Lone Wolf: Why I Sometimes Hate being Sx/Sp

[small.wonder]

Tonight I was painfully reminded of the reasons I dislike my instinctual variants. I figured I'd pour it out here while the wounds are still fresh.

For a week I've been sort of looking forward to a picnic and private concert event I was invited to tonight. I guess I'm a bit crippled by social media in this, but I'm used to the use of Facebook Events, which allows me to see who is going and how many people I know. Tonight's invitation just came via email, so I felt a bit blind. I'm a single female, so that means going to any social event I attend physically alone. This is comfortable for me, but only if I know close friends will be there. If they aren't, I tend to isolate myself and try to fly under the radar-- usually failing miserably at the latter part. The only way that's ever a good situation, is if someone (I've been pretending not to watch) is confident enough to approach me (I can be extremely intimidating when wrapped in my solitude). It's weird but I love it when people march right up to me and break the ice forcefully-- too bad it rarely happens. Usually people are very aware and wary of me, but choose to leave me alone. They must think I like it that way? Because I've experienced the rough side of that a few times now, I try to do my homework ahead of time and only go to events when people I know (or want to know) will be there.

Tonight was not a night that I did my homework, but I still wanted to go. I deeply despise being controlled by any sort of fear, and I felt that strongly tonight when a friend I thought was attending, changed plans last minute. I didn't blame her at all, but more myself for needing someone to meet there. Why should my plans rely on anyone else? That kind of co-dependent mentality is what has gotten me hurt so many times. And here I thought I'd nipped it in the bud. In truth, I think that's why I isolate myself at social gatherings where I know no one well, I'm afraid to come across as needy even in the smallest way. Many many times I've been at social gatherings with tons of acquaintances, but that's not enough for me. If they have not heard my story (and I theirs), if they don't understand (and accept) my insecurities, then I dare not depend on them in a way that may be perceived as co-dependent.

So I remain an isolated Lone Wolf that needs no one. At least socially that is. Behind the scenes, across tables at coffee shops, over dinner, or on a hike, I have true community with individuals and small groups of people who get me. That's where I thrive and truly come alive.

I've come to realize though, Lone Wolf is really just a fancy name for self sabotage.

 

[JAVO]

Lone Wolf was me for much of my life in social situations like this. For me, it was more of a self-perception thing which sometimes limited me. I mostly overcame it by taking the perspective, somewhat as an actor would, that every person I met or even sat near was a great friend I'd known for a long time. I still keep my sp guard up of course, but it goes unnoticed.

Almost everyone is a lone wolf on a hike, especially if the trail is narrow, strenuous, or over even slightly challenging terrain. If you read up a little on some interesting features or history of the trail or the area, you can quickly stand out above the rest of the pack in conversation.

 

[small.wonder]

Hi [MENTION=71]JAVO[/MENTION], thanks for your insight! For some reason I never feel Lone Wolf-ish when in a smaller group or one-on-one-- that's probably part of why I love hiking, camping and outdoor activities so much. It's pretty hard to do any of those things in large groups, or alone. Though I do crave alone time (introvert here), it never makes me feel filled the way being in small company does. It's really just in large groups that I fail.

I'm glad you overcame the Lone Wolf tendency, I have to some extend I suppose.

 

[JAVO]

I'm best described as an ambivert. I find it a bit easier to interact with a smaller group also, but sometimes a large group gives me a greater choice of which smaller group to interact with. I really enjoy hiking and camping too, and also backpacking. I've done quite a few solo backpacking trips, but I find that I actually get a bit too bored to enjoy them as much by myself. I did one this winter where I hiked in, made camp, ate dinner, and then realized that I was both rather bored and wouldn't be sleepy for a while. One other person along is good, but 3-5 is better usually. I've also done large group hikes and backpacking trips with meetup groups. Those were interesting and generally enjoyable. One time, someone got lost for several hours, so that added a bit of interesting drama.

 

[Evo]

[MENTION=17697]small.wonder[/MENTION]

I identify very much with this. It makes me sad, cause I know what you mean about being a lone wolf. I just use my phone as a distraction (or at least to make it look like I'm preoccupied) to that feeling in those situations.

I am wondering though, what are you doing to sabatoge yourself if I may ask? Is it having high expectations?

 

[small.wonder]

[MENTION=71]JAVO[/MENTION] I enjoy shorter hikes alone sometimes, but agree that a few other people joining in is much preferred. Most of my friends work much more structured schedules than I do, so arranging any sort of weekend camping, or even day kayaking/hiking thing can be a challenge. I've often thought about a Meetup thing but am a bit hesitant, I guess I just don't want to end up out in the wilderness with random people. You seem to have had a pretty good experience though, could you expand on that?

