My first question would be how many sessions have you had with the therapist (or other professional) who diagnosed you with this? Some like to jump too quickly to diagnose because if they accept insurance, insurance requires a diagnosis for reimbursement. To verify the diagnosis, it may be a good idea to get a second opinion with someone who specializes in BPD or personality disorders. Usually therapists choose an area to specialize in (for example, mine will be PTSD, abuse, and trauma). The more areas they cover, the less familiar and experienced they may be with Borderline Personality Disorder. Also try to consider how many years they've been practicing, and if the two of you get along overall.
My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder as well as her mother. Her mother was more difficult when she was younger, but my mother. . .is another story. My mother seems like a combination of all of the types in the link that [MENTION=5159]Lexicon[/MENTION] left in her last post. I can't say that BPD can't be treated, but the more resistant to treatment and more denial a person is in, the least likely they'll get any better. My mother has actually gotten worse over the years to the point I had to cut off all contact with her over 2.5 years ago. It was 30 years of emotional abuse, sometimes it got physical. . .and there was just a lot of other things that went on in the home while I was growing up. Our relationship seemed close outwardly to people, but I never felt close to my mother. I kept feeling like I had to earn her love and acceptance, which made me a perfectionist. Even when I had all A's throughout college and one B, graduated with a cumulative GPA of 3.96, she still told me that I was too stupid for college and should quit while I was studying for my master's.
My mother also expected me to put her before everyone, including my husband. She was obsessed with control and jealous of everyone that she perceived to have more than she did. If they had less, then she spoke badly about them as well. I fell into some of the patterns described in the link, where I was extremely submissive to my mother, even as an adult. I lived around trying to keep her happy, trying to earn her love, etc., and avoiding any type of conflict. Avoiding conflict also meant that I wasn't allowed to have my own opinions, I had to say, do, think, act, etc. the way she wanted me to. Of course I still had my own mind, but I rarely ever vocalized any of my opinions around her. If I did, there would be an argument if it wasn't the same as hers...she would act like a tyrant for the next 10 minutes bashing whatever I said. For example, I would say one good thing in a quiet voice about my paternal grandfather. Not allowed. She went on for 10 minutes or so bashing him very badly, and this was during the time he was really sick and losing a lot of weight after a heart attack, not eating, frequent hospital visits, etc. My mother would exaggerate how much she did for me (even made things up) and invalidated and minimized anyone else and what they did for me. If anything, she did the least for me and held me back a great deal.
I really wanted that mother-daughter relationship, and I did fall into the pattern thinking it was my fault, thus, being submissive and trying to earn her love and acceptance, etc...I really wanted her to see who I really was, not the negative delusion she had. I was controlled to the point that she controlled who I would even visit first when seeing family. One time, just weeks before my college graduation, I visited and she was really busy that weekend. She never invited me to go with her, but told me she would be available on Sunday. So I saw other family on Saturday. Early Sunday morning at 7:09am, she started texting me very hostilely, belittling me, conducting a character assassination. It felt like a rug was pulled out from under me. I was shocked and had no idea what was going on or why she was even angry. I didn't argue with her, never cursed, etc. I even apologized 2-3 times, but she didn't accept. I even took all of the blame and thought maybe I mixed the days up, though I remember clearly before traveling she said she was busy on Saturday. She made so many things up, wrong accusations, etc...very hurtful. Then she started sending me e-mails...practically book length with varying size font size and color, and extremely hostile. I tried to explain my side, but when she gets in those modes, there's no getting her out. She keeps going like she wants to nail me down in a coffin underground. She's unable to remember any good, such as buying her groceries, how often I'd visit her, how I volunteered and babysat my sister every day for a summer after I moved back to the state so my sister wouldn't be unhappy at the place she had to go to. It was just one thing after another. But the argument about visiting other family members before her when visiting ended up in a year-and-a-half of not speaking, and she decided not to go to my college graduation. She also wouldn't allow the rest of her family to go to my graduation, and my step-dad had to sneak to call me to congratulate me.
