[ENFP] When ENFP shuts you down?

[JLiew]

What are some of the reasons an ENFP will shut a particular person down, given the context that offending the ENFP is invalid?

 

[Peter Deadpan]

That's pretty vague. With such little information, all I could guess is that they either don't like you or are depressed. Maybe you can give us more background? Something to work with?

 

[JLiew]

That's pretty vague. With such little information, all I could guess is that they either don't like you or are depressed. Maybe you can give us more background? Something to work with?

The ENFP is a coworker of mine. We clicked and got pretty close thereafter. Then, she shut me down out of nowhere. It caught me off guard because we were still good the day before. I addressed my concerns and got a typical "nothing" reply. I realized she was directing at me as time passes because she's still her usual self when she talk to others but will either ignore me or be soft spoken when I tried to converse with her.

We had a minor argument through text message due to a misunderstanding (rumors spread fast) and I manage to gather that offending her is not the key to this issue. She also admitted that she felt uncomfortable around me, and had no idea why and how it happened. I decided to take it at face value and leave her alone.

Conversation is inevitable because of work so I only converse with her only when necessary. However, she doesn't show any signs of repulsiveness when I have to talk to her but instead, these are the few reactions she shows:
> Biting her lips when I made eye contact with her;
> If not, avoid eye contact completely;
> Stumbling on her own words;
> Appearing nervous, building a tension between us instantly;
> Saying things that doesn't make sense, then criticizing herself for saying stupid things;
> Soft spoken, or worse ignore me completely.

Also, I have a case going on in my personal like right now. She seems to be especially concern about it and reprimanded me. The funny thing is, it is a minor issue and even friends that I know for a decade can't be bothered with it.

I read from other sites that ENFP have a tendency to become an introvert when they have a crush on someone. By the way, I mentioned to her that I don't meddle with workplace affair, so my view on our relationship has always been platonic. She agreed too. So, what gives? I would have deemed her as a passive aggressive individual and burn the bridge if I didn't know her MBTI.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

[MENTION=25763]Enthusiastic_Dreamer[/MENTION] is an ENFP who may be able to provide you with some insight.

 

[Peter Deadpan]

[MENTION=19719]Forever[/MENTION]

Since I can't seem to leave you a visitor message, to answer the question in your rep, no... I don't think that at all.
[MENTION=32135]JLiew[/MENTION] - Sorry for my short response above, I have been multitasking tonight. I don't have enough insight into the mind of an ENFP since their functions are completely opposite mine and I am still trying to deepen my knowledge and understanding of functions and how they shape our behavior. I do hope you find helpful answers here
[MENTION=25763]Enthusiastic_Dreamer[/MENTION] has been of much assistance to me and is a great guy, which is why I decided you'd be in better hands with him than myself.

 

[Starry]

What are some of the reasons an ENFP will shut a particular person down, given the context that offending the ENFP is invalid?

Um...I've gotten myself into a few situations now where I felt routinely nit-picked for much of the same stuff or behaviors/flaws that I imagine most reasonable people would deem relatively equal in nature to that which I'm constantly forgiving and looking past in the other person. And I'll be honest and say that this dynamic does seem more likely to occur with Je than Pe. I blame myself though in many ways. I assume what happens is my inclination to chalk these kinds of things up to *being human in human relationships* and subsequent silence ...sets up a dynamic where the other person actually comes to believe they truly are the more conscientious of us two...that they are the pressed upon and I'm just basking in their perfection on a monthly, weekly, daily basis. And by the time I figure out what I've unintentionally created I often feel the damage is too deep to be undone...it has gone on for far too long and our characters are now set. Once here...and especially if I have tried to make repairs to the relationship...I could see myself saying *fuck it* to anything that resembled all that had come before.

 

[Forever]

[MENTION=19719]Forever[/MENTION]

Since I can't seem to leave you a visitor message, to answer the question in your rep, no... I don't think that at all.

