[MBTI General] ISTJ-ENFP Relationship Starter (Help!)

[Lady_X]

well...i edited that part out of my post actually...haha...it did read as long as i could tell it was a sweet respectful think and not a belittling weaker sex thing...but decided that was unnecessary negativity...so i deleted it. it was funny to then read hers that said the same thing.

 

[Amargith]

Well, doing things like that are definitley my nature. How would I make sure she knows that's why I did it? I would not do it to "score points".. in fact, I pity the fool who would think such a thing. I link that talk to someone who just interested in one thing. However, I look at girls/women as human beings, not sex objects... I don't even really like it when guys say "she is hot!" but I know it's just a saying that has evolved from pop-culture (read my siggy ). Anyhow, I am full aware that the nice guy tends to finish last.

Yes amargith, that is the response she seems to give me "I might be going to do such and such so I'll have to get back to you on that"... and so far, I havn't. That is why my instincts are telling me that we need to be in eachother's presence at least enough to make it so we are more comfortable around eachother. As I said before, I have heard that she is very "quiet" (which I interpret as shy) and, as we now all know, I am VERY shy. Do you think that is a good thing?

How can you and Erin have such differing thoughts about the commitment thing and the chivalry thing? I guess we need a third ENFP input here? Where's Wild when you need her?!

Oh, and I was just kidding about the wubbie face!

*smiles* Coz we're still individuals.

I personally don't like chivalry when it makes me feel like he's indulging me and I had better appreciate it. It makes me feel like I owe him something, or even worse, that he thinks I cannot take care of myself. However, when I know a guy well, and know it's just his giving nature that makes him do that, I appreciate it all the more, as I know he won't expect anything in return and he knows me well enough to not consider me weak.

As for the commitment thing, don't get discouraged. The best thing is to keep suggesting dates, in a casual way, without being pushy. I'm personally incredibly bad at telling you when I'll be available. And it is far better to suggest a specific time than to let me choose, as well. For that matter, I'd suggest a day, and when she says: I'll get back to you on that.", just tell her: sure, why don't you text me if you have time that day. And if you're really tired, we can still do it another night, or just cuddle up in the couch and watch some videos, if you prefer." That way, it's casual, it's on her terms and she doesn't have to worry about feeling up to whatever was planned, as everything is adaptable to her mood.

yes, I realize this is sooooo not who you are. But it might get you what you want....We like doing the thing we feel like when we feel like it. That means that commitment and planning might cause stress in the future, as it might so not be what we feel like doing at that particular time. Some of us are less affected by this than others, such as Erin. She seems to be a bit more like me, though... Or she literally is going nuts with all the responsibilities she has right now, and cannot handle yet another commitment, however fond she is of you, as she needs some time to regenerate

 

[d@v3]

I enjoy chivalry as long as it is never suggested that it was because I was incapable of doing something myself.

And Erin is totally better at saying shit than me, but yes, that is what I am trying to say. Take her suggestions and fill in the necessary blanks to make plans.

If you ever catch her using worst case scenarios to avoid a situation, just remind her of possible good outcomes. ENFPs are fairly adaptable. She will definitely appreciate a "we have no idea where this is going lets just hope for the best" approach to a relationship.

lol that is the problem, my instincts are very limited in these situations! As I have never actually had to go through this. I will tell you though, this girl is different from any other I have met- she is all the time very nice, and smiling. I remember thinking to myself when I first saw her last November 'surely a girl like that has a boyfriend, now what would I have to do to get a date with a girl like that?'...... and what do ya know, she "friends" me on facebook, we start talking alot, she give me her number, and here I am struggling to find the words, tearing into the abyss of the internet for help! [and thank you all by the way, you have seriously been VERY helpful!] So how am I supposed to suggest a date without pressuring her? How am I supposed to say "let's just hope for the best" when I don't know if she is even hoping at all? I can't just bluntly ask her...

If I do decide upon this chivalrous act, how can I make sure she doesn't take my actions the wrong way?

lol Erin, you are now jipping me out of information, don't you know your getting paid by the hour for this?!

 

[Tiny Army]

Man, I'm sure this can be hard for an ISTJ, but ENFPs are pretty perceptive and I'm usually pretty forward about when I'm offended (Though my boyfriend is pointing out that this might be the type 7 part of my personality). If you're a chivalrous kind of guy, I'm sure she'll catch on and like the attention. If she doesn't like it, she'll let you know!


I find it easier to plan dates when I don't have to pick the activity. Just try asking her "Do you want to do _______ with me sometime? Would some day this weekend be good for you?"

This way you've already done most of the work, she just has to choose whether she wants to go and when it'll be. If she's not sure if she's free try suggesting time blocks like "Saturday evening" or "Sunday afternoon." You will be fulfilling the role she usually plays in social situations and it will probably be refreshing while not making her feel cornered.

 

[Laurie]

I'm personally very ambigious about chivalry. When a guy does it coz he feels that it's his duty or he can score points with it, I don't like it. But when it's something that's inherent to his nature, I find it sweet.

This is so true. It goes with compliments too, if you don't feel it it's not even going to register as a compliment to me.

