[ENFJ] The ENFJ Facade/Fakeness

[Jim]

hi i'm new,

a lurker, but now a member!

At work today, a colleague said to me 'I feel like you're hiding who you really are from me'

Do enfjs get this a lot, and why?

 

[Atomic Fiend]

Welcome.

Yes they do, don't know why, I don't think it's intentional though.

 

[INA]

They can seem inscrutable, like they're holding something back behind that charm and good nature, and that's because they often are. If you're smart and press the right pressure points, you may just get it, too.

 

[Jim]

They can seem inscrutable, like they're holding something back behind that charm and good nature, and that's because they often are. If you're smart and press the right pressure points, you may just get it, too.

like what?

i don't feel like i'm hiding anything?

 

[Brendan]

Do enfjs get this a lot, and why?

Yes, because most people can't handle what lies behind the mask, and I at least would rather not drive most people away.

 

[INA]

like what?

i don't feel like i'm hiding anything?

I wonder if they even see it that way. I noticed a tendency sometimes to hold back their negative personal opinion of something if expressing judgment is disruptive and goes against getting people to cooperate the way they want. They pace themselves. Unless I'm just lucky so far.

 

[Jim]

I wonder if they even see it that way. I noticed a tendency sometimes to hold back their negative personal opinion of something if expressing judgment is disruptive and goes against getting people to cooperate the way they want. They pace themselves. Unless I'm just lucky so far.

Perhaps

This is the same person that called me the most truthful person they've ever known. I've known them for a long time, so I can't understand why they would say this now...are enfjs renowned for being a more 'reserved' type of extrovert?

 

[Sniffles]

Perhaps it's an NFJ thing? Since I commonly hear similar remarks made about INFJs - but then again we're introverts so we have that excuse.

 

[Atomic Fiend]

...are enfjs renowned for being a more 'reserved' type of extrovert?

No.

 

[Jim]

Perhaps it's an NFJ thing? Since I commonly hear similar remarks made about INFJs - but then again we're introverts so we have that excuse.

Well, I think I'm more introverted, but I've been told numerous times that I'm an extrovert?

 

[Sniffles]

Well, I think I'm more introverted, but I've been told numerous times that I'm an extrovert?

Yes that confusion often arises with INFJs, people will often assume they're extroverts when in fact they're not. This has happened to me quite a few times.

 

[substitute]

When I meet with ENFJ's, they seem to never really loosen up. I get a sense that whatever I'm saying, they're sort of inwardly having their own thoughts about it that are something other than the smiles and nods they're expressing outwardly. I always go away feeling like I've made a bad impression... and then...?

To my mystification, they later call me and say how much they enjoyed our chat and want to get together for lunch again soon, and I hear other people saying how they speak highly of me, etc...

I just don't get it! Cos whenever I'm with them I really do get a very strong impression that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm being disapproved of in some way! lol

 

[The Third Rider]

When I meet with ENFJ's, they seem to never really loosen up. I get a sense that whatever I'm saying, they're sort of inwardly having their own thoughts about it that are something other than the smiles and nods they're expressing outwardly. I always go away feeling like I've made a bad impression... and then...?

To my mystification, they later call me and say how much they enjoyed our chat and want to get together for lunch again soon, and I hear other people saying how they speak highly of me, etc...

I just don't get it! Cos whenever I'm with them I really do get a very strong impression that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm being disapproved of in some way! lol

You are just paranoid.

 

[proteanmix]

ENFJs don't like to talk about themselves. You can even see it on the forum, ENFJs are the NFs least likely to have threads going on and on forever about them even though there is a small but consistent amount of ENFJs lurking on the forum (hey yall!:hi.

I reveal myself to people who I feel comfortable with which is a surprisingly small amount of people. I certainly don't have this huge vat of secrets I'm hiding. ENFJs have that nice Fe covering so that batshit Ni doesn't come out clocking people over the head and scaring them off.

When you develop a good feel about people you learn what they're really interested in or what they're pretending to be interested in and you respond in kind. Pretending's not even the right word because that implies deception when it's not that. It's more like some repetitive habit we acquire when dealing with people. I say good morning you say good morning, you ask me how I'm doing I say I'm fine, I repeat the question back to you, you say you're fine and we're done. I know most people don't care what I did over the weekend or what I want to do with my life but they'll ask out of courtesy and I'm fine with that. I suppose having these jejune transactions with most people makes you more reflective than revealing and I don't doubt people can sense that.

