[NF] Severely Shy, Overly Body Conscious

[Domino]

For someone like me who can be utterly oblivious to the outer world/immediate surroundings and frequently lost up in my head, I find that I'm sometimes almost paralyzingly body conscious.

Let me give an example.

Ladies, the dreaded Pap Smear. I had one scheduled for today and I had to reschedule it due to sudden circumstances, but I noticed the week before the test that I was silently freaking out. And I don't mean just a little bit. Exposure on that level causes me to almost go into a panic attack. My ENFP twin doesn't have this problem. She minds the physical discomfort of the test. I mind the intrusion.

I had no idea I would be so upset and panicked by the idea of such a routine annoyance. I've always been very uptight about how I look. I've suffered a great deal of persecution for things I can't change or help. I fully trust another woman doing something like a Pap Smear, but I still can't shake the paralyzing fear. Like I have to be perfect or I can't have anybody that close to me. That sort of proximity to me, and I'm literally quivering and fighting the powerful urge to run away.

I can't have this sort of severe overawareness preventing me from doing what needs to be done. I usually don't let it stop me, but I'm concerned by my reaction. When I was a teenager, I would put off these tests because the very idea of taking my clothes off and being poked at by a relative stranger would leave me shaking and filled with panic, almost to the point of tears. I have a history of sexual abuse/rape that has deeply maimed my psyche.

 

[Zoom]

So you have had them before and the sensation still bothers you to the same extent?

Have you ever experienced positive physicality with a SO or good friend - not even sex necessarily, just positive reinforcement from someone whose opinion mattered?

I edited out personal accounts involving myself because I don't know if they'll help at all.

 

[Ivy]

I don't have a history of abuse but I used to feel similarly before the shame-killing and body-affirming experience of giving birth- but I still feel that way to a certain extent. I've found getting my gynecological care from midwives instead of OB-GYNs (even the female OB-GYNs I've seen have been pretty clinical) helps somewhat, but it doesn't alleviate all of the anxiety. I'm just never going to be comfortable in stirrups with my lower half exposed. But at least the midwives make an effort to get to know me and treat me like a human and a woman instead of like a patient.

 

[Domino]

So you have had them before and the sensation still bothers you to the same extent?

Yes. I still go into low-level panic no matter what.

Have you ever experienced positive physicality with a SO or good friend - not even sex necessarily, just positive reinforcement from someone whose opinion mattered?

No. Not with a man, I haven't. I have a history that reads really badly. I have girlfriends (even my twin sister) that I try to emulate, like my ENTJ best friend who isn't afraid of anything of a physical nature, or my ESFP best friend who's merely just "Dude, I hate this..." and is also not intimidated. Even my twin shrugs it off and I've taken a lot of cues and patterned myself after her generally fearless Ne nature, but in crunch time, I still feel tears coming on and the same panic I used to feel. I remember a really nice female doctor of mine years ago having to PRY my legs apart. She was very patient.

I edited out personal accounts involving myself because I don't know if they'll help at all, even though certain parts of what ye speak of sound remarkably similar to what I have experienced.

I suspect that I'm not alone. I found myself truly surprised to be dealing with this mess again. I thought I'd moved past it.

 

[Domino]

Sorry to hear that, Domino. I can relate, somewhat, I'm not going to go into details but situations like these almost feel like violation.

Thank you, dear Sky.

I don't have a history of abuse but I used to feel similarly before the shame-killing and body-affirming experience of giving birth- but I still feel that way to a certain extent.

Ok, you'd just made me laugh there. You're a bad person. lol

I've found getting my gynecological care from midwives instead of OB-GYNs (even the female OB-GYNs I've seen have been pretty clinical) helps somewhat, but it doesn't alleviate all of the anxiety. I'm just never going to be comfortable in stirrups with my lower half exposed. But at least the midwives make an effort to get to know me and treat me like a human and a woman instead of like a patient.

I never considered using a midwife. My ESFP bff Shorty uses one. And it makes a difference?

 

[Little Linguist]

YES, I freak out even if it's a woman doing it, but I think the difference is I keep the worry to myself and freak out on the inside. I also freak out, "What if they find something? Oh, no, they cannot find anything! I'm healthy!" And then, "What will happen???" See, it was my first time getting one, and I didn't know what to expect.

