[ENFJ] The Potential of an INFP/ENFJ romance between friends..

[thegrayvapour]

I'm an 28 year-old INFP male :/

I have a little friend who is a 23 year-old ENFJ lady. We met almost a year ago when she started working at a non-profit in my neighborhood. I would see her walking to work occasionally and smile or wave. Earlier this year, I started working for the same non-profit and we've become closer friends.

She was in a long-distance relationship for the last 5ish months and I was not really thinking about relationshippy things, let alone interested in anyone. Over the last few months, she and I have been spending more and more time together after work. It started just being dinner every couple weeks, as we would both be hungry after work and were leaving at the same time. One rainy night, I was on the way home and while waiting for the light to change, I was checking out the girl next to me. When she turned, it was the ENFJ. I laughed and said I had just been checking her out. She laughed and said, "That's good." She invited me to come out with her and her friends for a beer.

A few weeks ago her relationship ended and the amount of time we're together has markedly changed. We spend several evenings each week together making dinner and watching movies at her place. We go hiking. We do crafts. We walk the dogs. I do my laundry at her house. She has mentioned that these are things she used to do with one of her first boyfriends; and these are fond memories. I think I am falling in love with her, but I want to give it enough time and space to develop some of the friendship bits, y'know, before I try to kiss her on the mouth.

I'm also a little worried that relying on my Ne is making me see evidence of her interest, where there might be none. She is very nuturing to everyone around her. Much of our time together, is however, alone. I flirt with her a little, just because I can't help it. She's so darn cute. Eventually, of course, I'm going to follow the DADT policy - "Do ask and Do tell" - as I'm not at all afraid of rejection. I know each situation is a bit different, but is it possible for me to err by letting this thing ride the way it is for a couple months?

You may never hear an INFP say this again, so take note: Please consider all advice solicited.

Oh, and thanks!

 

[thegrayvapour]

No takers, huh?

(deep breath)

Okay, wish me luck.

(confidently strides into the future)

 

[Joehobo]

I'd give you advice but you're probably more experienced than me in these matters.
Honestly though, just see how things go you don't want to be pushy, she sounds pretty cute!
It might just happen one night without you expecting it.
It did for me with the ENFJ I knew aha. I did have to coax her out of her shell a little though, but more than anything she had to get me out of mine.
She definately was more confident than I at getting what she wanted.

 

[Neutralpov]

What does your gut tell you? I have a feeling you already know her response

 

[Udog]

Eventually, of course, I'm going to follow the DADT policy - "Do ask and Do tell" - as I'm not at all afraid of rejection. I know each situation is a bit different, but is it possible for me to err by letting this thing ride the way it is for a couple months?

If you are definitely going to say something, I don't see any advantage in waiting. Treating her like just a friend for several months is a great way to get friend zoned, and it's very possible she'll meet someone in the mean time.

 

[011235813]

Looks a-ok to me. Go for it.

No personal romantic experience with an ENFJ but I've always been intrigued by the possibility and I think it could work out pretty well.

 

[OrangeAppled]

I've heard 'round these parts that when an ENFJ wants you, then you KNOW because they make sure you do. I've had some flirty friendships with ENFJs also just to discover they are that way with EVERYONE. When you spend a lot of time alone, then it's hard to note this. You need to see how she is with others to see if there's a distinction between how she treats you & them. But then, I tend to doubt my interpretations of others in romance also.... I'm afraid my interest will cloud my judgment too.

I still think it's better to take the dive & find out for sure rather than miss an opportunity. Not risking a friendship is waaaay overrated, and true friendships can survive this stuff anyway. I wouldn't worry about the timing... 5 months is not that long for her previous relationship (probably nothing too serious that she may need awhile to get over), and many people have short time periods between relationships.

 

[thegrayvapour]

It was her birthday on Saturday and I gave her a present (a lamp I designed and built) the day before. She said she wanted to open it on Saturday.

I didn't hear from her for a couple of days. We worked together on Sunday. She quickly thanked me for her birthday present and gave an unsolicited explanation for why I didn't hear from her: she left her charger at work and her phone died. She also told me about a little crush she developed on someone because of the way he pronounces a word. She then said "But it's not going to go anywhere." I've found myself wondering why she would make a disclaimer.

