[INFJ] INFJ Internal Struggles

[tibby]

I guess this is also a perfectionist thing. I try to make everything, and I mean every single thing, RIGHT, in my head. I need to put, arrange or act everything in a way it's "right". For example, I know I'm a perfectionist in the sense I so desperately want to be the "best" I could be - as a person, as a character, as an ethical creature. But then I see that I don't need justifications for people's actions, I don't need a reason, I understand everything in others - whether it's good or bad. The only thing that could make me resent someone is if they're doing something bad knowingly and purposely, and don't feel any regret. It's a matter of conscience then. But like I said, I feel very connected to the human nature - whether to the good or bad. This awareness makes me take a different angle towards myself - I require perfection of the higher nature of man from myself, but not from others, cause I know the "depths" of human nature.

But then, as I try to put things RIGHT, I see that as a principle, it's hypocritical of me to have different requirements for me. Objectively, the rules should be the same for everybody.

That was just one example of my "inner workings". I constantly re-value my values, well, not really re-value, but examine them, to make sure they're right. I also do this with my motives - sometimes even to a point where I can't justify a selfish act to myself and so can't act based on it.

It's so burdening to have such high inner ideals that almost oblige you to be a perfect human being. I know it's not possible in a sense - but I KNOW what a perfect human being is, and I would feel WRONG not to pursue that, cause IT IS RIGHT, because I can realize it. I don't know if this makes any sense. I kind of feel responsible for everything and everybody, like I just "have to" save the world xD

It's like carrying everything on your own shoulders, and as a doer, you know you can. It's just hard, even though that's the only way you can have satisfaction and feel some sort of pleasure. If I had to configurate myself as a prophet I'd be the one with sad eyes. Well not really sad, but serious!

 

[mwv6r]

Toonia, I think I've experienced the same thing. Something that's helped me is that recently I read a book on personality type and personality disorders. Different personality types tend to gravitate toward particular personality disorders, though only about 10% of the population develops a full-blown disorder. I'm not sure what your type is, but I think that INFJs and perhaps some INFPs tend to gravitate toward avoidant personality disorder. It doesn't mean we have the full-blown disorder but we demonstrate some traits of the disorder to a certain extent. If I'm understanding you correctly what you're describing may be a characteristic of avoidant personalities in which we become insecure around larger groups of people, particularly people we don't know well. When I'm interacting with friends in my intimate circle I feel good about myself, but in larger groups with people I don't know well I begin to feel small and insecure and self-doubting. High school was terrible for me and college was only a little better, but now I'm able to be more selective about my peer group and it's made me more confident. You might also find it interesting to read about the different personality disorders because I find that often when someone leaves me feeling bad about myself or depleted, like the friend you described, they often have a personality disorder themselves (histrionic, narcissistic, etc.), and simply being able to recognize a disorder in others releases their grip on me and allows me to take any hurtful things they do or say with a grain of salt. Knowledge is power.

 

[Kestrel]

That's probably one reason why we're often compared to the Biblical prophets, who after all had to shoulder the burdens of the entire Israelite nation.

I think even in Kaballah there's a concept that some people are destined to bear the burderns of others, in order to help purify and strengthen the world.

This is perhaps a little bizarre, but I was actually named after one of them. That's not to say I've had much success in "purifying and strengthening the world", though.

Still, I seem to have internal struggles off and on. I can't really explain why. I just feel like no matter how far I've come, I need to go further. No matter how much I know, I need to know more. And so on.

I guess it can be a good thing sometimes. But it usually leads to me being unable to recognize my strengths because I'm so busy trying to reach my own unrealistic expectations.

Perfectionism.

 

[eclare]

Originally Posted by penelope
Do other INFJs suffer so much as well? Have you learned any tricks to make it easier?

The only sure-fire trick I've discovered in 29 years is a cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs combined with prolonged periods of solitude followed immediately by gabfests with other NFs where I unload everything that has been building up since the last time we spoke.

 

[penelope]

The only sure-fire trick I've discovered in 29 years is a cocktail of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs combined with prolonged periods of solitude followed immediately by gabfests with other NFs where I unload everything that has been building up since the last time we spoke.

Haha, that sounds about right.

 

[Kyrielle]

I have problems with depression and some anxiety. They both likely run in the family: depression from one side, anxiety from the other.

Most of what "sets it off" comes from lack of confidence and self-esteem. I've had these issues since I was a kid, so I'll likely be trying to "detour" from those thinking patterns for the rest of my life. Oh well, one day I'll be the flamboyant person I am in my head, but until then...

 

[Skyward]

I definitely related to the 'solving the rubix cube' crisis. The way I seemto cope it to withdraw from the world which doesn't help any since later I feel like such a dumb!ss for being a slouch at the time.

