Once more?

[Vergil]

xxxx March 2013 xxxx
​

Much has happened over the past five, or, six months. I have gone from believing that I could be a self-pitying E4, to an anxiety-stricken E6, to an obsessive-compulsive control freak E1. I have also gone from despising myself for lack of self-control and for being immoral, to feeling more open, more free in matters I would normally consider too damning. But the most prominent 'change' in my life was that I found friends, ones I could connect with despite the gaps in geography and lifestyles, all thanks to Skype and language. It is because of these friends that I learned the meaning of words that I would previously throw around most casually.

And with that opening positive remark, I will devote myself to what I was meaning to do. This blog is an outlet, a sewer of sorts for all the ugliness and that pervasive negativity within me, and right now, I need to purge some of it for the sake of my well-being.

For the past few days, I have been battling this pull from a sinkhole of resentment and hopelessness. I feel tempted to unlearn everything my friends have taught me. I feel the weight of injustice threatening to break my resolve to remain optimistic. I feel cheated, deceived and betrayed. By life.

Going back to my last post in October, I remember what I felt. I remember how thought that I was not meant to feel emotion. Like any feelings I had were the bane of my existence. Because at the end of every episode of feeling, I couldn't think of myself as anything but a clay statue - one that was melting away with the tears it shed, causing the clay and paint to disintegrate into a puddle of meaninglessness. Miserable. But, in the past few months, my precious friends both IRL and online made me consider the possibility that I may have been wrong. That perhaps it wasn't my feelings, but my thoughts that were the problem. Having typed at E1 finally, much of what my friends had told me rang true. It was not my feelings that were the problem. It was, instead, my thoughts. And, just like that, I felt...uplifted from the darkest depths of despair to beautiful field lush with hope and love. I began to believe that maybe I, too, can have that which all others seem to enjoy.

Days went by and slowly I realized a multitude of good qualities in me. I began seeing myself as more of a person rather than just a complex organism composed of hydrocarbons. But history is repeating itself again and I find myself having the same thought that I had about 3 years ago. Situations have changed from bad to better to worse. How? Why?

Is there is no end to my torment?