sins as “slothâ€, but the original intent of the word/concept is better represented by the term “spiritual apathyâ€. I struggle with this on so many levels. Or maybe I don’t because I don’t care enough to.
I’m pretty awful at team sports. Actually sports in general. I can barely run, though I’m usually at the front of the pack in my running group so ???.
Section 2: Motivations and Fears
Describe your personal worst case scenario - what would you absolutely hate to have happen to you? Where and how would you most hate to end up?
I fear being stuck in a situation where I somehow can’t save or provide for myself (even if providing for myself means crashing on a friend’s couch for a few days or so while I get myself together). This could be a number of things - being attacked and unable to defend myself due to inadequate training, being coerced unwillingly into something that violates me in some way (physically, mentally, or I just don’t want to), etc.
Also failure/incompetency, and that my boredom-induced inability to do the work will cause me to miss out on something I once thought was very important and/or worth it.
Briefly describe a negative experience you believe to have had an impact on you.
In the long run, few things have had a super lasting effect, even the negative experiences. Those that are caused by my own stupidity end up in my superego swooping in to self-punish via limiting contracts and the like. That is, until I get bored. I find loopholes in the contracts and new ways to entertain myself. Time-out never really worked for me as a child. The negative experiences tend to get shrugged off after a relatively short time.
The most pertinent story I can think of...
...So much for a “brief†description. XD
What are the main things you avoid in everyday life?
Unpleasant social interactions. Wasps. Doing homework. Finishing things.
What are the main things you seek out in everyday life?
Sustenance, be it physical (good food) or mental (through any medium that I find not boring). I like puzzles and I like creative endeavors (as long as the creativism is on my terms).
What do you wish to accomplish with your life?
I WANT TO BE USEFUL. I have this stupidly diverse skillset and talents and I don’t know what to do with them, but I want to put them to good use. It might help if I could define for myself what that meant. I suppose I want them to use them to be intellectually satisfying to me, and helping people would be nice too. I want to not feel like I’m working when I do my job. I feel like music more affects people than myself except when I’m working on a piece of literature that I happen to find appealling. Maths isn’t helping me with any of that, and it’s almost definitely work at this point. And medical sciences hasn’t been given much of a chance because I’ve been so focused on music, but I think it’d give me the balance of both I’m looking for. As long as I have the self-discipline to actually do the work required to get into the field, that is. I also want enough spare time to pursue creative/artistic endeavors as a hobby. And get enough sleep at night. With my cats.
Section 0:
What types are you looking for from your questionnaire?
Most likely MBTI-JCF
Most likely Socionics type (and subtype if applicable)
Enneagram wings, tritype, and variant
Is there anything that may affect the way you answer the questions? For example, a stressful time, mental illness, medications, special life circumstances? Other useful information includes sex, age, and current state of mind.
20-21yo female, no siblings.
INFP mother and INTx father (both self-typed through dichotomies mostly). ESxx other relatives of varying health.
Suspected minor mental or neurological illness (not sure what kind, maybe some combination of traits from ADD, Asperger’s, Bipolar II, and/or Executive Dysfunction Disorder) but also slightly obsessed with the topic so possibly hypochondriac
Disabled father, depressed
Swinging back and forth between detached self-hatred because my grades aren't good enough and carefreeness (or, given the consequences, should it be considered carelessness?).
End of the semester, and I’m stressing myself out by not being stressed out enough to do all the crap I’ve procrastinated on that needs to all be done a week from now. It’s a lot of stuff. I made a quota sheet and I did most of the stuff on Monday, and then slept yesterday and today instead of doing stuff.
What are your preconceptions about your types? (optional to read)
MBTI Dichotomies: ISTP. Without a doubt.
JCF
My understanding of the functions is largely based on funkymbtifiction’s Tumblr posts.
Ti/Fe conviction: inf Fe -> Ti dom.
Te/Fi conviction: Neither Fi nor Te are strong or valued enough to be in my stack unless they’re in the aux and tert positions. I’m pretty sure I’m an IxxP type though, which would make me Ji-dom and inf-Je, and that doesn’t fit my perception of how well I use Te and Fi but it does fit Ti and Fe, imo.
Se/Ni/Si/Ne conviction: I am so convinced I’m a sensor, but I’m not sure whether my use of sensing is more Si or Se. In JCF online tests Si is almost as strong as Ti with Ne trailing behind, and Se and Ni are often near the bottom of the stack.
