[MBTI General] INF's and Vulnerability

[Southern Kross]

INF's are famous for feeling emotions very, very, very deeply, but being extremely guarded when it comes to expressing them, or revealing their dark side.

Today, I was talking with my friend when I brought up the point that I ended up in psychotherapy twice before I turned twelve. Immediately after saying that, I realized I shouldn't have and clammed up. But, she soon asks "Why?!"

I sort of did that awkward giggle and said "You don't want to know!" Hoping she would get the hint that that REALLY meant "I don't want to talk about it. I shouldn't have brought it up. Leave me alone!"

She replies: "Actually I do. That's WHY I asked!"

So I told her. And after I did. I immediately felt like I may as well be standing naked in front of her. It sounds odd, but I feel like our friendship can't ever be the same again. I fear she'll no longer think of me as fun, quirky and eccentric Jenny, but rather creepy, dark and unstable Jenny.

Weather or not she is still even thinking about this is beyond me. But, I feel like all the walls have been torn down and she now knows that I do, in fact, have a dark side. I hate this vulnerable feeling.


Also, I usually refrain from letting anyone read my poetry or creative writing things, not because they're bad, but because I don't want them to know what I'm really feeling.

I don't know, I guess that's all I have to say for now.


Comments? Questions? Relate? Can't relate? Exclamations? Complaints?

Throw 'em here.

Totally relate. It happens to me occasionally and I accidently let out more than I intended. Same goes with the creative stuff... its like letting people inside my head

For me, revealing that sort of information is like showing your Achilles heal and handing a poisoned arrow to an enemy; putting the one weapon that can penetrate your armour in the hands of others and hoping they won't use it against you. Seriously scary.

From what I understand, most INFPs go to great lengths to avoid this in reaction to being burned too often growing up due to our natural vulnerability and sensitivity. Personally, I endured a lot of bullying when I was younger and I learned the only way I could remotely control the situation was to withhold my feelings and pretend like I wasn't bothered by it. Showing it hurt never gave me any catharsis and only ever made things MUCH WORSE. This makes it sound like I have serious trust issues but what can I do? Even as an adult, I very rarely have positive experiences when I vaguely let down my guard and open up. I am actually really keen to tell people these deeply private things but I don't feel safe enough around them to do so.

The internet strangely makes things easier. Its easier to endure being judged and criticized on the net than having it said to my face. That said, I still hold a lot back...

 

[ScentlessApprentice]

Or I'll take the way somebody looked at me, and think "Oh my gosh! Did you see the way they looked at me? They don't like me. They're going to do something bad! NOOO!"

Yeah I definitely get that. I usually get those sort of feelings more from people's verbal reactions to what I said. I'm really terrible at understanding gestures and facial expressions and such so I normally just go off of what's being said. But I guess that leaves me in the dark about what they're true feelings could be.

 

[PsychedelicPlatypus]

My mom (INFP) and I are both very emotionally guarded. We will open up to people we are close to occasionally, but only on our terms. My granny has a habit of asking questions to elicit information that she hasn't actually asked us...like trying to manipulate us into telling her things without really coming out and asking us. It annoys the crap out us because we instantly know what's going on, resent it, and answer in a very dry yes/no manner, refusing to play the game lol

 

[Random Ness]

So I told her. And after I did. I immediately felt like I may as well be standing naked in front of her. It sounds odd, but I feel like our friendship can't ever be the same again. I fear she'll no longer think of me as fun, quirky and eccentric Jenny, but rather creepy, dark and unstable Jenny.

I know (and we all know) this feeling. I told my ex about all the problems I had with our relationship because I wanted to work things out, but we ended up breaking up right after I told her (before then I had been all guarded and secret about everything). It's like I stood completely naked in front of her for nothing. We're supposed to be just friends now, but I can't interact with her the same way again.

The only reason I feel comfortable sharing any of this here is because I don't know any of you guys personally, so it wouldn't effect how you already think of me. Just in case I'm sounding ironic or somehow hypocritical.

It's okay, I do the same thing.

 

[Razvan]

Totally relate. It happens to me occasionally and I accidently let out more than I intended. Same goes with the creative stuff... its like letting people inside my head

For me, revealing that sort of information is like showing your Achilles heal and handing a poisoned arrow to an enemy; putting the one weapon that can penetrate your armour in the hands of others and hoping they won't use it against you. Seriously scary.

