[MBTI General] NFJ: Not Done Being Angry Yet

[Domino]

After a nasty argument with someone I really care about, I have to walk it off. I have to remove myself. I get accused of sulking, bearing a grudge or being a martyr which only makes me feel more marginalized. Like "calm down". Or "you're being dramatic".

I *must* be understood. And if I feel that I'm speaking to someone who doesn't care to hear me clearly, I get even more frustrated and off-balance. Being a primary F causes me to think that my feelings are less valid than other peoples', especially in a fight. Like I'm not being taken seriously.

My ENFP twin seems to be able to get out of an angry mood after a fight a LOT faster than me. I feel like I have to remove myself and let my feelings balance back out, and process what happened. That's when I'm usually told I'm sulking. I'm sort of just sitting there processing, not plotting ways to get the person back or nursing a bad attitude. I'd rather get it over with as soon as possible, but I seem to require X amount of time to settle down.

Is this an Fi vs. Fe difference? Do other NFJs need time to clear their heads, and if they don't get that time, feel resentful?

The intensity of my feelings can be almost choking sometimes.

 

[SolitaryPenguin]

My GF (INFJ) sure does. We don't have heated arguments very often, but when we do, she needs a bit of downtime to process. The problem is, my natural inclination is to get her out of it by continuing to try to talk it out. I've learned not to do that as much though in the past year and a half living together. If I have pissed her off to that point, I steer clear and she'll eventually come back, and that's when I usually get to make my apologies and explanations.

 

[Domino]

Interesting. How long does she usually need? I take up to an hour sometimes, depending on the throw-down I've just endured.

You could take her for an orange julius in the food court.

 

[SolitaryPenguin]

An hour? I'm lucky if I usually get any acknowledgment the rest of the night.

Keep in mind, this is a rare situation, but if she has gotten heated about something, it usually takes till at least the next day for us to be able to talk about it. Again, I've learned quite a bit about how far is too far, but I do still go there sometimes when I am feeling feisty.

And, alas, in this economy, we've had to put off such luxurys as Orange Julii.

 

[Atomic Fiend]

It depends on the argument really. In an hour however, yeah I'm usually okay, however it isn't wise to speak to me before that.

 

[Tigerlily]

Giving yourself time after a knockdowndragout is always a good idea. I am not a card carrying grudge member but I do need a bit of time to think things through after most clashes. I find that when I react immediately, I pretty much fuck things up and likely cause the other person (usually another feeler) to be unforgiving. I think the problem (if any) that a person can have with me is that I am a myriad of types due to my surroundings so I can be difficult for some people to get along with. Anyway I am pretty chill at the end of it all as long as the person on the other end has the ability to communicate. communication is key people!

edit: an hour is way too short however i tend to be more forgiving if i am annoyed at my spouse. he's just too damn sexy for me to stay mad at. ;P

 

[Lady_X]

my anger last about as long as a sparkler...it burns hot and fast and then it's over...i wish i could stay mad longer...it just requires effort to stay mad...it's like i just automatically revert to my happy state of mind.

 

[cascadeco]

Interesting. How long does she usually need? I take up to an hour sometimes, depending on the throw-down I've just endured.

Oh my! An hour doesn't seem very long!!! *sheepish*

I can't exactly relate to the anger part, as anger - in a raw sense most people speak of when speaking of anger - is something I don't display much at all. Irritation, yes, but I don't cross over much more of a threshold than that.

But speaking of emotions in general, I can relate very much to needing down time to process things. 'Processing things' is my middle name, haha. I just need time to myself to think, to integrate, to calm down, to clear my head. I need that down time to re-center myself so as to approach the topic or conversation in a clear-headed manner. If I don't get that down time, and am 'forced' to talk through it, it's very hard for me to do so, because I can't verbalize anything, or might not know myself what's going on, until I get that time alone to sort things out. In other words -- I can't sort through in a productive manner on the spot.

 

[Domino]

I know what she may be feeling, Penguin. Arguing with people I care nothing for = w/e. Arguing with my inner circle = awful roiling mess in my heart that I have to clean up.

I go to great lengths to prevent things from reaching critical stage, of course. I hate fighting! But when you finally get on each others' nerves about something, or peoples' fuses are short, and a fight is inevitable, I just HAVE to get off alone and cool down. I envy my sister's short cooling time. My Fe makes my head feel like it's on fire, even if I don't want it to.

Perhaps you P functions have an edge on us.

*slips you a tenner* Take the lady out. My treat.


Wow - thanks for the input you guys! I feel less alone!

 

[Tigerlily]

pps: i think i get along best with P types since there usually more laid back. they seem less worried about trivial things and i like that.

