[ESFJ] How to seduce an ESFJ

[jixmixfix]

Well???

 

[Edgar]

Give her an engagement ring

 

[Rebe]

1) respectable career
2) dress neatly
3) talk neatly
4) no weird unconventional anything
5) do not talk in abstracts - be concrete and straight-forward

 

[Malice]

This thread actually makes me feel a bit gross. An ESFJ is a person like any other, you can't just expect to follow a set code of 'rules' and have him/her fall straight into your lap all doe-eyed and lusting for your affections. Ugh!

Give her an engagement ring.

I find this response shallow and disgusting. Boys that buy girls flashy anything in the hopes of gaining her affection are pathetic. Money does not equal love, and if it does equal love, then it says a lot about the person you're trying to 'woo' and perhaps should be sending up a red flag or two about the kind of future you two will be sharing together. Unless you're the type of person that enjoys shelling out large sums of cash in return for falsified affection, but it's your wallet, not mine.

1) respectable career
2) dress neatly
3) talk neatly
4) no weird unconventional anything
5) do not talk in abstracts - be concrete and straight-forward

How about you try being yourself? How about you take her out on a fun date? How about you laugh together and share your interests? I fail to see how your career dictates if an ESFJ would find you an agreeable mate or not. "Oh, I'm sorry, you're a student? I only date established lawyers and doctors, this will never work." Give me a break!

My advice to you is that you stop thinking about your girl as a 'group' and more as an individual. Get to know -her- likes and dislikes, -her- personality and the things that make -her- laugh. If who you are already isn't enough for this girl, then she isn't right for you anyway.

 

[Saslou]

You don't seduce an ESFJ .. She seduces you
Granted i am only talking about myself in this case, but hey, it's all good

Give her an engagement ring

You cheeky bastard, lol .. How big is the fake diamond?

 

[tinker683]

I find this response shallow and disgusting. Boys that buy girls flashy anything in the hopes of gaining her affection are pathetic. Money does not equal love, and if it does equal love, then it says a lot about the person you're trying to 'woo' and perhaps should be sending up a red flag or two about the kind of future you two will be sharing together. Unless you're the type of person that enjoys shelling out large sums of cash in return for falsified affection, but it's your wallet, not mine.

Does buying her expensive gifts that you know she'll like fall into this category? I bought my dance partner some private dance lessons for Christmas because I knew how much it meant to her and I wanted to get her something I'd knew she'd really like.

I just want to clear, that's all. I don't think it's the same thing but I'd like your input

 

[Malice]

Does buying her expensive gifts that you know she'll like fall into this category? I bought my dance partner some private dance lessons for Christmas because I knew how much it meant to her and I wanted to get her something I'd knew she'd really like.

I just want to clear, that's all. I don't think it's the same thing but I'd like your input

Lol, on second-glance at this thread I think I may have shot my mouth off a bit Edgar was clearly joking and I overreacted. I apologize. But my point remains firm.

I think I'd have to ask you what your intentions were behind those dance lessons before I could really give you any constructive feedback. I mean, is this dance partner a person that you liked and just wanted to do something nice for on Christmas? Or was this person someone you had feelings for that you were hoping dropping a large sum of cash on would spark a mutual romance?

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about buying someone you like a present, but if you are going out of your way to continually flash your cash around in order to 'bait' them into liking you back it sends some pretty poor signals on both ends.

I believe that people you're interested in should like you for you, not the stuff you buy them or the promise of what they could get out of you if they stick around and play their cards right. I dunno, maybe I'm weird that way. I'm the kind of girl that gets suspicious if someone gives me an expensive gift and expects 'nothing' in return, especially if we're not together. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

 

[swordpath]

*gives Malice a shiny necklace*

 

[Malice]

*takes the bait and runs away*

 

[swordpath]

 

[tinker683]

Lol, on second-glance at this thread I think I may have shot my mouth off a bit Edgar was clearly joking and I overreacted. I apologize. But my point remains firm.

I think I'd have to ask you what your intentions were behind those dance lessons before I could really give you any constructive feedback. I mean, is this dance partner a person that you liked and just wanted to do something nice for on Christmas? Or was this person someone you had feelings for that you were hoping dropping a large sum of cash on would spark a mutual romance?

