LucrativeSid
New member
- Joined
- Oct 20, 2007
- Messages
- 837
It's been a little over two weeks since my last update. Like usual, I started off well, faded out, and ended terribly.
The thing that I've been the most successful with has been reading. I decided to read more this summer. I don't know when I started, but I've knocked out 3 non-fiction books and 3 fiction books since around the start of May. I'm reading a non-fiction book now. On the one hand, reading 6 or 7 books in one month is pretty cool. On the other hand, it just goes to show that I've wasted a lot of time just sitting around. I can't fool myself into thinking reading a few books is an accomplishment, because I enjoy it too much. Reading is a good thing, but it's not real progress. Nothing to be proud of. Maybe for some people, but not for me. It's too natural for me.
I started running and quit after 4 days. I still haven't dealt with that "practical living" crap that I was talking about in my last post.
I did have a more positive attitude for a while, but it went away like it usually does.
I've been doing a lot better than usual, but I pretty much failed at all three of the primary goals I went over in the last summer update.
This sounds bad, but I'll cut myself some slack. I aimed high, and didn't quite make it, but I still got a lot farther than usual.
I've done SOME things that I'm proud of myself for! Sometimes that only happens once a year. But as usual, I've failed to tackle anything that is really challenging. I'm a quitter and I'm allergic to any kind of real effort.
I've let my bad habits take over again. I've created some systems that are extremely hard to override. I'm always very optimistic about the future and the big picture, but I'm very negative and pessimistic about all the little problems in the present moment.
I just want to sleep and indulge in bad habits to escape the practical, boring, and challenging activities that I need to partake in to make real progress towards my goals and desires.
Working is for suckers. If you're dumb and you work hard, you don't know any better. Sucker! And if you're smart and you work hard, you're fooling yourself into thinking that your sacrifices are worth something. Sucker! (I do not actually believe this. It's a damn feeling!)
I want life to be challenging, but then when it is, I don't like it. I only like certain kinds of challenges.
I know I can do anything if I work hard. But that sucks! How can anything be so important that I'd work hard for it? (When I do work hard, it's on something I enjoy so it doesn't feel like work, but those kinds of things don't get you ahead in a practical sense.)
Plus, my goals change daily. What I want today will seem like nothing but a waste of time tomorrow. I'm not suicidal at all, but I think of being dead all the time. Life takes so much EFFORT! Surely it would be a great compromise to give away everything I care about to avoid everything I hate.
But conquering these thoughts and feelings and trying to live an outstanding life is one challenge that keeps me going. Maybe because it's the hardest thing in the world for me. It's the only thing I think about. (Even when I avoid taking action for days at a time.)
That's pretty stupid!
Regardless of everything I've just said, I'm happy.
Nothing can defeat me. I will conquer everything I want to in this life.
The thing that I've been the most successful with has been reading. I decided to read more this summer. I don't know when I started, but I've knocked out 3 non-fiction books and 3 fiction books since around the start of May. I'm reading a non-fiction book now. On the one hand, reading 6 or 7 books in one month is pretty cool. On the other hand, it just goes to show that I've wasted a lot of time just sitting around. I can't fool myself into thinking reading a few books is an accomplishment, because I enjoy it too much. Reading is a good thing, but it's not real progress. Nothing to be proud of. Maybe for some people, but not for me. It's too natural for me.
I started running and quit after 4 days. I still haven't dealt with that "practical living" crap that I was talking about in my last post.
I did have a more positive attitude for a while, but it went away like it usually does.
I've been doing a lot better than usual, but I pretty much failed at all three of the primary goals I went over in the last summer update.
This sounds bad, but I'll cut myself some slack. I aimed high, and didn't quite make it, but I still got a lot farther than usual.
I've done SOME things that I'm proud of myself for! Sometimes that only happens once a year. But as usual, I've failed to tackle anything that is really challenging. I'm a quitter and I'm allergic to any kind of real effort.
I've let my bad habits take over again. I've created some systems that are extremely hard to override. I'm always very optimistic about the future and the big picture, but I'm very negative and pessimistic about all the little problems in the present moment.
I just want to sleep and indulge in bad habits to escape the practical, boring, and challenging activities that I need to partake in to make real progress towards my goals and desires.
Working is for suckers. If you're dumb and you work hard, you don't know any better. Sucker! And if you're smart and you work hard, you're fooling yourself into thinking that your sacrifices are worth something. Sucker! (I do not actually believe this. It's a damn feeling!)
I want life to be challenging, but then when it is, I don't like it. I only like certain kinds of challenges.
I know I can do anything if I work hard. But that sucks! How can anything be so important that I'd work hard for it? (When I do work hard, it's on something I enjoy so it doesn't feel like work, but those kinds of things don't get you ahead in a practical sense.)
Plus, my goals change daily. What I want today will seem like nothing but a waste of time tomorrow. I'm not suicidal at all, but I think of being dead all the time. Life takes so much EFFORT! Surely it would be a great compromise to give away everything I care about to avoid everything I hate.
But conquering these thoughts and feelings and trying to live an outstanding life is one challenge that keeps me going. Maybe because it's the hardest thing in the world for me. It's the only thing I think about. (Even when I avoid taking action for days at a time.)
That's pretty stupid!
Regardless of everything I've just said, I'm happy.
Nothing can defeat me. I will conquer everything I want to in this life.
