People with alzheimer's or dementia do you mourn their death before they die?

[prplchknz]

I do, because they're already gone. I'm not saying you should abandon them but once they've reached a certain point in their illness they might as well be dead, they're no longer the person you've once known. Sure they're core personality is still there but I'd rather if in their situation die then live in total confusion. Perhaps this makes me a monster.

I've had a grandma who Alzheimer's. and when she passed i was actually relieved and listened to this song on repeat.

when she passed. I was still sad, but at the same time she was bedridden on a pureed diet and her quality of life was so far down and had no clue who anyone was.

does this make me a monster?

so what do you think, is it ok to mourn someone's death before they pass?
if you have do you find it lessens the impact once they actually die?

 

[ceecee]

No you're not a monster. My grandmother died at 94 two years ago. In the last 5 years of her life, she had 3 strokes. Everything was impacted from her speech to bowel control and the last 6 months were in a nursing home. She wanted to die so badly, it was the one thing she could ask for that I could understand and I would have complied happily if I wouldn't get prison time. And this was a staunchly Catholic person so it just made me despise the church and anti-choice people more than I already did. She was entirely aware of what happened to her and how she was locked in this non-functioning body with no hope of improvement for the duration. How fucking evil and cruel is that?

I mourned her death years before she actually died and when she did die it was a relief. I was with her, she knew it was coming and looked at me like - finally. But people do judge when you don't treat every death as a sudden unexpected thing. I shed those tears long before - I didn't owe them or anyone else an explanation and neither do you.

 

[Stigmata]

Both of you nailed the essence of what my thoughts are on the matter.

Whether or not you know it, once they've started to really mentally deteriorate, even while still alive, you begin recall and remembering them as they were as opposed to who they are at that moment.

When they do pass, whe it's still saddening, there's an underlying sense of relief in knowing that they aren't forced to endure the suffering and pain anymore, not to mention the shame some people feel by seeing themselves as a burden upon their loved ones.

 

[Population: 1]

A monster? Not at all.

I have a friend that I haven’t seen in a while and his grandparents were the best people. Solid, honest and down to earth- just good people. They were married for fifty years or so. Anyway, the wife started to exhibit the classic signs of Alzheimer’s, and over the course of a few years she did die- a little at a time and her husband stood by her and loved her dearly and watched helplessly. She died before she died. When she did finally die physically, he died about a half hour later. A bond of that length and intensity links two people in such a way that they really do become one on many levels. He died twice as well.

It’s seems natural to me to see that kind of progression as a death before the biological end comes. It’s heartbreaking to watch a person be robbed of their identity. I think anyone with a shred of compassion is going to be relieved when a loved one is finally releaseid from such a cruel fate.

As someone that has watched a loved one die in an agonizingly slow way, I’ll say that there’s still a tremendous void creating loss at the end, but there’s also a sense of great relief in knowing that they aren’t suffering in a private hell anymore.

 

[Yuurei]

A monster? Not at all.

I have a friend that I haven’t seen in a while and his grandparents were the best people. Solid, honest and down to earth- just good people. They were married for fifty years or so. Anyway, the wife started to exhibit the classic signs of Alzheimer’s, and over the course of a few years she did die- a little at a time and her husband stood by her and loved her dearly and watched helplessly. She died before she died. When she did finally die physically, he died about a half hour later. A bond of that length and intensity links two people in such a way that they really do become one on many levels. He died twice as well.

It’s seems natural to me to see that kind of progression as a death before the biological end comes. It’s heartbreaking to watch a person be robbed of their identity. I think anyone with a shred of compassion is going to be relieved when a loved one is finally releaseid from such a cruel fate.

As someone that has watched a loved one die in an agonizingly slow way, I’ll say that there’s still a tremendous void creating loss at the end, but there’s also a sense of great relief in knowing that they aren’t suffering in a private hell anymore.

The same thing happened to my great Grandparents as well my best friend's parents. It's a fascinating study; the reality of death of " a broken heart" I'm curious what the physical reality is.

 

[Population: 1]

The same thing happened to my great Grandparents as well my best friend's parents. It's a fascinating study; the reality of death of " a broken heart" I'm curious what the physical reality is.

I’m under the impression it’s a symbiotic relationship on a physiological level. People that bond physically and emotionally produce chemicals unique to that pairing supposedly. When that system is shattered it must have devastating consequences considering the two beneficiaries of it are already suffering the effects of aging. I think it must overwhelm their already frail health.

 

[Coriolis]

One of my oldest friends is in this situation now. She has been like an aunt to me since I was quite young. She has alzheimers, is now in hospice, and I expect to hear of her death any day now. We haven't lived closeby for several years now, but I was able to visit her one last time around Thanskgiving. It was very surreal. Our conversations shifted between reality, fantasy, and mixtures thereof quite freely. I was glad to see she seemed to be in no discomfort or distress at least.

 

[Snow as White]

definitely not a monster.

my grandma is dying right now. she's 99. she's had dementia and alzheimers for about 7-8 years now. i will be relieved when she passes here, hopefully soon, because i know she never wanted to be like this. no one wants to be like this.

i think everyone should mourn at their pace without judgement. and i think it's important to remember those better times and keep them at the forefront and forget how they forget you.

edit: i hate seeing her like this and avoid going to visit every chance i can. i don't want to have too much memory of how she is like this to eat away at what i treasure more. my dad wants me to fly back for her funeral when it happens but even that i dont want to do. for me... well... she died years ago. this shell that ghosts through life looking like her isn't her.

 

[Kanra Jest]

No. My grandmother died on her death bed and I didn't shed a tear(she raised me because my mom passed away when I was 3). If you're a monster I must really be one.

If they are suffering I don't believe it is ethically right for them to remain suffering forever like that ... sometimes death would indeed be a relief. Sad but true reality. And well, it eventually does come.