[INFP] INFP Guy Chasing ENFP lady

[ceecee]

She just wants to pretend none of this happened.

I have heard these exact words come out of more than one ENFP mouth about the very same situation. So I would heed this advice

 

[EcK]

What if this means you are an ENFP too?

Not the best way to follow up on a post where I stated that your opinions were aligned with reality.

 

[Crabs]

It's interesting that you use the word "chasing" her. Generally, women don't fall for guys who chase them, despite whatever bullshit Hollywood has deluded men with. Definitely don't pursue her anymore. If she's truly upset with herself, as she claims, it's probably because she realizes that you're a nice guy who would treat her right, but she's just not sexually attracted to you because of your nice guys ways. Sad, but true. Time to move on and find someone who reciprocates your interest.

Plus, ENFPs are philanderous by nature. She'll break your heart regardless.

 

[SpankyMcFly]

Fleeeee!!!

I'm allergic to that kind of drama myself. It's difficult for me to give you better advise since I lack background information about you to be able to empathize with you and the situation and then respond with your interests in mind. [MENTION=23796]Crabs[/MENTION] gives a more detailed reason and I'm in agreement overall.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

It's interesting that you use the word "chasing" her. Generally, women don't fall for guys who chase them, despite whatever bullshit Hollywood has deluded men with. Definitely don't pursue her anymore. If she's truly upset with herself, as she claims, it's probably because she realizes that you're a nice guy who would treat her right, but she's just not sexually attracted to you because of your nice guys ways. Sad, but true. Time to move on and find someone who reciprocates your interest.

Plus, ENFPs are philanderous by nature. She'll break your heart regardless.

Well this is baseless. I'm way more of a philander than any ENFP I have met.

This isn't some "nice guy" alpha beta bullshit. Sorry. We don't have to take it to generalizations and zoom out that far.

It can be dealt with on an individual basis.

 

[Crabs]

Well this is baseless. I'm way more of a philander than any ENFP I have met.

This isn't some "nice guy" alpha beta bullshit. Sorry. We don't have to take it to generalizations and zoom out that far.

It can be dealt with on an individual basis.

I was being cheeky with the ENFP comment, though generalizations are often based on truth. I can't speak to your philandering ways, but I must say, that's very forthcoming of you. A lot of women don't readily admit that.

Terms like alpha and beta are not in my vocabulary so whatever concept you're trying to convey, I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific.

I disagree with you. This is a classic example of nice guy syndrome. You can try to skirt around the label all you want, but it describes a common problem that a lot of men face at some point in their life; in the same way that many females find themselves attracted to assholes who mistreat them. There are fundamental rules at play here. Exceptions don't negate the norm.

 

[ChocolateMoose123]

I was being cheeky with the ENFP comment, though generalizations are often based on truth. I can't speak to your philandering ways, but I must say, that's very forthcoming of you. A lot of women don't readily admit that.

Terms like alpha and beta are not in my vocabulary so whatever concept you're trying to convey, I'm afraid you'll have to be more specific.

I disagree with you. This is a classic example of nice guy syndrome. You can try to skirt around the label all you want, but it describes a common problem that a lot of men face at some point in their life; in the same way that many females find themselves attracted to assholes who mistreat them. There are fundamental rules at play here. Exceptions don't negate the norm.

Tongue in cheek. My comments stand but I'm not feeling the discussion. I don't want to take away from the thread.

 

[Starry]

Not the best way to follow up on a post where I stated that your opinions were aligned with reality.

haha yah you are 100% pure ENTP. So funny you.

 

[ordinance]

Well thanks for all the response dudes.

I'm pretty loss with the thread now.


So i'd propose a poll.

1. Let her be for now and maybe at one of those meetings joke casually.
2. Drop the bomb via text, use TJ and reason logically. Blow this crap to smithreens.
3. Get the heck out of here coz she's wasting my time
4. Get on with life.
5. Wait for her to descend from oribatal madness and say hi again.

Lads and lasses your suggestions?

 

[ordinance]

How well do you know her, doesnt sound like you do.

I guess even the 3 years and half a year of closness showed me a different side of her. One about her vulnerability and how'd she reacts when she is distressed.

 

[ordinance]

I have heard these exact words come out of more than one ENFP mouth about the very same situation. So I would heed this advice

Thanks for this starry. I kinda feel shes hiding away and treating me like im non-existant. Feels crappy but i'll bite it. As for me being a source of distress its hers to deal with. I cant control her responses really. I dont treat her any differently before or after but i do get impatient with her attitude if it goes on for half a year.

 

[Cloudpatrol]

Hey Dudes

Dude-ette here [MENTION=27948]ordinance[/MENTION]

I still have some questions after reading the thread in total.

So basically me (INFP) and this ENFP lady started hanging out about 6 months ago and we got pretty good chemistry going.
We hang out once or even twice a week at times.

What precipitated hanging out more starting 6 months ago. Organically or you sought each other out? What did your friendship consist of in the 3 years prior?

She being ENFP would argue that she has good chemistry with every other person ( which I think is fair enough to say )

Has she said those words? I am an INFP with strongly extroverted leanings. Have used similar wording and what I generally mean is that I get along with/form connections to people easily. That most often that sincere personal-interest is not an indicator of romantic inclination.

So it came to a point where I started liking her and I considered dating her after some time.
So I decided to buy her flowers, take her out for dinner and get my act together.
Told her she was kinda like sunshine and I pretty much liked her quirkiness and shared common interests. We are both in our 30s by the way.

Admirable. You put yourself out in the hopes of moving forward.

What was her reaction to the flowers and dinner? To your winsome words?

Now, here comes the tricky part. So I found out she liked another dude, probably with a TJ temperament. ( He isn't a concern or competition for me )
So I told her, hey lets cool off and take some time to slowly think about it.