From what I understand, most INFPs go to great lengths to avoid this in reaction to being burned too often growing up due to our natural vulnerability and sensitivity. Personally, I endured a lot of bullying when I was younger and I learned the only way I could remotely control the situation was to withhold my feelings and pretend like I wasn't bothered by it. Showing it hurt never gave me any catharsis and only ever made things MUCH WORSE. This makes it sound like I have serious trust issues but what can I do? Even as an adult, I very rarely have positive experiences when I vaguely let down my guard and open up. I am actually really keen to tell people these deeply private things but I don't feel safe enough around them to do so.

The internet strangely makes things easier. Its easier to endure being judged and criticized on the net than having it said to my face. That said, I still hold a lot back...

Eh, bullies are idiots, you should not care just for this fact. Idiots are not worth the trouble and the emotions. I know you can't control how you feel in that moment, but it's a good thing to keep in mind in the healing process.

I know (and we all know) this feeling. I told my ex about all the problems I had with our relationship because I wanted to work things out, but we ended up breaking up right after I told her (before then I had been all guarded and secret about everything). It's like I stood completely naked in front of her for nothing. We're supposed to be just friends now, but I can't interact with her the same way again.

It's okay, I do the same thing.

I know how hard it is to come open and share our feelings and our deepest inner thoughts, there are a lot of things about me I keep private, that nobody knows, however, with those few special people in our lives it's best to come open with any things that bother us, so I think you did great in what you did because if somebody cannot take you for who you are understand what bothers you, well at least you have cut yourself short a few years of pain and torture, because they probably never would anyway. And the same for musicnerd93, if people cannot accept you for who you are and judge you, well, screw them! At least you will know who you can call a true friend and who you should keep away. It's hard for me too, but generally I prefer to be honest and tell everything about myself to those few close friends I know I can trust. I let them in gradually and if they pass the first level I let them in to the next and so on. Some things maybe I wait for a proper moment to put them into a context... I don't know, after all this year (and I was probably the same in my teens) I came to realise that there is no point in trying to hide the things that define me, just to be liked more. It's a strugle, but I try to live by this, it saves me time with people who don't deserve to be around me.

 

[Random Ness]

I know how hard it is to come open and share our feelings and our deepest inner thoughts, there are a lot of things about me I keep private, that nobody knows, however, with those few special people in our lives it's best to come open with any things that bother us, so I think you did great in what you did because if somebody cannot take you for who you are understand what bothers you, well at least you have cut yourself short a few years of pain and torture, because they probably never would anyway.

Hmmm you do? I still feel like I should have given her a summary first, and then if she wanted to stay together and work things out, the details. But I guess you're supposed to open up a lot in a relationship anyway, and it was my fault for not bringing up the issues before.

Regardless, you made me feel better about what I said. Thank you.

It's hard for me too, but generally I prefer to be honest and tell everything about myself to those few close friends I know I can trust. I let them in gradually and if they pass the first level I let them in to the next and so on. Some things maybe I wait for a proper moment to put them into a context... I don't know, after all this year (and I was probably the same in my teens) I came to realise that there is no point in trying to hide the things that define me, just to be liked more. It's a strugle, but I try to live by this, it saves me time with people who don't deserve to be around me.

Hmm that sounds good. Gradually opening up to them if you trust them enough. Then if you find you're not comfortable being on the openess level you are with them, do you go back a level and leave the relationship at that? It sucks if you find out you shouldn't be as close to someone as you are...but it sucks more if you never give anyone a chance to be open too, I guess.

 

[HighwayChild]

INF's are famous for feeling emotions very, very, very deeply, but being extremely guarded when it comes to expressing them, or revealing their dark side.

Today, I was talking with my friend when I brought up the point that I ended up in psychotherapy twice before I turned twelve. Immediately after saying that, I realized I shouldn't have and clammed up. But, she soon asks "Why?!"

I sort of did that awkward giggle and said "You don't want to know!" Hoping she would get the hint that that REALLY meant "I don't want to talk about it. I shouldn't have brought it up. Leave me alone!"

She replies: "Actually I do. That's WHY I asked!"

So I told her. And after I did. I immediately felt like I may as well be standing naked in front of her. It sounds odd, but I feel like our friendship can't ever be the same again. I fear she'll no longer think of me as fun, quirky and eccentric Jenny, but rather creepy, dark and unstable Jenny.