I also seem to have latched my self esteem on something as minor as my MBTI type. Even though I basically have narrowed it down to ENFP/INFJ (They have the same functions, just flipped) I always wonder and worry about other things, or if I'm being 'good enough' for a type code or whatever.

Its stupid and it sucks that I cant pull from it easily.

For me, depression is based on feeling useless. What's worse is that it is easily justified logically so it's hard to kick away to get stuff done.

I feel a lot better when gabbing with people. Especially people who are very expressive so it feels like I'm affecting something with my oddball/gutterhead humor

 

[entropie]

This has been driving me crazy lately. I actually got into MBTI to try to understand why I struggle so much internally, finding that the J is responsible for so much of it.

I was writing in my journal last night over something that has been causing me to lose sleep for the past two weeks, and I quoted this:



I find that to be incredibly true of me. I find that I'm constantly anxious, stressed, or losing sleep over struggling to answer the self-imposed questions I leave myself, trying to better understand my actions, feelings, and motives.

It's been tormenting me so much lately, especially since I can't pinpoint the reason for my latest internal struggle. It makes me wish I weren't an introvert, so I wouldn't feel so at home in my head and the rubix cube I feel so impelled to solve. It makes me wish I weren't a feeler, so I wouldn't be so strongly affected and tormented by my emotions. It makes me wish I were more of a perceiver instead of a judger so I could let things go. But I would never give up the strength of my intuition. Without it, I think I would be perpetually lost.

Not sure what I'm trying to get across. Do other INFJs suffer so much as well? Have you learned any tricks to make it easier?

Just bear in mind, whatever you are struggling on is your emotions and that means it is your personal invention. The J nor the P will ever explain that. And if you try to make them explain that, you gonna loose

 

[Skyward]

Just bear in mind, whatever you are struggling on is your emotions and that means it is your personal invention. The J nor the P will ever explain that. And if you try to make them explain that, you gonna loose

Mhm.... Ive figured that out myself recently (Too late in my opinion) and am learning to un-MBTI myself.

 

[BlackCat]

My INFJ best friend always has some sort of internal conflict, but I can temporarily settle it with my "everything is going to be ok" attitude. Most of the stuff he worries about is irrelevant. When it's important though, a mixture of common sense and my attitude fixes it. Yet he still insists the stuff is a problem... When we talk our mixture of minds is like

 

[sade]

I can relate to internal struggles.

I get stressed by my standards for myself at times, and the 'should and shouldn't' thoughts when they start circling. Also living inside my head too much causes problems if that starts to happen, and the constant analycing. There's internal conflict also, but it's something I don't really notice all that much. Except the differences in selfesteem.

I've been having trouble now from retreating inside, behind my walls and from self expression, opinion forming and such shutting off even from myself. I feel rather empty or dead inside right now, and much like a puppet.. It's a defence mechanism that got activated awhile ago, but I can't seem to turn it off now. It would probably ease if I found something meaningfull again, and kept away from those who trigger it.

 

[Laurie]

My INFJ best friend always has some sort of internal conflict, but I can temporarily settle it with my "everything is going to be ok" attitude. Most of the stuff he worries about is irrelevant. When it's important though, a mixture of common sense and my attitude fixes it. Yet he still insists the stuff is a problem... When we talk our mixture of minds is like

Wait do INFPs have those? <-- total generalization but the huge number (3) of INFP's I've known.

 

[BlackCat]

Wait do INFPs have those? <-- total generalization but the huge number (3) of INFP's I've known.

I expect the worst, and hope for the best. That is the INFP attitude from the people I know. It seems like a voodoo sin to say that the worst will happen, even though we know what it is.

Maybe an example will be better.

My friend (INFJ): "God dude... I have no idea what I am supposed to do. She just isn't opening up (ISTJ girlfriend), I don't know if she's lying to me or what... She is definately hiding something from me. I hate that, it really bothers me."

Me: "Why the hell would she be lying to you? You are looking into this WAY too much... You have her Myspace info, her Facebook info, and she makes you hold on to her phone in public since she doesn't usually have pockets, and I KNOW you have checked her text messages... Come on. Why do you honestly think that she is lying to you, from everything you've seen it should be fine. Give her some time, and don't push her."

Him: "Yeah I guess you're right... I shouldn't worry about it. I have no idea why I'm so paranoid about it."

Me: "It's understandable if you love her... I'd be paranoid to lose someone like her too. Don't worry it's gonna be fine. Maybe she is stressed over being in the student council."

All the while I'm thinking:

"Well... She could be cheating on him. She HAS been pretty private lately for some reason."

Even though it seems awful to think of something like that.

If you wanted to know, that situation turned out fine. I prevented him from over reacting to his false interpretation of the situation.

