Wanting to be liked, yet being a prickly introvert

[Kingu Kurimuzon]

*

 

[Lark]

I found this thread on reddit.

:whacko:

 

[entropie]

 

[Dreamer]

I found this thread on reddit. It pertains to INTPs although I could see it more broadly applying to myself and extreme introverts of any type, as well as very shy people who may otherwise be extroverts. Feeling like others don't like me. : INTP When you're a misanthropic introvert, yet you still feel left out of your own (nonexistent) social life. I admit I occasionally have moments where I see groups of people at work or elsewhere and I feel I'm missing something, I wonder why I don't get invited out to lunch or other little social gatherings. Then I realize how I must come off to people, as a prickly, one man wolf pack or army. Then I realize I'm probably not missing much and the entire time I'd be wondering how soon the social event would be over, how soon I could return to my preferred solitude. I also think about how much energy I'd be devoting to censoring myself, to softening my edge to avoid insulting or upsetting people--it's not that I seek to upset people, I just have a way of being blunt or saying what seems obvious to me. That social blindspot can make those interactions exhausting and terrifying. I'll be so busy watching myself to avoid fuckups that I'm not even able to listen to other people. But that doesn't stop me from occasionally feeling left out. This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, I am pretty content with my almost non-existent social life and to have one would cut into time I could be spending reading about something or working on a hobby or project. But those feelings of absence or loneliness still creep in on occasion. Anyone relate to this?

I didn't read the link so apologies if what I'm going to say is answered in that link. But, are you certain it's "wanting to be liked", or is it the negative social stigma typically attached to introverts within social environments like the workplace, as "outcasts" or "loners", that you disagree with and are trying to confront? You know it isn't true and you know what your preferences are, and yet the potential mislabeling people may subject you to, and its false representations, could that be a possible area of inner conflict? Of allowing others' misguided perceptions of you to propagate.

Just based on what you wrote here, that's the first thought that comes to mind.

 

[rav3n]

Humans are social pack animals so the feeling of wanting to be liked and included is prevalent in most, regardless of introversion or extraversion. That said, enough people consider being liked and included as a lower priority than other values such as justice, freedom, equality, etc.

It's pretty easy to be popular. Don't be controversial, tell people what they want to hear, be hot and funny. But being popular, includes giving up a lot.

 

[entropie]

Humans are social pack animals so the feeling of wanting to be liked and included is prevalent in most, regardless of introversion or extraversion. That said, enough people consider being liked and included as a lower priority than other values such as justice, freedom, equality, etc.

It's pretty easy to be popular. Don't be controversial, tell people what they want to hear, be hot and funny. But being popular, includes giving up a lot.

So when you are popular by design, what did you give up, you never knew?

 

[magpie]

Everyone needs people. I think taking part in random group events or outings on a superficial level is just as isolating as not doing so in terms of it still being something that doesn't give people what they need the most from others, which is having your perception of reality shared and reflected in someone else. It's a type of validation that fulfills an emotional need and what it says is that it's okay to be you, it's okay to have your opinions, perspectives, and views, and can help you to feel valued, important, and most of all, seen. We need to be recognized by others - that's what connection is. Even the busiest and most sociable people usually have unmet social needs, because what's most important happens on a plane beyond (but sometimes parallel to) superficial interaction.

 

[entropie]

Everyone needs people. I think taking part in random group events or outings on a superficial level is just as isolating as not doing so in terms of it still being something that doesn't give people what they need the most from others, which is having your perception of reality shared and reflected in someone else. It's a type of validation that fulfills an emotional need and what it says is that it's okay to be you, it's okay to have your opinions, perspectives, and views, and can help you to feel valued, important, and most of all, seen. We need to be recognized by others - that's what connection is. Even the busiest and most sociable people usually have unmet social needs, because what's most important happens on a plane beyond (but sometimes parallel to) superficial interaction.

And for how long must this addiction last?

 

[magpie]

And for how long must this addiction last?

A lifetime. RIP.

 

[entropie]

A lifetime. RIP.

glad I am not social then

 

[Lark]

Humans are social pack animals so the feeling of wanting to be liked and included is prevalent in most, regardless of introversion or extraversion. That said, enough people consider being liked and included as a lower priority than other values such as justice, freedom, equality, etc.

It's pretty easy to be popular. Don't be controversial, tell people what they want to hear, be hot and funny. But being popular, includes giving up a lot.

This is really strange as its the exact opposite of what most contemporary sociologists and psychologists would say is actually the case, that the other-directed mode of living has long since surpassed the tradition-directed, ie values, type for the population at large. I recently read and reviewed a book called The Society of Fear which linked it to an upshot in unhealthy loneliness.

