Saffrogen
New member
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2015
- Messages
- 16
- MBTI Type
- INFJ
- Enneagram
- 4w5
It's pretty rare for me to decide that I dislike someone whom I don't really know. The few times I've made that call, I was usually able to later change my position to at least neutral. Last night, though, was a special case.
My husband, my good male friend, and I went to a local restaurant for family style. For those of you who don't know, "family style" is a dining style where individual parties are seated alongside others whom they may not know, and large platters of food are passed around for each guest to take his or her share. The family style I go to also features unlimited wine.
Sometimes family style can be intimidating for my introverted self, but I usually have a lot of fun. That's because usually a lot of good, interesting people come.
My party was seated near a couple, "Paul" and "Vicky." They were just a few years younger than us. Paul was a casual and laid back mechanical engineer student. Vicky was a chemistry student (or "chemist," as she said), attractive, and very extraverted. Until they divulged that they had been dating for five years, and were talking about getting married, I had thought that they were in a very early stage of their relationship. Honestly, they seemed mismatched and awkward together.
Some background: my husband and I have also been told that we seem mismatched. He looks very much like a stereotypical nerd, with the chem-e degree and tech-heavy job to match. I have no degree, shy away from technology, work as a receptionist, have modeled for extra money, and am commonly assumed to possess average or slightly below average intelligence. Yet, we work well together because we always can find something interesting to discuss, have many interests in common, share similar views, and balance each other out. Some people don't look past appearances, though, and we have received some pretty obnoxious comments. So, we understand how frustrating incorrect assumptions based on appearances can be, and consequently try to be open-minded.
Dinner started with Vicky, who was to my immediate left, dominating the conversation. This made me uncomfortable, and I typically found myself at a loss for words when the opportunity arose. To make matters worse, she continually leaned over me to talk to those on my right. Since she talked with her hands a lot, this meant that she was basically waving her hands in my face over and over again. Meanwhile, my friend was clearly infatuated with her. Fine. She was attractive, and also seemed smart, cultured, and funny. (Unfortunately he is also drawn to unattainable women.) I tried to take her conflicting communication style and his fawning over her with a grain of salt, since I had just met this woman, and my friend would never actually hook up with someone else's girlfriend.
My husband noticed my discomfort, and tried to help by bringing up my love of wine tasting. Before I could get two words in, Vicky went on a rant against wine tasting from her "chemist's" perspective. She leaned over me again to address my husband specifically, while I gripped the stem of my glass. Most of what she said was either incorrect or ill-applied, as I quietly verified with my husband. He also said that he got the impression that she was trying to flirt with him, and he never picks up on things like that. My friend, though, had hung on to her every pseudo-intellectual word, and was left even more infatuated. Vicky seemed to drink in his admiring comments. I, however, couldn't help but feel like she was trying to show me up. Perhaps she was used to being the only attractive female in a mostly male environment, and felt threatened? I was starting to get really irritated.
The conversation topic turned to my friend's upcoming trip to Japan. (While he was talking, Vicky was speaking in fluent Spanish to the elderly gentleman on her left about her travels to Europe, and specifically his homeland. He, in turn, repeatedly told her how beautiful she was and offered to buy her drinks.) Paul had been to Japan, and commented how it was ridiculously crowded in comparisons to where we live, and described how people were always pushing up against each other. I stated that I wouldn't deal with that very well, because I have a hard time with my personal space being invaded.
We talked a bit more about Japan, and Vicky interjected to go back to discussing the crowds. Turning to me, she then said that I would be hate it there, parroting back my earlier comments about personal space. She then leaned into me and rubbed her shoulder up my side with so much force that I was pushed into my husband. I icily said, "Excuse me," while my husband gently tapped her on the shoulder to get her off. I was livid. I felt violated. Her true nature in all its ugliness was in full view, and here I was, trapped next to this witch.
Vicky smiled, and changed the subject to her love of tutoring disadvantaged youth in calculus and science. She had touched the subject earlier, while mentioning that she would pursue her passion if it paid a living wage. Note that I come from a family of teachers, and where I live, teachers certainly earn more than a "living wage." I outright asked her what salary she required to pursue her "passion." She quoted $75K per year, which of course is more than many individuals make. I pointed out that she could earn that much as an educator in our state, assuming that she could get hired; though she might have to teach during the summer or tutor on the side. Vicky flashed me a death glare, and changed the subject. Unfortunately my friend didn't notice this exchange, as he was focusing on his gin and tonic.
