[INFJ] How does an INFJ show interest in someone?

[AutumnReverie]

I'm currently interested in a male INFJ. The problem is...I have no idea how to tell if he's interested in me (romantically) at all. Being an ISTJ, I already have trouble recognizing if someone's interested in me , but it seems like this INFJ in particular is very difficult to figure out. One day I think he might like me...the next day, I'm not as sure. I'd like to be more than 70% sure before deciding to put myself out there even more than I already have (which hasn't been much since I'm shy enough as it is in these situations). At the moment, I'm only 50% sure.

Anyways, if you all would help me out I would very much appreciate it. Oh and situation-specific details can be given upon request. Obviously, I already have a word document with my version of a Pro/Con list uploaded and on standby haha (i.e. categories: "signs that he does like me as a friend", "signs that he likes me romantically", and "signs that he doesn't like me romantically" list with specific examples under each category). I love lists...sorry.

TO INFJs (preferably males, but females can answer as well):
1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
10. How should one go about pursuing you?

ULTIMATE QUESTION: (if you'd rather just answer one instead of ten) How do you show interest in someone?

Also if other types want to jump in that's fine too. My personal situation aside, I'm definitely interested in seeing how other types would answer these questions as well!

Edited to add: Our ages (if it matters): I'm about to turn 21, he's about to turn 20.

 

[Fidelia]

Read Wyst's blog in the NF section. He's an INFJ and most of those questions are covered in one way or another. Other than that Peguy? Pitseleh? What've you got to say?

 

[AutumnReverie]

Read Wyst's blog in the NF section. He's an INFJ and most of those questions are covered in one way or another.

Thanks! I'll check it out. I'd still love to hear from others though as well...

 

[Lauren Ashley]

I'd still love to hear from others though as well...

From female INFJs?

 

[AutumnReverie]

From female INFJs?

Sure! The male INFJ perspective would probably be most applicable to my problem, but female INFJ is still INFJ, right? So I'd love to hear it.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Have any of you female INFJs (or other types) had romantic experiences with male INFJs? [...]Maybe I should get his advice as well though?

Nope. I know a male INFJ who is in a relationship with a female ENTP. He is quiet and somewhat shy, but she was very obvious about her interest in him, so it allowed him to open up a bit more. You still may want to get the advice of your friend.

Now for your questions...

1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
I'll talk to the guy, be very attentive to anything he says or does, smile, laugh, etc. Subtle, but not. Sometimes I have to be more forward with introverts. But I'm not going to do anything grandiose. I usually watch the person to see what they're like before making my move.

2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
No, I try to cut my losses.

3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
If we've been dating for some time, yes, I'll feel the need to know where we're headed.

4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
Like my usual self, except more open and overtly happy.

5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
Don't drop any cheesy lines, invade my space, be too loud and boisterous. Just sincerely ask. But don't persist if it's obvious I'm not interested. That will only result in me trying to avoid you.

To show his interest, one guy (ENFP) just kissed me on the lips out of nowhere, while we were talking. I just looked like , afterward. We did end up in a relationship because I was already interested in him, however I wouldn't really recommend this...

6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
Depends. If it's going very well, not too long.

7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
If I ask personal info about the person or smile and laugh [more than usual], that's probably a hint. But there are no dead giveaways.

8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
If it's a very introverted person, I'll make the first move. I probably won't ask them out, but I'll show my interest by doing the things I listed in number 1.

9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
I don't think I have one. Anything that isn't too messy is okay.

10. How should one go about pursuing you?
Be consistent. Consistency is probably the biggest factor, because if you all of a sudden stop calling, talking to me, etc, I'm going to assume you're no longer interested.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Nope. I know a male INFJ who is in a relationship with a female ENTP. He is the quiet and somewhat shy, but she was very obvious about her interest in him, so it allowed him to open up a bit more. You still may want to get the advice of your friend.

Thanks, I think I'll definitely ask him for advice as well.

Now for your questions...

1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
I'll talk to the guy, be very attentive to anything he says or does, smile, laugh, etc. Subtle, but not.