 

[Lady_X]

yeah...we really know when someone is genuine or not but from my experience you can just tell it's the nature of the istj...you can tell that it's a gentlemanly thing...no worries...that's why i said be yourself...in person i'm a great judge of character...i can be friends with anyone usually but as far as going out with someone...totally selective and they have to be genuine and honestly see me as their equal...and being a gentleman, i appreciate.

 

[d@v3]

Well, I guess I'm just going to have to trust her instincts to figure it out and I guess I will have to be a little more open ended when asking her to commit to something. That's easier said than done for me!

 

[Nillerz]

As an ISTJ, your job is to be evil and spiteful of the world. Stay away from that young precious ENFP lady. >:C

 

[Wild horses]

Aww so wouldn't worry about being shy Dave.. she will so see it as cute! And as for the commiting to things in advance I'm kinda with Amargith esp if she really likes you... The 'logic' is this if she wants to have a super time and make a good impression she wants the timing of the date to be perfect we are just so changeable that we can't predict this too far in advance... also family commitments can be heard as we're always trying to please evryone!

 

[d@v3]

As an ISTJ, your job is to be evil and spiteful of the world. Stay away from that young precious ENFP lady. >:C

LOL! If only it were that easy!


Wild- I understand what you are saying, she is an only child and the time she doesn't spend on her studies it seems she is ALWAYS with her family. I believe she has very strict parents as well. Just my luck I pick the worst girl in the school to pursue..... you ENFP's and your smiles! They are evil entrapments! Why did she have to smile and look me in the eyes in the first place?! I'm just an innocent man in this whole mess!

 

[swordpath]

As an ISTJ, your job is to be evil and spiteful of the world. Stay away from that young precious ENFP lady. >:C

 

[d@v3]

ENFP's and I are like a moth to a flame.... I just can't stop playing with fire! I agree with you guys though.... I know I should just stay away, but I can't force myself to stop!

 

[swordpath]

ENFP's and I are like a moth to a flame.... I just can't stop playing with fire! I agree with you guys though.... I know I should just stay away, but I can't force myself to stop!

That's not true... Fuck the haters. You aren't one of those gloomy/negative (me) ISTJs that are bad for the ENFP.

 

[Lady_X]

anyone can do well together if you can choose to accept them how they are and not try to change them...i think...i mean...as long as you like each other don't let your petty differences spoil it.

 

[Habba]

The ENFP has an Extroverted Intuition (Ne), where as the ISTJ has the opposite Introverted Sensing (Si).

Even though you'd think you'd be cool with her being different, have you really thought it through? Where the Si is the ultimate saver, protector and preserver, Ne is an opportunist, spender and free spirit. Conflicts are sure to emerge. Even though you probably would not lash out or openly criticize her "negative" features, it would be burden to the relationship.

We Si like to plan things in advance, we like to know what's coming, and we like to preserve what we think is worth protecting. Ne however would see things kind of mindset as boring, rigid and restricting. They don't plan how to have fun, they just act on their instincts. They don't value the safe and predictable life we Si hold dear. They _love_ change, they _love_ the unpredictable.

How would you feel, if one day after a long hard day at work, you'd come home and notice that someone has completely re-decorated your living room... and quite inefficiently, according to Feng Shui. And it wasn't cheap.

Well, I may be exaggerating a little bit... But the bottom line is, Si hates not knowing in advance, while Ne hates planning things. On every-day basis, it can be really annoying.

Yet... I too can't stop thinking of those ENFPs... how can they be so fuzzy and warm and cute and fun and nice and...

 

[Habba]

And to whomever said we SJs can't type, I give you an angry (well, as angry as my ISTJ-type allows me) look. I've typed people correctly with just few photos shown to me! Then again, I have some highly developed N qualities in me...

EDIT: Oh, and sorry for multi-posting... But just wanted to add for Davey that you shouldn't give up, regardless what people (and I ) have said here. Just be careful not to force the issue on her... and try to get along with the unknown, because with ENFP you'll get a lot of it.

 

[Wild horses]

Yea we do tend to smile with wide *insane* eyes LOL! As I say I have had great relationships with the ISTJs in my life. Also a note on her being an only child... If you think that she tries to be all things to all people then in her family this will translate to being about 10 children to her parents. It's very difficult and she probably finds it hard to exert her will. If she has very strict parents so much the worse I'm afraid. Putting all this together i would be more inclined to suggest that she does in fact like you and that her reasons for not going out have in fact been genuine! Hope it helps

 

[Amargith]

Aww, Habba, granted, friction is likely, but I'd say that if you both are mature enough to give each other enough personal space and recognize together as a team who's capabilities are best suited for each situation, you have one awesome team.

For the record, as much as we enjoy our freedom provided by our Ne, it is very comforting to know that an ISTJ will provide you with the sense of safety and even predictability which can be immensly grounding and nurturing. Hence I'd say the attraction is mutual (just ask WH )

If you keep her safe from the world, she'll gladly entertain while showing you that same world in a way you've never imagined.

 

[Habba]

Aww, Habba, granted, friction is likely, but I'd say that if you both are mature enough to give each other enough personal space and recognize together as a team who's capabilities are best suited for each situation, you have one awesome team.

If I can't have my ENFP, no one shouldn't!

 

[Amargith]

If I can't have my ENFP, no one shouldn't!

Seriously, is there an ISTJ here that doesn't hunt ENFPs in his spare time?