Social Self, Intimate Self, and Inner Self

[Little_Sticks]

So I had to sit through a lecture and the speaker briefly mentioned the idea that people have three ...basic selves - one that you present to others, one that you only show to those you are intimate with, and your true self that represents your nature. The idea was that when we meet people, we see what they show to others and not necessarily what they are underneath all that. Then to know them more, you'd have to get to know them more on an intimate level and you'd see how they are when intimate with people; and then to really know them, you'd have to put time into being with them to see their inner or true self when all the facades are removed.

Anyway, I don't remember the author of the idea and can't find it anywhere, but it's simple and open-ended enough that it made me really think about it in relation to some people I know. I'd like to hear what other people think about it as well and maybe other people do as well.

 

[á´…eparted]

In my experience, these three selves aren't that different from one another in each person. The biggest thing is that more is withheld when around others, they don't really shift much from there core, just a bit of covering. People don't really pretend to be someone else all that much around others, even if they think so.

 

[Destiny]

So I had to sit through a lecture and the speaker briefly mentioned the idea that people have three ...basic selves - one that you present to others, one that you only show to those you are intimate with, and your true self that represents your nature. The idea was that when we meet people, we see what they show to others and not necessarily what they are underneath all that. Then to know them more, you'd have to get to know them more on an intimate level and you'd see how they are when intimate with people; and then to really know them, you'd have to put time into being with them to see their inner or true self when all the facades are removed.

Anyway, I don't remember the author of the idea and can't find it anywhere, but it's simple and open-ended enough that it made me really think about it in relation to some people I know. I'd like to hear what other people think about it as well and maybe other people do as well.

I agree with this. We often think that we know someone, but we are only seeing their public mask most of the time. Most people tend to have 3 different sides to them.
When they are around their acquaintances and people whom they don't know well, they will often times put forward their best face. Then when they are around their loved ones and people they trust, they will let down their guard slightly and start revealing a bit of their themselves, but at the same time, they will still hold back part of themselves because they are afraid to be judged by their loved ones. And when they are alone by themselves, this is when they finally feel completely comfortable to be their true selves.

I actually read up a bit about the biography of Gary Ridgway, his wife's perception of him is he is a gentleman, a nice guy, but never did she expect that her husband is a serial killer. Oh looks can be so deceiving at times. We often think we know someone well, but how well do we truly know them? People are so good at masking themselves. We can stay in the same house with someone for years yet we know nothing about them.

Moral of the story: Never judge a book by its cover. Too many people often get deceived by the cover of a book. But never did they expect that the cover on the outside of the book isn't exactly like what is inside the book. Most people have layers to them, and it's impossible for someone to know another person completely. We can know someone our entire lifetime, but this doesn't mean we know the real them. There is a high chance that we are only seeing their public mask and not their true selves.

 

[hjgbujhghg]

In my opinion all these 3 personalities can be explained by more relevant psychology theory from Sigmund Freud. I think it's highly inaccurate to differ personality based on the external action and behavior, because the psyche is always influenced by more than just basic human's ego. When we act in a social situation our super-ego is more active regulating the basic ego in order to help the ego handle the needs of the environment. Then when you're more intimate with people your super-ego is more repressed and you feel less need for regulating your true core and your ego can be more easily expressed. The same about being alone. The basis are ego vs. super-ego activation/repression.

 

[Lark]

I've read lots of different versions of this, there's even sociological explanations of it too in microsociology or earlier in Erving Goffman, one of my favourite theorists, who studied asylums, stigma and the presentation of the self in everyday life, there was a brank of pscyho-analysis, I think it was called ego psychology but I could be mistaken, which talked about the true self and the social self or facade, considering the dynamic conflict between each to be the source of mental suffering and striving as opposed to Freud's ego, id and superego, though it was not necessarily a case of the "phony self for others" as it mattered just as much to the whoever had constructed it, importing aspirations, ambitions, hopes and dreams which with the passage of time may be less and less realistic or feasible or attainable.

It interests me that there's this tripartite idea of the self or personality which keeps arising in humankind, Freud is a big proponent of it, Jung went beyond it with the archetypes into dozens or more facets of a single self, although it had premodern precursors, Erasmus talks about a tripartite self, a spirit, a body, a soul, there are others who he read in turn and right back to the more mystical sides of the abrahamic religions with their own versions of God, Holy Spirit and Christ (or equivalents, I'm not up on Sufism, Kabbalah, hasidism etc.). However, not to get side tracked.

I think that often there is more consistency that people realise, perhaps during particular phases of your life you may spend more time thinking about what you project and what others perceive you as being, such as adolescence or at times when social currency matters a lot, I think it has contexts later in life too, for instance work, if a lot of people in a particular workplace are like that and it becomes the governing work culture (which I dont necessarily believe it should but it objectively does).

However, that said, my own view is that you may not be acquainted with a facade when you meet someone to begin with and then discover the "real them" with the passage of time but rather what happens is you may experience a growing attachment and with that a willingness to comprehend them in greater depth, with more insight about a person what at first appeared superficial or incomprehensible or paradoxical about them makes more sense the more you know, I dont believe that is necessarily the same as facades or false selves versus the real them.

Personally too, I would add that I do believe in the individual and social conscious/unconscious divide, a lot of people are unawares of how they act, are perceived etc. or their self-perceptions are wildly inaccurate or coloured in some way, I think the totally unconscious and unaware individual is a torture for a lot of those who have to have regular contact with them, they are generally stressed themselves and good at stressing everyone else out too. Erich Fromm wrote towards the end of his life about how he felt very concerned by how many people he felt had not depth of character or seemingly no character what so ever, he said this wasnt an ethical comment, he didnt not mean they were dishonest, he meant that they seemed to lack a self and were just marketing themselves however they could, conforming even when they thought themselves non-conformist etc. I think that's an interesting thing, especially since he did not live in our present age of distraction, misdirection and confusion which I think has only compounded things.

Although that said there people who try to manage their relations with others through deceit, who are vindictive, who do have more faces than a town clock. In the main those are pretty damaged individuals who have learned and continue to apply some pretty abnormal explanatory styles and relating patterns, usually when you get down to it they've got terrible underlying feelings of being inferior and all sorts of narcissistic defences deployed to the hilt. It'd be easier for most normal people who've found them out if those same individuals didnt appear to as successful as they do in life but as the saying goes "long runs the fox, though its still vermin".