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing bad about buying someone you like a present, but if you are going out of your way to continually flash your cash around in order to 'bait' them into liking you back it sends some pretty poor signals on both ends.

I believe that people you're interested in should like you for you, not the stuff you buy them or the promise of what they could get out of you if they stick around and play their cards right. I dunno, maybe I'm weird that way. I'm the kind of girl that gets suspicious if someone gives me an expensive gift and expects 'nothing' in return, especially if we're not together. It makes me feel really uncomfortable.

My intentions...well, I'll have to give a brief history lesson before I get to why.

I've been infatuated with her since I first met her. I wasn't actually dancing then but she had suggested it to me as a hobby (I had told her that I was desperately looking for a hobby as I work two jobs and feeling like I was going to go insane if I didn't get an outlet). Hoping I'd learn something new and possibly get closer to her, I accepted.

Well a few months and many dance lessons later, in November, her and I went to social function together which was actually the first dance her and I went to together. You must understand that this was the first time in well...forever...that I've gone to such a function on the arm of a beautiful woman and that the fact that it was with her had me practically levitating into the ballroom.

Well during the social, while we were taking a break, she started to explain to me how much she had forgotten (she used to compete with her then fiance all the time but when they broke up she had stopped altogether) and how much it bothered her not just that she had forgotten so much but also how much of being in a ballroom again reminded her of her ex. She then looked over at me with this pained expression on her face and said, "You need to say something now." which I'm assuming she said because I had been so quiet most of the evening.

I did in fact have something I wanted to say but I didn't say it because at the time I didn't want her to feel awkward and weird, particularily at a point when I suspected she felt quite vulnerable. I had wanted to tell her how I was having a fantastic time, how it was really nice being at a dance where I actually know what I'm doing and that I'm there with a beautiful woman (I was a geek in high school and girls weren't really interested in me). But most importantly I wanted to tell her how glad I was just to be there with her.

But as I said, I didn't want her to feel awkward and weird around me, so instead I offered words of encouragement and support and that seemed ok to her (from what I could tell anyway). I hated though that I couldn't do or say much of anything that would cheer her up as I was on cloud 9 at the time and wanted her to feel the same.

Well, near the end of the evening my dance instructor (who was hosting this function) offered a "Christmas Gift" sale of her private lessons. When she offered that, I immediately thought it would be perfect for Rebecca (my dance partner). I knew how important dancing was to her but more importantly (and I hope this makes sense or comes out coherent) but I wanted her to think of dancing as being something that was hers again, you know? Something that she could have by herself and that she was allowed to enjoy again for her own sake and that she didn't need me or her ex or anyone for that matter to love doing it. Does that make any sense?

Lastly, I also wanted to do something that said, "I care about how you feel" without having to actually verbalize it. At that point in time I hadn't told her how I felt about her.

So I did. I bought her 8 private lessons (which came out to a price tag of about $385) and when I gave it to her, I tried stressing to her that I had purchased these just for her and that, after she offered me to come join her, that while I would have loved to have joined her if she really wanted me there, she did not need to feel like it was for the both of us - that it was just for her.

In retrospect, while I don't think I did anything wrong per se, I do think I made her feel very guilty - like she was then obligated to give me something in return. I tried stressing to her that she didn't need too but still...I can't help but wonder if what I did was inappropriate.

I know what it is you were trying to say in your original post and while I don't believe my intentions were the same as the OP's (no matter how snarky he was just being), I still wanted your thoughts on the matter and "gift purchasing" is often one of the ways I like to express affection.

Also, sorry to gush and go off on a tangent like that. I have a tendency to be very long winded when I'm discussing personal matters like that (you need only glance over my blog to see that).

 

[Malice]

Yeah...I dunno, dude. I get where you're coming from and why you did what you did but $400 is a lot to drop on someone you're not with. I can see why she felt a bit uncomfortable with it, and as much as I'm sure she appreciated the gesture I think you're probably spot on about the fact that she felt obligated to repay you in some way. I think any good person would.

I'd say in the future, if you really care about this girl, work on your self confidence and take things slow. This is no longer high school, and while you may still be a geek [I sure am anyway ] you've got to realize that you've become much more than the image for your former 15 year old self.

