affected by inner turmoil is a funny way of saying, there is never a moments rest to trying to figure out who I am, and how things make me feel without much success... Ive tried so many changes of clothing, trying to figure out whats right for me... the more I go the less Identity I feel I have, I feel like my life has been defined by lies, I spent a lifetime protecting my younger siblings like a guard dog, now that everyone is older and the family is dying I feel utterly lost in the identity department. And the rest was about worrying what those around me thought, felt, saw, and trying to keep everyone happy, I was a notorious people pleaser as a kid. I liked the feeling of making my family or coaches proud of my ability and what they taught me.
For the 1st time in my life, this close to 30, I feel like I am starting all over again trying to figure out who I am. Every day is long and drawn out, questioning constantly, judging myself for actions I haven't committed but thought of committing... it never ends. And I dont just follow thoughts a few clicks into the "plausibility" meter, I go like 20 years forward trying to see how what I would do would effect others and what it could mean and do... this stuff is going through my head non stop all the time.
I smoke a lot of bud to lay my head out though...