I've been listening to her when she talks; holding eye contact and such. Surely she can tell by the way I look at her. I caught her looking a me a couple times throughout the day and she would quickly look away - promising, no? She also kept the store open for awhile longer than normal hours, saying I could leave if I needed to, but that she would enjoy my company. Of course, I stayed. We took her old tv to Salvation Army afterward and I invited her to go to the farmer's market after work tomorrow, where I plan on telling her how I feel.

Sometime during work, I said she should wear the hotdog costume she owns to work one day, say on National Hotdog Day. She laughed, and said she would.

We've texted a bit Sunday night after work:

ENFJ: "National Hot Dog Day: July 23."
Me: "(added to calendar)"
ENFJ: "In the date just write, "(her name) dresses as a hot dog"
Me: "I hope someone reads it and thinks I'm judgemental"
ENFJ: "Hopefully"
ENFJ: "And then later sees that I actually am dressed as a hot dog on that day"
Me: "and think I'm a prophet, or at least very persuasive"
ENFJ: "Haha! You could schedule certain days where I dress according to what you choose"
Me: "Oh, you're full of great ideas.."

O.O

 

[thegrayvapour]

Sooo.. a mutual friend has been hinting that she knows something is going on between me and the ENFJ. I mentioned that I was planning to talk to her soon and our friend told me not to. She said she didn't think I would get the answer I am hoping for: whatever that means. She said the ENFJ is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do about it/ doesn't like to say no, etc. I completely understand this, of course.

So my new question is: what would an ENFJ appreciate in this situation? Would most want me to talk to them and clear the air without obligating them to say how they feel or should I just gently pull back a bit and respectfully give it some space; allowing it to be a great friendship?

 

[Anew Leaf]

Sooo.. a mutual friend has been hinting that she knows something is going on between me and the ENFJ. I mentioned that I was planning to talk to her soon and our friend told me not to. She said she didn't think I would get the answer I am hoping for: whatever that means. She said the ENFJ is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do about it/ doesn't like to say no, etc. I completely understand this, of course.

So my new question is: what would an ENFJ appreciate in this situation? Would most want me to talk to them and clear the air without obligating them to say how they feel or should I just gently pull back a bit and respectfully give it some space; allowing it to be a great friendship?

I am sorry to hear this. It sounded quite promising to me as well.

I think if you pull back a bit, that that should do the trick. They are pretty sensitive to the nuances of people.

This is just my INFP advice though . Go by your gut... I, myself, always prefer being direct because that is what I enjoy most... but it is definitely not what everyone wants.

 

[Starry]

Sooo.. a mutual friend has been hinting that she knows something is going on between me and the ENFJ. I mentioned that I was planning to talk to her soon and our friend told me not to. She said she didn't think I would get the answer I am hoping for: whatever that means. She said the ENFJ is overwhelmed and doesn't know what to do about it/ doesn't like to say no, etc. I completely understand this, of course.

So my new question is: what would an ENFJ appreciate in this situation? Would most want me to talk to them and clear the air without obligating them to say how they feel or should I just gently pull back a bit and respectfully give it some space; allowing it to be a great friendship?

I agree with what Saturned said. I think with an ENFJ the best thing to do would be to pull-back (in spite of the fact I too appreciate a direct approach). The only thing that concerns me though is...can this mutual friend be trusted? I mean not that she is being deceitful (edit - although she may be. I have had that happen to me before)...not in that way...but can her interpretation of the situation be trusted? I don't base any of my decisions...especially in these instances...on a 3rd party. I need all the information to come from the source. And so? I understand that this friend is saying not to say anything...but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I would still say something lol. Then I would back-off.

 

[Anew Leaf]

I agree with what Saturned said. I think with an ENFJ the best thing to do would be to pull-back (in spite of the fact I too appreciate a direct approach). The only thing that concerns me though is...can this mutual friend be trusted? I mean not that she is being deceitful (edit - although she may be. I have had that happen to me before)...not in that way...but can her interpretation of the situation be trusted? I don't base any of my decisions...especially in these instances...on a 3rd party. I need all the information to come from the source. And so? I understand that this friend is saying not to say anything...but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I would still say something lol. Then I would back-off.

