[INFJ] NFJ Temperament Question

[Theory]

I relate to this all the way down to a cellular level. I've been called "fireball" repeatedly through-out my life and treated like one because when I feel an emotion of catastrophic proportion coming on me, I HAVE to get it out. NOW. My nature is to catalyze and I have to do it for myself as well. I usually only have problems when the overwhelming emotion is bad.

For example, if I see on the news that some child has been raped or murdered, or some old person has been beaten to death, I have to get away from it. If I can't get away, it jams into me. I liken my non-negotiable emotional reception to being a dog in a cage with a person jabbing you with a stick. You can't bite them, you can't run away. You're stuck in it and you have to shudder through the tidal wave until it passes. I experience the suffering of the violated person as if it were happening to me, and I just can't stand it sometimes (literally, I can physically crumble under the barrage). I haven't found a way to turn off the empathy or tone it down. I simply have to avoid triggers until I can find a better way of managing it.

When people call me "dramatic" it makes me feel even more marginalized and dismissed as an attention hound. If I wanted to get attention, I'd buy a push-up bra because I sure as heaven wouldn't chose THIS. It's a nightmare.

EXACTLY. That's what I was talking about, and it's the exact same problem I have. I know it's good to be empathetic to a certain degree, but I think the way we as ENFJs feel it is borderline insane. That's why I'm worried about my future career as a psychologist, because I've got to learn how to distance myself from others' experiences and feelings. Otherwise, I'll end up having a nervous breakdown.

 

[Domino]

EXACTLY. That's what I was talking about, and it's the exact same problem I have. I know it's good to be empathetic to a certain degree, but I think the way we as ENFJs feel it is borderline insane.

My tv tried to assassinate me today. It's been off for three days (I've been sick and need the quiet) so perhaps it was vengeful, but my sister wanted to watch the news. I said it was okay by me. She sat next to me on the couch eating her breakfast and I told her not to look up under any circumstance. I made a grab for the remote control to switch it to something banal, but it's too late. I have images of half-starved/already dead, naked, special needs Iraqi orphans BURNED INTO MY RETINAS. The Lord only knows when and where the effects of THAT will erupt out of me.

I really. REALLY. hate caring this much about people. I told my mother that it's like dying with them over and over and I can't stop it. Borderline insanity is a most apt description, Theory.

That's why I'm worried about my future career as a psychologist, because I've got to learn how to distance myself from others' experiences and feelings. Otherwise, I'll end up having a nervous breakdown.

Ah, here we see the ENFJ paradox -- instinctively driven to help/fuse/connect, but the least able to sustain that level of deep empathic connection without incurring damage. I don't know where I'd be without my support structure. Probably a lunatic. Psychology is an excellent field for you, yes, if you can find some method of removal from your subject. If you figure out a way, PLEASE don't hesitate to let me know. I'd like to try it.

 

[wolfmaiden14]

Ah, here we see the ENFJ paradox -- instinctively driven to help/fuse/connect, but the least able to sustain that level of deep empathic connection without incurring damage. I don't know where I'd be without my support structure. Probably a lunatic. Psychology is an excellent field for you, yes, if you can find some method of removal from your subject. If you figure out a way, PLEASE don't hesitate to let me know. I'd like to try it.

This is why it took me so very long to finally decide on being a psychologist. I had such a rough time knowing that it's required to keep a certain distance from your patient. I kept telling myself "..but the way I make people feel better is by sympathizing! By empathizing! By showing them they're not alone! By creating a real connection and being there for them!"

But I came to wholeheartedly accept it, because what I eventually realized (coming in the guise of "rescue" relationships) is how DANGEROUS and HURTFUL it can be..not to you, but to the other person! Sure, you can feel their pain, you might be able to use your talents to be able to see how to work a way out of it.. but it's ultimately their life. You can see through their eyes, but they probably don't have the talent to see through yours and understand why what you're saying is best.. IF it even is FOR THEM. Who are you really to say what's right for anyone but yourself, even if you can venture a guess using their data that's probably correct? Either way, it's not your choice to make. Your job is not to heal their hurts, but to guide them in finding their own personal methods to heal themselves. So that disconnection is NECESSARY in order to do any good, and intruding on their mind, risking projection, and telling them how to live their life is only going to upset them. Even if they do listen, it will create co-dependency. Making that connection makes them feel better because they feed off of your loving energy. This is somewhat okay for building trust and mutuality for friends or family who you plan on having in your life, but detrimental for someone you're just trying to help. Getting into that mindset is a good motivating point towards convincing yourself to disconnect. It takes a LOT of Te.

A nice, personal method.. is just to switch your thinking around. No matter how bad that person seems to have it.. start thinking in terms of what lesson could be learned. Finding the silver lining. Remind yourself that this is a person, living their own life, making their own choices. Not you. Picture them making choices to better their situation, learning to grow on their own, having a support structure they could turn to already, if they so choose. Once you can find an ounce of joy for them, you won't feel that urge to fuse as much. You know deep inside they don't really need you.

