Story Shards + My Experience with 6's

[small.wonder]

Last week, I had a person literally storm out on me for the first time in 5 years.

I pride myself on how far I've come in taming my tongue and peppering the way I deliver truth, with love. It's a lesson I had to learn when the proverbial rug was pulled out from under my feet at the age of 15 via my diagnosis of Narcolepsy with Cataplexy. Cataplexy is a strange neurological symptom that renders the victim's muscle tone weak and useless, it's trigger is simply emotion.

As a 4, I'm sure you can imagine the irony in this.

As an emotionally volatile individual, even as a sophomore in High School, I found my normal ability to keenly, passionately and cuttingly debate and spar verbally with others literally torn from me at the hands of this symptom. Anger, embarrassment, woe, sadly even laughter turned my muscles to water. Sometimes this caused a mild knee buckle requiring me to catch myself on a chair or locker. Other times a full and total body collapse, rendering me unable to move (aside from breathing) for several minutes.

Nothing shatters self righteousness or arrogance like being physically hamstrung, and looking back I'm so glad I was. I was the child who soared, succeeded at all that I did or touched, and abused my gifts left and right (if unintentionally). Standing here looking back, I know that God saved me from myself by crippling me. I shutter to think what I might have become, had He not.

But I digress and return to the aforementioned events that are still a mystery to me. I had a friend over to my apartment for tea on Thursday, we meet regularly to check in about life and such. She is 6w7, five years my junior (20) and is generally pretty mature minus a tantrum or sullen passive-aggression here and there. We go to church together and my aim since I met her two years ago was to walk alongside her, hear her heart and accept her for who she is. I needed that when I was that age and didn't have it. I've since become a strong believer in pouring into those younger than myself and receiving wisdom from those older than me.

I left her a voice-mail pretty immediately after she stormed out the door, expressing my confusion and openness to hear her out. She text messaged me the next day to say she was sorry for how immaturely she handled herself, and would let me know when she was ready to talk. Despite the crazy and how sick I felt after that incident, it's made me realize a pattern of issues I have with 6's. I love them (there are four that I have been close with) but these are the things I've repeatedly found issue with inter-relationally with them as a 4w5:

1) Assuming that everyone (namely, me) is “just like them”, because they desire and need that kindred spirit to feel safe and secure. This has not been in regards to Type, but everything from opinion on politics, to the way that I feel about winter, and in between.

• As an individual who has a large 4 component, the last thing I want is to be compared to anyone without legitimacy. I have come to a point in health where I can gladly appreciate and receive authentic comparisons between myself and others. If someone also loves art, or learned German in High School too, I can appreciate and find joy in that. I will not however observe or go along with comparisons that have no actual basis.
• When this occurs, it makes me feel like the 6 in question has no actual desire to know me-- just to paint me like themselves for the sake of their own security. More than any other type, 6’s generally have become angry at me for not agreeing with them or aligning myself with their values (as if everyone must). This is one of the largest disconnects between 4 and 6, individualism vs. communal existence.

2) “Witch Hunting” and putting me on trial, or to the question out of mistrust or skepticism that I did nothing to invite.

• This behavior makes me clam up entirely because it makes me feel disrespected and speaks of self righteousness on the part of the questioner. Any attempt I’ve made (many) to weather this scrutiny ends with me feeling totally drained and unheard. If this is done at the hands of a 6 I don't know or care about, I am quick to deny them the right to question me at all.
• I realize this is out of insecurity and fear on the part of the 6, but it’s not the appropriate way to communicate and work through those feelings that are coming from within (not from the other person). As a 4w5, I find the best way for a 6 to sort out their feelings of fear or insecurity with me is to tell me about them. Be direct, even if it's literally, "I am afraid you are lying to me.", or "I feel like you don't really want to be my friend." Both of those statements are kind of ludicrous to say to a 4 at all (we only pursue things/people we really like, and are usually overly honest even to a hurtful extent) but if it helps the 6, so be it.

 

[Evo]

[MENTION=17697]small.wonder[/MENTION]

I sadly relate to the 6w7's characteristics you have mentioned. I almost always need to be reminded that others don't think like me. And I unconsciously scan for danger, even with my friends.

I don't know if you would like any suggestions, or even if they'd work, but I know the more feedback on where i stand with someone the better. Even if we've be friends for a long time.

If someone were to openly remind me "hey, we have a good thing going here between us," I think it would help me lighten up. It sounds stupid, but we just don't know otherwise.

Also overreacting is almost like another way of getting feedback. If you don't overreact to my overreaction, I somehow feel like I can trust you more.

I dont know if that's of any help, but I am sorry you've had so much trouble.

 

[small.wonder]

Hey [MENTION=14015]Urarienev[/MENTION], thanks for responding!

I've since resolved the blow-up-walk-out scenario mentioned above by realizing (somewhat painfully) that it wasn't what I was saying to her, it was my tone. That's one of those things in my life that I've been convicted about many times and I'm sure I will always have to watch closely. I'm actually glad in hindsight to be made aware of it again, as it's been some years since I had an incident where it got out of control. I've realized recently that it's a trait I have unfortunately inherited from my 8w7 Father, and I suppose could be attributed to the 8 in my tritype. That of course in no way excuses it, I've since apologized and let my 6w7 friend (among others) know that I'm aware and working on it.

That said, the above numbered traits do still cause issues. To your point: I can overreact with the best of them, but only if I feel wronged, offended or slighted. In the face of someone else's explosion, my more healthy self usually remains pretty calm (if confused at times). As far as reassurance, I do think that is an important step with 6 and will observe that moving forward.

Thanks for your insight!

 

[Evo]

[MENTION=17697]small.wonder[/MENTION] No problem!

With reference to the overreacting on a 6's part...At that point, I don't think we know what we are saying. It's just a way to blow off steam. And we expect others to just know that and listen and then forget it. (And we expect that because we think you think the same way we do )

So a practical solution could be for the 6w7 to get better at notifying you that they're about to blow off steam, and that their words hold no value at that point. And on the other side of things, you in turn would learn how to decipher these moments. I would try not to take any overreaction of a 6w7's personally though lol if you can help it. I say that because we are one of the most extreme that project lol.

Hope that helps