[MENTION=64]Intari Love[/MENTION] I'm sorry you deal with this too, but glad that you've chimed in. Thanks.
It makes me more frustrated than sad, but both I suppose. If at an event with others I know, my "pre-occupation" is usually joining whatever conversation they are already part of-- I've realized this can be good in that it allows me to meet the other people involved in the conversation in a casual way. Once I've done so, it's effortless for me to open up completely to those I just met. It's something about being acknowledged and given the green light that they want to know me. It sounds dumb, but I kind of require that confirmation before I open up-- as soon as I get it, all walls are down instantly. When I'm alone in a social gathering, I get this overwhelming feeling of not being wanted/allowed there. I know it's a lie, but it's a very visceral, bodily feeling that's hard to kill. The only thing that's remedied this is someone coming right up to me, this has been rare (read: only twice) and usually requires someone who is extremely secure or confidant. I can open up to those people at the drop of a hat if I feel they are sincere.

I self sabotage in many ways, but specifically in this context by not allowing myself to be open and approachable (thus convincing people that I don't want to know them, when I DO!) I do this in two ways really:

1. Not willing to strike up a conversation with a specific person I'm interested in and have previously sought out, for fear that they will find me clingy or needy.
2. Not willing to join a random group conversation (even when it includes people I'm acquainted with) mostly because I don't know how. Haha, if I've tried it's usually awkward and I say something like "I'm going to join this conversation now." Le sigh.

The only time people intentionally aproached me (other than the aforementioned two), was when I accidently stood on the wrong side of an info booth. Really.

 

[JAVO]

[MENTION=17697]small.wonder[/MENTION]: I know, it is difficult to plan things with my friends too. Mostly because none of them are as into hiking/backpacking as I am. That's why I've started mostly depending on groups of strangers for social outdoorsy things. I've done many day hikes and 1-2 night backpacking trips with meetup groups. Those groups have been with anywhere from 2 to 25 others. One time I even organized a trip because it was in the winter, and no one else seemed to be thinking of spending time outside for some reason. The larger groups included quite a few females. I don't think anyone was uncomfortable with anyone else for any reason, although I did hear of one large backpacking meetup group whose leader now carefully screens people because they've had a few rare people who have caused problems. I've also went with a group of about 10 people from a local backpacking site once without meeting any of them. In 2012, I did a three day winter trip in the UP of Michigan with one retired guy I had never met and only talked with by email briefly. It was just the two of us, so that could've been awkward and challenging if we didn't get along well.

I've never met anyone on a trip I was more than mildly annoyed with, but that was a large group, so individuals are easy to ignore. On one trip, one guy brought his pit bull dog. The dog thought he owned the trail, and would shove people aside, like "Ima pit bull. Whatcha gonna do about?". lol Some of these trails were narrow on steep mountain sides, but I didn't mind. It was just one more thing to keep a lookout for, and that list already included slippery mud, bears, yellow jacket nests in the middle of the trail, and other hikers flailing their trekking poles unpredictably.

 

[Evo]

[MENTION=17697]small.wonder[/MENTION] I see. Well I'm all about the underdog and I totally approach ppl that are alone. I hate leaving people out....even if I don't know them. It's like it's a sin in my eyes....the worst thing ever...that's why it sucks because I am often the person left out...I think that's why i find it sad :/ Cause unless you've wronged me...i try to make a deep connection with someone...and I too will open up if someone walks up to me.

 

[Evil Otter]

Yeah I consider myself to be a bit of a lone wolf too. And as a single male I guess it's not as much of a bad thing, most people just assume that I'm "mysterious". But I have found that I can be very social in small doses as long as I am allowed some time by myself to recoup.

Generally though when I find myself in one of those situations where I don't know anyone and don't have anyone specific that I want to meet (read: an attractive girl) then I just leave because I have no vested interest in it. And in the situation where there is, say, an attractive girl then I usually decide based on what information I have how I will handle it. If I have never seen her before and may never again, I go up to her and say "hi" and see what happens. If I see her there all the time or know her elsewhere (like from a class) then I try to play it by ear, still say "hi" but if she seems confused as to who I am then I'll simply note where I know her from and leave it at that so as not to come across as a creepy stalker. If she seems receptive though and already knows who I am then I'll stick around and see where it goes. But once again the second it stops progressing and assuming I have no other reason to be there I leave

 

[mergewithgod]

Aloha small.wonder...Appreciate your willingness to give aire to you inner thinking process's....suggest that you allow yourself to explore the "needy" or "co-dependent" parts of yourself that you work hard to avoid... yah never know whats hiding there and it could be something good...like vulnerability, for instance.. or desire...maybe fear of being trapped by what feels like your "needy self" if you allowed yourself to feel connection...my guess is that you will be able to handle whatever comes up because of your trait of introspection and staying aware of self....You could continue to wait for others to "knock on your door" but that is a very very slow process...and feeds a passive side...that's not necessarily a bad thing if you choose it consciously and are aware of its limitations...I like you clothing style and your physical presence is lovely...remind me of Leslie Anne Warren in the movie "Choose Me".. one of my all time favorites