Excellent points my dear Starry.

There must be a happy medium that can satisfy the need to be direct without forcing her Fe to feel guilty.

 

[thegrayvapour]

I am sorry to hear this. It sounded quite promising to me as well.

I think if you pull back a bit, that that should do the trick. They are pretty sensitive to the nuances of people.

This is just my INFP advice though . Go by your gut... I, myself, always prefer being direct because that is what I enjoy most... but it is definitely not what everyone wants.

It did seem like it was going well. I think she's just second-guessing herself. As I've aged, I've become more comfortable with talking about these things. I was thinking I'd just do a bit of both: talking and stepping back.

I agree with what Saturned said. I think with an ENFJ the best thing to do would be to pull-back (in spite of the fact I too appreciate a direct approach). The only thing that concerns me though is...can this mutual friend be trusted? I mean not that she is being deceitful (edit - although she may be. I have had that happen to me before)...not in that way...but can her interpretation of the situation be trusted? I don't base any of my decisions...especially in these instances...on a 3rd party. I need all the information to come from the source. And so? I understand that this friend is saying not to say anything...but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I would still say something lol. Then I would back-off.

I think I can trust this one. I've had people screw me over that way in the past, for sure. Usually a mutual friend who is mildly interested in me as well. I don't think that is what is happening now.

So, I'm going to tell her what I've been feeling and describe to her what I think is going on. I just want her to know that I want to keep spending time with her, regardless.

 

[xenaprincess]

that's nice. I hope it works out!!

You said she's only been out of the relationship a few weeks. It might just be too soon? maybe she needs to get to an emotionally neutral headspace to be able to evaluate? to make sure she's not re-bounding?

if the chemistry is good, it'll remain that way. But it's tough. With some guy friends I knew it would just stay a friendship, even though they were absolutely fantastic guys. It certainly takes two to tango.

 

[Neutralpov]

I've heard 'round these parts that when an ENFJ wants you, then you KNOW because they make sure you do. I've had some flirty friendships with ENFJs also just to discover they are that way with EVERYONE. When you spend a lot of time alone, then it's hard to note this. You need to see how she is with others to see if there's a distinction between how she treats you & them. But then, I tend to doubt my interpretations of others in romance also.... I'm afraid my interest will cloud my judgment too.

This. When an ENFJ likes you it is obvious. Maybe more graceful obvious as I mature. I hate uncomfortable conversations like telling someone who I have to see all the time I don't want to date them. Just don't get emotional and emote negative or hurt feelings afterward if things don't turn out the way you want. I would mini-door slam that to keep it from making my life negative and guilt ridden. Basically control your self and take care of your self and be mature in the process please or you will get distanced imo, especially since she is dealing with her own breakup her tank is already at a full level for dealing with this stuff.

 

[thegrayvapour]

...The only thing that concerns me though is...can this mutual friend be trusted? I mean not that she is being deceitful (edit - although she may be. I have had that happen to me before)...not in that way...but can her interpretation of the situation be trusted? I don't base any of my decisions...especially in these instances...on a 3rd party. I need all the information to come from the source. And so? I understand that this friend is saying not to say anything...but that wouldn't be good enough for me. I would still say something lol. Then I would back-off.

Mutual friend brought it back up again yesterday. She was offering all sorts of unsolicited advice and "insight" which seemed a little off, because I have offered next to nothing, only, "I think I'm should to talk to (ENFJ)." I told mutual friend that I wasn't sure how to take her advice because it seemed ill-informed. I was questioning internally whether I should view it as indirect communication from ENFJ or whether there was another reason why mutual friend had an opinion about the situation at all. Mutual friend, who will from now on be referred to as "MF" (haha) became way more emotional than the conversation needed (in my humble Fe opinion) and proceeded to tell me that ENFJ isn't good with handling conflicts in relationships and by talking to her, I would be making things worse. Does that sound like an ENFJ to any of you? The thing is, I've seen this particular ENFJ handle intense conflicts in relationships with poise and grace and optimism. I wasn't buying it and I told her.

Then I called my mom to vent.

Mom says, "Maybe "MF" still has feelings for you?"

O.O

I had completely forgotten that at one point "MF" developed a crush on me. Sooooo... I'm a more than a little frustrated. [MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION] was right. Mom too.

