[INFJ] How do you get an INFJ to forgive you?

[Julie1962]

I inadvertently insulted and offended a friend who is an INFJ. It has been a few days and he is still mad, sending sarcastic responses to my emails. :steam:

As an IsFP (Peacemaker) forgiveness comes so easily to me. I know that I myself am not perfect and can be insensitive. Therefore I easily forgive others who have hurt me and later have shown remorse.

So I don't understand why it is taking him so long to forgive despite my heartfelt apologies. I seem to be making the matter worse by trying to explain and defend my offensive comments. I don't want to lose this friendship. I don't know what else to do?

I don't know if this means that I am not worth granting forgiveness. I tend to forgive those who are most significant in my life more easily over those who are not. Is that the same with INFJs? Or are they just hypersensitive the more they care what you think of them?

Thanks for your response.

 

[Phantonym]

You most definitely are worth granting forgiveness, so don't worry about that. I think your friend just needs some time to analyze his feelings about the whole situation.

You're most probably right about the hypersensitivity. I can't speak for all INFJ's, but I tend to hold people closest to me to high standards, so when they happen to hurt my feelings, it takes a while to sort out how I feel. With others, I don't offend easily.

Give it some time, don't try so hard to make contact but don't get offended by the lack of contact for a while. It is not meant to hurt you deliberately. Most likely, when your friend is ready to discuss things, he will contact you.

Good luck with everything!

 

[sillylittlemouse]

Personally (as an INFx), I dont offend easily. It would have to be something malicious, something said or done with a precise, deliberate intention (at least from my point of view) to hurt me, to really cause offense. So if someone does manage to, then that's it. It's over. I wont harbor any ill feeling towards them but once that level of trust has been destroyed, it would take a hell of alot to be rebuilt. In that sense, I forgive, but I never forget.

However the good news is that you said you inadvertantly offended your INFJ friend. So, it probably wont be instantaneous, but once they've mulled things over in their head (and the cooling off / sulking period may take a little while), eventually they'll see it wasn't a deliberate thing and come around.
INFJs strongly value their close friendships and wont severe ties with anyone lightly.

 

[HollyGolightly]

I inadvertently insulted and offended a friend who is an INFJ. It has been a few days and he is still mad, sending sarcastic responses to my emails. :steam:

As an IsFP (Peacemaker) forgiveness comes so easily to me. I know that I myself am not perfect and can be insensitive. Therefore I easily forgive others who have hurt me and later have shown remorse.

So I don't understand why it is taking him so long to forgive despite my heartfelt apologies. I seem to be making the matter worse by trying to explain and defend my offensive comments. I don't want to lose this friendship. I don't know what else to do?

I don't know if this means that I am not worth granting forgiveness. I tend to forgive those who are most significant in my life more easily over those who are not. Is that the same with INFJs? Or are they just hypersensitive the more they care what you think of them?

Thanks for your response.

Hmm...well I can't speak for all INFJs but I can speak for this one...and I sometimes act like this. I will respond sarcastically when someone apologises because I usually fall out with someone after letting a lot of things slide for a long time... when I say this, it isn't always things they have done...it could be just general problems piling up in my life. Then I usually fall out with them over something silly...but that silly something just pushes me over the edge.
And yes, you probably are making it worse by explaining and defending your offensive comments. I can forgive someone is they are honest and say: "I screwed up. I can't make any excuses for what I did. I'm sorry." But when people try to excuse their behaviour...even if there reasons might very well be true and not just excuses...I feel that they are tryingto justify what they have done and this greatly offends me.
I would just give him time. We need to hide from the world for a while when we are wounded and sort things in our head. Human contact just feels like a load of background noise when you're trying to concentrate. You have tried to make peace and you have apologised so that is all you can do. Some people have offended me accidentally but I feel pain very intensely so I can be a little self absorbed. I think that's what your friend is doing here. I wouldn't worry about not being worthy of forgiveness...you obviously care greatly about your friend so you are very worthy. I know us INFJs can be difficult so good luck with this. And if you need anymore help don't hesitate to ask us!

 

[Glycerine]

Maybe your ENFJ husband can help translate what you are trying to say to the INFJ in XNFJ language? lol

 

[Andy]

Actions speak louder than words, as they say, especially to those of us who have extroverted judgement. Rather than saying you are sorry, have you tride doing something to show that you are?

 

[Atomic Fiend]

What did you say?

 

[SilkRoad]

It may just take him some time to work through things in his head. Although, in my case, the heartfelt apology and some attempt to make amends is usually enough.

Though I have to confess I never really forgave my ex for hurting me, although he apologised, and he didn't do anything THAT horrific to me. But I guess that's my bad.

There have even been a couple of cases where I held a grudge against someone for quite a long time, because they had hurt me a lot without seemingly caring much. Once they showed that they cared, though, and they extended a sincere apology, and listened to me ramble on about it a bit, all was ok. If he is willing to talk things through with you that could help a lot.

 

[mwv6r]

I was very offended by a coworker recently and planned to doorslam her. I started avoiding her and only interacted with her when our job required it. After a few days of this though I began getting a vibe from her that she was remorseful for her previous actions and wanted to be on better terms with me again and wanted me to like her. Then I felt bad and thought that maybe I had overreacted. So I deactivated the doorslam and we're on better terms again, although I'm going to remain cautious around her until more trust is rebuilt.

