Moods

[nolla]

^I don't do well with that either. Especially if there's nothing I can do about it, it affects me physically ime. Yesterday I was trying to have a nice quiet lunch and I was seated near a mother and daughter having a very nasty argument, bleh, it actually took away my appetite.

I would never lose my appetite, but it would get me eating faster and leaving without enjoying the food. The worse type of people who do this, however, are the ones who come to you and invite themselves to vent. I don't know why they do it, do they want me to feel miserable too, or do they think their bad feelings will take me as a new host and leave them, or don't they know that it hurts to listen venting like that..? I don't get it.

 

[wolfy]

^I don't do well with that either. Especially if there's nothing I can do about it, it affects me physically ime. Yesterday I was trying to have a nice quiet lunch and I was seated near a mother and daughter having a very nasty argument, bleh, it actually took away my appetite.

I am not outwardly moody and my mood never really runs to outright anger much. But I think I inhabit a lot of feeling states during the day.... and I try to cultivate certain states too, (mostly the feeling of being happy to be alive and connected to the world.)

These kinds of things can affect my mood. I can remember one time at a sushi place I could hear the boss giving one of the workers an earful. Luckily it didn't last but those kind of things make me angry. It only seems to make me angry or uncomfortable when someone seems to be abusing their power not just an argument.
But my anger never lingers in any situation it burns bright and fast. My overall mood swings from reserved to outgoing and stays in either for a few days.
I was thinking today maybe it has something to do with being ambivert?

 

[violaine]

I would never lose my appetite, but it would get me eating faster and leaving without enjoying the food. The worse type of people who do this, however, are the ones who come to you and invite themselves to vent. I don't know why they do it, do they want me to feel miserable too, or do they think their bad feelings will take me as a new host and leave them, or don't they know that it hurts to listen venting like that..? I don't get it.

^oh blurghh! I know someone who does this unrelentingly. I always feel like I've been run over after she's unloaded on me. And that's exactly what they're doing, transference, they feel great and you're stuck with all of their negative emotion. I give people like that a wide berth if I can, otherwise I make sure to never ask "how are you?"

EDIT: Oh, it was a pretty full-on argument, 40 mins long, high-pitched, whiney, crying *shudder* At one point they made up and I thought thank gawd, then they started up again, lol.

 

[Kasper]

I'm pretty sure what heart was saying is...... yeah I'm responsible for my own feelings, but sometimes a person I am with can be so toxic that they truly do make me feel bad, and it is their fault that I feel bad.

That's how it reads to me and I totally disagree. You are still in control of how you react regardless of how toxic the environment is, nobody can ever take that control away from you unless you let them.

It's amazing how many people start a confrontation with the phrase, "You're making me feel ____________."

:steam: I cannot stand that statement!

It makes me feel so mad

No really, I don't tolerate someone using that statement around me, it's such a cop-out.

 

[wolfy]

This says it all...
[YOUTUBE="oSaxuKTN8xc"]Positively 4th Street[/YOUTUBE]

 

[Anja]

I'm glad to see the conversation is on track this morning.

Yes. Good thoughts since I last read!

This idea of blame. Guess we can all see that it's toxic and removes our focus from what we are capable of doing. Either if we blame others for our feelings state or others blame us. Or more discouraging - if we blame ourselves.

Yes. I know RL people who carry so much emotional garbage with them that their approach makes me shudder! Hah. I just had a mental picture of Pigpen from the Charlie Brown cartoon or the Tasmanian Devil!

On the flip side there are those who seem to need emotion from us and when I've spent time with them I can feel nearly sucked dry. My ENFP daughter and I call them "emotional vampires." Gots to put on my "garlic armor" when I spend time with those exhausting folks.

And I do understand that need to dump on or to draw happiness from other than ourselves but I think we're in agreement that it isn't a balanced state and wreaks havoc in relationships. It's a pretty uncomfortable experience.

Again, blame. There is little room in my world for blame. Feelings are facts. There. That. Feelings are facts. I see no room for value judgement.

It's what we do with our feelings that is the issue.

Blame gets us caught up whether it is in blaming ourselves or others. It's a shift of focus from the issues. And it can breed resentment and feelings of helplessness.

As I read I thought of the lesson Victor Frankl taught us about responsibility for our feeling state. And the possibility of (and need for) being able to lift our spirits in spite of our circumstances. Bless the man.

 

[Anja]

Oh yeah, Wolfy - the Bobster!

(Bet he's a tough guy to live in harmony with!)

 

[Randomnity]

Depends how you define moody. My moods never change for "no reason" but I definitely over-react to things (imo), at some times more than others. Especially if I'm tired. It used to be a lot worse back in high school though. Overall I suppose I'm as stable as anyone these days.

People will rarely acknowledge being in a "bad" mood ( except retroactively ) , and I think this is due to two reasons.
( 1. ) Connotations of the word "bad"
( 2. ) The phenomenon I mentioned earlier, that the very thing which would be observing is affected.