Weather or not she is still even thinking about this is beyond me. But, I feel like all the walls have been torn down and she now knows that I do, in fact, have a dark side. I hate this vulnerable feeling.


Also, I usually refrain from letting anyone read my poetry or creative writing things, not because they're bad, but because I don't want them to know what I'm really feeling.

I don't know, I guess that's all I have to say for now.


Comments? Questions? Relate? Can't relate? Exclamations? Complaints?

Throw 'em here.

Can relate, especially try not to reveal too much dark side unless it's someone I've carefully chosen and would tell that they could appreciate the "other side". Still, can't help but let the dark shine out unintentionally from time to time. Kind of makes me nervous when someone notices it though.

takes me awhile to completely trust. Even if I'm trying to be reasonable in my head about how I have no reason not to trust them and stuff. I won't go into too much detail on that one.
Am slightly hesitant at times to express my inner feelings, but that's because I am wondering too hard about what they will think about them. I'll express them anyway, and end up feeling naked and uncomfortable. But with the right people, it's like they may throw you a jacket to cover up with and you feel all warm, closer, and happy that you did strip down a little bit. They liked what they saw. It's hit or miss at times. Usually though, I can sometimes read people easy and undertand beforehand that if they'd be the type who'd appreciates a deep conversation involving vulnerable feelings, or the dark stuff. Some people just seem to illuminate with that kind of vibe whether they intentionally express it or not. I wonder if I'm like that. Think so, but hope not, all the time at least. Feel all exposed and naked.

 

[Razvan]

Hmmm you do? I still feel like I should have given her a summary first, and then if she wanted to stay together and work things out, the details. But I guess you're supposed to open up a lot in a relationship anyway, and it was my fault for not bringing up the issues before.

Regardless, you made me feel better about what I said. Thank you.

You're welcome, I'm happy it made you feel better. Well, you have to find your own way to open up and the way feel comfortable doing it. If you feel more comfortable giving just a summary first, you should try that in the future. All I'm saying is, I don't think it's a bad thing to let those special people closer and closer to your inner self. I mean, in order to make a relationship become deep and meaningful, you have to show them who you are, how you do in certain situation, what you love, what bothers you and so on. You cannot do that if you don't communicate and they will never be able to know you in that deep way and possibly you will maybe loose an opportunity to make a great friend. Yeah, there is also the risk of getting hurt, that's why it's always good to have a group of really close freinds (even one should be enough) to help you bounce back in. And also learning to deal with bad things in a positive way, accepting them and moving on really helps I guess so the 2 things going together can help you take advantage of those opportunities...and you should do it in your own rhythm.

Hmm that sounds good. Gradually opening up to them if you trust them enough. Then if you find you're not comfortable being on the openess level you are with them, do you go back a level and leave the relationship at that? It sucks if you find out you shouldn't be as close to someone as you are...but it sucks more if you never give anyone a chance to be open too, I guess.

Well, that's a tricky one. Yeah, you've said it like I think it. you go back a step or two till a zone you feel comfortable again. And yeah, I think so too, not trying is even worse, because of the torment of always wondering "what if". If you have tried, at least now you know. And unfortunately, I learned this the hard way. I guess, maybe this is why extroverts have an advantage here, their social skills and interaction with people makes it easier for them to try.

 

[Random Ness]

You're welcome, I'm happy it made you feel better. Well, you have to find your own way to open up and the way feel comfortable doing it. If you feel more comfortable giving just a summary first, you should try that in the future. All I'm saying is, I don't think it's a bad thing to let those special people closer and closer to your inner self. I mean, in order to make a relationship become deep and meaningful, you have to show them who you are, how you do in certain situation, what you love, what bothers you and so on. You cannot do that if you don't communicate and they will never be able to know you in that deep way and possibly you will maybe loose an opportunity to make a great friend. Yeah, there is also the risk of getting hurt, that's why it's always good to have a group of really close freinds (even one should be enough) to help you bounce back in. And also learning to deal with bad things in a positive way, accepting them and moving on really helps I guess so the 2 things going together can help you take advantage of those opportunities...and you should do it in your own rhythm.

