The journey begins

[Vergil]

xxxx Oct 2012 xxxx
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I never thought I’d write about my thoughts, primarily because I’m more or less convinced that writing about my thoughts will serve only to remind me of all the bad things I've done or that have happened to me.

A lot of people have suggested before, that I should write about my feelings, keep a private journal, to have an outlet for my feelings, thoughts, frustrations. I had never once considered doing any such thing. Until now, that is.

Right now, I’m sitting in a train, making way home for Diwali after a rather long period in a city I hate. I have my ears plugged and I’m listening to “Barbie girl”. Hah! The ridiculousness of this situation is just far beyond what I could ever have imagined. But what compels me to write is a strange desire I have, a desire I had long suppressed, perhaps? I cannot be certain. But this desire begs and pleads to feel intensity, the kind of intensity that is rarely brought on in me.

This is very strange for me. So strange that it is almost alien. I am curious. I want to know where this feeling will lead me. So far, this is proving to be interesting and pleasant, but I fear it will turn into a nightmare fairly soon. I am quite neurotic and paranoid, to be honest. But I hate being like that. Intense emotion makes me want to take a break from life. Just stop everything and do something that’s not nearly as resource intensive, or do nothing at all. I don’t think I can explain this well. Intense emotions burn the delicate circuits in my brain. I have mad rushes of insanity and I feel lost. Whether or not being lost brings in a sense of pleasure is a different matter altogether.

Okay, let’s put it this way. When the mad rush begins, I can picture events - events that may never actually occur – taking place at lightning speed and I find myself in the future, either admiring the beauty of my life, my success, my happiness or wallowing in misery resulting from poor decision making, a feeling of lack of control over my life, bad luck, etc. These flashes of the future seem very real for a while and my state of mind changes accordingly. I either become euphoric or I feel despondent and it’s all very spontaneous and very intense. I rarely like to be in public when I have these episodes of ‘feeling’. On a few occasions though, I have been with a few very close friends and when this feeling surfaces, people have said that I become completely different from my usual calm self. People get to see the storm that rages on the inside and a good number of them said that it was scary. They felt unable to restrain me or to console me.

I find it funny, if I think about it now. Most of those instances seem like times when I had just shut off my analytical systems. It is shameful even, because I know that I was being irrational, unreasonable or even plain stupid. If anything, I hate being stupid. I tend to be very harsh with myself when I let others see that tumultuous side of me. I do not like to reveal my inner self too easily. In order for me to show my inner self to someone, I need a great deal of trust in the other person. I need to be completely sure that the other person will not take advantage of me, will not judge me, and will not be afraid of what I really think and so much more. I am also afraid of abandonment.

It seems an insurmountable hurdle both for me and for the ones who try to get to know me, to satisfy all the prerequisites. It is a near impossible standard. But yes, it exists and for this reason I think I will never truly be able to show the face behind the mask to anyone. At times, I feel relieved at the thought because what I am on the inside, I feel, is too monstrous to be revealed and at other times I feel bad, to have to hide perpetually.

The bright side I guess is that I don’t get like this often. I tend to be occupied with things like reading, playing games, thinking of my work, just learning of new things in the world and so much more.

But at the end of it all, if I think about it, all I want to do is remove that mask before my face and show someone what I am really like. That is what I imagine it will be like when I fall in love.

For me, love is like a rope – a rope that the love of my life would use to reel me up towards the heavens while I plummet towards the ground at light speed. I am free-falling right now because I still have my mask on, and I am yet to catch hold of a rope to stop me from falling. No one I have ever met has had the courage to let a rope down to save me, and I am very cynical about it. I doubt I will ever meet that person. With each passing day, I think I’ll find myself with my back against the ground, staring up at the heavens with a smile – a cynical smile – and a lot of bitterness towards my fellow man.