MOAR STUFF:
One thing that came to mind reading the ENFJ mail is that it isn't to him. I'd rather have something said to me personally while being reinforced as an important member of the team, that my input has value. In situations where people feel that it is more diplomatic to address the group as a whole and I can see that I am at fault in some way I start to go over my value and look for clarification in some way. It digs on my mind and can undermine my confidence.
Okay, this seems crucial. ENFJ thinks she's being kinder by addressing the group, rather than singling one person out, but you're saying it's having the opposite effect on him? This is good to know! How can we broach the subject without sounding like we're being patronizing? I think Fe sometimes has issues with that b/c we feel like if we lead with reiterating someone's value that we're patronizing them to get to the part where we say what we want them to fix. Should we lead with the request, and then stress how valuable he is? Or should we lead with the validation first? Does anyone have a suggestion for phrasing?
Thanks Tallulah for your example. If these are issues with this guy's playing on a regular basis, and he already knows it, and he got this e-mail, I think he might have a hard time depersonalizing it as he would feel it was directed right at him, without being directed at him. Passive-aggressive. I can imagine it might make him feel angry, and singled out in a kind of embarrassing way.
It's ironic, no? ENFJ thinks he's the one being passive-aggressive, but yeah, she's avoiding confrontation and being p-a, too.
Here are some of the things that come to my mind:
1.) Has anyone made a list of what the band's goals are, and what the goals are of all the members of the band? For the band: We are a ______ tribute band and we aim to create a musical experience that is exciting and enjoyable for us and for our audience in recreating the _______ music as 100% authentically as possible. For the members: we want to play twice a month, so we will need this many rehearsals, this is what we hope to make each gig so we need to aim for these venues (X, Y & Z types), this is how far we will travel to do a show. You might find, like the last tribute band I sang in did, that everyone's expectations varied wildly. It was one of the first aspects of the band's undoing.
It's so funny to read this, because this is EXACTLY the kind of stuff he wants hammered out, and it makes ENFJ and I twitch, because we kind of feel like we already know that stuff and don't need to spell it out so precisely. It feels like rules to us. I thought it was a quirk of his, but I guess it's kind of a Te need, and it's something I have been overlooking in favor of my own preferences. I wonder if there is a way to compromise where Te gets what it needs but there is still flexibility...?
2.) So then, if the band's goal is to recreate the music as faithfully as possible (being in an Elvis tribute band I totally get this, as there are big audience expectations) an individual's need or desire to be "outside the box" and "make the song their own" is obliterated and everyone knows the rules and parameters of their participation. Nobody has to be couched or coddled. The question is, "Does this sound like the original?" If the answer is no, it needs to be redone. The benchmarks are already set.
3.) Has anyone said, "ENFP, can you recreate this section just like on the DVD?" Appeal to his desire to be perfect. Engage his Te, to want to focus on that goal to make it sound so close to the original no one can tell it apart. He won't do it to please the ENFJ but he will do it to try to make it perfect and thus fulfill the grander scope of the goals, and please all of you and thus himself in the process.
Ooh, good points! You know, I'm really seeing how some people can feel like they're being stifled, because ENFJ and I see things so alike, and we're the "face" of the band. I'm going to have to print out this thread and study it.
2) I think he must really need that...is that the Te that anchors Ne? Like, I have to have perimeters so I know how far my Ne can run wild? My view is a lot more flexible than that, because I know Heart so welll, and I know what songs fans are going to expect to hear note-for-note (Magic Man, etc), and what songs there's some room to play on, since they themselves have played around with them, and have done lots of different versions (Alone). The few covers we've done are mostly songs that Heart has covered (lots of Zeppelin, for instance), so it makes sense to tackle them, since Heart fans love it when they cover Zep, and it's a feather in our cap that we can do that stuff justice live.
3) This is a good idea, re: the problem we're having now. Maybe I can get them together for a guitar practice and we can get out the cd/dvd and try to get it as close as possible. Make it a challenge.
And for promoting the band, holy mackerel, let his Ne run wild! Get excited when he shares all the ideas, and he will cull some of them just by virtue of having the opportunity to say them out loud. Saddle that energy!
Good idea! He's been a huge help with getting our promo stuff together. Huge.
For contrast, here's what I would write for the same e-mail:
ENFJ Lead:
PB INFP 9:
FWIW.
Plus, seriously, have a great show tonight! You make me want to find a new band to sing in!
Shoot, the quoted stuff didn't come out, so I'll have to go back and pick that up.
No, he's not looking for yes / no, he's looking for them to be brainstormed out further to see if they are workable or not. Yes or no at the outset would crush the next creative phase of brainstorming, which is "Can we make this real?" "Does / would this fit with us and the real world?" Maybe have a couple of brainstorm sessions, and set a band mission statement at the same time?
It does sound like we need a set-aside band meeting time for brainstorming, rather than just sandwiching them in during rehearsals. That might go a long way towards promoting band unity.
I would see it as a departure too. I think it would make it harder to enact the idea of being a tribute band. Either you are or you aren't, and it's hard enough trying to be the best tribute band without all the other distracting ideas ... you can't be all things. Better to narrow the focus, or at least set the idea of writing your own stuff as an eventual destination, otherwise, there will be a lot more dissension in the group, IMO.
See above, under 2)
EDIT: my hubs just said y'all should be a heart AND lee aaron tribute band lol! Plus he wants to know if you are Nancy or Ann! (Men ...
)
I'm Nancy.
I don't know Lee Aaron! Will have to look her up.