[INFP] INFP, Fi, and a lack of "common" compassion?

[AdmiralAndGirlsDesu]

As an INFP, from the descrptions I've read, we are one of the most compassionate types. However, in my view, I believe our compassion mainly manifests as "sympathy" rather than "empathy." People often confuse them, but they actually have very different meanings. I believe it's harder for us to feel "empathy" due to our primary function being Fi, and I would like to use something that happened recently in my own life to demonstrate how INFPs tend to be more sympathetic than empathetic:

A female friend from Indonesia (I met when traveling there a few years ago) recently messaged me and asked me for 100 dollars, telling me that her father's gravely ill in the hospital. Now, from what I know about her father, he was an abusive and neglectful jerk that never cared about his daughter and his wife, he drank, cheated, gambled, and even left Christianity (both my friend and I are Christians) for Islam because he wanted a job promotion and needed to appease his superiors in the department he wanted to join. To me, such a man is not deserving of love on two levels: 1. He mistreated his very own family 2. He betrayed his faith (though I'm not a Bible thumper, my Christian faith means a lot to me as part of my personal values). Her parents divorced when she was a kid, and his father's mistress became his second wife (good for him, my friend told me that now he's ill, she wants nothing to do with him).


My own father was similar to him in many ways, and I have no respect for him whatsoever. My parents divorced when I was 7, and I've never been close to him since. In 2016 there was a period where I decided to give him another chance because I'm already an adult, and I wanted to get to know him as an equal. Things went well for a while, but then he revealed himself to be that same arrogant yet weak, foolish, and domineering man I had always known him to be. We became estranged (and I had every intention of making it permanent) because I was so disappointed in him, I thought I could trust him, confide in him, that we shared similar values, but it turns out we don't. When he came to the place I'm living on my birthday last year, I didn't let him enter the door. I told him to "piss off", and I actually used these words.

Back to my friend. My Fi immediately began assessing her situation, and I frankly told her that her father, considering how terrible of a man he was to her in the past, is not worthy of her help and compassion. I didn't want to assist not because I wanted to be selfish and stingy, but because I deemed her father to not be worthy of help, and how I would have left him there if he were my own father. So, I explained my point-of-view to her, but she said that she didn't want to be perceived as a terrible daughter, the despite the fact that her father's a terrible man, she didn't want to see him suffer. Eventually, seeing how distressed and sad she was, I decided to give her that bit of financial assistance for her father's hospital fees. However, I still told her that I only did it because I wanted to make her happier, that her father's a terrible man, and whether he lives or dies is up to fate. Nevertheless, she was very grateful towards me and I'm happy that she's doing a bit better now.

I helped her and stayed with her through her entire ordeal, out of a sense of care and loyalty, but I felt absolutely zero compassion for that wreck of a man, and I always found it difficult to comprehend how she could feel love and compassion towards him. To be honest, when she said that part of it was because she didn't want society to perceive her as a bad daughter, I even felt quite irritated (though I didn't let her know) because it's hard for me to understand how people can be so attached to cultural / societal "norms" without question. As an INFP with dominant Fi, I could definitely feel for her from the perspective of her being unhappy over this, and her being my good friend, but I certainly could not feel for her from a perspective of "common" compassion / empathy, which is more Fe. In this case, I totally extrapolated my own values onto her. However, I've never questioned whether I could have responded in a more "Fe" manner, because that's just not me.

I believe that we don't owe love, care, and respect to each other out of any "norm" or "convention" or the other person's rank / position / status / seniority, it must all be earned and judged based on no other than how well their character and their values correspond to a highly internal moral framework. I tend to make judgments on whether I like / dislike someone or something, and I admit I'm often guilty of not giving enough benefit of doubt. While I appear very quiet on the surface, deep down I am running many emotional "algorithms" to determine whether that particular person / group / situation is compatible with me. If I have determined that I should adopt an attitude of contempt for someone or something, it is extremely difficult, if not impossible for me to change my view.

Fellow INFPs (ad other NFs), how do you feel about this? How would you respond if you were in her shoes, and in mine? Do you think INFPs have trouble understanding perspectives and problems when they can't see how it fits into their Fi "mold"?

 

[Forever]

INFP's feel the world more than most.

INFP's are no more fallible to fail understand others than other types.

But they have the leg up when they find inner beauty before anyone else.

 

[Luminous]

It's possible your friend told you that she was helping him out of a sense of duty when she was also helping because she does actually care about him (and you made it clear you can't go along with that...) Relationships within families are complex things. It's hard to let go of the hope that things and people are better than they actually are, or that they will get better.

I think if I'd been in your shoes, and easily had the money to help, I wouldn't have hesitated. Her feelings are her feelings. She doesn't want him to suffer? I respect that. Maybe I don't understand how she can feel exactly the way she does, but that's fine. I don't have to. One of my most important principles is recognizing where I end and others begin. And I, like you, wouldn't want her to suffer. I wouldn't try to change her mind, as I think that would only cause more pain. I don't know nearly enough about the situation to speculate on what I would do if I were in her shoes.

 

[Agent Washington]

^ what the above user said.