 

[Kyrielle]

Do other NFJs need time to clear their heads, and if they don't get that time, feel resentful?

The intensity of my feelings can be almost choking sometimes.

Yes, very much so. I'm a rather reactive person, surprisingly (because most of the time I'm fairly even-keel, or at least on the outside I am). When something upsets me, my reaction is initally incredibly strong, but once I've been able to get it all out of me, I have to go sit by myself for a little bit so I can stop being angry. It's a process that needs no one around, because I might cry or I might just seethe for a while and let things slowly congeal in my head. Once I'm all done being upset, I have no problem sitting down and facing the situation calmly and rationally. Not giving me that space only pushes my buttons...so does not taking me seriously when I'm angry (because I am so very rarely actually angry)...and I've learned that pushing my buttons when I'm like that is bad for everyone.

 

[Poki]

My wife takes all night, maybe into the next day. The thing I struggle with is that I just have to know that its over. Cant attempt to early and if I wait to long she assumes I am mad at her. Its like your damned if you do and your damned if you dont.

 

[ThatsWhatHeSaid]

Calm down Pink. You're being dramatic.

 

[Domino]

Calm down Pink. You're being dramatic.

Boy...

*takes you out to the woodpile*

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Yes, very much so. I'm a rather reactive person, surprisingly (because most of the time I'm fairly even-keel, or at least on the outside I am). When something upsets me, my reaction is initally incredibly strong, but once I've been able to get it all out of me, I have to go sit by myself for a little bit so I can stop being angry. It's a process that needs no one around, because I might cry or I might just seethe for a while and let things slowly congeal in my head. Once I'm all done being upset, I have no problem sitting down and facing the situation calmly and rationally. Not giving me that space only pushes my buttons...so does not taking me seriously when I'm angry (because I am so very rarely actually angry)...and I've learned that pushing my buttons when I'm like that is bad for everyone.

This is exactly what it is like for me as well. I need to get away.

 

[Domino]

Ok, so I'm seeing a theme of not being rushed through one's feelings until one has felt them return to a natural balance on their own. If I get pushed to "talk about it" too much/too early, I just explode into a ball of spines. And as cascade said, it's impossible to talk about it when I'm not entirely sure yet how I felt about what just happened. I also resent being pushed to talk because it feels like a demand to share/expose something of myself with someone who just hurt me.

This goes for bad fights only. Not common tiffs.

My mind seems to go blank and all I can think about is getting off alone to get things back online.

I think maybe Ni has a big hand in this. It wants to sift through everything and make its connections before releasing the event.

 

[cascadeco]

My mind seems to go blank and all I can think about is getting off alone to get things back online.

I think maybe Ni has a big hand in this. It wants to sift through everything and make its connections before releasing the event.

I totally agree.

And for myself at least, I also want to assess to make sure my feelings are 'justified', and I'm not blowing things out of proportion, and am not NOT seeing another side to the situation, that it's not just my own defense mechanisms, figuring out exactly what I DO think/feel, etc etc infinite etc.. But again, mostly just getting myself back to a baseline.

Interesting also that you mention mind going blank. That's something that will occur to me if I am put on the spot and especially if I'm feeling flustered or agitated about a situation. My mind can become virtually blank in that state...almost panicky...and therefore there isn't anything I am *able*to say!! haha.

 

[Poki]

My mind seems to go blank and all I can think about is getting off alone to get things back online.

I think maybe Ni has a big hand in this. It wants to sift through everything and make its connections before releasing the event.

Ni doorslam, literally

 

[Tigerlily]

what kind of hurt are we talking about here? someone calls you an emotional train wreck pleb do you want to gauge their eyes out immediately? lets get down to the nitty gritty here. ;P

I was mildly irritated this morning with a woman at the bus stop for commenting on another child's behavior because my own son is "different" to most kids. I told her in a calm tone that he's a kid and shouldn't be judged so harshly. am i still annoyed? no because I expect this type of thing from her. she's zzzz on a good day.

just trying to gauge what type of "upset" we're talking about here and i do realise that we all have our own passions so of course what upsets you might not upset me, etc.

 

[BerberElla]

my anger last about as long as a sparkler...it burns hot and fast and then it's over...i wish i could stay mad longer...it just requires effort to stay mad...it's like i just automatically revert to my happy state of mind.

I know what you mean. Once it's out I'm better and over it.

Hah, at least I have a clearer idea of what types certain friends may have been back in the days.

This one girl wouldn't talk to me for days, usually because I put my foot in my mouth and said something insensitive (which I didn't mean, I'm just a joker) and we argued about it, and she made it fester.

She always needed time before she was ready to make up, maybe it's a j thing, it's bloody frustrating though, can't we just kiss and make up?