Vicky continued to single me out, playing her comments off as friendly banter. Assuming that I would be offended (probably thinking I was uptight due to my polite, semi-formal speech, quiet manner, and need for personal space), she began to use profanity. I didn't notice, because I was lost inside my own darkening thoughts. She addressed me again, stating that she shouldn't use profanity in front of me, because I would be offended. I truthfully told her that profanity generally didn't offend me. She didn't believe me, and questioned me while "accidentally" slipping in crude words. With a smirk, I told her that vulgarity usually didn't offend me; after all, I had at one time worked in an adult store. Her face fell for a moment, and she changed the topic again.
As dinner's end neared, Vicky thought to ask my husband how he, my friend, and I first met. My husband obliged, and unfortunately revealed that I had briefly dated my friend, years ago. Vicky pounced on this. From then on she focused all her attention to my friend. When asked for details on his career, he mentioned that he was a software engineer. Knowing nothing of what his professional capabilities actually were, she proceeded to ask for his number under the guise of working together on a project with her group of friends. She gave a brief description of the project and how he might help, and he admitted that he lacked the knowledge needed to do so. She insisted that they exchange numbers anyway. I looked at her boyfriend, and his expression was stony. Not surprisingly, he wanted to leave right after the exchange of numbers, which they did.
My group went to the bar area, but I was still seething with anger. My husband and friend noticed, and my friend said that he had actually picked up on my dislike of Vicky earlier. I shared what I had experienced, hoping that he would see how horrible this woman was. He brushed me off, assuming I was jealous, and even denied the incident during which she physically violated me. My husband acknowledged her actions, but blamed them solely on alcohol.
I feel so many negative emotions in relation to experiencing Vicky. Violated. Humiliated. Denied my voice. Angry that no one seemed seriously concerned by her actions toward me. Frustrated that my friend was so blinded by his infatuation. Depressed that this type of bully- this "mean girl"- will surely treat other women as she treated me.
My husband, my good male friend, and I went to a local restaurant for family style. For those of you who don't know, "family style" is a dining style where individual parties are seated alongside others whom they may not know, and large platters of food are passed around for each guest to take his or her share. The family style I go to also features unlimited wine.
Sometimes family style can be intimidating for my introverted self, but I usually have a lot of fun. That's because usually a lot of good, interesting people come.
My party was seated near a couple, "Paul" and "Vicky." They were just a few years younger than us. Paul was a casual and laid back mechanical engineer student. Vicky was a chemistry student (or "chemist," as she said), attractive, and very extraverted. Until they divulged that they had been dating for five years, and were talking about getting married, I had thought that they were in a very early stage of their relationship. Honestly, they seemed mismatched and awkward together.
Some background: my husband and I have also been told that we seem mismatched. He looks very much like a stereotypical nerd, with the chem-e degree and tech-heavy job to match. I have no degree, shy away from technology, work as a receptionist, have modeled for extra money, and am commonly assumed to possess average or slightly below average intelligence. Yet, we work well together because we always can find something interesting to discuss, have many interests in common, share similar views, and balance each other out. Some people don't look past appearances, though, and we have received some pretty obnoxious comments. So, we understand how frustrating incorrect assumptions based on appearances can be, and consequently try to be open-minded.
Dinner started with Vicky, who was to my immediate left, dominating the conversation. This made me uncomfortable, and I typically found myself at a loss for words when the opportunity arose. To make matters worse, she continually leaned over me to talk to those on my right. Since she talked with her hands a lot, this meant that she was basically waving her hands in my face over and over again. Meanwhile, my friend was clearly infatuated with her. Fine. She was attractive, and also seemed smart, cultured, and funny. (Unfortunately he is also drawn to unattainable women.) I tried to take her conflicting communication style and his fawning over her with a grain of salt, since I had just met this woman, and my friend would never actually hook up with someone else's girlfriend.