My doctor was really lovely, though. Whew. I wore a really long skirt down to my ankles, and I think she could tell I was nervous as hell even though I didn't say anything. So she told me to lie down, and told me I could keep my skirt on, just take the undies off, and she didn't look intrusively, so I relaxed!!! And I hardly felt anything...

However, ever since I came to Germany, I've been putting it off. I wonder if doctors here would be so understanding, and so I'm not doing what I should be doing, which is bad. I mean being a loyal woman who's married, I have a low risk for anything, but still you hear all the time about perfectly healthy women getting cancer.

I hope I find a kind, compassionate doctor like that who I can trust.

Domino, I'm so sorry about everything, but if it helps, here:

 

[Ivy]

IMO, it makes a HUGE difference. I love midwives. It's just a completely different philosophy of care. A lot of people think they only do maternal care but they also do well-woman. It's a great option whether you've had babies or not, or plan to have babies or not. For maternal care they typically only see low-risk patients, but if you don't need a specialist for anything out of the ordinary gynecologically, I don't think your other health concerns would rule it out unless they affect your GYN experience specifically.

 

[Ivy]

LL, I hear things like home birth and midwifery are very mainstream in Germany. I suspect you will be able to find someone who can provide personal, comfortable care to you there.

 

[Domino]

LL, I know! It's like this major freak out that I can't rationalize away. "Be a big girl". "There's nothing to worry about." "Nobody's judging you." "You're getting worked up over a minor annoyance." Even the receptionist at the doctors' office who scheduled the appt. was like "Oh MAN, I know, I put that test off as long as I can. I hate it" (and then she told me a funny story about tricking her college-bound son into a compulsory prostate exam).

It's not just an "Oh, man..." moment for me though. I don't mind the discomfort (even though once I was literally climbing up the table in pain). It's the naked thing. I still can't believe I'm having so much trouble with that.

 

[Lady_X]

For someone like me who can be utterly oblivious to the outer world/immediate surroundings and frequently lost up in my head, I find that I'm sometimes almost paralyzingly body conscious.

Let me give an example.

Ladies, the dreaded Pap Smear. I had one scheduled for today and I had to reschedule it due to sudden circumstances, but I noticed the week before the test that I was silently freaking out. And I don't mean just a little bit. Exposure on that level causes me to almost go into a panic attack. My ENFP twin doesn't have this problem. She minds the physical discomfort of the test. I mind the intrusion.

I had no idea I would be so upset and panicked by the idea of such a routine annoyance. I've always been very uptight about how I look. I've suffered a great deal of persecution for things I can't change or help. I fully trust another woman doing something like a Pap Smear, but I still can't shake the paralyzing fear. Like I have to be perfect or I can't have anybody that close to me. That sort of proximity to me, and I'm literally quivering and fighting the powerful urge to run away.

I can't have this sort of severe overawareness preventing me from doing what needs to be done. I usually don't let it stop me, but I'm concerned by my reaction. When I was a teenager, I would put off these tests because the very idea of taking my clothes off and being poked at by a relative stranger would leave me shaking and filled with panic, almost to the point of tears. I have a history of sexual abuse/rape that has deeply maimed my psyche.

i can't stand it either. they have to tell me repeatedly to relax because as you know...nothings getting in when you're all tensed up! haha yeah...i hate it...it's way intrusive and i don't have any history that would make it be hard for me. it just is.

i should add tho...that i do just take a deep breath and deal with it....because you have to...and i try to be a "big girl" about it but i still feel like....mommy...why are they making me do this...and...all upset and confused about it like a child...it's weird....that's more dramatic perhaps than necessary...just speaking of that internalized feeling about it.

 

[disregard]

Perhaps because you were a sexual object to someone in the past, you have trouble differentiating between the nakedness necessary to the sexual acts that were forced upon you and nonsexual nakedness.

My advice would be to practice experiencing nonsexual nakedness via massage, brazilian waxing, being in a swimsuit, etc to regain a sense of comfort and empowerment in your own skin.

I have an uneasiness with showing skin too, and the aforementioned actions have helped me (although, I clearly am not that afraid ).