Hmm, I actually do this pretty often, especially if I notice myself snapping at people or being antisocial ("sorry, I'm grumpy tonight"). I guess I want to let people know it's temporary instead of thinking I'm a giant bitch who's always like that, or that I'm mad at them. Maybe I'm just weird.

 

[Anja]

It depends on how you look at the word responsible. Responsibility means the ability to respond to me. It's not whether or not the environment has affected the situation but my ability to respond.
Responsibility can be used to mean blame and accountability or the ability to take initiative.

I agree with both of them.

No matter how thin you slice it there's always two sides.

Let me belabour this idea a little more.

Yes, people can create situations which unsettle us. Yes, I can blame them for irresponsible expression of their feelings state. But, again I am responsible for doing some thing about it. Because I am, fair or not, the one who has to carry the feelings which are created in me.

 

[kuranes]

Hmm, I actually do this pretty often, especially if I notice myself snapping at people or being antisocial ("sorry, I'm grumpy tonight").

You're a rare bird. At least that's how it seems here in the USA. For some reason I'm picturing ( haven't even checked your profile to see ) the likeliness of an English person saying this and it being somehow ....more likely there. Don't know why. I can just hear Substitute saying that, as I type this.

However, I will commonly see USA people describing how they are "tired at the moment" as a way of describing why they might be saying or doing something. This goes back to the beginning of this thread and whether moods are more related to energy vs. emotions; or whether emotions are mold-able from within or without. Probably, like the "nature vs. nurture" debate, it is a little of both.

I remember someone asking an interesting question about whether they play music to match a mood they're having, versus playing music to change their mood - and change it into something they would rather be feeling.

I play songs that match my mood, usually, and the idea of forcing my mood to change is an odd one to me, as I seem to be of the ( current status but open to changing my mind, I guess ) persuasion that is "if I'm having a 'mood' it's because I 'wanted it', or it was natural." Yet philosophically I've been aware, for awhile now, that the notion of our "self" being in conscious control, of all that much, is just an illusion. I guess this reality never sunk in to my emotional infrastructure, and only registered on my "thinking" component. Yet it also strikes me that if I am "wanting" to change my mood then maybe I was going to naturally transition out of it soon anyway, otherwise why would I have consciously considered doing so ?

It reminds me of all the discussions about the "divided self"; which is just a pop psychology near-cliche term, I'm sure, but still has some descriptive power. ( I'm not referring to multiple personality syndrome )

For example, when people talk about how to motivate oneself, it seem like the answer is the same as the question about how to develop wittiness. You either have it or you don't.

I often surprise myself as to when I actually begin doing something versus just thinking I should do it.

Getting up in the morning, for example. I might lie there awhile after the alarm rings, or get up immediately. If I lie there, one of the things I might waste time on thinking about, instead of getting up, is why I do that very thing . But that still isn't getting up.

"Part of me wants to do that, but obviously part of me doesn't" is something I tell to people who ask me why I continue with a habit that I have admitted is undesirable, for example.

Maybe I'm prioritizing working on some other priority ( which might be a self-behavior mod, or not ) or maybe I'm just being lazy, but I'm not currently doing it.

"Why not?" someone might ask. "Why not work on all your bad habits at once?"

The answer is "I don't know."

If I was motivated enough I'd already be doing it. This where I wonder about which "self" a hypnotist would be getting in touch with, if I was trying to counter this by going to a therapist of that sort for help.

If it is not the "dominant" self that he will be addressing, then how can it be "agreed" to in a meaningful way ? If it is the dominant self then I would probably be already doing it - and therefore already motivated. Right ?

The only answer I've ever seen to this is people who say that after having the intention, one must "schedule" the action. I'm a believer in "to-do" lists, but I've noticed that they eventually get superceded by new things that are either truly "more important", or that I decided were important for reasons that are contrary ( divided self again ) to what I was thinking earlier. ( Sometimes the list itself gets lost as I will need to carry it around sometimes in order to remember items on it. Ironically the list itself gets forgotten somewhere, then, instead of always being at the center of my desk or whatever. )

In other words, what does one do when the "schedules" are only partially fulfilled ?

 

[INTJMom]

That's how it reads to me and I totally disagree. You are still in control of how you react regardless of how toxic the environment is, nobody can ever take that control away from you unless you let them.

In a perfect world, you are right.
But this is not a perfect world.

 

[nolla]

That's how it reads to me and I totally disagree. You are still in control of how you react regardless of how toxic the environment is, nobody can ever take that control away from you unless you let them.

I am in control and responsible for how I behave, but as far as my feeling come and go, I don't have control over them. I can control them by keeping them in, but that is a temporary fix and not healthy over long periods. Do you really control your feelings? I might want to learn that.

This idea of blame. Guess we can all see that it's toxic and removes our focus from what we are capable of doing. Either if we blame others for our feelings state or others blame us. Or more discouraging - if we blame ourselves.

