[INFJ] INFJ personal relations

[Silent Stars]

I think we may have been raised in the same religion...

haha, yeah...I am a Christian, though nothing at all like her (and the rest of my family). *shudders*

 

[Sniffles]

What exactly would you consider yourself Silent?

 

[Silent Stars]

I don't think I really fit into any sort of denomination...not even non-denominational, either (I used to go to one of those churches...didn't much like it. Heard about a lot of things while I was there that really turned me off to it, and I didn't agree with some of what they preached. The pastor there actually supported my mom in kicking me out; saying some nonsense like there's a "demonic aura" about me. Freakin' nutcase....it's too bad the people who go there don't know how he really is.).

 

[Sniffles]

My cousins went to a non-denominational Church, I couldn't stand it.

I can understand the concern about Satanic music, but to immediately attribute that to demonic influence is a little strange to me. I mean we Catholics perform excorcisms, yet we acknowledge those as rare and rather extraordinary cases.

I sincerely hope you and your mother can come to some reconcilation. I mean yes our families can piss us off big time, but they're still family.

I'm certainly willing to offer any spiritual support if you need it.

 

[Silent Stars]

We're not on bad terms, but I just don't even bother talking to her about anything regarding my faith or how I think, or really anything that is more in-depth than casual conversation, as she doesn't even remotely get anything I say (unhealthy ESFJ...), and projects her views on me by putting me on guilt trips and talking over me whenever I'm trying to explain things in as simple of terms as is humanly possible.

 

[PuddleRiver]

I get a feeling with people that tells me whether it is or isn't a good idea to let them in...

I've often wondered if INFJ's growing up shared things about themselves, and had a lot of people not understand them and were totally crushed by it, especially if those people they trusted ridiculed them in some way.

Yes on both counts.

 

[Tiltyred]

They still do, and I'm a mature woman. It gets tiresome constantly being told you're weird or peculiar. I can take it because I know time is on my side -- as they see things play out, they will see I knew what I was talking about -- but then they think that's weird, too.

 

[Kyrielle]

INFJ's seem to be individuals with a lot of emotional depth who have a really unique way of looking at the world and I don't know how to word it.. things are really personal to them. It's like their words and actions are an extension of themselves more so than other types.

I've often wondered if INFJ's growing up shared things about themselves, and had a lot of people not understand them and were totally crushed by it, especially if those people they trusted ridiculed them in some way.

That is pretty much it for me.

Then what happens, is, as children, some of us (or at least me) might develop avoidant coping mechanisms. I remember I started attaching to people only on a surface level--keeping people an arm's length away. Of course, that doesn't work in the adult world. It causes all sorts of emotional and relational problems, and it's quite a bit of work and time to re-establish better coping strategies. The worst of it all is, regardless of the changes, that tendency to back away and keep specifics private is never going to go away.

I don't know. Perhaps INFJs have avoidant tendencies to a certain degree. But I'm probably over-simplifying things based on my own bias.

 

[moonlit_reveries]

That's exactly what happened in my case. I was seen as weird or confusing when I shared myself and my ideas openly and so I turned away from that and am more guarded with self disclosure and getting close to people always feels like a risk, but yet the closeness is something I crave so I usually take the risk anyway. I'm extremely open and self revealing with those I know and trust, but quite guarded, impersonal and perhaps superficial with strangers.

 

[karenk]

That's exactly what happened in my case. I was seen as weird or confusing when I shared myself and my ideas openly and so I turned away from that and am more guarded with self disclosure and getting close to people always feels like a risk, but yet the closeness is something I crave so I usually take the risk anyway. I'm extremely open and self revealing with those I know and trust, but quite guarded, impersonal and perhaps superficial with strangers.

Yes in the early years my real self wasn't received well so I tried not to share anything. I'm sure this isn't unusual for a 4 because the creation of a 4 is real or perceived rejection in the early years. ha. I still find there are more benefits to being private. I wonder if other private INFJs run into issues with certain types being offended when you aren't immediately an open book. I have run into this problem. So far it's happened to be with SFs.

 

[penelope]

That's interesting. I'm actually an open book and have no problem talking about my personal life.

Alas, maybe without my livejournal, and my 3-5 updates a day (haha), and it being friends-locked, I wouldn't be so open.

 

[cascadeco]

I was recently reminded of this in the welcome thread. I, unfortunately, don't have the chance to be around too many INFJ's, but the ones that I do have the pleasure of being close to are usually pretty open me, but SO guarded around most people. I mean they're fine sharing ideas, and are pretty sociable, but like to keep feelings or details of their life to themselves much more than most types.

This has been quite relevant once I started dating an INFJ, because I'm a LOT more open about my personal life. I make sure I keep pretty tight lipped about him, to be respectful of his wishes. However, he still teases me for "ruining his image" because people are beginning to think he's human :rolli: .

Is this something that anyone else has noticed?

I don't know if I can relate or not. I guess in the sense that I don't voluntarily talk about myself, it's true. You know, some people just start spontaneously talking about their life to others, but I don't. I tend to only open up when people question me, and really act like they want to know about me. Then I might be much more open and talkative. But otherwise, I may not talk a whole lot because I don't want to talk about myself if I don't know for sure if the other person *really* wants to hear it.

I guess my 'default' mode is to question others and get them to start talking and opening up. Usually they are happy to do so, and then they rarely turn the table and question me. So I then don't end up talking a whole lot, because the other person's talking the majority of the time.

Maybe some of it's protection, I don't know. I definitely get self-conscious when the spotlight's on me - always have. I'm starting to stop trying to psychoanalyze myself when it comes to this stuff, because it doesn't do a whole lot of good. Maybe it's because in late elementary school and into junior high I started getting rejected by peers, even former friends leaving me because I wasn't 'cool' enough, so I then turned fully inward and by high school was pretty much a mute and was wholly in an internal world, just observing everyone else around me, for the most part.

I started turning that around in college - made a conscious effort of doing so. Then by my early to mid 20's I worked on all the emotional stuff and tried to stop automatically bottling stuff up and 'hiding'. Then starting a few yrs ago, I've just in general become much more open in who I am, and am no longer afraid of sharing with others. So I now consider myself to be a pretty open person. Quiet, yes, and like I said in the first paragraph, I have to know it'll reach a receptive listener. But I don't have the fear and mistrust that really filled me earlier in life.

 

[mwv6r]

That describes most of the INFJs I know, but for whatever reason I find that I'm fairly "open-book" with pretty much all my friends and even most acquaintances. Sometimes I have to reel myself in because I'll find that I'm getting too carried away divulging personal information...

 

[the state i am in]

i'm very protective of my self-image. i am VERY careful, generally, with giving people too much information about my own private life, and it's only recently that i've realized that trusting other people with priviliged information shows you value them, that you are willing to give pieces of yourself to them (tho it can also quickly become a burdensome thing if you can't deal with it yourself).

it's like i absorb everything anyone else could possibly think or feel about me, from every imaginable angle. then, regardless of how I internally feel, it affects/effects me. it sticks to the big mass and becomes a part of who i am. i think this is part of the reason why i feel infjs want that grounding attachment to something HUGELY significant (so, etc). sway the popular vote.

 

[ReadingRainbows]

I have a terrible time trusting people with my true complete thoughts, as I have deemed in my expirence, they just don't understand, aside from other INFJs (healthy ones) I dont find opening alot of this stuff up useful.