Hmm, well he definitely is attentive when we talk. He's a great listener and also equally holds up his end of the conversation (and smiles, laughs, etc.). But how can I tell if he's doing this because he likes me as a friend or something more? Do you do something different when you're being an attentive to a friend-interest vs. a romantic-interest?

7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
If I ask personal info about the person or smile and laugh [more than usual], that's probably a hint. But there are no dead giveaways.

Hmm, the last time we hung out he asked personal questions...but I'm fairly certain that I asked them first. Then after he answered and we had discussed/laughed/talked about that, he would turn the question back around on me and I would answer and he would ask follow up questions. I'm not too sure though, our conversations always kind of flow naturally from one subject and question to another. So I can't really remember that well who asked what.

8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
If it's a very introverted person, I'll make the first move. I probably won't ask them out, but I'll show my interest by doing the things I listed in number 1.

What kind of "move" would you probably make, if not ask them out (other than just talking to them more and being more attentive)?

10. How should one go about pursuing you?
Be consistent. Consistency is probably the biggest factor, because if you all of a sudden stop calling, talking to me, etc, I'm going to assume you're no longer interested.

...Oh, this worries me a bit. I started talking to him around April (I think) but I didn't actually realize that I liked him until recently. So my behavior definitely wasn't consistent because I was still thinking about if I liked him as just a friend or not. But, I'll try to be more consistent in the future now that I'm sure of what I think. Thanks for the tip and thanks so much for answering the questions! This has definitely helped a bit already.

 

[istina]

I'm female, btw. An INFJ nonetheless, though.

1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
If they were across the room, I'd probably glance over at the person and then look away. If we were in a small group together, I'd ask questions and be genuinely interested in their answers.

2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
No. Never. I would if I were pretty sure they were interested, though.

3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
When I was younger, I went with the flow and let the other person dictate the nature of our relationship. Now, though, I'd initiate defining the dating relationship.

4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
I'd probably be nervously chatty.

5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
Ideally, in writing. That way, if I weren't interested I could explain to them through words that I wasn't interested but that that didn't mean they weren't a great person. In person, I'd be a stuttering mess. Most people don't like dealing with that kind of thing through writing, though, so I'd just want them to be direct.

6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
I would only date exclusively. When I'm interested, I'm interested in one person until it doesn't work out anymore.

7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
It's subtle. Eye contact is a major tell. I'm very affected by what's going on around me. When I'm having a conversation with someone I'm only friends with, I'm aware of noises and people around me and will often look to see what's going on in my vicinity. When I'm interested in someone, though, they're all I see. My focus is laser-sharp and I look them in the eye and will only very occasionally break eye contact. If I remember seemingly insignificant details about someone, I'm interested. If I initiate conversation with someone without waiting for them to approach me, I'm interested.

8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
Never. I never have. I would if I knew I'd have to be the one to do it, but I'd have to be relatively sure they were interested, too.

9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
Hiking in the woods. Doing someone outside that's one-on-one so that we'd be able to talk.

10. How should one go about pursuing you?
Ideally, going out of your way to spend time with me. I'm happiest when I'm spending time one-on-one with someone and I'm able to get to know them and what they think and how they feel and they're able to do the same with me. If someone initiated spending time with me and we got to the point where we were comfortable being ourselves, be direct and tell me how you feel. You probably would already have me.

 

[AutumnReverie]

2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
No. Never. I would if I were pretty sure they were interested, though.

Are there any specific signs you look for to tell if someone's interested? I don't really know how to flirt (and I usually don't try) so I doubt guys even know what I'm thinking. My male INFJ best friend actually told me this past summer that I'm very hard to read...and he's known me for 3 years! But I definitely want to let this guy know that I'm interested without being too obvious about it.

4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
I'd probably be nervously chatty.

The last time we hung out...I think that's how I was. Hopefully it wasn't a huge turn off though...