So... long story short, my advice would be not to overtly address the conflict with your INFJ, but subtly show some genuine remorse as you go about your routine and maybe the INFJ will key into it, even if they seem stoic at first......

 

[scortia]

All it takes for me is for that person to SINCERELY apologize and recognize their mistake. I don't hold many grudges and it takes a lot to upset me. But in those cases, if they other person doesn't "learn their lesson" then forgiveness is pointless. Also, INFJs need time. We have to adjust our feelings and let that hate turn into a feeling of loss and a desire to regain the other party's company. Things always go into perspective with time.

 

[21%]

I agree. It's malicious intent to hurt me that I find hardest to forgive. If you show him that you are truly sorry and you didn't mean to hurt him in the first place, I think he will be able to get past it soon enough.

 

[Lily Bart]

I've never understood why "I'm very sorry if I offended you -- what can I do to make it up to you?" is so difficult for people to say. It's always all about you: I didn't mean to do it...I did it because I had a really bad day...I really thought I was trying to do ______ and you misunderstood... I never intended to hurt you... and so on. Show that you're really concerned about the person you offended and not that you need to save face.

 

[heart]

.

INFJ - Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging

Male INFJs have a more problematic situation because the qualities naturally preferred by INFJs are not those traditionally considered to be "male". To counter the image of being weak, male INFJs can become stubborn, often to a degree disproportionate to the situation at hand. They are capable of taking a seemingly small issue and making it seem as if the entire world -- or at least their masculinity -- were riding on the outcome.

Since you've already tried to apologize and see his side of things and recieved the high dudgeon treatment in return, I sort of assume your guy has done the above. My sympathy. It is not a nice place to be.

I see two choices.

1. Use an argument on him t break through his self-justifying Ni-Ti loop and reach his Fe sense of fairness. Something like: "Well how would you feel if you made some unintentional mistake and I never forgave you?"
a. Punctuate with lots of "Okay, I am not perfect, I am only human." Be humble, vulnerable when you do it, don't let one milimeter of sarcasm come into your voice, totally prostrate yourself. You're flawed, you were wrong, etc.
b. Expect lots of fire in return. It won't be an easy or pretty exchange at first.
c. This is risky because they don't like being faced with their own stubbornness or unfair actions. They will have invested much into rationalizing their emotions, it won't be easy for them to let go of it.

2. Wait. If you are important to him, he will come round sooner or later. But warning, they remember these incidents they way they saw them. Period. They can hold onto this sort of thing for years. That little mark against you in the scorebook. Oh well, no one's perfect.

 

[Rainne]

Genuinely ask for forgiveness face to face.

 

[Fidelia]

Show that you really want to understand what went into making the INFJ feel as frustrated as they are, listen to some venting, apologize sincerely, and then when it is safe, joke around a little and act normal. The INFJ will come around, as long as you seem to understand why it was a big deal to them and you feel bad for having hurt them.

 

[Julie1962]

Thanks everyone for your advice and encouragement. The friendship is lost and I have moved on. Maybe one day he'll forgive, maybe not. I know who I am and how badly I felt and how sincere my apologies were. If someone can't forgive me perhaps it wasn't a true friendship afterall.

 

[flylittlefeather]

Hi Julie1962,

I am going through the same thing. Like you, I believe in 2nd chances, so it's sad to see a friendship let go in such a quick and absolute way. Sometimes when people end friendships, though, it's after they've been smoldering for a while, so they feel like they've been giving 2nd, 3rd, 4th... chances all along.

Best wishes to you. What our friends did to us was pretty harsh, but it helps to know that other people are going through the same thing.

 

[sciski]

Lily Bart's advice was the one that made the most sense to me. It's not a type thing... it's a friendship/caring thing, where you put someone else's needs above your own need for self-justification.

Accept responsibility--no excuses, no justifications. Only in accepting responsibility can you truly feel remorse. You said it yourself--the more you tried to excuse your hurtful words, the more it seemed to push him away. If you take responsibility for your friend's hurt, it may end up hurting you, and that may be exactly what your friend needs to get over this... the sense that you share and understand his pain.

But anyway, you've moved on. I'm hoping this may help other people who fall into this predicament.

 

[Froody Blue Gem]

I generally try to be a forgiving person but once someone oversteps a certain boundary or insults me in a very personal way, I have trouble letting it go and have held onto it for years. Other than that, I am generally easygoing though and most people haven't seen this side of me and don't know it exists. I am not a generally reactive person or easily offended but I definitely do have my triggers and buttons.

For me personally, I would say if you can show me that you genuinely changed, that's a step to getting me to forgive you for whatever you did. The OP does seem genuinely sorry and deserving of forgiveness, but this is referring to in general, when I get into judgy doorslammy mode. My sensitivity varies and I can appear insensitive when I'm not comfortable with people, but I would say that I am an extremely sensitive person which leads up to these predicaments.

Or if you made it like I was in the wrong when I perceive it was the other way around, owning up to it is a step. There are situations where it's not so clearcut and that's the way that life tends to be. When I get into grudge mode, my judement gets clouded but if the other person is willing to see that they may be in the wrong, I can take a step back and see that I messed up and hurt someone too. Even when I'm in that anger mode, I can kind of see that I did something wrong if I did, but I don't feel in the least bit sorry because I focus on how the other person wronged me. I know that it's not right.