[ESFJ] telling a thick ESFJ to fuck off nicely

[prplchknz]

but without offending them and still getting the message across. So I know this girl most likely ESFJ, I don't like going out with her, as she annoys me and touches me on my inner thigh, often grabs my ass and boobs. She's bi and I know she has a crush on me, I've told her repeatly don't touch me. She becomes annoying and if we're doing something they may be considered illegal she makes it obvious when we go out in public. She calls me all the time I never answer and ims me I went as far as blocking her on facebook, so I could message my actual friends without her being all like "Don't you like me?" *whine* *whine* *whine* now this isn't bad if she didn't ask you the same thing a hundred times and you don't have a chance to answer and when you do she doesn't listen. She also thinks were best friends we've known each other less then year. It takes a lot longer for us to be best friends, hell I don't even consider her a friend. She's more of an aquintance I sometimes hang out with to swim with, but not even doing that as she doesn't seem to get that "Don't touch me their" means don't touch me their.
Oh and she reacently got a car and I'm afraid she's going to show up at my house and my mom is going to be their and be like come on in. I'm going to be stuck with her and it's going to suck.

Any advice on how to say I don't like you. you're annoying and have no personal space. and her getting the message. I've tried, but I suck at telling people what exactly I think of them. It comes out either to nice and they love me and think I'm the greatest or overly bitchy.

 

[Randomnity]

Ha. I know someone exactly like that. I think she's ESFJ also, possibly ESFP.

The only thing I can say is make it very very obvious you aren't enjoying her company, borderline being rude. Block her calls, don't initiate anything, respond in monosyllables, use a nonanimated tone of voice. She really should get the hint.

Odd that she won't stop touching you after you flat-out tell her not to. If she was male that would be considered sexual harassment/assault. I would argue it would be in this case too, but I don't know how the laws are about that. If she ignores direct orders to stop touching you, you have to get angry with her (even if it makes you uncomfortable), possibly threaten legal action if you can do it convincingly. That shit's not cool.

 

[Sona]

but without offending them and still getting the message across. So I know this girl most likely ESFJ, I don't like going out with her, as she annoys me and touches me on my inner thigh, often grabs my ass and boobs. She's bi and I know she has a crush on me, I've told her repeatly don't touch me. She becomes annoying and if we're doing something they may be considered illegal she makes it obvious when we go out in public. She calls me all the time I never answer and ims me I went as far as blocking her on facebook, so I could message my actual friends without her being all like "Don't you like me?" *whine* *whine* *whine* now this isn't bad if she didn't ask you the same thing a hundred times and you don't have a chance to answer and when you do she doesn't listen. She also thinks were best friends we've known each other less then year. It takes a lot longer for us to be best friends, hell I don't even consider her a friend. She's more of an aquintance I sometimes hang out with to swim with, but not even doing that as she doesn't seem to get that "Don't touch me their" means don't touch me their.
Oh and she reacently got a car and I'm afraid she's going to show up at my house and my mom is going to be their and be like come on in. I'm going to be stuck with her and it's going to suck.

Any advice on how to say I don't like you. you're annoying and have no personal space. and her getting the message. I've tried, but I suck at telling people what exactly I think of them. It comes out either to nice and they love me and think I'm the greatest or overly bitchy.

Is he pretty give me her number if yes...

Lol OK am kidding...

I see the problem, when a girl says no she normally means yes when it comes to sex, they always say no. Maybe she's thinking that. Just shit her down and tell her you're not interested in her sexually. You need to tell her this clearly.

You just have to be real. Just say to her "I'm busy" or what I do "Bro, I can't see you for a few days I'll call you when I can"

Or just get it on with her its only sex.

 

[Randomnity]

I see the problem, when a girl says no she normally means yes when it comes to sex, they always say no. .

Maybe in your country (?), but here it's expected that you respect a girl enough to believe her when she says she doesn't want to be touched by you. Shocking concept, I know.

 

[Sona]

Ha. I know someone exactly like that. I think she's ESFJ also, possibly ESFP.