My superego is either ENFP (manic pixie rhetoric type) or ESTJ (absurdly controlling). When I was little, this manifested in an imaginary brother named Kimmit.
Socionics
No idea, except if I’m irrational type then I’m rational subtype. Pretty sure L is in there somewhere. Definitely I (introvert). Dichotomies listed in a lower section.
Enneagram
According to tests and my own readings on the subject, I’m a 5X4 so/sp where X is either 1w9 or 9w1.
I’m not sure whether 5 is balanced or has a stronger wing (and which wing).
I see many traits of both 1 and 9 in myself, some days more than others.
I am willing to consider answers with 1 or 9 as core if you can support well why you think that (i.e. if I have a hard time arguing against it). The way I see it, while both 1 and 9 are each alone more prevalent than 4, I switch back and forth between them too much to consider either of them stronger than 5, even though the winged version might be stronger than the winged 5.
JCF
My understanding of the functions is largely based on funkymbtifiction’s Tumblr posts.
Ti/Fe conviction: inf Fe -> Ti dom.
Te/Fi conviction: Neither Fi nor Te are strong or valued enough to be in my stack unless they’re in the aux and tert positions. I’m pretty sure I’m an IxxP type though, which would make me Ji-dom and inf-Je, and that doesn’t fit my perception of how well I use Te and Fi but it does fit Ti and Fe, imo.
Se/Ni/Si/Ne conviction: I am so convinced I’m a sensor, but I’m not sure whether my use of sensing is more Si or Se. In JCF online tests Si is almost as strong as Ti with Ne trailing behind, and Se and Ni are often near the bottom of the stack.
My superego is either ENFP (manic pixie rhetoric type) or ESTJ (absurdly controlling). When I was little, this manifested in an imaginary brother named Kimmit.
Socionics
No idea, except if I’m irrational type then I’m rational subtype. Pretty sure L is in there somewhere. Definitely I (introvert). Dichotomies listed in a lower section.
Enneagram
According to tests and my own readings on the subject, I’m a 5X4 so/sp where X is either 1w9 or 9w1.
I’m not sure whether 5 is balanced or has a stronger wing (and which wing).
I see many traits of both 1 and 9 in myself, some days more than others.
I am willing to consider answers with 1 or 9 as core if you can support well why you think that (i.e. if I have a hard time arguing against it). The way I see it, while both 1 and 9 are each alone more prevalent than 4, I switch back and forth between them too much to consider either of them stronger than 5, even though the winged version might be stronger than the winged 5.
The following questionnaire originally appeared on thepersonalitytheorist's Tumblr page (iirc). The owner of that page no longer does type analyses.
Section 1: Inclinations and Skills
Briefly describe your ideal social gathering. Include details such as approximate length of time, number of people, location, activity, etc.
Most of the time, I am perfectly happy to sit with my dad in the same room and communicate with him only through whatever online platform we happen to be using at the time (usually a forum or chatroom related to one of the games we both play), while ignoring each other in real life unless one of us needs food or one of the cats does something cute. On the other hand, I will go stir crazy if I don't talk to actual people at least on a biweekly basis, but it has to be on my terms. I like to meet with one or two of my friends (who should also be mutual friends), have lunch (everything is better over food), maybe go shopping-without-buying-anything or go to a theme park if we have passes (this is actually rare, especially considering my proximity to all the Orlando theme parks) or the beach (also rare), and then either go our separate ways or maybe have a sleepover where we do mainly social introvert-related things (e.g. crochet, obsessing over cats, board games, etc) at one of our houses and then go home the next day. But in the summer that doesn't happen a lot because people work or go away when I'm in town, so when I do end up talking to someone other than my parents (one-on-one) I end up talking their ear off, and that person is like, "Whoa, I've never heard you talk so much!"
What sort of tasks do you feel you are naturally adept at?
I have a stupidly diverse skillset. It makes figuring out what I want to do with them and my life a huge pain in the rear. Here we go:
I'm a bit of an artist in multiple aspects - I mostly draw (mostly amateur-ish pencil drawings - coloring is a huge pain). My focus is mostly on realism and recreating images in specific preestablished cartoon styles. In other words, I recreate images and have a terrible time drawing something entirely from my mind because I’m a bit of a perfectionist. I’ve also been known to create images in digital drawing programs but imo these generally aren’t as good as my hand-drawn stuff.
