Internal Ponderings

[Secretsoul]

My internal torments go far beyond my past experiences. I am wracked with a burden of knowledge, intellect, and an estrangement from my fellow man. I will never fit in with them, although being alone in my solitude is often a blessing, albeit tumultuous internally. I've had quite a few people I've know who were murdered, broken, and used/abused by those closest to them. My estrangement slightly suffers me this reality.I do not wish to harm myself, although I do like a few forms of pain, this internal conflict has become my solace in a way. It's at the very least something known and familiar. Causing yourself external pain just exhibits an insurmountable internal pain, manifested in the physical sense, and really denotes the weakness/breaking point of said individual. I am not choosing to be so existential in my pursuits of knowledge, it's always just been so, I have my moments of weaknesses as well. But this is more than a simple spark of interest nor a pursuit in self-discovery (although it is an inevitable consequence of this expedition). No this is a compelling, all-consuming, need. Almost like finding and defining my existence is what constitutes my existence. But it is driving me towards a perception warp where reality, fiction, fantasy, and the very black and white components of life, warp and everything is an inseparable shade of grey. Nothing is ever as it appears, there is always something more to said object or ideal, and my entirety is dependent upon discovering this origin. For example; all matter can be broken down until it's reduced to a single atom but there are exceptions to this; anti-matter and dark matter for instance. I'm essentially on an internally-driven quest for the origins/meaning behind the "anti-matter" of my existence, and until I can piece this together, I'll view life with a Nihilist implication. All is nothing, and nothing is all. Everything is utterly pointless and devoid of meaning.
What do I want? Well... Creature comforts; wealth, fame, fortune, infamy, and beauty are of little interest to me. They're fallible and limited by perception and time. I'm not certain that I want immortality, at least that defined within the realms of religion or fantasy. Why live in an eternity defined by someone else? Although, I will never be able to acertain that my sense of self is my own, rather than reactions to external factors. Nonetheless, I wouldn't want to find myself within another societal chain, ruled by those with power, being imposed upon by laws that don't conicide with my own beliefs. I don't want peace really. Conflict and pain have become formidable friends of mine, nearly a definition of myself. I guess I want a purpose with definition. Something beyond this shared linear track towards death, eternity, or reincarnation. More, more, more.... I am nothing but human after all! Why do I deserve more than what humanity offers? Why not just accept that my life will end and that the ending will be nothing in the way of prolific? I will be nothing more than another human in a conglomerate of mediocrity and profoundness will ever be a reality I'll know?

The search for ultimate self-consciousness, "personal identity," often leads into philosophy, sometimes toward answers provided by subjective idealism, e. g., the unity of consciousness, immanent time-consciousness (Kant); and sometimes by answers offered by existentialism, e. g., the meaninglessness of individual human existence, e. g., the myth of Sisyphus, the nothingness of consciousness (Nietzsche, Sartre); or toward that interior "black, empty center of awareness" (Golding). Be careful; the depths of Loneliness, The Well of Loneliness(Radclyffe Hall) is a bottomless pit that leads to innervation and destruction (Machen, The Hill of Dreams).