And mostly, when I listen to people telling me about themselves I'm also figuring out if they're the kind of person who I'd want to share myself with. I'm highly observational of people through interaction. If someone sounds simple in the head (which I can usually tell after talking to a person awhile) I'm taking the information and making decisions on if I'd like to have a deeper relationship with the person. Maybe Substitute isn't so paranoid because I know I do it.

 

[Edgar]

like what?

i don't feel like i'm hiding anything?

ENFJs act like they love everybody. And NOBODY loves everybody.

 

[StoryOfMyLife]

Yes that confusion often arises with INFJs, people will often assume they're extroverts when in fact they're not. This has happened to me quite a few times.

I've had that happen to me as well...people assume I'm naturally outgoing and sociable instead of realizing that it's not that I can't handle people, I just don't like being exposed to them for an extended amount of time.. It does get to be too much-- I'm fine during, but afterward, I feel pretty tired from all of the socializing.

 

[heart]

At work today, a colleague said to me 'I feel like you're hiding who you really are from me'

If you are just getting this from this one person, I'd think he was either really indicating he'd like to get to know you better and is feeling frustrated about it, not feeling he is accomplishing it ... could just a personal plea to get closer or they are just looking for something to nitpick about you and this was the best they could do.

 

[substitute]

You are just paranoid.

No, I'm really not. Point of fact, my shrink and I have discussions about my being actually too far the opposite...

I don't get that feeling with anyone but xNFJ's, but especially ENFJ's. It's definitely something they're doing, because I speak to other people and they say they feel the same when they talk to the ENFJ. I don't know what it is, I can't and wouldn't guess at what's actually going on in their heads, but their faces and body language scream to me that they're not relaxed, not happy, not enjoying themselves no matter how much they smile and nervous-laugh...

 

[Jim]

ENFJs don't like to talk about themselves. You can even see it on the forum, ENFJs are the NFs least likely to have threads going on and on forever about them even though there is a small but consistent amount of ENFJs lurking on the forum (hey yall!:hi.

I reveal myself to people who I feel comfortable with which is a surprisingly small amount of people. I certainly don't have this huge vat of secrets I'm hiding. ENFJs have that nice Fe covering so that batshit Ni doesn't come out clocking people over the head and scaring them off.

When you develop a good feel about people you learn what they're really interested in or what they're pretending to be interested in and you respond in kind. Pretending's not even the right word because that implies deception when it's not that. It's more like some repetitive habit we acquire when dealing with people. I say good morning you say good morning, you ask me how I'm doing I say I'm fine, I repeat the question back to you, you say you're fine and we're done. I know most people don't care what I did over the weekend or what I want to do with my life but they'll ask out of courtesy and I'm fine with that. I suppose having these jejune transactions with most people makes you more reflective than revealing and I don't doubt people can sense that.

And mostly, when I listen to people telling me about themselves I'm also figuring out if they're the kind of person who I'd want to share myself with. I'm highly observational of people through interaction. If someone sounds simple in the head (which I can usually tell after talking to a person awhile) I'm taking the information and making decisions on if I'd like to have a deeper relationship with the person. Maybe Substitute isn't so paranoid because I know I do it.

howdy!

yeah, i feel quite odd talking 'bout myself, but it's the only way i'll get answers. I don't know if this counts for anything, but when I'm with people I like and stuff. the energy's pretty contagious - i do like people.

I also feel like when I'm with different people I may give off a different impression depending on who i'm with. it's not that i'm pretending as such, it just happens - why is this?

 

[substitute]

About not talking about themselves... that's quite a big NFJ thing generally I think that makes me find it hard to connect or trust them. in fact the main thing behind why I just could never work with my parish priest was because after a while I realized that I'd told him everything about myself including things I never told another living soul, and yet I didn't so much as know his favourite colour or what music he liked. He just never, ever volunteered information and even if I asked him for it, he'd give a minimal answer and then evade, turn it back onto me. It gave me a feeling after a while like he wanted to feel like he was in control, directing what was said... but also that he didn't trust me, so I figured in the end why should I trust him any more? In fact, why did I bother in the first place if he never intended to give anything back?

edit - I once confronted him about it and he said when I was telling him my stuff he didn't want to "hi-jack" it by going on about himself, which totally baffled me. I tried to explain that I wanted him to reciprocate, that my opening up was a stream of gestures of trust towards him which, when they never got returned, made me feel resentful. It also made me feel uneasy around him - think about it, you're pouring yourself out to someone and they just sit there and don't say what they think or anything. What else are you gonna think but that they think you're an idiot but are just too polite to say? And how long are you going to go on sharing your inner self with someone who seems not to appreciate it?