[ENFJ] hitting a wall

[fignewton]

I start saying facts, like " I accept you more than I accept myself" and then I realized how terrible that sounds. The whole world is a beautiful mess full of accidents and individuality.

and I am like putty. I do not want to hurt anyone or anything. I am recently single, unemployed. I am trying to find happiness despite no signs of success. Success is all I judge myself by, and for awhile it was heterosexual long term relationships. Now I stand, pansexual of sorts and taking in the world. I have no wall to protect me from bad people, I assume the best in all.

I love myself, but all of this flexibility just makes me want to squish myself for anyone bolder. I accept you because you exist in this world and if you think it then it's significant. This martyrdom is beautifully painful and I'm at a crossroads. I am alone. I am varying degrees of lonely.

When an ENFJ rants is it just blah blah blah, these issues are anything but tangible? I have the hardest time asking for help.... I thought about suicide last weekend when I got called a faggot. What's the point if I have to fight way through this world? If I have to hurt people?

I found the ENFJ type and it helped me see why I'm like this, but it doesn't comfort. INTPs comfort me too much and I get like, obsessive. INFPs help but only superficially and then I get need more support in a couple of days which makes me feel like a burden.


So I need someone to reassure me that I'm okay... I need to protect myself from bad people even it's hard to turn them down... I need people.... but, in what order? Being alone is so painful, but if I look for people then people hurt me...

 

[Atomic Fiend]

I feel like this belongs in welcomes. So Welcome to the forum. I guess?

I'm pansexual as well.

 

[Lucy_Ricardo]

Okay, you're all over the place, and I totally get it because I've been there myself.

I'm an INFP, and so I'm inclined to try to see the best in people. I also am a commitmentphobe--I crave closeness with others, and I also crave stability, but both of those things are products of commitment.

So in order to quit floating, I had to pick a direction and stick with it. You're unemployed--so was I. And it left me feeling worthless and unstable. But ever since landing my job, my self-worth has healed. I have a direction, a place where I have to be every day, and it has helped stymie the aimlessness.

Additionally, I've had to recognize that I can't love everyone. I can appreciate our commonality as humans who share the same planet, but there are some people who have toxic tendencies--they want to drag others down, and they seek empaths like us because we're inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt. It hurts to think that there are people you have to close yourself off to, but you have to think of your own well-being and your own sanity. We all need people, but you can't ignore your own discernment just to fill the need for contact. You can be selective without being alone.

And please know that you're not alone. It seems that way so much of the time, and it can lead us to dark thoughts, but nobody is truly alone. Just the fact that people read respond to your thread shows that there are so many out there who understand you and sympathize with you.

And I don't know if you practice any particular faith, but for me, praying helps with feeling isolated. It's a conversation with someone, and even though you may not hear someone literally speaking back, it feels like someone is actually listening. And that means everything.