I play musical instruments. First I learned some piano in elementary school, then I learned flute in sixth grade. The following year I picked up clarinet in a few weeks, then I picked up saxophone a few months later. I can also get by on oboe and sometimes brass instruments because observation ftw. Also, I tend to memorize my music (and others’ music) very easily. “By accident,†I tell people. Two weeks ago I performed a half-hour junior recital entirely from memory, with only one, non-obvious memory slip. Memorization here is required for pianists (thanks, Liszt) and singers, and I’ve seen a handful of violinists play without their sheet music, but it is almost unheard of for wind instrumentalists outside of scales. I’m not sure why. My approach to learning music is fairly emotionally void though, and it’s difficult for me to not play like a robot unless I somehow form an emotional attachment to the piece that isn’t entirely based in hatred shrouded by sarcasm.
I picked up assembling and disassembling my clarinet really quickly (like in a few hours to have the whole thing taken apart, cleaned, and put back together whereas others in my group were still accidentally stabbing themselves with the needle springs). If I tried I bet I could do the same with my flute and saxophone without explicit instructions.
I've written some poems and quite the number of unfinished fanfics. Poems are a niche thing though – I have to feel so inclined to write them, and that doesn’t happen often, only when my F trait is activated so strongly. I don’t consider myself strong in the language of “abstract language†and “deeper meaning†in my poems, though my roommate (to whom I read the poems last night) would argue otherwise.
I'm also pretty good at math when I can be bothered to put in the effort to do the homework. I think I prefer applied math to theoretical math in practice, though I originally liked the idea of theoretical math. (The irony! Or whatever word actually belongs there instead of “ironyâ€. Nobody knows what “irony†really means anyway.)
I like and am pretty good at puzzles (jigsaw, logic, sudoku, etc). I’ve been known to do Sudoku on my phone to de-stress (although I’m usually supposed to be doing other things at that moment instead).
A few years ago I taught myself to crochet as well as a handful of knitting stitches. I rarely finish what I start though.
Directions and spatial memory. I have a pretty good sense of the cardinal directions and where things are located in relation to each other. I can look at a route and memorize it so I don’t have to use my GPS when driving there. I sometimes use it if I’m going there the first time and I know I’m going through an area that might force me to make a detour, in which case GPS is helpful, and I’ll usually remember the detour in the future. Missed exit 79? I’ll get off at exit 80 and head in a general southerly direction until I find the road I’m supposed to be on. Things like that. I’ve a friend who uses GPS to find the Publix near her house. She’s nuts.
I'm also an excellent procrastinator and I'm pretty good at providing overly long, detailed responses to questions about myself - provided that I'm writing or typing them and not verbally speaking them. (I tend to stumble over my tongue and stuff when I have to orally describe what is going on inside my head.) It helps when there’s something more tedious and important I’m supposed to be doing instead.
I play musical instruments. First I learned some piano in elementary school, then I learned flute in sixth grade. The following year I picked up clarinet in a few weeks, then I picked up saxophone a few months later. I can also get by on oboe and sometimes brass instruments because observation ftw. Also, I tend to memorize my music (and others’ music) very easily. “By accident,†I tell people. Two weeks ago I performed a half-hour junior recital entirely from memory, with only one, non-obvious memory slip. Memorization here is required for pianists (thanks, Liszt) and singers, and I’ve seen a handful of violinists play without their sheet music, but it is almost unheard of for wind instrumentalists outside of scales. I’m not sure why. My approach to learning music is fairly emotionally void though, and it’s difficult for me to not play like a robot unless I somehow form an emotional attachment to the piece that isn’t entirely based in hatred shrouded by sarcasm.
I picked up assembling and disassembling my clarinet really quickly (like in a few hours to have the whole thing taken apart, cleaned, and put back together whereas others in my group were still accidentally stabbing themselves with the needle springs). If I tried I bet I could do the same with my flute and saxophone without explicit instructions.
I've written some poems and quite the number of unfinished fanfics. Poems are a niche thing though – I have to feel so inclined to write them, and that doesn’t happen often, only when my F trait is activated so strongly. I don’t consider myself strong in the language of “abstract language†and “deeper meaning†in my poems, though my roommate (to whom I read the poems last night) would argue otherwise.