I'm not sure that its exactly as you say, it could just be the social circles that you are in that your values are unpopular, in another scene I guarantee they'd probably be popular and the stuff of social niceties and connectedness.

 

[Lark]

And for how long must this addiction last?

Getting a sense of de ja vu here, anyway, drives to relatedness or connectivity are not a addiction right away, its likely a difference between the normal and pathological.

 

[entropie]

Getting a sense of de ja vu here, anyway, drives to relatedness or connectivity are not a addiction right away, its likely a difference between the normal and pathological.

and if we were related, what would it change?

 

[rav3n]

This is really strange as its the exact opposite of what most contemporary sociologists and psychologists would say is actually the case, that the other-directed mode of living has long since surpassed the tradition-directed, ie values, type for the population at large. I recently read and reviewed a book called The Society of Fear which linked it to an upshot in unhealthy loneliness.

I'm not sure that its exactly as you say, it could just be the social circles that you are in that your values are unpopular, in another scene I guarantee they'd probably be popular and the stuff of social niceties and connectedness.

Eh? I have no idea how you related what you posted, to what I posted. Next, it has nothing to do with me.

 

[Coriolis]

I found this thread on reddit. It pertains to INTPs although I could see it more broadly applying to myself and extreme introverts of any type, as well as very shy people who may otherwise be extroverts.

Feeling like others don't like me. : INTP

When you're a misanthropic introvert, yet you still feel left out of your own (nonexistent) social life.

I admit I occasionally have moments where I see groups of people at work or elsewhere and I feel I'm missing something, I wonder why I don't get invited out to lunch or other little social gatherings. Then I realize how I must come off to people, as a prickly, one man wolf pack or army. Then I realize I'm probably not missing much and the entire time I'd be wondering how soon the social event would be over, how soon I could return to my preferred solitude. I also think about how much energy I'd be devoting to censoring myself, to softening my edge to avoid insulting or upsetting people--it's not that I seek to upset people, I just have a way of being blunt or saying what seems obvious to me. That social blindspot can make those interactions exhausting and terrifying. I'll be so busy watching myself to avoid fuckups that I'm not even able to listen to other people.

But that doesn't stop me from occasionally feeling left out. This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, I am pretty content with my almost non-existent social life and to have one would cut into time I could be spending reading about something or working on a hobby or project. But those feelings of absence or loneliness still creep in on occasion.

Anyone relate to this?

95%. The 5% is that I don't find these social interactions terrifying, just exhausting and often annoying. I don't worry about sugar coating anything for public consumption. If I have any doubts about how it will be received, I just stay quiet unless directly asked. Then I figure they have it coming. It's been a long time since I have felt left out of anything I truly wanted to be included in.

 

[ceecee]

95%. The 5% is that I don't find these social interactions terrifying, just exhausting and often annoying. I don't worry about sugar coating anything for public consumption. If I have any doubts about how it will be received, I just stay quiet unless directly asked. Then I figure they have it coming. It's been a long time since I have felt left out of anything I truly wanted to be included in.

This. I also couldn't tell you the last time I felt left out of anything I wanted to do.

 

[Tater]

Anyone relate to this?

Not exactly, but I think you may just want to find a "best-fit" group of people to hang out with. Your group of coworkers consists of random sampling, so I don't think it makes sense to expect them to click with you. I just found some people who have similar interests, so time spent with them revolves more around the activity than judging how crass, blunt, or curt anyone is.

 

[Stigmata]

I found this thread on reddit. It pertains to INTPs although I could see it more broadly applying to myself and extreme introverts of any type, as well as very shy people who may otherwise be extroverts.

Feeling like others don't like me. : INTP

When you're a misanthropic introvert, yet you still feel left out of your own (nonexistent) social life.

I admit I occasionally have moments where I see groups of people at work or elsewhere and I feel I'm missing something, I wonder why I don't get invited out to lunch or other little social gatherings. Then I realize how I must come off to people, as a prickly, one man wolf pack or army. Then I realize I'm probably not missing much and the entire time I'd be wondering how soon the social event would be over, how soon I could return to my preferred solitude. I also think about how much energy I'd be devoting to censoring myself, to softening my edge to avoid insulting or upsetting people--it's not that I seek to upset people, I just have a way of being blunt or saying what seems obvious to me. That social blindspot can make those interactions exhausting and terrifying. I'll be so busy watching myself to avoid fuckups that I'm not even able to listen to other people.

But that doesn't stop me from occasionally feeling left out. This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, I am pretty content with my almost non-existent social life and to have one would cut into time I could be spending reading about something or working on a hobby or project. But those feelings of absence or loneliness still creep in on occasion.

