MayaBroman
New member
- Joined
- Dec 21, 2011
- Messages
- 6
- MBTI Type
- INFx
- Enneagram
- 4
- Instinctual Variant
- sx
I was wondering if anyone else here does this or ever has done this.
Since I was a kid, I was a high-achiever and people expected a lot from me. My passions were writing and drawing but the pressure kind of got to me, and in a way, the pressure kind of takes away the pleasure of doing things just for yourself and no one else. I also did well academically and one day, at around the age of 11, I got it in my head that I had to keep out-doing myself that I had to be the very best all the time.
Soon there no longer were any limits in my mind. I probably started to expect way too much of myself...
At age 13 I read and learned as much as I could, because I wanted to be prodigious. I became my own worst enemy and remember going to bed drained. At 14 I think I cracked and my mind went funny and my concentration went down the drain. I was tested for ADD, but in the end it was obvious I didn't have it, it was probably just mental exhaustion etc.
But this drive to reach the stars and manically be the best stuck with me, I raised the bar high and went crazy with goals and ambitions I set for myself, I raised the bar so high and felt frustrated and angry that I couldn't reach them, which was irrational because they were so far-fetched and ambitious that they were almost impossible to reach, and even to attain them would mean extremely hard work, which I didn't have the energy or patience for, or even the organization. It was so contradictory. I didn't want to work for it and expected it all to just come to me. Maybe due to being spoiled. I also didn't even know HOW to get started with all that craziness and targets. It's like part of me kept nagging me to get on with it, and the other part refused and didn't want to. I think I imagined that I had more energy than I actually physically had.
I've looked back at all the lists I wrote for myself back then, lists of all these highly ambitious, over the top goals and plans. They stun me, because they are almost unrealistic! I'm not surprised I didn't get most of them done! Part of me just wants to get rid of them to take the past stress away. But then part of me kind of wants to keep them so that in the future I can see how manic I was? I've done some of those things I set myself, the ones I thought were worth it anyway, like publish poems, start writing a book, send written works to newspapers etc. I think some of the ideas I set down were just excuses to burn off energy, which I have A LOT of. I think it's all about energy, really. Some things I set on the list I think were just attention-seeking things and trivial, of no real importance. I wouldn't do them now because it just seems silly. I think everyone wants to make a mark, accomplish great things in a way, and when you're a teenager you don't always reason well or think straight, you just want the whole world. Well, I did anyway. I wanted to do everything and be everywhere because I didn't really focus on my passion. My grandiosity was probably trying to compensate for deep insecurities. I knew this but stubbornly carried on anyway. Half of me was sensible and wanted me to calm down, and the other half was caught up in it and wanted to act out these maniacal whims. Is that normal. It's like a crazy conflict within myself. What should I do about all the goals, and the high standards I set myself? I know about the link between raising the bar too high and self-destruction. Help!
Has anyone else been through this? And does anyone have any idea why I became like this and where it comes from? I've been struggling with this for so long. Thanks for reading...
Since I was a kid, I was a high-achiever and people expected a lot from me. My passions were writing and drawing but the pressure kind of got to me, and in a way, the pressure kind of takes away the pleasure of doing things just for yourself and no one else. I also did well academically and one day, at around the age of 11, I got it in my head that I had to keep out-doing myself that I had to be the very best all the time.
Soon there no longer were any limits in my mind. I probably started to expect way too much of myself...
At age 13 I read and learned as much as I could, because I wanted to be prodigious. I became my own worst enemy and remember going to bed drained. At 14 I think I cracked and my mind went funny and my concentration went down the drain. I was tested for ADD, but in the end it was obvious I didn't have it, it was probably just mental exhaustion etc.
But this drive to reach the stars and manically be the best stuck with me, I raised the bar high and went crazy with goals and ambitions I set for myself, I raised the bar so high and felt frustrated and angry that I couldn't reach them, which was irrational because they were so far-fetched and ambitious that they were almost impossible to reach, and even to attain them would mean extremely hard work, which I didn't have the energy or patience for, or even the organization. It was so contradictory. I didn't want to work for it and expected it all to just come to me. Maybe due to being spoiled. I also didn't even know HOW to get started with all that craziness and targets. It's like part of me kept nagging me to get on with it, and the other part refused and didn't want to. I think I imagined that I had more energy than I actually physically had.
I've looked back at all the lists I wrote for myself back then, lists of all these highly ambitious, over the top goals and plans. They stun me, because they are almost unrealistic! I'm not surprised I didn't get most of them done! Part of me just wants to get rid of them to take the past stress away. But then part of me kind of wants to keep them so that in the future I can see how manic I was? I've done some of those things I set myself, the ones I thought were worth it anyway, like publish poems, start writing a book, send written works to newspapers etc. I think some of the ideas I set down were just excuses to burn off energy, which I have A LOT of. I think it's all about energy, really. Some things I set on the list I think were just attention-seeking things and trivial, of no real importance. I wouldn't do them now because it just seems silly. I think everyone wants to make a mark, accomplish great things in a way, and when you're a teenager you don't always reason well or think straight, you just want the whole world. Well, I did anyway. I wanted to do everything and be everywhere because I didn't really focus on my passion. My grandiosity was probably trying to compensate for deep insecurities. I knew this but stubbornly carried on anyway. Half of me was sensible and wanted me to calm down, and the other half was caught up in it and wanted to act out these maniacal whims. Is that normal. It's like a crazy conflict within myself. What should I do about all the goals, and the high standards I set myself? I know about the link between raising the bar too high and self-destruction. Help!
Has anyone else been through this? And does anyone have any idea why I became like this and where it comes from? I've been struggling with this for so long. Thanks for reading...