I'm also pretty good at math when I can be bothered to put in the effort to do the homework. I think I prefer applied math to theoretical math in practice, though I originally liked the idea of theoretical math. (The irony! Or whatever word actually belongs there instead of “ironyâ€. Nobody knows what “irony†really means anyway.)
I like and am pretty good at puzzles (jigsaw, logic, sudoku, etc). I’ve been known to do Sudoku on my phone to de-stress (although I’m usually supposed to be doing other things at that moment instead).
A few years ago I taught myself to crochet as well as a handful of knitting stitches. I rarely finish what I start though.
Directions and spatial memory. I have a pretty good sense of the cardinal directions and where things are located in relation to each other. I can look at a route and memorize it so I don’t have to use my GPS when driving there. I sometimes use it if I’m going there the first time and I know I’m going through an area that might force me to make a detour, in which case GPS is helpful, and I’ll usually remember the detour in the future. Missed exit 79? I’ll get off at exit 80 and head in a general southerly direction until I find the road I’m supposed to be on. Things like that. I’ve a friend who uses GPS to find the Publix near her house. She’s nuts.
I'm also an excellent procrastinator and I'm pretty good at providing overly long, detailed responses to questions about myself - provided that I'm writing or typing them and not verbally speaking them. (I tend to stumble over my tongue and stuff when I have to orally describe what is going on inside my head.) It helps when there’s something more tedious and important I’m supposed to be doing instead.
How do you feel about interacting with others, before, during, and after?
It usually depends on with whom I’m interacting and how I feel the interaction went, particularly if my mother is there to tell me what I said or did that was apparently wrong or inappropriate that I missed in the moment. When I do catch it in the moment, I get nervous. When I don’t catch it until my mom or someone else points it out, I get upset, usually trying to justify what I said and why even though I know that if the other person said that I hurt them, I’m not allowed to tell them that I didn’t hurt them. I can say I didn’t mean to hurt them, but it doesn’t matter because the damage is done. Cue either pointed agreement to disagree or self-loathing, depending on how much I value that person’s opinions and feelings anyway.
I guess it just all depends on how much I want the other person to like me. Most of the time I’m indifferent to people’s feelings, especially people with whom I have no association except maybe they’re classmates or tutees (though I care enough to try to be neutral), and people I’m really close to because they understand me better and I can be more open. People who fall in the spectrum somewhere between those categories, though – I stress about those, especially if our first impressions aren’t good.
I don’t mind hallway small talk because it’s predictable and I know it’ll end quickly.
I dread phone calls. I do not like talking on the phone, particularly when I’m the one who has to make the call. I refuse to acknowledge that other people have the same problem. I’d rather text. I’d almost be perfectly happy to live in a world of non-verbal (written) communication (so long as people actually write well).
I joke that "socializing is exhausting" and I dislike “social chessâ€.
Describe your general mode of expression when dealing with others. You may include some details regarding what you talk about, but primarily describe how you do so.
It depends on the day and the topic of conversation and whether I have to be somewhere soon. In generally I like to be relatively informal. I take pride in my emotional detachment, but am also fairly comfortable expressing amusement or mildly irritation, mostly through sarcasm. It’s rare for me to act outwardly enthusiastic and excited about something, particularly because I don’t often feel it strongly inside, and especially when I start doing it and then notice it and start feeling ridiculous about it. My roommate gets onto me about that. I also don’t like expressing sadness in front of people.
If I’m bored, I might zone out. If it’s my grandmother talking, I’m not allowed to zone out, so I start getting snippy, but how dare I get snippy. If it’s someone talking to me about something important, I will make an effort to focus but I still have a tendency to zone out sometimes. My recall when I’m engaged is fairly strong and frankly annoying to some people lol.
I tend to mirror the other person’s demeanor, though I’m resistant to sadness and enthusiasm and over-the-top expressions of interpersonal caring. Um There there? Things that might not have earned more than a light chuckle at first glance might evoke genuine laughter when I show someone else and they think it’s hilarious.
I have an unfortunate tendency to state things meant to be factual that could be (and often are) interpreted as “Oh, she's bragging. What a braggart.†what no that's not what I'm doing at all oh no oh no hello hyperawareness ugh I'm such an idiot. Misinterpretation happens more when I'm talking to F types and acquaintances. I notice it more when I'm talking to friends. The ones who better understand how I think understand and they sometimes let me know when I've said something that's a little off, which I appreciate (and get annoyed at myself for).