This. When an ENFJ likes you it is obvious. Maybe more graceful obvious as I mature. I hate uncomfortable conversations like telling someone who I have to see all the time I don't want to date them. Just don't get emotional and emote negative or hurt feelings afterward if things don't turn out the way you want. I would mini-door slam that to keep it from making my life negative and guilt ridden. Basically control your self and take care of your self and be mature in the process please or you will get distanced imo, especially since she is dealing with her own breakup her tank is already at a full level for dealing with this stuff.

I totally believe this. I think it is obvious, I just second guess my ability to interpret obvious signs. I don't trust that I see them clearly. I am suspicious of my tendency to see things the way I want to see them.

She responds positively when I tell her she is beautiful.
We spend time together alone. (Dinner, movies, hiking, walking shopping)
She remembers things that I like, and goes out of her way to share them.
She openly tells me about things she doesn't share with her other friends.
(I've noticed she withholds information from other people that she has previously shared with me)
She talks about negative feelings she has about other people with me.
She referred to me as "love" yesterday. (Oops?)

Am I looking for something more obvious? I don't think she would flat out tell me, as she has mentioned a few times her fear of rejection.

She hasn't been the one to initiate contact for the last week.
She has stopped hugging me.
She hasn't been her warm, bubbly self.
We haven't had dinner together in a week. (Now that seems silly.)

I could interpret this two ways: she doesn't return my unstated feelings (haha) and doesn't want to lead me on, or she likes me and is worried about it - isn't ready for it; doesn't know how I feel for sure.

Either way, I won't know until I talk to her. I just have to do it. There is no reason why I would emote negative or hurt feelings. She's rad and I like her. I don't feel like there are mixed signals from ENFJ at all. If I read it wrong, I read it wrong. I take full responsibility for the amount of dopamine and serotonin pumping through my little brain. I might be wrong, but won't she feel LESS pressure if I tell her about my feelings without obligating her to return them?

I love love. Even when it doesn't work.

 

[Starry]

I had completely forgotten that at one point "MF" developed a crush on me. Sooooo... I'm a more than a little frustrated. [MENTION=10082]Starry[/MENTION] was right.

Normally, I would take pride in having been right...but I can't say that I feel this way in this instance. I actually have some anxiousness in the pit of my stomach as I'm concerned with regards to what this mutual 'friend' is saying about you, etc. to your ENFJ. I feel you need to act quickly now. I feel like you must speak to your ENFJ as soon as possible.

 

[Udog]

I had completely forgotten that at one point "MF" developed a crush on me. Sooooo... I'm a more than a little frustrated. Starry was right. Mom too.

Agree with Starry - even if MF is genuinely trying to be helpful, she's making things worse. The longer you wait, the worse she'll make things between you and the ENFJ.

I totally believe this. I think it is obvious, I just second guess my ability to interpret obvious signs. I don't trust that I see them clearly. I am suspicious of my tendency to see things the way I want to see them.

She responds positively when I tell her she is beautiful.
We spend time together alone. (Dinner, movies, hiking, walking shopping)
She remembers things that I like, and goes out of her way to share them.
She openly tells me about things she doesn't share with her other friends.
(I've noticed she withholds information from other people that she has previously shared with me)
She talks about negative feelings she has about other people with me.
She referred to me as "love" yesterday. (Oops?)

Am I looking for something more obvious? I don't think she would flat out tell me, as she has mentioned a few times her fear of rejection.

Yeah, more obvious than that. All of those things are "friendly", although a couple of those things suggest she's comfortable around you and thinks of you as a good friend. Still, when OrangeAppled and Neutralpov said that when an ENFJ likes you it's obvious, what they really mean is that it's OBVIOUS. Think more like flirtatious behavior that's borderline scandalous (assuming she thinks you can handle it), or on the other side of the spectrum, them simply finding a way to talk about it directly sooner rather than later.

 

[thegrayvapour]

What about asking me, "Isn't there an older man who is looking for a younger, yet stable girlfriend?"

And she isn't into me, will I fuck things up by saying something or by not saying anything?

Sorry for the language. I'm four beers deep.

 

[thegrayvapour]

oh my god.

I'm in the friendzone.