Right now you need time to sort through all of the varying perspectives that you are feeling throughout the course of each day.
I agree with this exactly. It seems to be a problem with me that I have a natural urge to find one solution or perspective that fits perfectly. Like a pattern that fits so well that I can base my actions and decisions off of it with security. However, being so empathetic and intuitive I can come up with multiple patterns that fit. None of them are perfect because I am aware of how they exclude the others. It creates a lot of conflict in me. Usually it isn't this severe, and talking sort of naturally guides me to one perspective (sort of like revealing my Fi). But this has been going on for about 2 yrs. and I haven't been able to talk enough to process it. Because he is insecure and it has isolated me a lot (for example he never liked me talking 'about' him to anyone else) but I could never resolve anything talking to him.
One of the markers of a healthy relationship is when both people have learned self-care. By that I mean having a margin of time, money, emotional energy, support so that you are not always operating from a deficit. It is taking care of your own needs appropriately so that you have something left to give to someone else. When you have the margin you need, you are not choosing out of a place of desperation or longing or need. You may even have margin yourself, but if the person you are with does not, your resources will soon be completely depleted and neither of you have what they need to survive. Self-care means that you don't stay in a situation that is dangerous to you.
I'm still pretty convinced I had little to no 'baggage' before this began. I had an uncomfortable relationship with my parents but went through a lot which really seemed to settle that out. I was very capable of caring for myself and being appropriately guarded when we met. I'm pretty sure I became more vulnerable, in part, because I thought that would make him do the same but it very much back fired. Once I opened myself too much for him to reciprocate, my xNxJ started making me crazy with it. I'm definitely dealing with compoundong grief because I've lost a lot of the friendship (my part of it), romance and support (what I did get of it) AND I feel replaced by these new friends of his AND these past two yrs have isolated me in a way that makes me feel like I don't or shouldn't have the space and resources to get the support I need. I've had severe anxiety and physical manifestations of stress like twitching and startling at just about anything.
I do the same. Sometimes I wonder if I'm insane or something because I can't EVER make up my mind. First I feel like I should try to be on good terms, then it feels like that is impossible and I end up needing to lash out (something along the lines of "Forget it, I don't need you"), putting us on even worse terms.
Yes. This is exactly the conflict I'm talking about. Though I stopped lashing out at him a long while ago. Now I just keep most of the reactions internal and just behave in one way or another. I don't have much anger but I do get very coldly logical and decide that it's hopeless. This causes me to either shut off and withdraw from him. Then when I'm feeling better I find myself thinking optimistically and trying to show him friendliness and support. Then back again... these shifts must be noticeable so it probably seems like I'm lashing out in some way.
I don't know if you are as direct as I am with your ex or if you mainly keep your feelings inside, but I definitely can relate to the bit on withdrawing. First I want to get closer, then I want to withdraw. It's completely dreadful and makes me feel terrible about myself.
Being too direct (or at least being open about how I felt as often as I wanted to) is not even an option. He can't even handle the intensity of my happiness, optimism or affection when it comes out. Everything was suppressed to a point, making it more difficult to reveal anything when it DID need to come out without being too overwhelming for him. So I understand completely what you mean when you say it made you feel terrible about yourself.
To most of what you have said, it sounds like you are having better luck than me. Mine no longer has any emotional attachment to me...I have finally completely driven him away.
I do think of this and it helps I suppose. I do love him very much but I'm very emotionally wrecked and it's difficult to feel anything positive right now. Also, I don't feel that he has much emotional attachment to me. I barely did when we were together. I feel like it is just reality that he can keep his feelings at bay and almost nonexistent for self preservation. I feel like he has a very direct ability to love me and think of me as important without actually having any attachment at all. I know it sounds cynical, but he gets something out of being nice to me or loving me, but his connection to me is very self centered in a conscious way. So most of the time his gestures or considerations happen when it's obvious that doing them will get him some desired outcome. I don't know how much he thinks about it so I can't say he isn't sincere, but it is difficult to accept that I have a real connection with someone who never really focuses on my wellbeing, or my happiness, or even my features (he NEVER talks about me, he never has unless I've directed the conversation that way). At least when I'm dealing with so much insecurity from how this relationship evolved. I do understand that if he wasn't talking to me at all I would want what I have now.
I feel like I'm looking at my mirror reflection.
These exact same thoughts have gone through my head countless times. Every night I go to bed with the mindset that I am in charge of my life and my happiness and that he was not right for me, and the next morning I wake up feeling sick to my stomach (literally MORNING SICKNESS) about how much I miss him and how I could have done so much better.
This happens in intervals but pretty consistently. If I go to bed feeling bad I usually wake up worse, but if I go to bed feeling positive I still rarely wake up feeling okay. I can't wait for this to change. I have been doing okay these past two nights, but before that I've had insomnia for about a month and a half (since he came back).
My boyfriend did the same. He told me he "didn't know if we'd ever get back together." He "still loved me" but we just "weren't working." And guess what? He is now with someone else... Not kidding. He bounced back THAT fast. Now he's become rude and cold and tells me, "We are NOT getting back together."
He still says: "I am never going to be done with you because you will always be in my life. I don't know if I will be with you in the way you want again when I'm not like this.but I'm not going to leave you alone. And I'm not saying "I don't know" in a doubtful way. I just don't know at all."
He said this responding to me saying that I felt abandoned by the way he ended it. He also said that if I could think of anything he could do to make it easier for me or make me not feel like that, he would try it. I see this as genuine, but truth is there is little he can do. I want to feel good about myself again. How is someone who doesn't want me or even seem to like me supposed to help me with that? I think him saying things like that is about the best he can do. I don't think there is much hope of anything too close when I think about this. Because as long as he can just 'not know' whether he wants to be with me at the drop of a hat, I can't be comfortable with him. I also don't think he'll ever have the energy or motivation to treat me how he'd have to for me to believe he was finally committed. I just try not to think about all that because it hurts. It's also possible that he has 'hooked up' with one of his friends. I just can't think about that either. If I were you I'd avoid thinking about this new gf of his.
I hear an echo in this post. Haha. But only because I sincerely mean it. I understand what you're going through in a very, very up close and personal way.
I have to say the worst thing about this situation is dealing with my OWN intensity. Is it the same for you? These mood swings are unbearable sometimes. I get a bit of relief and then this terrible feeling just washes over me and it is impossible to will it away. I can try to self sooth, distract myself,etc., but it just goes when it goes. I can't control it. I'm fighting off tears in the middle of a wonderful vacation. I'm so anxious even when there is nothing happening. Things like that. And it's already been a month and a half with little change. It's scary.
. You scare yourself with how "cold and rational/unemotional" you appear to yourself. In retrospect, I always end up realizing that I was just being child-ish and seeing things only in black/white.