If I'm feeling distinctly and shamefully uneducated or unprepared in a certain matter and the setting is casual enough, I'll let myself slip into a bit of a drawl, if you will. "Oh yeaaaahhhh, that. Yeah, I don't really know much about that." I almost always try to play it off casually. If it's actually important, it's a front. If it's not, then I probably don't actually care. If the shame is so strong, I’ll become almost completely avoidant, something I don’t take pride in.
Describe your general pattern of thought processes. You may include some details regarding what you think about, but primarily describe how you do so.
Oh dear, how do I even do this. o_o My thought processes vary depending on the subject. Sometimes it's an inner dialogue (that’s where my superego gets involved and feelings start happening and I get pissed off because I don’t really value feelings and yet they still manage to get in the way of things), sometimes it’s a search engine (fact recall), sometimes it's a sensory experience, usually sight and sound and very occasionally tactile (memory recall). At any given time I have some kind of dialogue or piece of music running through my mind as background noise, and I can sometimes suspend it for a few seconds at a time to engage with the background noises of the silence in the external world. Sometimes I jump pretty quickly from one subject to another, and then I have fun trying to figure out how exactly I got there. I can't really describe how exactly my mind works, and now I feel inadequate because other people can. xD
In math, if I have a rudimentary understanding of what I’m supposed to be doing (i.e. I took notes in class but I didn’t bother to do the homework or review said notes), then I tend to try to derive formulas again. In Calculus 1, I learned the multiplication and division rules like this, by plugging them into the difference quotient limit equation and doing all the work with that. I also figured out simple antiderivatives that way (I was playing a joke on a classmate’s “homecoming dance date†questionnaire and made it so he’d have to solve an equation to get my phone number lol), and then the teacher taught us integrals.
Following my dreams thread, I think dreams might give some insight to cognitive processes, especially the subconscious or vital ones. Mine are usually pretty vivid and involve scenarios, sometimes epics. I remember them better when I write them, usually in excruciating detail. I’m aware there’s some kind of hidden meaning behind why I dreamed what I did, but unless the dream was weird or disturbing enough or contained one of a handful of recurring themes, I don’t care to spend the energy trying to figure out what the “hidden meaning†is beyond the obvious. I've done cursory research into the symbology and at the end of the day I'm left with a bunch of possible connections that I don't know what to do with.
What sort of tasks have you repeatedly failed at?
Finishing things on time. o_o I am the worst at deadlines, particularly if what I have to do is something I regard as boring or purposeless in some context or if I just don't like it. Like right now, I'm doing this instead of working on a rough draft (boring) which was due two Tuesdays ago or instead of finishing a painting of my friend (coloring and curly hair are hard as ****) that was supposed to be given to her a month ago. I get obsessed with other things (like MBTI) and the more urgent things get abandoned. I think I have some level of executive dysfunction but I've never gotten help for it beyond seeing a counsellor for depression when I was in fourth grade. One visit actually kicked my butt, and I somehow mustered the work ethic of an ISTJ for a few weeks (before falling back into my old habits).
There’s a concept that’s touched upon many times in the Bible called acedia (Greek). It’s roughly translated in the list of the Seven Deadly Sins as “slothâ€, but the original intent of the word/concept is better represented by the term “spiritual apathyâ€. I struggle with this on so many levels. Or maybe I don’t because I don’t care enough to.
I’m pretty awful at team sports. Actually sports in general. I can barely run, though I’m usually at the front of the pack in my running group so ???.
Section 2: Motivations and Fears
Describe your personal worst case scenario - what would you absolutely hate to have happen to you? Where and how would you most hate to end up?
I fear being stuck in a situation where I somehow can’t save or provide for myself (even if providing for myself means crashing on a friend’s couch for a few days or so while I get myself together). This could be a number of things - being attacked and unable to defend myself due to inadequate training, being coerced unwillingly into something that violates me in some way (physically, mentally, or I just don’t want to), etc.
Also failure/incompetency, and that my boredom-induced inability to do the work will cause me to miss out on something I once thought was very important and/or worth it.
Briefly describe a negative experience you believe to have had an impact on you.
In the long run, few things have had a super lasting effect, even the negative experiences. Those that are caused by my own stupidity end up in my superego swooping in to self-punish via limiting contracts and the like. That is, until I get bored. I find loopholes in the contracts and new ways to entertain myself. Time-out never really worked for me as a child. The negative experiences tend to get shrugged off after a relatively short time.