Well, that's a tricky one. Yeah, you've said it like I think it. you go back a step or two till a zone you feel comfortable again. And yeah, I think so too, not trying is even worse, because of the torment of always wondering "what if". If you have tried, at least now you know. And unfortunately, I learned this the hard way.

You make me feel warm and fuzzy.

 

[tibby]

Can relate, especially try not to reveal too much dark side unless it's someone I've carefully chosen and would tell that they could appreciate the "other side". Still, can't help but let the dark shine out unintentionally from time to time. Kind of makes me nervous when someone notices it though.

takes me awhile to completely trust. Even if I'm trying to be reasonable in my head about how I have no reason not to trust them and stuff. I won't go into too much detail on that one.
Am slightly hesitant at times to express my inner feelings, but that's because I am wondering too hard about what they will think about them. I'll express them anyway, and end up feeling naked and uncomfortable. But with the right people, it's like they may throw you a jacket to cover up with and you feel all warm, closer, and happy that you did strip down a little bit. They liked what they saw. It's hit or miss at times. Usually though, I can sometimes read people easy and undertand beforehand that if they'd be the type who'd appreciates a deep conversation involving vulnerable feelings, or the dark stuff. Some people just seem to illuminate with that kind of vibe whether they intentionally express it or not. I wonder if I'm like that. Think so, but hope not, all the time at least. Feel all exposed and naked.

+1 yes!

I do want it all. I want to share everything and want someone to share their everything with me too. I don't think there is anything wrong with vulnerability as long as people are being honest. It's cruel to look at yourself and your flaws in the mirror and accept this is who I am, but once you've done it and hidden nothing it's an empowering experience I would think, you control your vulnerabilities then. And there's no better mirror than other people... So I've revealed, I've been bare, but I've grown, and keep hopefully growing. Once you get something out of your system and someone goes "Meh wasn't so bad" it kind of goes away, you know?

But I choose these people carefully, like you said, I let them in bit by bit, layer by layer, and from their reactions I'll go on revealing a bit more. I am a little melodramatic, sort of like "Here it is, take it or leave it" - vomit.

But after each I feel closer to the person, if they keep up. It takes massive amounts of patience from them though.... I have so many defenses and fears, but, at least I try to be honest about them these days. And the results have been better than ever.

Viva le vulnerability.

And hey, have you ever thought someone might actually really love what you're doing when you're revealing and bare and naked, because it eases them to let their own guard down and trust you? I know I love this, and admire people who do it. Openness ><=> openness.

 

[musicnerd93]

Tibby:And hey, have you ever thought someone might actually really love what you're doing when you're revealing and bare and naked, because it eases them to let their own guard down and trust you? I know I love this, and admire people who do it.

Haha. Yes, I love when people confide in me as well. I suppose it's a little bit of a hypocrisy thing, then. I want to help you, but I don't want you to help me. It is an admirable trait, I certainly admire people who bare their feelings. But, when I myself do it, it just feels wrong. I don't know. lol.

 

[Razvan]

You make me feel warm and fuzzy.

I like it when I have this effect on people. It makes me, feel warm and fuzzy.

Haha. Yes, I love when people confide in me as well. I suppose it's a little bit of a hypocrisy thing, then. I want to help you, but I don't want you to help me. It is an admirable trait, I certainly admire people who bare their feelings. But, when I myself do it, it just feels wrong. I don't know. lol.

Yeah, me too, I am really afraid that I will be either judged, or misunderstood or scare people away with the intensity of my feelings.

 

[Lux]

I have also real, real trouble revealing much about me. I just don't. The problem is obviously when you don't reveal anything about you, then it stands in the way for a deeper relationship between two persons I guess...

This is what I have found. When I was a teenager and in my early twenties I was very guarded. Now however, I realized (the hard way) that in order to feel the connection I so crave with some people I absolutely have to share that part of me as well, otherwise they don't really know you.. you don't really let them in, and there is usually something missing (for me.) I obviously don't share my very personal thoughts and feelings with everyone or even many people, but that's what makes the ones I do share with special to me. At first it was uncomfortable to share such an intimate portion of myself, but I am so glad that I did. I have developed the best relationships I've ever had with a few people. They wouldn't be as wonderful if I not opened up. I will say it is still hard at times for me and it is an ongoing project of mine. The feeling of someone accepting you even when they see the 'darker side' is just beautiful.

 

[tibby]

The feeling of someone accepting you even when they see the 'darker side' is just beautiful.