7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
It's subtle. Eye contact is a major tell. I'm very affected by what's going on around me. When I'm having a conversation with someone I'm only friends with, I'm aware of noises and people around me and will often look to see what's going on in my vicinity. When I'm interested in someone, though, they're all I see. My focus is laser-sharp and I look them in the eye and will only very occasionally break eye contact. If I remember seemingly insignificant details about someone, I'm interested. If I initiate conversation with someone without waiting for them to approach me, I'm interested.

Hm well the last time we went out to dinner, I didn't notice him looking around at other people. In fact, he didn't even notice that we were the last ones in the restaurant and that the restaurant was closing until I pointed it out to him. Then he was like "Really?" and looked around to see the waiters putting up chairs and such, haha.

As for the insignificant details...he remembered that I don't like chocolate and he remembered something I asked him back in May. But I think there was also something else that he didn't remember though...like I think he forgot that I was partially lactose intolerant. So I don't know...I guess it could go either way.

10. How should one go about pursuing you?
Ideally, going out of your way to spend time with me. I'm happiest when I'm spending time one-on-one with someone and I'm able to get to know them and what they think and how they feel and they're able to do the same with me. If someone initiated spending time with me and we got to the point where we were comfortable being ourselves, be direct and tell me how you feel. You probably would already have me.

Thanks for the advice! I'll definitely take it into consideration. And if I become at least 70%+ sure that he likes me, I'll try to push myself to just be direct and tell him how I feel.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Hmm, well he definitely is attentive when we talk. He's a great listener and also equally holds up his end of the conversation (and smiles, laughs, etc.). But how can I tell if he's doing this because he likes me as a friend or something more? Do you do something different when you're being an attentive to a friend-interest vs. a romantic-interest?

Hmmm...I guess with friends I'm more silly. With a romantic interest, it's more like giggly, girly laughter and smiles with wubbie eyes -->

What kind of "move" would you probably make, if not ask them out (other than just talking to them more and being more attentive)?

Other than that, I'll try to be in their presence more often, do nice things for them, etc. Just make it more obvious that I'm interested in them. I wouldn't ask someone out before I knew them very well, so this also helps in getting to know them.

...Oh, this worries me a bit. I started talking to him around April (I think) but I didn't actually realize that I liked him until recently. So my behavior definitely wasn't consistent because I was still thinking about if I liked him as just a friend or not. But, I'll try to be more consistent in the future now that I'm sure of what I think.

That's okay. You weren't actively pursuing him, so no harm, no foul.

*I read question 6 wrong. I interpreted it as "decide to be in a relationship with them." But as far as dating, I'm with istina; I only date one person at a time.

The last time we hung out[...]well the last time we went out to dinner.

You two have been to dinner already? That's a good sign. He probably knows you're interested in him, and might be interested in you as well. INFJs don't go out of their way to engage people they're not interested in.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Hmmm...I guess with friends I'm more silly. With a romantic interest, it's more like giggly, girly laughter and smiles with wubbie eyes -->

Haha now I'm imagining an INFJ guy being giggly with wubbie eyes.

Other than that, I'll try to be in their presence more often, do nice things for them, etc. Just make it more obvious that I'm interested in them. I wouldn't ask someone out before I knew them very well, so this also helps in getting to know them.

Ahh, this makes more sense. With most guys that are interested in me (as a friend or romantically) will make it known relatively fast and will be fairly obvious about their intent. But with this guy, the building of the relationship/friendship process has felt very slow in comparison. Even though a part of me is impatient and just wants to cut to the point (my ISTJ), a larger part of me actually likes that he takes so long to build his relationships with the people. I guess it shows just how much INFJs care.

That's okay. You weren't actively pursuing him, so no harm, no foul.

Yay!

You two have been to dinner already? That's a good sign. He probably knows you're interested in him, and might be interested in you as well.

Really? I hope that's the case! I was actually really surprised when he asked (since I know that he's definitely not normally an "initiator") Before he asked, I was thinking about maybe asking him to a Chinese restaurant for lunch on Wednesday or something...and instead, he asked me first to this really nice restaurant for dinner on Friday.

INFJs don't go out of their way to engage people they're not interested in.