My husband noticed my discomfort, and tried to help by bringing up my love of wine tasting. Before I could get two words in, Vicky went on a rant against wine tasting from her "chemist's" perspective. She leaned over me again to address my husband specifically, while I gripped the stem of my glass. Most of what she said was either incorrect or ill-applied, as I quietly verified with my husband. He also said that he got the impression that she was trying to flirt with him, and he never picks up on things like that. My friend, though, had hung on to her every pseudo-intellectual word, and was left even more infatuated. Vicky seemed to drink in his admiring comments. I, however, couldn't help but feel like she was trying to show me up. Perhaps she was used to being the only attractive female in a mostly male environment, and felt threatened? I was starting to get really irritated.
The conversation topic turned to my friend's upcoming trip to Japan. (While he was talking, Vicky was speaking in fluent Spanish to the elderly gentleman on her left about her travels to Europe, and specifically his homeland. He, in turn, repeatedly told her how beautiful she was and offered to buy her drinks.) Paul had been to Japan, and commented how it was ridiculously crowded in comparisons to where we live, and described how people were always pushing up against each other. I stated that I wouldn't deal with that very well, because I have a hard time with my personal space being invaded.
We talked a bit more about Japan, and Vicky interjected to go back to discussing the crowds. Turning to me, she then said that I would be hate it there, parroting back my earlier comments about personal space. She then leaned into me and rubbed her shoulder up my side with so much force that I was pushed into my husband. I icily said, "Excuse me," while my husband gently tapped her on the shoulder to get her off. I was livid. I felt violated. Her true nature in all its ugliness was in full view, and here I was, trapped next to this witch.
Vicky smiled, and changed the subject to her love of tutoring disadvantaged youth in calculus and science. She had touched the subject earlier, while mentioning that she would pursue her passion if it paid a living wage. Note that I come from a family of teachers, and where I live, teachers certainly earn more than a "living wage." I outright asked her what salary she required to pursue her "passion." She quoted $75K per year, which of course is more than many individuals make. I pointed out that she could earn that much as an educator in our state, assuming that she could get hired; though she might have to teach during the summer or tutor on the side. Vicky flashed me a death glare, and changed the subject. Unfortunately my friend didn't notice this exchange, as he was focusing on his gin and tonic.
Vicky continued to single me out, playing her comments off as friendly banter. Assuming that I would be offended (probably thinking I was uptight due to my polite, semi-formal speech, quiet manner, and need for personal space), she began to use profanity. I didn't notice, because I was lost inside my own darkening thoughts. She addressed me again, stating that she shouldn't use profanity in front of me, because I would be offended. I truthfully told her that profanity generally didn't offend me. She didn't believe me, and questioned me while "accidentally" slipping in crude words. With a smirk, I told her that vulgarity usually didn't offend me; after all, I had at one time worked in an adult store. Her face fell for a moment, and she changed the topic again.
As dinner's end neared, Vicky thought to ask my husband how he, my friend, and I first met. My husband obliged, and unfortunately revealed that I had briefly dated my friend, years ago. Vicky pounced on this. From then on she focused all her attention to my friend. When asked for details on his career, he mentioned that he was a software engineer. Knowing nothing of what his professional capabilities actually were, she proceeded to ask for his number under the guise of working together on a project with her group of friends. She gave a brief description of the project and how he might help, and he admitted that he lacked the knowledge needed to do so. She insisted that they exchange numbers anyway. I looked at her boyfriend, and his expression was stony. Not surprisingly, he wanted to leave right after the exchange of numbers, which they did.
My group went to the bar area, but I was still seething with anger. My husband and friend noticed, and my friend said that he had actually picked up on my dislike of Vicky earlier. I shared what I had experienced, hoping that he would see how horrible this woman was. He brushed me off, assuming I was jealous, and even denied the incident during which she physically violated me. My husband acknowledged her actions, but blamed them solely on alcohol.
I feel so many negative emotions in relation to experiencing Vicky. Violated. Humiliated. Denied my voice. Angry that no one seemed seriously concerned by her actions toward me. Frustrated that my friend was so blinded by his infatuation. Depressed that this type of bully- this "mean girl"- will surely treat other women as she treated me.
