My sister hurt me deeply today

[INTJMom]

My sister hurt me deeply today. Every time I think about it, I start to cry.

Last week when I told her about my job and my moral dilemma, she agreed with me that their policy should be changed.

But today when she asked me about how it went when I told my boss, I told her I was leaving at the end of March, she said, all matter-of-factly, “Well, tell your boss I want your job.” It wasn’t so much what she said as it was the underlying insults behind what she said.

This is what I hate about Tertiary Fi!
I have feelings,
but I can’t explain them.
​

It’s just another dig at me, another disrespectful remark like she always makes,
just another reason why I HATE being around my family on the holidays.
Just another proof that I don't belong to them.
It was like she was accusing me of being ungrateful for my job.
She thinks she would be better at it then me.
Maybe she would be.
Everyone has strengths and weaknesses.

I guess if the disdain and disrespect weren't so long-standing it wouldn't have hurt so much.
I guess it's just another thing I have to forgive her for.

​

 

[scantilyclad]

 

[Salomé]

Familes! So much of what is said/felt is excavated from years of hurt and misunderstanding.
"Blood is thicker than water, but it's also a lot harder to get out of the carpet".

 

[INTJMom]

You are very wise, my dear.

I've never heard that saying before... I laughed out loud when I got to the part about the carpet.

Strangely enough, my husband understood my feelings and told me if they gang up on me tomorrow to just give him a shout and he'll come over and give them an earful. (Otherwise, he'll be watching football.)

Part of what I'm feeling is betrayal. And you're right, there are years of unhealed wounds from the past. Not like I've entirely neglected them... I have worked on forgiving the ones I've remembered... it's just that yet another layer has revealed itself.

Why do I keep forgetting that my family doesn't agree with me about anything? Why do I even talk to them about anything important? So stupid.

I tried to explain it to someone else tonight, and it came out all wrong. It sounded like I was being petty and jealous. But I am not a petty and jealous person. I can't put my finger on it yet. All I know for sure is that whatever it is, touched a raw wound from the past or else I wouldn't have started crying every time I thought of it. And it wouldn't have felt as though she stabbed me in the chest.

 

[INTJMom]

After sleeping on it, I guess what's brought to the forefront is just the grief of knowing I am at odds with my family. I desire harmony, but it will never be. We mix like oil and water. They never make an effort to avoid controversial subjects, and the things they believe in and stand for are so diametrically opposed to what I believe in and stand for.

And she did insinuate that she would be better at the job than I am. I've always felt inferior to her. She has accomplished more with her life than I have. And being an INFP, she's automatically more lovable than I am. Ah, there we go. Here come the tears. Jackpot. I need to stop comparing myself to my sister. I need to give up on my parents or my sister ever loving me or respecting me. Man that hurts!

I guess I can console myself with the fact that I have earned the respect of others who I respect. And I am loved by a few people.

I can't say I respect what my family stands for, but I do treat them with honor and dignity anyway. I can only love them and be humble. That's all I can do.






Further reflection on why I didn't just outright quit the job immediately:
I couldn't quit my job now because that would be admitting defeat. I was just getting my feet under me. I was just gaining confidence in the workplace. I am just beginning to discover what I am capable of. Every week, I am more and more confident in what is required of me.

 

[Salomé]

I know how that feels, really I do. It's the price you pay for being true to yourself. But there really isn't an alternative, is there?

Are you staying in the job now then?


Mmmm. Lobster.

 

[INTJMom]

It's complicated.

My boss had 8 weeks to train me before leaving for Florida for the winter - out of concern for her husband's health and safety (they're older).
Four weeks into the training is when I realized that I was being asked to compromise my morals - not on a regular basis, but just as an occasional occurance, hence why it took 4 weeks to discover.
She didn't/doesn't have time to train somebody new.
So, mainly in hope of perhaps becoming enough of an influence to cause a change in the policy, so that I wouldn't be forced to compromise anymore, I decided to stay at least until she gets back from Florida.

If no policy change is made by then, I can leave in good conscience, knowing that I did not leave her stranded, and knowing I did not just cower away, but at least made an attempt to stand up for what I believe.

Bottom line: I am leaving in March unless they change their policy.

 

[INTJMom]

Okay then!
The lobster's on me!

 

[INTJMom]

Thanksgiving with my family went very well. My sister did not bring up our last conversation, for which I was most thankful. And they generally didn't bring up any controversial topics which was nice for a change.

Thankfully, I had worked through my grief and pain before I got there, so I was able to be myself and not be holding a grudge or anything. Overall it was a good day of fun and no personal attacks. Woo-hoo!

My father did ask me about my job though. I can always count on it taking a minimum of 15 minutes trying to describe what we do at that stupid organization. I should just tell people it's Top Secret so I wouldn't have to explain it all the time. What a wicked rat's nest!

Thinking about, there's another good reason why I can't stay there indefinitely. What they do there is so controversial they have haters and I wouldn't want to be stalked or targeted for a hate crime.

 

[verenalovelygarden]

hello dear MomINTJ
I can understand your dilemma. I guess that you are very sad about it but don't waste your time any longer with persons who are not able or even willing to understand you! I had so much problems at work, at home, with friends or my family ... but there is no way to oblige them to accept me just as I am. In Belgium we say: It's better to stay alone than in bad company..... otherwise you may suffer again and again!!!
It took me more than 20 years to find a society where the director "nearly" understands me and respects my ideas and my values (morals and ethics).
So don't worry any longer- I'm sure you will find another job which suits you better than your actual work!!