He's really "nice" though...so that's why I'm so unsure as to whether he does stuff because he's interested in me or because he's just being nice. But your input definitely has me thinking.

 

[Lauren Ashley]

Haha now I'm imagining an INFJ guy being giggly with wubbie eyes.

You know, the two confirmed INFJ males I know did give their girlfriends wubbie eyes when they were first interested in them, and still do sometimes. There's just a little twinkle there and a dreamy grin. So that part might be applicable.

Really? I hope that's the case! I was actually really surprised when he asked (since I know that he's definitely not normally an "initiator") Before he asked, I was thinking about maybe asking him to a Chinese restaurant for lunch on Wednesday or something...and instead, he asked me first to this really nice restaurant for dinner on Friday.

He's really "nice" though...so that's why I'm so unsure as to whether he does stuff because he's interested in me or because he's just being nice.

How does he act around others? Does he spend time with them? He could just be very nice, but I've never known it be an INFJ's way to ask someone out if they weren't interested in them; at least interested in being very good friends with them.

 

[AutumnReverie]

You know, the two confirmed INFJ males I know did give their girlfriends wubbie eyes when they were first interested in them, and still do sometimes. There's just a little twinkle there and a dreamy grin. So that part might be applicable.

Aww, that's so cute!

How does he act around others? Does he spend time with them? He could just be very nice, but I've never known it be an INFJ's way to ask someone out if they weren't interested in them; at least interested in being very good friends with them.

Hm well from what I've observed, around others he seems a bit more extroverted, sometimes louder, a bit less inhibited. When he's around me, he's definitely introverted, more soft-spoken, he still talks a good amount (there are never any awkward silences between & we talk for hours), but he seems to think more before he speaks (although that could just be because of the nature of the conversations and/or questions I ask), when we joke around/banter it's still lighthearted though.

As for if he spends time with them...I'm not sure.

One possible problem though:
I usually go on Facebook about maybe 7 days a month (I don't like to go to often since it makes me feel slightly stalkerish ), but when I looked at his page I saw an oldish (Early Sept) message from his sister that said:

"Guess who's coming to visit you? ME! And you'd better introduce me to a CERTAIN someone..."

This makes me think that he may have someone else he likes. Which is part of why I'm only 50% sure this INFJ likes me. :sad: Am I misinterpreting his sister's message? Because usually "certain" someone refers to someone one is interested in, right? The week she sent this message was the same week we went out to dinner. Would an INFJ still go out to dinner on Friday night with a girl (even as just a "friend") if he/she was interested in someone else?

 

[Keps Mnemnosyne]

I am a male INFJ, but one that is young and inexperienced. I accidentally closed the tab, with only two questions left to go, so this is going to be a bit abridged as I don't want to write everything again. If you have questions feel free to ask.

1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person? I would talk, hang out and tease her.

2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you? In general, no.

3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow? Define.

4. On a first date, how do you usually act? Overly talkative for me, still a good listener.

5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person? Upfront and in private and this applies to being approached by or asking her.

6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively? Immediately.

7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody? Talkative, and always trying to get her in a small group event with me or just us time.

8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out? Always, no woman has had the nerve to ask me out. Don't know why though. My best guess is they are like you unsure of whether I like them or not.

9. What would be your ideal date (activity)? For me dinner+ hiking while talking about her life and ideas shared or contended between us.

10. How should one go about pursuing you? OOH, I LIKE THIS QUESTION. If only more women thought like this. I think I would like her to spend time with me, so we could find out more about each other and whether we really like each other. Some playful teasing and then asked out.

AutumnReverie, dinner on Friday to a nice restaurant sounds like a date; lunches are for friends, dinner is a date unless they have been good friends for a year(?) or I know the girl is interested in someone else.

I've never known it be an INFJ's way to ask someone out if they weren't interested in them; at least interested in being very good friends with them. is very true.

Also I like ISTJS. So good luck and report what happens on Friday please?

 

[AutumnReverie]

I am a male INFJ, but one that is young and inexperienced. I accidentally closed the tab, with only two questions left to go, so this is going to be a bit abridged as I don't want to write everything again. If you have questions feel free to ask.