I try to avoid blaming others or blaming myself, but sometimes I feel helpless since there is this bad stuff coming from them and staying inside me until I can release it. And it is completely out of my control if I can't leave the situation. It just piles up. Tell me, what should I do then?

On the flip side there are those who seem to need emotion from us and when I've spent time with them I can feel nearly sucked dry. My ENFP daughter and I call them "emotional vampires." Gots to put on my "garlic armor" when I spend time with those exhausting folks.

I've tried to be a shoulder for these people, but you know what? They don't get better, the relationship just turn into a pattern where they vent and I listen and I feel bad afterward for taking all the shit in. I'm sure your attitude makes you more popular than me. But for me it is like I care more for me feeling good than having one more friend if the "friend" never gives me any good vibes (yes, I am selfish like that).

There is little room in my world for blame. Feelings are facts. There. That. Feelings are facts. I see no room for value judgement.

I know it is not their fault to feel like they do. That's not the problem. It is their actions that make it a value judgment. They choose to tell me or anyone around them that they feel like shit. They seem to ignore that it can bring other people down. This is why I don't like this kind of behavior.

Yes, people can create situations which unsettle us. Yes, I can blame them for irresponsible expression of their feelings state. But, again I am responsible for doing some thing about it. Because I am, fair or not, the one who has to carry the feelings which are created in me.

What do you do? Feelings are something that don't magically disappear. That is why it is unacceptable to be spreading bad feelings around. For me, sometimes I have to leave a situation and go to some peaceful place like an alley or a park and meditate for a while to get myself in my normal state again.

I think there might be some kind of type difference with the feeling expression and attitude related to it. I think like it is my responsibility to keep my feelings inside me as long as there are people around that could get hurt by them. Some people obviously don't think this way. Maybe they don't realize that it gets to me. Maybe it doesn't get to them?

 

[Anja]

Find something to read about healthy detachment, nolla.

 

[Synarch]

I try to keep my feelings in a little sandbox when they get out of hand. I throw them in the sandbox and let them go crazy for a bit, while my brain works on what needs to happen after. Sometimes remembering that feelings will pass, helps you detach.

 

[nolla]

Find something to read about healthy detachment, nolla.

Healthy detachment for me is to walk away and purify my mind. I can't take that stuff for a long time and I don't think that any trick in a self-help book is going to make me better in it. I can't imagine having protective force field (like the Empaths) cause I don't believe in that stuff and I can't imagine it doesn't effect me, because that would be turning my back on the issue and let it go to unconscious. All I have left are my feet.

 

[Anja]

Ok. You asked: I answered. . .

 

[nolla]

Ok. You asked: I answered. . .

More elaborate answer would have been useful. (And I actually am interested in the other questions I asked about your view)

 

[Dwigie]

I'm pretty moody, one minute up the other down but people never notice because I don't really show it so I seem stable but am not.(But when you know me it's easy to tell what mood I'm in: it's written all over my face but somehow most people don't pick up on the small hints).

 

[heart]

I am in control and responsible for how I behave, but as far as my feeling come and go, I don't have control over them. I can control them by keeping them in, but that is a temporary fix and not healthy over long periods. Do you really control your feelings? I might want to learn that...

One aspect of the situation is that emotions are energy. When is placed in a position of constantly stifling them, one is also stiffling positive emotions as well and can deplete energy. Emotions are the energy to get out of a bad situation, do something proactive to change things. In our modern world we're often placed in positions where we are not so free to change the situation or at least not on the timetable we'd wish to.

I am not a person who advocates reacting to emotion without thought, but I am also not a person who advocates lying to self about emotion. If a situation is bad, it's bad. If one is powerless to change the situation, it's better to admit the bad feelings that brings rather than pump up on some happy horse sh*t mantra about how wonderful everything is or worse place the emotion underground where it can fester into something worse than it was to begin with.

It's better in my view to admit negative emotions and then come to the realization that one has survived unhappiness before and this time will likely be no different. Sometimes just being able to admit yeah this really does sux can bring new energy in and new will to deal with the situation, new clarity.

Plus, not being honest with self, can change the way one thinks. It can become habit to deny the truth and then one can lose track of the truth, lying to self becomes a way of life and one cannot see when one is lying to self and is not and judgment suffers. One cannot hold a firm position on any topic or idea because one's inner being is constantly shifting to avoid bad feelings and often requires lying to self. It's just not a good idea.

 

[Anja]

More elaborate answer would have been useful. (And I actually am interested in the other questions I asked about your view)

I really can't tell you what to do, ya know.

I learned about healthy detachment and put it to use. If you aren't interested in that you'll have to figure out what works for you.



Edit: I see you asked if I can control my feelings. No I cannot. I need to control how I act upon them.

But as you mentioned, doing something for people who say they need help doesn't seem to work well. Maybe they just wanted to bend your ear.