You're always welcome to PM. That's usually what I do.

 

[Tilt]

What are some of the reasons an ENFP will shut a particular person down, given the context that offending the ENFP is invalid?

Sometimes they just get overwhelmed and need to recoup.

 

[JLiew]

[MENTION=32135]JLiew[/MENTION] - Sorry for my short response above, I have been multitasking tonight. I don't have enough insight into the mind of an ENFP since their functions are completely opposite mine and I am still trying to deepen my knowledge and understanding of functions and how they shape our behavior. I do hope you find helpful answers here

Thank you very much. Since clarifying with her is pretty much impossible now, I have to look up for possible answers online. The funny thing is, no matter how I search, it has got to do with relationship issues.. Then I remember about MBTI, gave it a shot and found so many new possibilities here. So I'm grateful for whatever I can find here.

 

[Dreamer]

I want to thank [MENTION=31348]RareBird[/MENTION] for her kind words. Unfortunately I've been super busy these past few days but will make an honest effort to get to this before too long.

 

[Starry]

The ENFP is a coworker of mine. We clicked and got pretty close thereafter. Then, she shut me down out of nowhere. It caught me off guard because we were still good the day before. I addressed my concerns and got a typical "nothing" reply. I realized she was directing at me as time passes because she's still her usual self when she talk to others but will either ignore me or be soft spoken when I tried to converse with her.

We had a minor argument through text message due to a misunderstanding (rumors spread fast) and I manage to gather that offending her is not the key to this issue. She also admitted that she felt uncomfortable around me, and had no idea why and how it happened. I decided to take it at face value and leave her alone.

Conversation is inevitable because of work so I only converse with her only when necessary. However, she doesn't show any signs of repulsiveness when I have to talk to her but instead, these are the few reactions she shows:
> Biting her lips when I made eye contact with her;
> If not, avoid eye contact completely;
> Stumbling on her own words;
> Appearing nervous, building a tension between us instantly;
> Saying things that doesn't make sense, then criticizing herself for saying stupid things;
> Soft spoken, or worse ignore me completely.

Also, I have a case going on in my personal like right now. She seems to be especially concern about it and reprimanded me. The funny thing is, it is a minor issue and even friends that I know for a decade can't be bothered with it.

I read from other sites that ENFP have a tendency to become an introvert when they have a crush on someone. By the way, I mentioned to her that I don't meddle with workplace affair, so my view on our relationship has always been platonic. She agreed too. So, what gives? I would have deemed her as a passive aggressive individual and burn the bridge if I didn't know her MBTI.

Are you just trying to find out whether or not she has a crush on you? I would say she probably does...and the fact you have said "I don't meddle with workplace affair"...she just wants you away from her and is distracted by trying to pretend you don't exist and having to work with you. I've worked with many, many, many dudes in my day though and have never laid some kind of "I don't meddle with workplace affair" foundation that my male co-worker either agreed to or disagreed...so I'm on the side of assuming this isn't a new thought for you.

 

[Dreamer]

From what you described, it does sound as simple as navigating a potential relationship interest within the workplace. OK, maybe these sorts of things aren't always "simple". But I didn't pick up anything in your scenario that would be particularly type related.

If it were something you did that could've offended her, that's a possibility, but it doesn't seem as though what happened has actually offended her THAT badly.

Usually I get over and move on from whatever issue I have with someone. It's rather easy for me to, too. However, there are times, on rare occasion, that what someone does or say to me, is SO hurtful, that that emotion basically leaves a scar in how I perceive that person a la Fi/Si. At that point, there is little my Ne can do to see over it. I can come to good terms with someone and even be amicable towards them, but the trust and openness I may have had with someone is forever reduced and how I act or what I say towards them remains fairly superficial from that point on. Again, this doesn't happen all too often, but it can. And what you've described, I doubt that is the case.