The only thing I can say is make it very very obvious you aren't enjoying her company, borderline being rude. Block her calls, don't initiate anything, respond in monosyllables, use a nonanimated tone of voice. She really should get the hint.

Odd that she won't stop touching you after you flat-out tell her not to. If she was male that would be considered sexual harassment/assault. I would argue it would be in this case too, but I don't know how the laws are about that. If she ignores direct orders to stop touching you, you have to get angry with her (even if it makes you uncomfortable), possibly threaten legal action if you can do it convincingly. That shit's not cool.

Don't be silly. Thats just crazy ass paranoid going over the top stuff. Sometimes I've been in the position, were I've had a girl say no, no and still be kissing me and me putting my hand down there and her saying more no, and then eventually saying, yes, yes. You just have to turn them on first. But you know its a real no when she gets your hand and moves it away, that means a real no, no.

 

[Sona]

Maybe in your country (?), but here it's expected that you respect a girl enough to believe her when she says she doesn't want to be touched by you. Shocking concept, I know.

Yes in England. Most girls say no, while inviting you at the same time. Maybe its different for the older generation.

 

[Randomnity]

Maybe its different for the older generation.

If you're younger than me, I'm not surprised that your views are so immature (or that you're seemingly going after weak/immature girls). I'm not exactly ancient.

 

[Sona]

If you're younger than me, I'm not surprised that your views are so immature (or that you're seemingly going after weak/immature girls). I'm not exactly ancient.

I wouldn't say weak or immature. As most of the woman who've played hard to get have actually been older then me. I can remember this one experience vividly, when I had sex with an older woman perhaps in her mid 30s I was early 20s. We were around her place my friend was seeing her friend, them both were having sex, me and the older woman had been flirting i.e. we had been playing wrestling (don't ask) she wanted to have sex with me, but it was the whole thing that I was young which she had an issue with, she was sitting in my lap and I just started kissing the back of her neck, she was saying "No" but then she was also leaning back more into me, she was enjoying it. Then after a while she just said "fuck this" she grabbed me, and taken me into the next room and we had sex. I actually had sex with her for a few weeks after that too. It was alright. This was like 6 - 7 months ago.

 

[Totenkindly]

Frankly, I'm not sure how to parse Sona's comments.

On one hand, I am realizing I do find his outlook offensive. On the other hand, I am trying very hard to listen and put myself in his shoes and see things as if I had grown up in his situation -- I am very aware of how the mentality in another culture can be different, and I am also aware of the man-seduces-woman philosophies espoused in books like "The Game."

And people do not make it easy: What are men to think when a woman says, "No, no, no" and then finally says, "Yes"? I cannot even comprehend whether that "yes" described by Sona was an actual "yes":

• Was she just playing hard to get?
• Was she just not interested, then decided she was later and changed her mind?
• Did she just get tired of fighting off the pressure and gave up?
• Was it a conflict between desire and purity, and she finally was overwhelmed?
• More importantly, will she look back the next day and feel ashamed and disgusted with herself for being so weak or putting herself in the position where a man could wear her down?

I'm getting a headache.

OP: What a lousy situation to be in. Yes, if she was a guy, her behavior would be visibly FAR out of line. But she gets away with it because she is female.

I don't know how to get rid of her, short of your steeling yourself for the inevitable confrontation, telling yourself this is for your own good and hers, and telling her that you don't want to be friends with her anymore.

If she hates you, does it matter? I know you don't like it when people are mad at you, but sometimes in life you have to accept that there are people who will dislike you just because you're you. Their feelings also might change over time. Meanwhile, you need to put up some protective boundaries for yourself. Every time you give into her, you're also setting yourself up for allowing someone else even more dangerous (potentially) to walk over you. If it helps to consider it "practice" by begging off this friendship, then think that way.

Really, it's not because you truly hate her. She simply is making herself a pest and violating you / not respecting you as a person at every turn. She needs to learn to change too.

 

[Oberon]

...telling a thick ESFJ to fuck off nicely...

Skip the "nicely" part and just do it, in exactly those words.

This person isn't your friend, and likely never will be. It's time to make her see that you won't be used.

