[MBTI General] help an INTP understand an ESFJ

[quamdel]

So I'm LP. I'm an INTP. :hi:

My sexy co-worker is an ESFJ.

We have a date coming up...

What do I do with this chick? (I secretly want to train her shadow side and vice-versa as well)

Can someone (preferably an SJ but I ain't picky) tell me how to play and communicate with you people?

 

[quamdel]

don't ask how i got the date cuz i don't know either. And if it helps, i make her laugh. A LOT.

 

[IZthe411]

You better buy her chocolates, open up the door for her, have great table manners, only put your arm around her (no kissy on first date), and call when you get home you promise.

Things should be fine.

 

[IZthe411]

don't ask how i got the date cuz i don't know either. And if it helps, i make her laugh. A LOT.

Seems like they laugh a lot- the ones I know.

 

[Chaotic Harmony]

Yep, I laugh a lot. And it's always the big appreciative laughs.

Let's see... I really appreciate it when my guy opens doors for me... He's really good about giving me a compliment about my appearance... It's not always right off the bat, but it's always there somewhere. I like that he listens to me and offers up helpful advice without telling me I should do what he says, just merely tosses out suggestions. He listens to me even when I tend to go off on a tangent and start rambling... He never looks bored somehow...

Usually, if we are going out we like to go to a sit down restaurant, doesn't have to be anything fancy, and then we'll go to a movie or just go rent a movie. Sometimes we'll just take a walk along the riverfront or at a park. I'm pretty laid back, so I'm typically game for anything.

 

[quamdel]

thanks for the help! really i just need a way to keep our conversations going without boring her. I can deal with boredom, but she needs that stimulation.

Does anybody know where that common ground is? I will pay you to take me there!

 

[Malice]

Laughter is key, which for you doesn't seem to be a problem seeing as your sense of humour is probably one of the factors that clued her into you in the first place. Don't stress though, the best jokes are natural, don't force the funny. Bad plan

Right so *cracks knuckles* Dating an ESFJ 101 with Miss Malice.
Here we go!

DO

- Be polite [Remember your manners. open doors, don't slurp your soup, etc.]

- Compliment her, but be genuine [and don't lay it on thick. Thick compliments = fishy. She'll expect something's up. Not enough compliments though and she'll think you're not interested. So use your brain.]

- Listen to her [don't do stupid shit like talk over her when she's talking. She'll feel devalued. One speaker at a time.]

- Smile and be interested [chemistry is everything]

- Give feedback on her view and opinions. [Agree/Disagree, doesn't matter. But don't be sitting there like a turnip. No one wants to date a turnip. ]

- Don't force the touchy feely [gross.]

- Don't scare her off with waves of intense emotion [gross. time and place, dude! First date is neither.]

- Keep the date simple, short and not too expensive. [less is more and she won't feel guilty about you dropping so much cash on her, or feel the pressure of having to put out afterwards]

- Goodnight kiss is up to you. Look into her eyes as you say goodnight, if there's a sparkle or a linger of conversation she wants you. Go for it. If it's a brief, 'yeah, whatever, see ya at the office' better steer clear.

I'll pense on this some more and see what else I can come up with.
Good luck

 

[Saslou]

Malice pretty much hit the nail on the head for the most part but we are all going to be slightly different with regards to our humour, interests etc.

Do you happen to know her birthday?

 

[quamdel]

Malice pretty much hit the nail on the head for the most part but we are all going to be slightly different with regards to our humour, interests etc.

Do you happen to know her birthday?

Haha her birthday is the day after halloween, and we are both creative people

Are there any phrases I should avoid saying?

 

[Malice]

Whatever you do, keep your jokes tasteful.
ESFJ's I know are pretty sensitive, so don't be ripping on them too badly. most don't like to be criticized whatsoever.
No fat jokes, no jokes where they may feel intellectually inadequate, don't be cutting up their friends or family in any way shape or form. This may sound like pretty basic social logic to you, but trust me, some people are idiots. Dare to test those waters with an ESFJ and see how fast you're eating alone and stuck with the bill.

 

[Glycerine]

^ hahaha, my ESFJ dad loves crude sex jokes and politically incorrect jokes as long as he's around his good friends and family. However, you better watch it in public. As an ENFJ, I am the same way.

 

[Malice]

Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, I love crude sex jokes too. But it has to be with the right people. First date some guy comes at me and hits a sensitive topic? Chances are we won't be going out again. I'm just trying to give dude the heads up

 

[Glycerine]

Oh yeah, don't get me wrong, I love crude sex jokes too. But it has to be with the right people. First date some guy comes at me and hits a sensitive topic? Chances are we won't be going out again. I'm just trying to give dude the heads up

ahhh, whoops. I did not read the thread thoroughly so I didn't know that it was a first date. If that's the case, then yeah, it's a MAJOR turn off and you probably won't be going far. For example, asking what her cup size is. hinting at your sexual prowess (even jokingly), and/or awkward bathroom humor are typically a bad idea. If you guys get close, then those things probably won't be a major issue (as long as it is around good friends or in private).

 

[Malice]

Agreed.

 

[rav3n]

Not an ESFJ but have some exposure to a couple of them. Try not to introduce controversial topics because if they don't agree with you, look out, since they will take it personally even though it's not personal. They're not called guardians for no reason at all and will protect traditional values or at least what they've done.

As an example, say you introduce a topic about one night stands where you don't believe in it. If they've had some in the past, they will take it personally and act like you've personally attacked them even though there's no way you could have known.

 

[Glycerine]

^ if they are religious, watch it with any talk about evolution.

 

[Malice]

Lol, I totally agree with both of these posts. I totally would take it personally if someone started bashing one night stands and I'd had a few. So the question then remains...what is a safe zone for first date conversation?

 

[Glycerine]

No sex, religion, or politics talk until you get to know the ESFJ (well, most people) a bit?

 

[Saslou]

No sex, religion, or politics talk until you get to know the ESFJ (well, most people) a bit?

I was thinking i wouldn't mind broaching those subjects but then again, we may not date a second time if you turn into some green eyed monster spewing about the injustices of the world.

Yeah .. Infact keep the first date light hearted.

She's a Scorpio .. Passionate one you got there

 

[quamdel]

I was thinking i wouldn't mind broaching those subjects but then again, we may not date a second time if you turn into some green eyed monster spewing about the injustices of the world.

Yeah .. Infact keep the first date light hearted.

She's a Scorpio .. Passionate one you got there

Thanks for the advice guys!

I will definitely take my time with "abstract" conversation topics. She is a supervisor at a school library and one of those "below the radar" popular people, someone who lots of other "below the radar" people know. I do have one other concern:

I know she like to talk a lot.

I don't mind listening to her talk since it gives me a chance to come up with more conversation topics, but just coming out and saying "hey can you keep talking while i think of something to say" isnt too classy.

How do i let her know this?