Why isn't he a concern? If the object of your affection likes him?

Like how does the above make sense to you guys?

No. I don't understand the lack of open communication given your previous friendship and your own direct forthrightness.


So I am contemplating using a more INTP approach to sort things out but she is just so emotional at the moment.

Is she under other life stresses? Is this level of emotional reaction consistent with what you know of her?


Something tells me she is pretty conflicted and emotional about her response and that makes me feel uncertain about turning me down.

This could be intuition OR it could be hope disguised as faith. Why you are here, seeking counsel


Like Sheesh, I just gave her flowers and asked her to date and she thinks we're getting married with her infinite flow of ideas. Did she seriously get cold feet?

Her response may be due to other things entirely if she is healthy emotionally & ready to for relationship. On the other hand, if she has been hurt before and not completely healed - OR had a lot of unwanted male attention - she MAY have been spooked.

As much as I intensely dislike dashing hopes and hurting a friend, I'd always prefer to have someone communicate directly with me. Tell me their feelings frankly and be able to move forward from there. Less game-playing the better. (Fun, flirty game playing? Yes. Trying to manipulate situations or misrepresenting true feelings in the hopes of obtaining a positive result? No.)

I've not had much time to give her "intellectual intercourse".

Likely an absolute necessary to win her heart.

And that might be the trouble with insufficient engagement. The other INTJ dude is probably more direct and she might like that kind of 'direct cold response' and she feels her chemistry with that dude is higher.

Would she not then, value being communicated with directly by you also? It’ s not disingenuous because you say you DO value direct and open talk.

[MENTION=25403]ZNP-TBA[/MENTION] and [MENTION=5643]EcK[/MENTION] talked about leaving it in her hands or leaving it altogether. But, it sounds like you are perhaps too heavily invested to do that?

If so, open dialogue may be best.

P.S. I echo [MENTION=18819]five sounds[/MENTION] I like things to feel natural, relaxed, like best friends with sexual tension. I don't like to be chased…I like to be organically appreciated for who I am.

[MENTION=5223]MDP2525[/MENTION]’s comments are worthy of consideration. If you do have a ‘conversation’ with her, [MENTION=9160]HelenOfTroy[/MENTION]’s wording is nice for making it less of a 'high pressure' scenario.

I also echo YOUR sentiments back to you (smile) Since the non-clarity would drive me crazy.

 

[Starry]

Thanks for this starry. I kinda feel shes hiding away and treating me like im non-existant. Feels crappy but i'll bite it. As for me being a source of distress its hers to deal with. I cant control her responses really. I dont treat her any differently before or after but i do get impatient with her attitude if it goes on for half a year.

If everything went down in pretty much the same way you expressed it in the OP then I personally think the universe is doing you a solid (<-the universe just made me use the phrase "doing you a solid" which is so weird to me I can't even tell you) as she sounds rather unhealthy to me.

 

[Dreamer]

Ok I'm just gonna throw this out there. Flowers and dinner dates are NOT my preferred way to be wooed. I like things to feel natural, relaxed, like best friends with sexual tension. I get the feeling that she might have turned when you decided to do the "I'm gonna date you" thing.

Maybe try no strategy. You said you were friends with her previously. Try to just friend it up. It's a lot easier for me to fall into a relationship than feel pressured to accept or decline one.

Oh, I'm totally like this too! I absolutely prefer fun dates where it almost feels more like friends hanging out getting to know one another on a real level. I also tend to plan fun dates that are out of the ordinary.

 

[Poki]

Well thanks for all the response dudes.

I'm pretty loss with the thread now.


So i'd propose a poll.

1. Let her be for now and maybe at one of those meetings joke casually.
2. Drop the bomb via text, use TJ and reason logically. Blow this crap to smithreens.
3. Get the heck out of here coz she's wasting my time
4. Get on with life.
5. Wait for her to descend from oribatal madness and say hi again.

Lads and lasses your suggestions?

If you plan on any type of reasoning you need to have her reasons. Ask her what she fears if you to hook up. It could be that she liked you the way you were and now things are gonna be different because of "dating". As much as ENFp like different and new and exciting. They have this comfort with the way certain things are and dont want them to change. Strange to think of an ENFP as stagnant, but they are in certain areas.

What does she want in a relationship, what does she love doing, you have to know her best in order to capture her heart, else all you can really capture is a fleeting crush before she moves onto the next things. You have to find that comfort, that slow spot in her.

Next is the fleeting stuff. Take her out somewhere she enjoys...she will have both new and old reliable. They generally love to learn things. I would say 90% of enfps i know enjoy museums, shows, etc. Places you can experience new things and learn.

If you want her, pay more attention to everything about her. Not just how she reacts or responds to you or what she says...enfps suck at saying things right. Their brain gives them a direction so its a half ass mixture of what i want to say combined with the direction they decide to go with it. Not much forethoight so its not mixed very well. I argue left and right with my GF about who she is and she jokes i know her better then she knows herself. I know the things that she doesnt process, she just does or reacts. She will make a comment...i like it when you do xyz, and my response is, i know why do you think i do it. It takes time for it to click. You really have to pay attention to who she is.

Watch what buttons you push. The ones that push her away you have a bit of time and mistakes with, then its over. Dont keep pushing those buttons, do not play with them. Protect them from others. She hates those things and it makes her mood worse so even though it may not affecf you directly it affects her and effects her quality of life with you.

 

[Annaifiwas]

Now, I am an ENTJ... But that situation clearly isn't healthy. I'd say you should just leave her be, get going with your own life and let things happen as they happen; meaning that if she later comes back to you, asking to get together again, perhaps consider it if you're single, "flip her off" if you've found someone else. It'll make things much easier on you to take things more as they come