The most pertinent story I can think of...
I became depressed (or maybe socially anxious?) in the fourth grade after I couldn’t make friends. I drew things in my agenda book (elementary school agendas are huge, lots of space for drawing), lots of sad faces and characters that were sad. I occasionally made comments about how nobody loved me and that I should just go hide and die. I made lists of people I knew and color coded them by how we related to each other (green was friends and was reserved almost exclusively for teachers; blue were on-again off-again friends, there were one or two of these; I forget what orange and fuschia were exactly, but they were definitely bad; most of the children on this list were one of those two colors). My parents found it and took me to counselling/therapy. After a while of going (during which the counsellor recommended I be placed in a gifted program - nobody wanted to be my friend because I was weird and too smart for them (and had a tendency to correct people on things related to my obsessions); my parents didn’t follow her advice until fifth grade after the teacher called me a child of Satan), I sort of got out of my funk, but I was still having trouble with procrastination (which has always been a problem). One week she just kind of berated me. I don’t remember exactly what went down, but it hit me hard enough that I retreated inside myself for the duration of the car ride home, became physically ill that night (stress-related?), and when I recovered a few days later I was a good, diligent little student.... for all of maybe three weeks. During this time I had a half-friend whose name had been written in blue. I’m told that the principal had told her to be friends with me because I had no one else in my school. Apparently she told me as well, but I don’t remember this and apparently decided to stay friends with her because... well, I didn’t really have any others. Anyway, apart from my neighbor and my friend who lived an hour away, I was basically friendless until the fifth grade when my parents finally transferred me to a public school with a gifted program. Best. Decision. Ever. (Part of the reason they waited was because that school was in a very poor neighborhood, and my parents were concerned for my safety.)
Sixth grade I was sort of bullied because I was very close with my then best friend (probably ESFP) and people started rumors that we were gay. Um. No? It got so bad that people (namely a girl we’ll call Toni) were insulting me for petty things and would make a big deal about avoiding me on the bus to and from school. I told my mom, she was livid and reported the people. By this point, the original perpetrator was pretty much out of the picture and Toni was the front-runner. We were called to the disciplinary office. She caught me outside the door and offered her undying forgiveness, then went in and lied through her teeth about what really happened after I told my story. My mom told me I should have been more assertive in there; I kind of just let her talk. At least they left me alone afterward. I think this incident started my attitude of “who cares†toward social interaction, to which I have held pretty strongly even today.
Sixth grade I was sort of bullied because I was very close with my then best friend (probably ESFP) and people started rumors that we were gay. Um. No? It got so bad that people (namely a girl we’ll call Toni) were insulting me for petty things and would make a big deal about avoiding me on the bus to and from school. I told my mom, she was livid and reported the people. By this point, the original perpetrator was pretty much out of the picture and Toni was the front-runner. We were called to the disciplinary office. She caught me outside the door and offered her undying forgiveness, then went in and lied through her teeth about what really happened after I told my story. My mom told me I should have been more assertive in there; I kind of just let her talk. At least they left me alone afterward. I think this incident started my attitude of “who cares†toward social interaction, to which I have held pretty strongly even today.
...So much for a “brief†description. XD
What are the main things you avoid in everyday life?
Unpleasant social interactions. Wasps. Doing homework. Finishing things.
What are the main things you seek out in everyday life?
Sustenance, be it physical (good food) or mental (through any medium that I find not boring). I like puzzles and I like creative endeavors (as long as the creativism is on my terms).
What do you wish to accomplish with your life?
I WANT TO BE USEFUL. I have this stupidly diverse skillset and talents and I don’t know what to do with them, but I want to put them to good use. It might help if I could define for myself what that meant. I suppose I want them to use them to be intellectually satisfying to me, and helping people would be nice too. I want to not feel like I’m working when I do my job. I feel like music more affects people than myself except when I’m working on a piece of literature that I happen to find appealling. Maths isn’t helping me with any of that, and it’s almost definitely work at this point. And medical sciences hasn’t been given much of a chance because I’ve been so focused on music, but I think it’d give me the balance of both I’m looking for. As long as I have the self-discipline to actually do the work required to get into the field, that is. I also want enough spare time to pursue creative/artistic endeavors as a hobby. And get enough sleep at night. With my cats.
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