 

[sade]

^ I have been a subject of an INFP comforting me that way. Unfortunately I knew her too well, and she does think like that..

 

[BlackCat]

^ I have been a subject of an INFP comforting me that way. Unfortunately I knew her too well, and she does think like that..

Yeah this happens to me and him a lot... He will know that I'm thinking the worst.

The point of it is that we are projecting onto you the positives about the situation, and that the negatives are irrelevant. It isn't to be taken that we believe the worst will happen, we believe the best will happen. We just keep the worst close by to prevent the worst from happening.

 

[antireconciler]

I'm always looking for something to complete the puzzle, but I usually end up going in circles.

That feeling in particular is probably one of the hardest things to face. So often some innocent exploration of something I'm troubled by suddenly gets linked to a much deeper and darker pattern which has been traversed throughout my own history seemingly endlessly. The whole thing is completely bereft of freshness. It's stale and it stinks and one only gets the feeling that this path has utterly no ending, that everything linked to it is pointless and hopeless, and moreover, you feel embarrassed for it and sick with yourself for finding yourself in such a shameful dynamic.

But you have to face it. You must not run. You must not eject yourself from your thoughts and take some refuge in sensible, worldly things. And it takes a degree of commitment to yourself to do this. It takes some discipline. It takes heart, and it takes courage. But you can do it. Despite the stale rotting atmosphere, begin to look with new eyes. Ask questions. Take nothing for granted except your own strength. Bring your inspiration, your light, your beauty, your life, and your mercy to this dead place. Take heart! ... and it will transform before you. It is this power which moves mountains.

 

[sade]

Yeah this happens to me and him a lot... He will know that I'm thinking the worst.

The point of it is that we are projecting onto you the positives about the situation, and that the negatives are irrelevant. It isn't to be taken that we believe the worst will happen, we believe the best will happen. We just keep the worst close by to prevent the worst from happening.

Oh I didn't mean anything bad, and I appreciate that. I don't think it's bad to think of it, only realistic.
The unfortunate thing was that once I get a wiff of what the worst is (and that she's thinking about it too), I want to put it in the spotlight and contemplate if it really is possible. Or how to confirm or throw the thought away, pros and cons.. ^^'

 

[BlackCat]

Oh I didn't mean anything bad, and I appreciate that. I don't think it's bad to think of it, only realistic.
The unfortunate thing was that once I get a wiff of what the worst is (and that she's thinking about it too), I want to put it in the spotlight and contemplate if it really is possible. Or how to confirm or throw the thought away, pros and cons.. ^^'

I have a bad habit of that too, it's human nature to worry. Just INFJs take worrying to a whole new level.

It's amazing how different the INFs are from each other. I can't see how people even compare them with each other. The same seems to go with the INTs also, INTJs and INTPs are nothing alike to each other yet are compared all the time. I'd say the best comparison for the NFs would be to swap the N with S. I can relate a lot with ISFPs, more than INFJs in the whole problem solving and worrying department.

 

[Jack Flak]

INTJs and INTPs are nothing alike to each other yet are compared all the time.

Oddly, I think the smarter we get, the more alike we become. You know, now that I think about it, it's not that odd. Huh.

Carry on.

 

[Dwigie]

This has been driving me crazy lately. I actually got into MBTI to try to understand why I struggle so much internally, finding that the J is responsible for so much of it.

I was writing in my journal last night over something that has been causing me to lose sleep for the past two weeks, and I quoted this:



I find that to be incredibly true of me. I find that I'm constantly anxious, stressed, or losing sleep over struggling to answer the self-imposed questions I leave myself, trying to better understand my actions, feelings, and motives.

It's been tormenting me so much lately, especially since I can't pinpoint the reason for my latest internal struggle. It makes me wish I weren't an introvert, so I wouldn't feel so at home in my head and the rubix cube I feel so impelled to solve. It makes me wish I weren't a feeler, so I wouldn't be so strongly affected and tormented by my emotions. It makes me wish I were more of a perceiver instead of a judger so I could let things go. But I would never give up the strength of my intuition. Without it, I think I would be perpetually lost.

Not sure what I'm trying to get across. Do other INFJs suffer so much as well? Have you learned any tricks to make it easier?

I used to do so. I changed now, I'm not like this anymore.
I simply accept that "I am what I am" and that constant self-analysis leads nowhere. I used to be extremely immature and let people tell me what to be, if "you break your back trying to be all things to all people" ring a bell to you join the club.
Really....It's a "brand new concept"(some people have lived that way all their lives.No wonder they're so happy)and life is just so much better ever since. No depression, no unrealistic expectations, no trying to be this or that, I don't think I've ever felt better in my entire life.
Well, in my experience that is...
My presumably isfp friend is the complete opposite of a worrier and thank goodness for that.She really "lightens up everything".