some clarifications may need to be made here.
-not sure where this 4-month period is being extrapolated from, but i do realize i may have worded the timetable a bit unclearly.
july 20, 2014: we start dating
oct/nov(?) ?? 2014: infidelity happened (i apologize for the inaccuracy of the dates. i have problems tracking exact dates of things that are traumatic to me)
...:
one year(+?) period where we try to work things out (not 4 months)
oct 08, 2015: i break up with her
This is why. I think there comes a point in an INTJs relationship where s/he trusts so deeply that it's easier to (attempt to) work through things with someone despite shattered trust (there's that desire for integrity again) than it is to start over. Each one may have a threshold of where the "fixing point singularity" is, but we'd have to be very invested to even consider it.
This is, quite unfortunately, also true (at least in the US). Being, perhaps, an
unconventional-
lookin' feller, plus:
-male (in heteronormative romantic relationships in the US, we are largely subservient to the
female's desire, or lack thereof, of a relationship with us)
-a highly introverted person (who does still desire the deep and intimate understanding/companionship of another)
-a christian who wishes to date within his faith (and the reality of it is not many people in my age group follow the faith anymore. not that i blame them; the media does a fantastic job of cherry-picking some of the most egregiously off-kilter whackjobs that parade around under the same name)
-in my 30s (which can go either way, to be perfectly honest. some women dig older men- but i've been told i look younger than 30, so i don't immediately attract them. other women prefer to date younger men as they're more dynamic and don't have such a firm and established life/goals/etc. yet- but i'm a 30 year old that feels 50 because of how "old" i act. i already know what i want in life and i'm trying to take steps to get there, gorram it! see: INTJ. this is different from maturity, but rather a sort of "meta-age" or "perceived internal age" perhaps.)
--i think the latter had a big play into the ending of this relationship, by the way. she couldn't understand why i, for the life of me, would NOT want to just up and move to India on a moment's whim.
-not very emotionally expressive (at least, not naturally and certainly not during a first impression/initial encounter. and i'm fairly certain the initial encounter with someone plays a large part on whether or not they want to entertain the possibility of a relationship with you. i think i remember some study about it.)
all in all, i think men have it a lot more rough than women perceive us to (keeping in mind a vast majority of this is US-centric, because that's what I know)- because on top of all that, there's still the (both cultural and, often (but not always),
directly from our partner) expectation to be the steady one and "keep it together". let that pain or struggle show? (usually an) instant turn off (despite most women
saying they want a vulnerable and emotive, or "sensitive", man- the numbers do actually say otherwise. i can track down the citations on request, but i don't want to lose my train of thought right now), so you can add THAT to the list above of what we(I) am up against if it is shown.
I will admit that thinking I could keep this particular relationship forever and repair it (in the timeline
she wants, for reasons given above) was a gross overestimation of my capabilities, but that brings me to this:
Which is SPOT. ON. We need a lot of time to ourselves in introspection (and sometimes just
being) if we want to keep that connection to our feelings (as rickety as it may be) open to even BEGIN to work out how we feel about something like this.
Guess what was not afforded to me (okay, okay; I acquiesced to her demand for)? My time alone. Time for introspection. Time when we get to send out all our little emotion-nanites (am I the only one that has this imagery?) that crawl over our already beaten hearts and try to repair it, while sending up packets/fragments of emotional data we can piece together and process. This takes a fair bit of time, and it needs to happen in an environment we feel ENTIRELY safe in (alone), not MOSTLY safe in (someone we trust a whole fucking bunch).
I hope I've clarified this.
(she still is trying to get in touch with me and can't accept it's over. she sees it as a break, i think. i haven't even been responding. fingers crossed she starts delving into the introspection soon, because it seems to be something she's afraid of. sorry, i can't grow you internally- only you can do that.)