 

[Little Linguist]

LL, I hear things like home birth and midwifery are very mainstream in Germany. I suspect you will be able to find someone who can provide personal, comfortable care to you there.

Whewwwww....that is wonderful news!!!!! Perhaps that'd be a good way to go. I know doctors make an awful lot more house calls here than in the States.

 

[Usehername]

MBTological analysis:

Fe is failing you in this particular situation--hyperawareness of others, in a distressing way.

Could you declothe yourself literally, and then clothe yourself with a forcefield of Fi? You know, meadows, puppies, blissful awareness of self and "accidental" ignorance of others? Sometimes faking comfortable-at-home-ness with a situation that puts you in distress will lower your stress levels. That's why they recommend smiling at people that intimidate you, giving off an air of confidence when public speaking or teaching a class that makes you nervous, etc.

Also, while you know yourself best, positive psychologists will tell you that suppression (not repression, but suppression) is healthy, because our Hypothalamic Pituitary Adrenal Cortex axis (HPA axis) cannot differentiate between imagined fear and genuine threat. If you're thinking about it, it's bets to distract yourself and occupy your mind.
Thinking about it before you can actually do anything to mitigate your response is only going to trigger the release of cortisol. So you'll have a week's worth of cortisol-drugged organs and feel very wound up, rather than a singular instance of cortisol-drugged body. Over time that adaptive response (cortisol tells us to get the eff out) becomes maladaptive. Regular cortisol release will decrease your resilience and use up some of your finite resources, which should be used for more productive things!

You can easily replenish your resilience by "undoing effects" like petting a kitten or smiling at someone or laughing or writing down 3 good things that happened during the day. (They don't need to be significant. "Awesome! There was a prize in my cereal box!" Check one.)

I just wrote my psychoneuroimmunology exam a few hours ago. It seems I'm rewriting it again.

 

[Little Linguist]

Perhaps because you were a sexual object to someone in the past, you have trouble differentiating between the nakedness necessary to the sexual acts that were forced upon you and nonsexual nakedness.

My advice would be to practice experiencing nonsexual nakedness via massage, brazilian waxing, being in a swimsuit, etc to regain a sense of comfort and empowerment in your own skin.

I have an uneasiness with showing skin too, and the aforementioned actions have helped me (although, I clearly am not that afraid ).

OMG YES Disregard, so true. You know how I got over being PAINFULLY SHY about showing my body even to members of my own family (even us women)? Ironically, I started going to the sauna. The first time I was so nervous that my heart was in my throat. Nowadays, about 6 years later, I don't care!!!!!!!! YAYZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!! Also having a loving man who thinks I'm beautiful also helps!!!

 

[Little Linguist]

MBTological analysis:

Fe is failing you in this particular situation--hyperawareness of others, in a distressing way.

Could you declothe yourself literally, and then clothe yourself with a forcefield of Fi? You know, meadows, puppies, blissful awareness of self and "accidental" ignorance of others? Sometimes faking comfortable-at-home-ness with a situation that puts you in distress will lower your stress levels. That's why they recommend smiling at people that intimidate you, giving off an air of confidence when public speaking, etc.

Yup yup. Go somewhere else in your mind. After a while of doing that, you don't even mind anymore.

BY THE WAY, Domino, I hope you start loving yourself because you are such a beautiful woman!!! I mean, I know what you mean....it's how you feel, not how you look. But still, had to say that.

I wish I looked like you!

 

[Ivy]

I just joined a gym and I'm working on not being totally uptight about being nakey in the locker room. Yesterday I had an extended daydream in the shower about finally being brave enough to walk naked from the shower to where I accidentally left my towel. In the daydream a mother walks by with a couple of kids and scolds me for scandalizing her offspring with my nakeyness. I burst into tears dramatically and tell her being naked was an assignment from my therapist to treat my crippling negative body image. She lives with overwhelming guilt for the rest of her life.