A male INFJ? Yay! Thanks so much for answering these questions for me.

1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person? I would talk, hang out and tease her.

Hmm there definitely was some teasing when we first started talking. Although, I think I teased him (with sarcasm) more than he teased me.

7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody? Talkative, and always trying to get her in a small group event with me or just us time.

Hmm well in the one class we had together last semester, we would always pair up together for assignments. He said he liked partnering with me because I was the smartest girl in class...which definitely was not true, my German is not that great (and he did most of the work on the projects because he was the better translator). But, again, he's very "nice" so the compliment could be taken either way.

8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out? Always, no woman has had the nerve to ask me out. Don't know why though. My best guess is they are like you unsure of whether I like them or not.

Probably. It definitely takes a lot of guts to ask someone out when you're unsure of the response.

9. What would be your ideal date (activity)? For me dinner+ hiking while talking about her life and ideas shared or contended between us.

What about a picnic (outdoor + dinner)?

AutumnReverie, dinner on Friday to a nice restaurant sounds like a date; lunches are for friends, dinner is a date unless they have been good friends for a year(?) or I know the girl is interested in someone else.

Oh well we haven't known each other that long so I wouldn't say we're really good friends. It's weird because we talk hours every time we get together, but he doesn't feel like a "friend" (we don't hang out in the same way I hang out with my other guy friends) but we're definitely more than acquaintances because we've had tons of long/personal conversations.

I hope it wasn't a date...I would hate to have gone on a date without even realizing it He first suggested that we should "hang out" sometime soon. I said sure. Then he asked if I'd want to have dinner on Friday night. And I said yes, obviously. So I don't think it was a date, since "hanging out" is a friend thing, right? ...Oh, why do ISTJs have to be so socially dense? I honestly have no clue with these sort of things unless it's spelled out for me (as in: "I. like. you."), haha. Would an INFJ ever spell things out like that? Would you?

Also I like ISTJS. So good luck and report what happens on Friday please?

Aw, really? Well the Friday dinner went really well. I was afraid that it'd be awkward because weekday lunches or so different from a Friday dinner, but it actually wasn't awkward at all. We ended up staying at the restaurant for at least 3 or so hours just talking (till closing). Then he walked me to the bus stop and waited with me till my bus came. As soon as I saw my bus though, I almost walked away really fast because I was afraid that it would leave without me (since it was night)...but he stopped me by saying that he liked spending time with me and had a good time, that we should do it again, and that he would call me. Me, being paranoid about my bus, hastily agreed and yelled "Sure, call me" as I was running toward the bus. :blushing:

We have plans to "hang out" again next weekend (I'm the one who asked him this time)...but I'm not quite sure what activity we should do. I don't want to suggest anything with romantic implications in case he just likes me as a friend, because that would make him uncomfortable (and then we'd be awkward). So maybe, a picnic? Movie in the park? Art gallery? I don't know...anymore suggestions?

 

[Keps Mnemnosyne]

Yeah that sounds like it would be a first date for me...I should be embarrassed for being so passive, but oh well. A picnic sounds even better than dinner, but it is so much harder to do, plus it can potentially drive the other person away. Umm, you don't want to do anything with romantic implications? He has shown interest in you as at least as a good friend. I would suggest that you match his risk taking so he knows he isn't mistaking your signals...if he is like me then on a second date he would probably ask you if you know that he likes you (my need to define a relationship). For where to go, do something you both like...my specific suggestion might be a restaurant with German food if you can to be a subtle reminder of how you two spent a lot of time together?

Thanks Fidelia for the suggestion of reading blogs as that may help me I hope.

 

[Requeim]

B]TO INFJs[/B] (preferably males, but females can answer as well):
1. How would you try to catch the eye of another person?
2. Would you ever ask somebody out before they had demonstrated distinct interest in you?
3. Once you have made contact, do you try to define the dating relationship? Or do you go with the flow?
4. On a first date, how do you usually act?
5. How would you like to be approached/asked out by an interested person?
6. How long does it take for you to decide to date exclusively?
7. What do you do that you consider a "dead give-away" that you like somebody?
8. How often do you take the initiative/make the first move/ask someone out?
9. What would be your ideal date (activity)?
10. How should one go about pursuing you?