I absolutely concur.

 

[musicnerd93]

Me too! ^ So romantic. Hahaha.

 

[Lady_X]

Haha. Yes, I love when people confide in me as well. I suppose it's a little bit of a hypocrisy thing, then. I want to help you, but I don't want you to help me. It is an admirable trait, I certainly admire people who bare their feelings. But, when I myself do it, it just feels wrong. I don't know. lol.

damn... me too

 

[KDude]

I love help.. but it does feel weird just outright asking. When someone starts wanting to get a little personal (even if I trust them), I start beating around the bush a lot. Some interaction with other NFJ's I've known becomes slightly stalemated too..where we both think we see something about the other to help them with. OTOH, this has happened with ISFJs too.

 

[whynot]

There is something very big and real to fear: there are people in this world who will become intimate with you, learn a lot about you, then turn around and judge you for it and/or use it against you.

This JUST happened to me. About 5 years ago, I told an old friend of mine about the most awful thing that's ever happened to me. Just recently, I find out she twisted the story around and used it against me to gossip to a bunch of asshole girls. Granted, it wasn't worse than anything they've gone through or done, but that wasn't why I was upset. I was upset because it was f'n personal. And no matter how much we don't get along now, there are still things she had told me in the past that I would never have the heart to disclose to anyone else. What pissed me off most, was that I knew better! I was trying to give her the benefit of the doubt. Never will I do that again. My boyfriend on the other hand, he knows everything about me and I know everything about him... and I love it. No judgement, just support.

Haha. Yes, I love when people confide in me as well. I suppose it's a little bit of a hypocrisy thing, then. I want to help you, but I don't want you to help me. It is an admirable trait, I certainly admire people who bare their feelings. But, when I myself do it, it just feels wrong. I don't know. lol.

I feel like I have to constantly show I'm strong. Any ounce of weakness makes me feel way too vulnerable, unless I'm using an example in order to relate to someone who is really confiding in me. Then I will discuss only small issues, nothing really personal. I love when people feel safe enough to talk with me.

I can relate.

I would share more, but you know... I'm guarded about my emotions.

yep

 

[Synapse]

There is something very big and real to fear: there are people in this world who will become intimate with you, learn a lot about you, then turn around and judge you for it and/or use it against you. My father is a prime example -- anything he knows about anyone gets turned around and used against them, like a knife. It can be good or bad, but heaven forbid it be something embarrassing or shameful in the eyes of society.

Intense emotions, sensitivity, and vulnerability are seen as flaws in our society. Maybe we don't want to deal with the judgment, so we withhold these parts of ourselves. I don't think it's necessarily bad, just incredibly exhausting when there's no one around with whom you can "drop the facade". That being said... people are real and more accepting than I'm estimating... but if you are too nice / sensitive, people WILL walk all over you knowing you won't fight back...

This is true to an extent.

Until the point of references reasserts back to a restful state of good where you can trust in your positive self essence.

Having known what its like to be dissected and criticized for everything by my family has taught me to trust only myself.

Unfortunately I absorbed my families drama and with an amplification of health issues I opened up where I expressed such negativity it was hard to bear. Unfortunately for those friends that were privy to the exhaustiveness, indeed magnitude of my freewheeling expression of depression left. Funnily enough it was infj friends who let me go, I don't think they could see the end in sight with me. All of a sudden I felt like I was in self preservation mode where expressing the depression was doing more harm than good.

Which it was because it was shaping and influencing minds in directions that were voids. And so after many years of remanifesting the point of energy to a healthy state I can say the vulnerability applies when you are expressing stress points, indeed when health isn't at an optimal level. For then you are drawn into your world and others and absorb them and its a backlog then of uncomfortable issues.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

My emotions do indeed run deep but voicing them doesn't always come naturally. Well, once they are processed, then I'm more opened and ready to share them with people I'm comfortable with. Navigating around the emotional atmosphere is what I do in groups but I'm reluctant to open up often. When conversations go to a deeper level, my instinct is to beat about the bush.

I suppose when I find people who I can be myself around, it feels good but there's only so far I'll go with that. There is a lot that I haven't told to anyone. There are times when I let my guard down and start sharing a lot then I wonder if the other person really wants to hear what I'm saying, or wonder what they'll do with the information if things go sour between us. I've had bad experiences with stuff like that.