There are other ENFPs on the forum that may have more to add to ENFPs shutting people out, and that is a topic we can get into, but again, I don't think that's what you're dealing with here

 

[Norrsken]

I'm no ENFP but even if there is something between you and this coworker, it would be highly unprofessional and inappropriate to even entertain such thoughts. I would give the ENFP woman the space she seeks.
Never shit where you eat, bottom line.

 

[Merced]

Definitely sounds like she thinks she crossed some sort of line. I think it's an ENFP sort of thing to read the room only after you've done something wrong.

She probably thinks that you shut her down. You did kinda say that you don't want to pursue a deeper relationship with her. From the information given, I don't know if she was pursuing one herself. I know I can come off as flirty when I'm excited. In fact, I bet the fact you brought up how you didn't want a romantic relationship has brought the concept in the forefront of her head. Extroverted Percievers (ExxPs) love a good chase and telling one of us that we can't have something will only strengthen the craving.

ENFPs like me are usually insensitive to everything except their own insensitivity. It's hard to explain, but like... If I push you down and you get hurt, I would more likely be apologetic about the fact that you got hurt and not that I pushed you. (That sounds so fucked, but I can't find a better way to express it.) Maybe she isn't desponsive because she likes you, but because she liking you has made you uncomfortable (in her eyes). It's the implication that has her like this, not the act itself.

 

[JLiew]

From what you described, it does sound as simple as navigating a potential relationship interest within the workplace. OK, maybe these sorts of things aren't always "simple". But I didn't pick up anything in your scenario that would be particularly type related.

If it were something you did that could've offended her, that's a possibility, but it doesn't seem as though what happened has actually offended her THAT badly.

Usually I get over and move on from whatever issue I have with someone. It's rather easy for me to, too. However, there are times, on rare occasion, that what someone does or say to me, is SO hurtful, that that emotion basically leaves a scar in how I perceive that person a la Fi/Si. At that point, there is little my Ne can do to see over it. I can come to good terms with someone and even be amicable towards them, but the trust and openness I may have had with someone is forever reduced and how I act or what I say towards them remains fairly superficial from that point on. Again, this doesn't happen all too often, but it can. And what you've described, I doubt that is the case.

There are other ENFPs on the forum that may have more to add to ENFPs shutting people out, and that is a topic we can get into, but again, I don't think that's what you're dealing with here

My perspective on her change quite a bit when I read up on ENFPs, so I thought there may be some connections with regards to this saga.

She affirmed me that I did nothing to offend her during our minor argument. Based on my investigations, someone offended her and made her cry. However, she still treat that person like how she treat others after a while (Plus a bit of complaining to me when we're still good lol). Thus, I rule out the possibility that I offend her. What she's doing now is practically treating me as invisible, but seems to be listening to my conversation whenever I talked to others (INFJ intuition ringing maybe?)

So you're implying that there is something more than just plain shutting people down?

Then again, ENFP are the most lovable and energetic people I've known so it really caught me off guard when they indulge in passive aggressive behaviours.

 

[JLiew]

Are you just trying to find out whether or not she has a crush on you? I would say she probably does...and the fact you have said "I don't meddle with workplace affair"...she just wants you away from her and is distracted by trying to pretend you don't exist and having to work with you. I've worked with many, many, many dudes in my day though and have never laid some kind of "I don't meddle with workplace affair" foundation that my male co-worker either agreed to or disagreed...so I'm on the side of assuming this isn't a new thought for you.

Technically, yes. I was looking at office politics or offending her initially, but it always links to attractions no matter how I twist my words while looking for possible/similar scenarios online. The phrase "don't sh*t where you eat" has been a principle for me years ago. I did not specifically told her though. Back then, we were gossiping about our ex-coworker getting romantically involved with another ex-coworker but they denied when questioned. I then casually mentioned that I don't sh*t where I eat, which she agreed too.