 

[heart]

Sona does have a good point. No means more clearly no when a woman moves away from the guy and stops all action.

When I was working as a teenager we had this male manager who was always putting his hands all over the girls/women. Most of them would just giggle and simper and say "Stop it, stop it" and he continued to touch them. I would get away from him and if I was working serving customers and could not move away from him, I turned myself to stone and didn't give him any feedback, he stopped bothering me, continued bothering the girls who giggled and squealed for him to stop. I think he flattered himself that they were flirting with him, but I really think they just didn't know how to handle the situation. He was fired by the district manager. Some people are just jerks and will continue to push the envelope as long as they can kid themselves there is some interest there.

As for prplchknz's question, I think you've exhausted the telling her off nice options. You've just got to be blunt now.

 

[runvardh]

Another vote for the blunt instrument. She'll resent it, but if she doesn't bounce back she ain't worth the trouble of keeping.

 

[Sona]

Frankly, I'm not sure how to parse Sona's comments.

On one hand, I am realizing I do find his outlook offensive. On the other hand, I am trying very hard to listen and put myself in his shoes and see things as if I had grown up in his situation -- I am very aware of how the mentality in another culture can be different, and I am also aware of the man-seduces-woman philosophies espoused in books like "The Game."

And people do not make it easy: What are men to think when a woman says, "No, no, no" and then finally says, "Yes"? I cannot even comprehend whether that "yes" described by Sona was an actual "yes":

• Was she just playing hard to get?
• Was she just not interested, then decided she was later and changed her mind?
• Did she just get tired of fighting off the pressure and gave up?
• Was it a conflict between desire and purity, and she finally was overwhelmed?
• More importantly, will she look back the next day and feel ashamed and disgusted with herself for being so weak or putting herself in the position where a man could wear her down?

I'm getting a headache.

Sometimes, you know its a no, when they move away. I mean you can tell by the tone of the voice. But seriously, haven't you ever flirted with a guy, him touching you, and you've been saying no, but really you've meant yes. i.e. you/ve been kissing him and at the same time saying no.

It very seldom a woman comes out and says "hay I want to have sex with you and takes her panties off for you" only sluts do that. And they never say "no" when theres a shag on the plate.

If I was a female I'd be classed as a slut.

 

[cafe]

Are there likely to be negative ramifications at work or school or something if you make an enemy of her? If not, another vote for "skip the nice."

 

[heart]

Sona, I have never said "no" and not meant it. It doesn't make a woman a slut to be honest with men about wanting or not wanting sex. Maybe things are different were you live, but where I live even in the late 1980s girls had pretty much dropped the whole playing coy thing with regards to sex. It also doesn't mean they never say no. I hate to say it, but some of your posts sort of sound like really cheesy bodice ripper novels.

 

[prplchknz]

If I was a female I'd be classed as a slut.

And if I was a male I'd be gay.

Thanks for your advice everyone. Next time she calls or messages me I'm going to kick her out of my life and make sure she gets the message *pictures herself all mobster dressed walking up to L and going "Bitch this my life get out" while pointing a gun at her*

 

[Totenkindly]

Sometimes, you know its a no, when they move away. I mean you can tell by the tone of the voice. But seriously, haven't you ever flirted with a guy, him touching you, and you've been saying no, but really you've meant yes. i.e. you/ve been kissing him and at the same time saying no.

Actually... no.

(That's why I am having some trouble understanding your interpretations of people's behavior!)

 

[booyalab]

Actually... no.

(That's why I am having some trouble understanding your interpretations of people's behavior!)

yeah, it's not generally acceptable to say one thing and do another.

 

[girlnamedbless]

I agree with mostly everyone else on here. You have to be firm. Sometimes, I just don't get it when people are trying to tell me something *coughNPscough*
But yeah, I don't know if there's a real point in sugarcoating anything. Perhaps you shouldn't use the words "fuck off," but more like "Listen, I don't feel comfortable with you touching me, I'm not comfortable around you, we shouldn't hang out so much anymore." You have to be direct, or she just won't get it.

 

[reason]

Actually... no.

By 'no' should I assume you mean 'yes'?