[NF] INFJ vs Bridezilla

[Lily Bart]

OK, that's probably not accurate -- more like INFJ needs to get herself an attitude adjustment in a hurry and is desperately looking for good advice! The bride is my ESFJ sister and I can understand why she would want to finally have a real celebration -- the first two husbands were losers and the weddings thrown together in a hurry; her third husband is great and they're well-suited to each other. When she first told me they were getting married, she said she wanted a tasteful and elegant wedding and wanted my help. She's pretty much rejected most of my attempts to steer her toward good taste and restraint and so I've backed off as much as I could (although I asserted myself on having a bridesmaid's dress I could wear a bra with and also on the music, which I'm providing). After a phone conversation last night, which ended with me pretty much on the verge of freezing up and shutting her out (I managed to stay civil, but it was tense), I realized I really, really need to basically become a different person to get through this! A contributing factor is that we live in different states and communicate by phone and email, so I can use words to manage difficult situations, but when I see her face to face, she's probably going to see how irked I am -- which will of course make me even more tense, which will make the situation even worse! So please, INFJ's, when you're on the verge of shutting some one out, how do you get yourself to act as happy and serene and gracious as humanly possible?

 

[ceecee]

OK, that's probably not accurate -- more like INFJ needs to get herself an attitude adjustment in a hurry and is desperately looking for good advice! The bride is my ESFJ sister and I can understand why she would want to finally have a real celebration -- the first two husbands were losers and the weddings thrown together in a hurry; her third husband is great and they're well-suited to each other. When she first told me they were getting married, she said she wanted a tasteful and elegant wedding and wanted my help. She's pretty much rejected most of my attempts to steer her toward good taste and restraint and so I've backed off as much as I could (although I asserted myself on having a bridesmaid's dress I could wear a bra with and also on the music, which I'm providing). After a phone conversation last night, which ended with me pretty much on the verge of freezing up and shutting her out (I managed to stay civil, but it was tense), I realized I really, really need to basically become a different person to get through this! A contributing factor is that we live in different states and communicate by phone and email, so I can use words to manage difficult situations, but when I see her face to face, she's probably going to see how irked I am -- which will of course make me even more tense, which will make the situation even worse! So please, INFJ's, when you're on the verge of shutting some one out, how do you get yourself to act as happy and serene and gracious as humanly possible?

Why do YOU need to change who you are? Instead of making your life miserable, suggest she hire a wedding planner.

 

[Siúil a Rúin]

OK, that's probably not accurate -- more like INFJ needs to get herself an attitude adjustment in a hurry and is desperately looking for good advice! The bride is my ESFJ sister and I can understand why she would want to finally have a real celebration -- the first two husbands were losers and the weddings thrown together in a hurry; her third husband is great and they're well-suited to each other. When she first told me they were getting married, she said she wanted a tasteful and elegant wedding and wanted my help. She's pretty much rejected most of my attempts to steer her toward good taste and restraint and so I've backed off as much as I could (although I asserted myself on having a bridesmaid's dress I could wear a bra with and also on the music, which I'm providing). After a phone conversation last night, which ended with me pretty much on the verge of freezing up and shutting her out (I managed to stay civil, but it was tense), I realized I really, really need to basically become a different person to get through this! A contributing factor is that we live in different states and communicate by phone and email, so I can use words to manage difficult situations, but when I see her face to face, she's probably going to see how irked I am -- which will of course make me even more tense, which will make the situation even worse! So please, INFJ's, when you're on the verge of shutting some one out, how do you get yourself to act as happy and serene and gracious as humanly possible?

This is just a snapshot of information, so I'm not certain if what I say will apply, but here goes. I agree with Ceecee that she should have a neutral, professional party help plan the wedding.

She clearly has an internal sense of what she wants her wedding to be, so it could help to just let go and allow it. It sounds like you feel personally hurt when she rejects your ideas, but just realize that it is okay for her to have the wedding any way she desires. It is also possible that after two failed marriages, there is more personal emotions for her in this process. Every time a marriage fails it is clear that we have personally been hurt, lost control of the situation even, were unable to predict the outcomes of our lives. It takes a lot to trust again, so I'm sure there are more complicated feelings inside of her for this event, and she may be externalizing those feelings. By controlling the details of her wedding, she is controlling the outcome of her life. Her rejection of your ideas likely has nothing to do with how much she respects you, but more about her needing to feel in control. I can read personal symbolism in her mind when you describe that her first two marriages failed, and the first two weddings were thrown together. She wants this marriage to succeed, to do it right this time, so the wedding symbolically has to be completely right this time. Ultimately that means that her choices need to be right this time. Perhaps that is being extended to the type of flowers and flatware in this case.

Is it possible for you to let go of any personal investment in this wedding, and let her be in complete control of it? Even if her choices are less tasteful than yours? A wedding ceremony is symbolic by its nature, so it can be seen as enormously important from one perspective, but from another it is a fleeting party filled with tissue paper that will fade away in an instant once passed. It only has the meaning we invest in it.

I would suggest letting go of the process personally, and reassuring her that her choices are right, and let it be however it will be. Perhaps you find another outlet to express your own creativity and taste, and so deflect your investment in this party into an investment into your own project, whatever you choose it to be?

 

[Lily Bart]

Thanks for all the insight -- I did a long post, boring to probably anybody but me where I worked out what was going on, and then it didn't post! I'm not going to write it all out again, but creating something symbolically through the wedding is the issue here, (much, much gratitude, fia, for making this clear!) although what she's trying to create is a sense of family that she doesn't have -- so I can't turn her over to a wedding planner and I can't distance myself because she needs to feel that her wedding is bringing together family that neither she nor the groom-to-be have ever had and/or valued in the past. I guess this is what was lurking in the back of my mind and bringing out that INFJ tendency to criticize something into submission! I think I can face this with a lot more grace and good humor now -- many, many thanks!