"Idealizing love"

[Samvega]

"Idealizing love"

I am dying, one day at a time I'm dying in this matter I have no choice, it's by design. I am however not living one day at a time and in this matter I do have choice. It seems in waiting for things to happen, in allowing time to pass with a hope for change it's rare the change is one you desire. So I have no clue why we make the choices we do to live the lives we do, to sell the only asset we have, our time, in a manner that is of no use to anybody and only a means to facilitate speeding up time.

I have no desire to live that life, no interest in knowing where I'm heading or where I'll be in 5 years. If these were things I already knew what would the point be in doing them. I want stability, I don't want to be some gypsy, nomad, hippie however I want that stability balanced and never at the cost of not being true to myself. I want to invest my time in love, growth, knowledge, being content, I want to always be curious and I don't want to sell out. The relationship I want wouldn't work for 99.99% of people and I'm fine with that. I want to sit down with a woman I love and make a list of things we both want to do, write a book, climb Devils Tower, build a house, live in a different Country, make a quilt, hike the AT, all 2,175 miles of it, even if it takes a month a year for 3 years. I want to chase after some of those goals as a team, some by myself and I want to support somebody as they chase after some of theirs. I don't want to forget what's important to me following the things that have no value and really don't matter. I don't want to settle into a routine or rut and end up not noticing I turned 60 and didn't do anything I'd hoped.

I have forced myself to put checks and balances in place for myself, I will never miss a sunset and haven't in many many years. it grounds me and reminds me just how small I am. I want to do the same in my relationship, take a walk for 30 minutes every day, turn off all forms of communication, computers, cell phones and anything else before we go to bed on Saturday and don't turn them on again till we wake up Monday. I want to have checks in place to remind us where our priorities are. If I can't have this, I will just be alone because without it I will never be fair to the person I'm with, I will always be searching or hoping for you.

Maybe I'm dreaming and idealizing love but if I'm doing it somebody else has to be as well. If time is bad to you it's your friend, if it's good to you it's your enemy, I would love to find somebody to make time my enemy with. So if we're going to make life go by in the snap of a finger let's make it because 500 years together still wouldn't be enough.

 

[jaku]

i don't think true love is a factor in the American Dream.

it doesn't appear to be a part of the American reality. or 99.99% of it at least. You're right that you're not alone, but we're few.

ironically enough i came across this post of yours in the 'recent entries' and intrigued by the title ended up reading through it only minutes after posting my less poetic, more flustered though similar-minded entry asking anyone and everyone where to find a girlfriend that wants me the way i want her to want me (but of her own, healthy will). that's what true love is, I think.
you understand yourself so well that true love can only be realized when someone else deeply desires you for your deepest desires, desirously reciprocated.

s'tough.

i really enjoy your idea for global-communications-free sundays, and also i doubt i will be missing many more sunsets after having read this.

too many of us could benefit immensely from putting in place our own checks and balances. stopping to take a look backward and forward at all we've done and will do and reflecting on ourselves.

thank you for letting me think.

 

[Samvega]

Thanks for the input, I have an INFJ friend I've recently met, he's the first male INFJ I've know and I thoroughly enjoy our interactions. It's also good for me because my Fe is finally starting to really develop as is his Ti so we learn a lot from each other.

I think the plight of an INFJ male is a troubling one and very hard to keep from getting bitter.

I do think the whole journey begins with being true to yourself. I've started to do much better as I began to just be true to me and accept the vast majority of people won't like that person.