Anyone relate to this?I found this thread on reddit. It pertains to INTPs although I could see it more broadly applying to myself and extreme introverts of any type, as well as very shy people who may otherwise be extroverts.

Feeling like others don't like me. : INTP

When you're a misanthropic introvert, yet you still feel left out of your own (nonexistent) social life.

I admit I occasionally have moments where I see groups of people at work or elsewhere and I feel I'm missing something, I wonder why I don't get invited out to lunch or other little social gatherings. Then I realize how I must come off to people, as a prickly, one man wolf pack or army. Then I realize I'm probably not missing much and the entire time I'd be wondering how soon the social event would be over, how soon I could return to my preferred solitude. I also think about how much energy I'd be devoting to censoring myself, to softening my edge to avoid insulting or upsetting people--it's not that I seek to upset people, I just have a way of being blunt or saying what seems obvious to me. That social blindspot can make those interactions exhausting and terrifying. I'll be so busy watching myself to avoid fuckups that I'm not even able to listen to other people.

But that doesn't stop me from occasionally feeling left out. This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, I am pretty content with my almost non-existent social life and to have one would cut into time I could be spending reading about something or working on a hobby or project. But those feelings of absence or loneliness still creep in on occasion.

Anyone relate to this?

I somewhat relate to this. However, I've always rejected falling into that misanthropic intellectual introvert stereotype, as it just seems like such a trope -- At best I can't actively name anyone I truly dislike, both online or in-person, as I see somewhat redeeming qualities in everyone, and at worst I'm completely indifferent towards people -- So long as they aren't challenging my autonomy, live and let live.
It's not so much that I feel others don't like me (I think I have a rather easy time making surface level acquaintances, yet despite this I always have felt myself to be the outsider observing social groups from afar from a detached perspective -- Ultimately, I've always felt like an outsider.), but more so that I rarely ever feel comfortable or feel that I "fit in" in group settings , which cause that same left out feeling of "if I put myself out there and engage people in a purely organic fashion (really being who I am or who I think myself to be), they'll most likely be weirded out and/or we just won't be on the same wavelength (which I rarely ever feel like I am with people). If I "play the game" to some extend and hold certain aspects of myself back, I can at least form an acquaintance level friendship with people, yet it rarely matures into anything beyond that because after awhile the feeling of conforming and being disingenuous, to some extent, feels exhausting. I often feel overwhelmed in a group setting, and much prefer to interact with people one-on-one on a personal level.

 

[anticlimatic]

I found this thread on reddit. It pertains to INTPs although I could see it more broadly applying to myself and extreme introverts of any type, as well as very shy people who may otherwise be extroverts.

Feeling like others don't like me. : INTP

When you're a misanthropic introvert, yet you still feel left out of your own (nonexistent) social life.

I admit I occasionally have moments where I see groups of people at work or elsewhere and I feel I'm missing something, I wonder why I don't get invited out to lunch or other little social gatherings. Then I realize how I must come off to people, as a prickly, one man wolf pack or army. Then I realize I'm probably not missing much and the entire time I'd be wondering how soon the social event would be over, how soon I could return to my preferred solitude. I also think about how much energy I'd be devoting to censoring myself, to softening my edge to avoid insulting or upsetting people--it's not that I seek to upset people, I just have a way of being blunt or saying what seems obvious to me. That social blindspot can make those interactions exhausting and terrifying. I'll be so busy watching myself to avoid fuckups that I'm not even able to listen to other people.

But that doesn't stop me from occasionally feeling left out. This doesn't bother me as much as it used to, I am pretty content with my almost non-existent social life and to have one would cut into time I could be spending reading about something or working on a hobby or project. But those feelings of absence or loneliness still creep in on occasion.

Anyone relate to this?

Everyone needs love and attention sometimes. I once mused on this phenomenon to an INFJ ex of mine, and she gave me some good Ni Fe analysis. She said that even though she knew I wasn’t and that I didn’t think I was, that I still came across as “closed off” to others. People, she said, liked people who were impressionable and affected by others- especially people who don’t have their shit together, because it gives people a sense of empowerment purpose and esteem to affect people like that. Once I learned that being a mailable fuckup is what gets you places socially I lamented it less.

 

[Metis]

If I "play the game" to some extend and hold certain aspects of myself back, I can at least form an acquaintance level friendship with people, yet it rarely matures into anything beyond that because after awhile the feeling of conforming and being disingenuous, to some extent, feels exhausting.

Hmm. That's a good point. I enjoy interacting with people if I don't have to worry about some severe misunderstanding taking place and getting in the way of other things.