Also.. though you feel the urge to fuse with everyone, remember that the more people you try to help, the thinner you're going to spread yourself, and the less good you're really going to be able to do. Just remember, you can't please everyone, nor is it your responsibility to. Picking and choosing your battles is the most helpful way of achieving anything.

I've still found reminding myself how hurtful it can be to assume the position of someone else without knowing a whole lot about them already the biggest way of keeping my distance. Knowing I will probably do more harm than good either by mis-information or by not having the time or energy to really make a difference overpowers that initial instinct. And then sometimes it leads into nice, casual conversation that either allows them to vent and feel better, or can bring them to some conclusions of their own naturally. It's a cool thing.

And again, that's not to say that means to ignore everyone! Just making a short eye contact connection and smiling at someone, or offering a small piece of advice can make a big difference, but when it comes to the deep connections, it's not always a good idea. And I only offer this line of thinking for someone to use once they deem it necessary to keep their distance, not necessarily to live by.

 

[Domino]

I'm adopting you as my INFJ guru, Wolf. You make so much sense to me.

 

[wolfmaiden14]

I'm adopting you as my INFJ guru, Wolf. You make so much sense to me.

If my lessons from going through a couple years of emotional chaos theory helps a wonderful young gal like yourself out, then it's worth it!

Also, "The Way We Are" by Thomas Lynch REALLY put everything into perspective for me. It's a quick short story about how a father deals with his son's alcoholism that I highly recommend for any empath.

 

[the state i am in]

I've struggled with feelings of ambivalence over this since I was young, like I *should* be "cool" because that's what was constantly thrown up in my face as the ideal when I was growing up. Even minor displays of emotional reaction were yelled down or considered bad or startling.

I'm really DONE with feeling like I have to disown part of me to be acceptable.

i (vs e) doesn't necessarily contain it better. it just comes out less, the outburst is less frequent. it has to swim up to the surface from far deeper depths.

when people see it from me, they're usually shocked. flare-up is definitely the right term. but there's also a sizzle of something deep down, there's always a lot of tension and grinding from the tectonic plates shifting underneath the surface. the idea of how things should be and the Fe that keeps connecting us to what is. VERY combustible.

you burn really hot all the time, i'm not really like that. i'm floating along, the mood of my mental world/imagination is shaded with so many different shades of color. my imagination is my dominant function, and i spend more time there than extroverting (via feeling). gathering and synthesizing information, pooling resources, looking for patterns, etc.

i read a description somewhere that extroverted functions are the ones used to MERGE with the world. when i do, the feeling is consistently overwhelming. walking down a city street and i feel it wash over me, the entire scene, the mood, the pull of the chord progression. faces. wrinkles. hunched backs. dirty hands. empty briefcases. empty promises. scars. heartless words. lifeless bodies. angry voices.

i feel less of a need to help people and change people unless i personally connect with them. maybe it is bc i feel a larger gap, distance, etc between myself and others bc of my introversion and the way i slink around in my own depths so much of my life. when i do personally connect with someone, they are shocked at how deeply i listen and try to get into them, understand them, free them. otherwise i'm usually looking over everything like bird's eye view, and i absorb everything from all the little characters in all the little scenes i encounter, i have this like big picture view of everything that makes me want to correct something at the source, redirect the piping in a way that clears these recurring bottlenecks, that helps people at large.

i feel more defined by my own introverted imagined virtual world. my way of understanding and articulating and perceiving the world. the interpretations i produce. i want to fix something on the big picture level. ideas/CULTURE are as important to me as people. experience is nestled in between the both of them. two sides of the same coin.

if i were flip-flopped and Fe Ni instead of Ni Fe, if my intensity were always right on the surface, i can imagine how tumultuous and explosive i would feel at all times. the problem is feeling that you are not in control of your feelings, outbursts. and that it really really wears you out. but at the same time it's what you do and who you're supposed to be. these things need to be done. and you seem to do them very well.

 

[invaderzim]

How do you control run away Ni? Its like patterns everywhere.
How do I stop it?

 

[Domino]

How do you control run away Ni? Its like patterns everywhere.
How do I stop it?

Engage your sensing function. Try something active that will require your mind to concentrate on what's in front of it. Like playing basketball or drawing a picture.

 

[Domino]

if i were flip-flopped and Fe Ni instead of Ni Fe, if my intensity were always right on the surface, i can imagine how tumultuous and explosive i would feel at all times. the problem is feeling that you are not in control of your feelings, outbursts. and that it really really wears you out. but at the same time it's what you do and who you're supposed to be. these things need to be done. and you seem to do them very well.

Ni before Fe seems to make all the difference in the surface temperature of this sun.