1. look for eye contact at all times, smile a lot, ask personal questions, pop into the persons field of view randomly etc.
2. never, and probably not even after they had showed interest, i just can't do it
3. i can't say as i haven't been in a relationship yet
4. haven't been on a date before, but i would be very very nervous i think, and scared of saying something wrong.
5. it doesn't matter really, i'm not used to to people showing an interest in me romantically (or whatever) so any way would be fine by me
6. i don't know what date exclusively means
7. EVERYTHING.. Seriously if you notice anything subtle or small clues or hints in my body language i'm doing it for a reason, nothing is random. I do this all the time if i'm into somebody, but nobody has ever acted on it (or noticed it i guess) heavy flirting by my standards is hardly even flirting in "real" terms
8. never :/
9. just talking really, getting to know the other person. It would also be nice if they would ask me a bit about myself and seem like they care. I rarely get to talk about myself on ordinary days.
10. just do something, if they are sure i'm into them as well it really doesn't matter.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Umm, you don't want to do anything with romantic implications? He has shown interest in you as at least as a good friend. I would suggest that you match his risk taking so he knows he isn't mistaking your signals...if he is like me then on a second date he would probably ask you if you know that he likes you (my need to define a relationship).

Thanks for the advice! Yeah, I guess I should match his risk...as I wouldn't want him to think I was uninterested.

For where to go, do something you both like...my specific suggestion might be a restaurant with German food if you can to be a subtle reminder of how you two spent a lot of time together?

That sounds like a good idea! I'll look if I can find one in the area.

Thanks Fidelia for the suggestion of reading blogs as that may help me I hope.

I'll definitely be reading them.

7. EVERYTHING.. Seriously if you notice anything subtle or small clues or hints in my body language i'm doing it for a reason, nothing is random. I do this all the time if i'm into somebody, but nobody has ever acted on it (or noticed it i guess) heavy flirting by my standards is hardly even flirting in "real" terms.

Hmm, what sort of subtle hints in your body language/flirting do you do? I usually don't notice flirting unless it's obvious (and if it's obvious, I'm usually turned off ...so it's a good thing I like an INFJ). But if I knew what specific things to look for, then I would definitely notice and pick up on them.

Also, GENERAL QUESTION for the INFJs: How do you feel about touching/hugs?

Like I mentioned before, my closest friend is also a male INFJ and he'll hug me when we haven't seen each other in awhile (we went to highschool together, but now both go to different colleges). But he's known me for awhile and I can't remember him doing that before we had actually known each other for at least a year. Probably because he knows that I'm an ISTJ and I'm not a "hugger" but I'll do it if I know it'll make the other person happy.

So...the next time we go out, would giving him a hug be inappropriate/make him feel uncomfortable? I know he probably has a bunch of ENFP girl friends who do that all the time without any pause, but it might be different with me since he probably already knows that I'm shyer & not as touchy-feely. :blushing: But I just want to make sure he knows I'm interested in a more concrete way, since I've been told that I'm "hard to read" before when it comes to things like this. I usually tend to show my affection through tiny gestures like remembering a small detail about a person and applying that knowledge to do something nice for them related to that...but sometimes small things like that go unnoticed. I think though, if I were in a relationship with someone, I wouldn't mind being touchy (although in private, obviously )...but with friends and even family, I'm more hesitant.

This probably seems like a stupid question to feelers (who this comes more naturally too, yes?) but I just thought I'd ask. I'm overthinking right now, I know...

 

[istina]

Are there any specific signs you look for to tell if someone's interested?