I had wanted to tell her how I was having a fantastic time, how it was really nice being at a dance where I actually know what I'm doing and that I'm there with a beautiful woman (I was a geek in high school and girls weren't really interested in me). But most importantly I wanted to tell her how glad I was just to be there with her.

See, I think this was really romantic. And I can't really comment on how well it would have went over not knowing much about you, her, or your relationship to one another, but I think in that moment when she turned to you and asked you to say something it would have been an opportune way to...

1). Drop a compliment and make her feel pretty/appreciated/etc.
2). Potentially hint that you're interested in being more than friends.
3). Guide the conversation to a more pleasing topic.

I wish you well with it.

 

[Quinlan]

You don't seduce an ESFJ .. She seduces you
Granted i am only talking about myself in this case, but hey, it's all good

This ^.

ESFJs get what they want.

 

[tinker683]

Yeah...I dunno, dude. I get where you're coming from and why you did what you did but $400 is a lot to drop on someone you're not with. I can see why she felt a bit uncomfortable with it, and as much as I'm sure she appreciated the gesture I think you're probably spot on about the fact that she felt obligated to repay you in some way. I think any good person would.

She did, and while there was this period of awkwardness I think on her part, she's actually now going to put them to use after all this time, which I'm glad for. I think I was very well meaning but I came on too strong. Lesson learned and all that.

I'd say in the future, if you really care about this girl, work on your self confidence and take things slow. This is no longer high school, and while you may still be a geek [I sure am anyway ] you've got to realize that you've become much more than the image for your former 15 year old self.

My self-confidence is actually the highest it's ever been so that's not a problem for me. I used to have next to no self esteem for the longest time but after going through a really serious bout of depression about 9 years ago and after 2 hospitalizations and 6 years of therapy, I'm actually at a really good place for myself.

I only mentioned it as, at the time, it was a new experience for me and one that I was really glad I was getting to take in. That she was there just made it all the better for me.

See, I think this was really romantic. And I can't really comment on how well it would have went over not knowing much about you, her, or your relationship to one another, but I think in that moment when she turned to you and asked you to say something it would have been an opportune way to...

1). Drop a compliment and make her feel pretty/appreciated/etc.
2). Potentially hint that you're interested in being more than friends.
3). Guide the conversation to a more pleasing topic.

I wish you well with it.

Good advice, I wouldn't expect any less from an ESFJ. I'll be the first to admit that my social-craft has a lot of room for improvement, though I've managed to get by thus far. Of your 3 options, I personally would have opted for number 1. I've always tried to make her feel safe and appreciated around me.

As for her and I, we're just friends and we will very likely remain that way (although interestingly enough, we're closer now than we've ever been). On Valentine's Day I was finally upfront with her about how I felt and while I didn't say everything I wanted to say, I did make it very clear how I felt about her. She was very nice about it, but told me she wasn't interested in a relationship at the time and asked if I could agree to be friends with her.

Which is fine with me. I had come to know about 2 weeks prior about this and realized that my infatuation with her, however well meaning, was something I needed to move past. I came to the realization that I needed to change my thinking and instead of thinking, "I wish I could be with her" to instead think, "I'm really quite lucky to have her as a friend and should treasure that."

So I'm working on moving on which, to be brutally honest, I've only made some success with and I'm still working on it. In the meantime, her and I seem to be getting closer and while I still get that 'rush' every time I see her, I try my best to just dwell in the pleasure of it and then refocus and move on to other things. Maybe things will work out with her and I, maybe not. I don't know but to be honest, so long she's at least my friend, I'll be ok with that.

To the OP: Sorry to getting drastically off topic, I made this about me and drifted the topic WAY off course. I don't know exactly HOW different ESFJ's are from ISFJ's but I imagine the differences aren't that many. If they're anything like me, then they'll respond well to genuine displays of affection (the sweeter and more love-dovey, the better)

But again that's assuming they're anything like me. I'll happily let my extroverted counterparts correct me if I'm wrong

 

[jixmixfix]

I fail horribly at these things...lol...

 

[Giggly]

This ^.

ESFJs get what they want.

I fail horribly at these things...lol...

But those are the things that will get her thinking about seducing you.

 

[swordpath]

I fail horribly at these things...lol...

Well then you'll fail with ESFJs.