Each time we stopped talking, I would at some point try to reconcile, but she never tried to reconcile with me. Even when I got into a car accident where my car was totaled, and she knew about it (an aunt told my mother), she never even e-mailed me to ask if I was okay. Nothing. We had the relationship go on and off again like that for years, and it was very difficult. I knew she didn't want me or love me, or respect me. I was only as good as my next "yes". . .as long as I was complying. I noticed that our big fallouts tended to occur when anything good was happening or getting ready to happen to me. . .very clear pattern. It was just like walking on eggshells around her all the time. Whether with her or not, I always felt too much anxiety, stress, depression, self-hate, frustration, anger, self-consciousness, self-doubt, etc. Whenever it seemed like she was angry about something (she would yell at the top of her lungs at anyone, even humiliate them with personal information about them), my stomach would be upset, I'd get nervous, sort of fearful, breathe faster, and I'd shake. When we would have a fallout, all of those symptoms increased in intensity exponentially, even feeling really sick to my stomach, couldn't eat or concentrate, etc. But when the fallouts would begin, those are the only times I'd at some point finally stand up to her and say how I felt, but for most of the fallout I'd try to calm her down and avoid it escalating, taking blame for it, apologizing...but I had my limits. The last time, I decided had to be the last time because I couldn't take anymore of it. By that time I had learned the patterns of her behavior, realized how she viewed me, and that no matter what, her views of me would never change. It was too unhealthy of a relationship for me to be in. A lot of her interpersonal relationships work pretty much the same, and she also throws tantrums on strangers in public, even for butting in line. I'm not sure if it's related, but my mother has also become an animal hoarder, and alcoholic, and a shopaholic, and she can get extreme in dieting and gaining it back.
I've been to therapy twice about her and that's where after describing everything in details from over the years (it gets much worse, but I won't write it in this message because it's already too long), and that's when one of them who had a PhD and had many years of experience was able to tell me what was wrong with my mother. I learned that by finally leaving it all behind and excommunicating was the right thing for me to do because it was a matter of saving myself at some point, and the therapist agreed with my decision. She was also curious if I regretted it or not (children and adult children of BPD parents blame themselves sometimes). I used to, but not after the last time. By then I had done enough work on myself and started to see things for what they really were, to know that I don't regret it. It has taken years to heal from, and sometimes I still have emotions about it because having no family (I excommunicated the whole family because it was a pattern...I was the family scapegoat) can be lonely. Very lonely. But it's still the best decision I've made. I've attempted to read the old e-mails she wrote to me that I kept from fallouts, and whenever I even try, I just start shaking, feel sick to my stomach, start breathing fast, heart racing, etc. again...the exact same physical response. However, I keep them because in at least one of them she admitted to allowing her boyfriend to beat me up in the past. She tried to deny it happened for years and say that I misbehaved and he "disciplined me", but that wasn't the case. I got social services involved, but because they notified her and I was left with her and her boyfriend for a couple of weeks, they worked on me those couple of weeks. My mother told me if I didn't lie and say he had disciplined me, he would put me in an institution and never have anything to do with me again. . .I used to believe her threats. She used to raise me with a lot of strange threats, such as if I didn't hold her hand when out, someone would kidnap me, shave my head so I couldn't be recognized, and then kill me. She wouldn't just explain it in a more age appropriate way, but in a very explicit way to elicit terror. The only reason I didn't repeat the pattern is because I had that very close parent-child bond with my paternal grandparents instead. I feel they raised me and put the values in me, rescued me (I eventually went to live with them when I turned 18...tried before, but my mother threatened me).
I'm not trying to scare you about anything I wrote, or offend you, but this is what it was like for me living with someone with Borderline Personality Disorder. I wanted to tell you somewhat of my story so you could understand what it was like, if you could relate to any degree, etc. This could help you possibly decide whether or not you have BPD, but at the same time, I'm sure the situation isn't the same for everyone as well as the level of severity. . .it most likely varies individual to individual. I'd actually suggest to look up "Differential diagnoses for Borderline Personality Disorder" (spell it out because it could be possible to mistake BPD for Bipolar Disorder). This will show you a list of other diagnoses that you could match instead of Borderline Personality Disorder that you can look into and see if they fit you any more. Whichever it is, the most important thing will be to be receptive and open to treatment to get better. The ones who don't improve or get worse are those who resist treatment, don't believe in psychology, and/or are in denial. It's important to make sure the diagnosis is accurate though. Good luck, and I wish you all the best!