Like I said previously, if someone is looking to spend one-on-one time with me, that's a pretty good indicator. The hard thing about being an INFJ, though, (at least for me) is that we analyze until there's just nothing left to analyze. Like you made a pro/con list, we're more likely to do that in our heads. For every pro, though, I can come up with a reason or two why whatever was said or done was perfectly normal and not a sign of interest. It's quite exhausting. I have a lot of sympathy for you because I'm in the same boat. ISFPs, come answer these questions.

The last time we hung out...I think that's how I was. Hopefully it wasn't a huge turn off though...

Most likely, it wasn't. I love chatty people. It makes me less nervous. They're taking control of the conversation and it puts me more at ease until I'm finally comfortable and able to be myself.

This wasn't directed to me, but I think it's a very, very, very good sign that he asked you out to dinner. As a general rule, I very rarely will ask someone to spend time with me. I wait to be asked. Only until I'm certain the other person likes being around me will I take the initiative. And this could be just a me thing, but I don't really hang out with a guy one-on-one unless I'm interested in him. I have guy friends that I'm not interested in romantically and we spend time together in a group with other of our close friends. I don't feel the need to seek them out one-on-one because nothing romantic will happen.

Also, GENERAL QUESTION for the INFJs: How do you feel about touching/hugs?

I love both, but I usually don't initiate. When I get to a point where I feel very close to someone, then I'll initiate and see what kind of response physically I get from them. I say hug 'im next time you hang out. It's subtle. I don't think it'll throw him over to the side of "Oh, she likes me!" because it's such a small gesture, but I think it'll tell him that you're comfortable with him, you appreciate spending time with him, and if he remembers you're not a huggy person, he'll feel good that you wanted to hug him.

This isn't connected to anything, I was just musing: I really feel for someone trying to figure out if an INFJ is interested. For me, it's everything I normally do, just more so. I like looking in someone's eyes when I'm talking to them because it shows them I'm interested in what they have to say. I like knowing facts and personal information about someone. I usually remember details about someone that are seemingly unimportant. I like playing armchair psychologist for someone going through something or for someone that went through something in the past. None of that means I'm interested in someone romantically. It's just because I'm an INFJ. When I am interested romantically in someone, it's all of these things to a different degree. Like I said before, it's laser-sharp eye contact, it's following up on something someone said a week ago, it's remembering small details about them, etc. The shift is very much internal, not external. I always feel like I'm being extremely obvious, but that's only because something has shifted inside for me. So, I feel for you and anyone else trying to gauge interest from an INFJ. We're subtle creatures, perhaps too subtle.

 

[AutumnReverie]

Like I said previously, if someone is looking to spend one-on-one time with me, that's a pretty good indicator. The hard thing about being an INFJ, though, (at least for me) is that we analyze until there's just nothing left to analyze. Like you made a pro/con list, we're more likely to do that in our heads. For every pro, though, I can come up with a reason or two why whatever was said or done was perfectly normal and not a sign of interest. It's quite exhausting. I have a lot of sympathy for you because I'm in the same boat. ISFPs, come answer these questions.

Well it's good to know we're in the same boat! So maybe he's over analyzing my actions as much as I'm over analyzing his?

Most likely, it wasn't. I love chatty people. It makes me less nervous. They're taking control of the conversation and it puts me more at ease until I'm finally comfortable and able to be myself.

Thanks, that makes me feel better! I was definitely worried about that before.

This wasn't directed to me, but I think it's a very, very, very good sign that he asked you out to dinner. As a general rule, I very rarely will ask someone to spend time with me. I wait to be asked. Only until I'm certain the other person likes being around me will I take the initiative. And this could be just a me thing, but I don't really hang out with a guy one-on-one unless I'm interested in him. I have guy friends that I'm not interested in romantically and we spend time together in a group with other of our close friends. I don't feel the need to seek them out one-on-one because nothing romantic will happen.

True. I've had a lot of guy friends in the past but I'd avoid going to one-on-one dinner with them unless I was interested or they were gay.

We made the general plans to "hang out" again this past Friday. So I'm thinking maybe around Wednesday(?) I'll send him a text that says something like:
"Hey Did you still want to do something this weekend? If so, I was thinking...[insert activity or restaurant name]?"

Does that sound okay?