If I were to piece the puzzles together, I started to sense changes in her approximately 2 months back. We started to leave office together. In her POV, leaving together has a meaning (She used to tease me when I leave the office with an intern previously). Then there's one day when we had to work overtime, where her's was under our boss instruction and mine was voluntarily due to work overload. I think I gave her the wrong impression that I'm waiting for her, and she clocked out for me when she's ready to leave. I "rejected" her approach because I was genuinely busy, and we stopped leaving together after that day. That was the first slight change I sensed from her in terms of attitude. Then, she proceeded to ask me whether I'm working overtime a few days later. I didn't read between the lines and left on the dot. She didn't say anything when I said goodbye. The very next day, she shut me down. This is purely an assumption aside from the "I think I offended her and she shut me down" theory.

Looking at personalities really change my perspective about this situation, which is why I thought this may complement what I'm seeking.

 

[JLiew]

I'm no ENFP but even if there is something between you and this coworker, it would be highly unprofessional and inappropriate to even entertain such thoughts. I would give the ENFP woman the space she seeks.
Never shit where you eat, bottom line.

Yes, I agree with you. I only converse with her only when necessary. However, there are times when she will ignore me even I'm asking about work related matters. Furthermore, we have to work together, and her actions really shows that she's unprofessional, and it will affect my productivity as well. This is why I wishes to clear the air.

 

[JLiew]

Thanks for all the comments! Really appreciate everyone here!

 

[JLiew]

Definitely sounds like she thinks she crossed some sort of line. I think it's an ENFP sort of thing to read the room only after you've done something wrong.

She probably thinks that you shut her down. You did kinda say that you don't want to pursue a deeper relationship with her. From the information given, I don't know if she was pursuing one herself. I know I can come off as flirty when I'm excited. In fact, I bet the fact you brought up how you didn't want a romantic relationship has brought the concept in the forefront of her head. Extroverted Percievers (ExxPs) love a good chase and telling one of us that we can't have something will only strengthen the craving.

ENFPs like me are usually insensitive to everything except their own insensitivity. It's hard to explain, but like... If I push you down and you get hurt, I would more likely be apologetic about the fact that you got hurt and not that I pushed you. (That sounds so fucked, but I can't find a better way to express it.) Maybe she isn't desponsive because she likes you, but because she liking you has made you uncomfortable (in her eyes). It's the implication that has her like this, not the act itself.

I didn't thought of this. She did mentioned that she felt "uncomfortable" around me, although the whole scene doesn't make sense at all.

 

[Dreamer]

Yes, I agree with you. I only converse with her only when necessary. However, there are times when she will ignore me even I'm asking about work related matters. Furthermore, we have to work together, and her actions really shows that she's unprofessional, and it will affect my productivity as well. This is why I wishes to clear the air.

Just some food for thought, there are certainly times I can remove myself as much as possible and get into a sort of "Te" work mode of efficiency and just a get-the-job-done mentality, but even then, it is nearly impossible for me to remove myself from whatever I do. That's what I believe, can make interacting with NFPs a bit tricky if they don't readily give people the benefit of the doubt, or if others do not recognize this. A criticism on their work, their ideas, their artwork, whatever, is indirectly a criticism towards the person that created it. For the NFP, it can actually feel like a direct criticism. I've had to practice removing myself from my work and allowing criticism to occur with the understanding that people aren't trying to attack me. It may sound stupid, but that's really my default mode, is attaching myself so readily to whatever I do, create, or share.

I mention this because, I'm not sure how old you guys are, or how emotionally mature she may be, but even if you outright tell her this is a workplace environment, let's keep it professional, if there is at all, any personal investment into her relationship with you, even just as friends, or from what it sounds, like there may be something more, then it may be hard for her to remove herself from the situation and to just keep it professional. I wouldn't be so quick to say her actions aren't "professional". It sounds as though it may impede on getting some things done, but if she isn't emotionally mature, have had many life experiences to grow from, etc., then this arrangement may be more difficult for her to remove herself from the situation.