 

[AdmiralAndGirlsDesu]

Thanks for the replies. Actually both my parents are abusive / neglectful, and are very damaged individuals, and for a while I also held onto the hope that my mom would change for the better once she has that 'awakening' within herself and realize how misguided or utterly wrong she's been about so many things. I waited for years, and she did not seem to change for the better, not at all. I've stopped having the hope that she would ever change, and have decided that at the point she currently is at she is incapable of having a healthy, functional, and mutually beneficial relationship with me. Therefore, I will soon be estranged from her as well. It's the accumulation of hurt over the years, how she has been incapable of understanding me or even making the effort to understand me for who I am. I know very little about her past, virtually nothing at all, and she never tells me how she truly feels. Her true self is a complete mystery to me, and that self being such a mystery effectively denies any ground for trust and open communication. As far as I can tell, she is hollow on the inside, doing things out of fear and obligation and thinking it's an okay way to live, she thinks she is being strong and making sacrifices but all I see is someone that's too weak and insecure to face the nothingness of her existence, and to just live life according to what SHE really wants for herself. I have tried to be supportive, but it all went in one ear and out the other. I think she is xSFJ, more likely ESFJ. Taking all of this into consideration, I am adamant that the best and most responsible thing to do would be to set myself free from this vicious cycle (her own mother is the same kind of person) of deceit and evil, and guide future generations starting from my own children, onto a much happier path while not losing sight of the realities that sane individuals must confront.

I suspect my aunt is also more Fe like my friend. Her father was an alcoholic, regularly cheated on her mother, made the family plunge into debt due to a number of failed business ventures, eventually they divorced but he still used my aunt's mom as an ATM. He kept making intrusions into my aunt's life, going so far as to abduct (I'm not kidding, she really said abduct) her from school and take her to go live with him. Fortunately my aunt was kept safe from him due to the timely intervention of her friends and teachers. However, my aunt told me that if he were to die someday, she'd still go see him before he dies and visit his grave. Much like what I told my friend, I told my aunt that he's not worthy of such treatment whether dead or alive. My aunt didn't know how to respond except for saying that "but it's not good to do that."

A lot of times I question people on certain beliefs they hold (societal / cultural beliefs) and ask them to consider a different way because I see that they're trying to fit in, and I want to help them realize a sense of authenticity and personal autonomy (no matter how little I can do). When they respond with something such as "but it's not good to think such a way, to do such and such", they can't work out why.

 

[Citron]

My thoughts on this is that Fi may see someone else's side, but emotionally feels very much black and white. If it's about a friend, you can pretty much see past that though, or at least I can.

 

[Population: 1]

I don’t look at people suffering and fall to pieces externally or internally. Yet I hold a universal decency kind of approach. That if I were you I’d want someone to do X in this situation. So perhaps my motivation to care about others is based in selfishness at least as far as strangers are concerned. I’ve assisted strangers in trouble before but of course it’s not going impact to me like it would if they were friends or a SO. I think children and animals would be the exception and depending on what’s befallen them I can become pretty damn upset.

As for being judgmental. I’m judgmental internally and it really only surfaces when my judgement is harsh. Because I judge based on several factors on a graded scale. Some things are simply black and white right and wrong. Far more fall in between and are scored against someone’s overall character and their past actions. If I don’t know you well I attempt to reserve judgment but that’s influenced by the action and (here’s where some will cringe) the vibes you give me. You can scoff at my vibes if you like but they have seldom steered me wrong over the decades and I ignore them at my own peril.

 

[Mal12345]

Thanks for the replies. Actually both my parents are abusive / neglectful, and are very damaged individuals, and for a while I also held onto the hope that my mom would change for the better once she has that 'awakening' within herself and realize how misguided or utterly wrong she's been about so many things. I waited for years, and she did not seem to change for the better, not at all. I've stopped having the hope that she would ever change, and have decided that at the point she currently is at she is incapable of having a healthy, functional, and mutually beneficial relationship with me. Therefore, I will soon be estranged from her as well. It's the accumulation of hurt over the years, how she has been incapable of understanding me or even making the effort to understand me for who I am. I know very little about her past, virtually nothing at all, and she never tells me how she truly feels. Her true self is a complete mystery to me, and that self being such a mystery effectively denies any ground for trust and open communication. As far as I can tell, she is hollow on the inside, doing things out of fear and obligation and thinking it's an okay way to live, she thinks she is being strong and making sacrifices but all I see is someone that's too weak and insecure to face the nothingness of her existence, and to just live life according to what SHE really wants for herself. I have tried to be supportive, but it all went in one ear and out the other. I think she is xSFJ, more likely ESFJ. Taking all of this into consideration, I am adamant that the best and most responsible thing to do would be to set myself free from this vicious cycle (her own mother is the same kind of person) of deceit and evil, and guide future generations starting from my own children, onto a much happier path while not losing sight of the realities that sane individuals must confront.

I suspect my aunt is also more Fe like my friend. Her father was an alcoholic, regularly cheated on her mother, made the family plunge into debt due to a number of failed business ventures, eventually they divorced but he still used my aunt's mom as an ATM. He kept making intrusions into my aunt's life, going so far as to abduct (I'm not kidding, she really said abduct) her from school and take her to go live with him. Fortunately my aunt was kept safe from him due to the timely intervention of her friends and teachers. However, my aunt told me that if he were to die someday, she'd still go see him before he dies and visit his grave. Much like what I told my friend, I told my aunt that he's not worthy of such treatment whether dead or alive. My aunt didn't know how to respond except for saying that "but it's not good to do that."

A lot of times I question people on certain beliefs they hold (societal / cultural beliefs) and ask them to consider a different way because I see that they're trying to fit in, and I want to help them realize a sense of authenticity and personal autonomy (no matter how little I can do). When they respond with something such as "but it's not good to think such a way, to do such and such", they can't work out why.

Maybe you should explain why.