 

[Little Linguist]

I just joined a gym and I'm working on not being totally uptight about being nakey in the locker room. Yesterday I had an extended daydream in the shower about finally being brave enough to walk naked from the shower to where I accidentally left my towel. In the daydream a mother walks by with a couple of kids and scolds me for scandalizing her offspring with my nakeyness. I burst into tears dramatically and tell her being naked was an assignment from my therapist to treat my crippling negative body image. She lives with overwhelming guilt for the rest of her life.

AWESOME!!!!! You are great, Ivy.

 

[Zoom]

LL, I know! It's like this major freak out that I can't rationalize away. "Be a big girl". "There's nothing to worry about." "Nobody's judging you." "You're getting worked up over a minor annoyance." Even the receptionist at the doctors' office who scheduled the appt. was like "Oh MAN, I know, I put that test off as long as I can. I hate it" (and then she told me a funny story about tricking her college-bound son into a compulsory prostate exam).

It's the naked thing. I still can't believe I'm having so much trouble with that.

I had muy big problems with the nakedness bit until I was actually naked in front of someone who cared about me. Honestly, until I had sex for the first time I was not okay with being naked, semi-nude, or showing skin of any kind, even when I was in good shape. I always thought I was too big, or muscular, had the inherent feeling of not being appealing to anyone physically, or being judged (by men and women!) by those who saw me, any part of me.

So perhaps, finding a female OBGYN or midwife to do the exam and developing a rapport with her over the course of more than one session could help? (If that is feasible time and money wise for the exams you need.) Or (as disregard suggests) find a regular, laid-back situation in which to disrobe - I found out that my gym's locker room is a good example - most women being so self-conscious, when really no one cares. The sauna, swimming with friends at the river, or start alone and work up to it?

P.S.

 

[Sniffles]

LL, I know! It's like this major freak out that I can't rationalize away. "Be a big girl". "There's nothing to worry about." "Nobody's judging you." "You're getting worked up over a minor annoyance." Even the receptionist at the doctors' office who scheduled the appt. was like "Oh MAN, I know, I put that test off as long as I can. I hate it" (and then she told me a funny story about tricking her college-bound son into a compulsory prostate exam).

It's not just an "Oh, man..." moment for me though. I don't mind the discomfort (even though once I was literally climbing up the table in pain). It's the naked thing. I still can't believe I'm having so much trouble with that.

FWIW, I can relate very much - and I'm a guy.

 

[sculpting]

No. Not with a man, I haven't. I have a history that reads really badly. I have girlfriends (even my twin sister) that I try to emulate, like my ENTJ best friend who isn't afraid of anything of a physical nature, or my ESFP best friend who's merely just "Dude, I hate this..." and is also not intimidated. Even my twin shrugs it off and I've taken a lot of cues and patterned myself after her generally fearless Ne nature, but in crunch time, I still feel tears coming on and the same panic I used to feel. I remember a really nice female doctor of mine years ago having to PRY my legs apart. She was very patient.

I suspect that I'm not alone. I found myself truly surprised to be dealing with this mess again. I thought I'd moved past it.

So a few real practical suggestions (Your story makes me hurt for you which puts me in Te ass kicking/problem solving mode as I want to take care of you):

1) Have your sister go in with you and hold your hand, fuck what the drs think, she loves you and can help comfort you. Maybe practice having her sit with you and doing some meditation-some calming series of thoughts to step you into a more relaxed state? Then repeat during the visit?

2) Ask for a mild sedative-explain you have a history of abuse and that you feel extreme anxiety. They should be able to give you valium or something similar to take before the visit.

3) See a Nurse Practitioner or midwife over an MD. Even a DO will be better than an MD. See a family practitioner or General Practitioner over a OB/Gyn. The very best care I have received was from Nurse practitioners. If I ever have another baby it will be with a midwife-not an OB/Gyn. If you can find the midwife or NP, explain your fear before the visit. They will be far more understanding than an MD.

4) Do you need pap smears every year? Take a look at this-you may be able to skip several years between exams depending upon your sexual history, age, and history of clear exams.

As for your fear:

You are not any other person but you so dont feel you have to be like other people. It's okay to be afraid even if other people are not. You are individual and having a difficult history carries many burdens. Whatever you feel is perfectly okay and I wish I could hug you and hold your hand because I sense how much this stresses you out. I dont know what your body looks like but your soul is very beautiful. That's what is most important.