Coeur
New member
- Joined
- Jul 13, 2009
- Messages
- 237
- MBTI Type
- INFP
- Enneagram
- 4w5
I sent this to one of my friends, and I'm going to keep it in that format. I find it to be more personal this way.
"Alright, I know you're doing enough homework to kill a million brain cells, but I'd like you to look at this when you have the time.
God's pressed something on my heart for the past couple of days: "love shouldn't hurt."
This seems to make so much sense, but it's so foreign to me. My previous thoughts were: "Hurt is inevitable in a relationship. No matter how good each person's intentions are, they will always end up hurting the other person, especially in close relationships where the stakes are higher. Don't look for the absense of pain, but for the absense of INTENTIONALLY inflicted pain." I used my previous experiences to confirm this. For example, in my relationship with Matt, I always managed to tear his heart to pieces no matter how hard I tried to do otherwise.
So, that was the flaw I witnessed in the: 'love shouldn't hurt' mantra, as much peace as it gave me. Love SHOULDN'T hurt, but it always does. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Have you ever seriously hurt me? Has God ever hurt me? Have my closest friends ever hurt me? Why should I HAVE to prove that I care with the amount of pain that I experience? Why do I HAVE to wonder if the other person cares? Why do I HAVE to feel forgotten about? Why do I HAVE to maintain the entire relationship? I SHOULDN'T. When did I ever say to myself: "this is acceptable! this is normal!"?
Which brought me to a scarier realization: I put up with it because I think I deserve it. Because I've let others down, because I've hurt those I've cared for, because I've been imperfect and inadequete, it only seems 'fair' that I should experience extreme suffering in return. It seems justified for another person to treat me unfairly; afterall, haven't I done the same to them at one time or another? However, it doesn't even need to be some BIG or intentional way that I hurt them. I take one small, accidental mistake [or even THOUGHT] that was committed years ago, and then say: "I deserve retribution." Usually, that exists in the form in unending, self-inflicted guilt that far exceeds the 'crime' that I committed. Not only do I experience guilt, but the other person gets an eternal "get out of jail free" card. I feel guilt if I accuse them of ANYTHING after what I have done, because that would be hypocritical. They get a thousand chances, but I'm not allowed to forget what I have done, even after it's a million miles from their mind. This idea of 'karma' plagues me constantly. "I just broke someone's heart. Now it's my turn." So now, the guilt has turned into dread. Note that this isn't religious; this is ME. God forgives me the second that I ask for it, but I still feel the need to punish myself.
Do you see what's wrong with this? Where is forgiveness? Where is joy? Where is peace? However, I've felt this way constantly for as long as I can remember. I'm astonished by how guilt-driven that I am. I've lived with such a warped view of what love is. I do not know if I am so constantly disgusted with myself because I failed my own moral standard, or because I "risk losing" my relationships with my 'horrible mistakes.' Nonetheless, it clearly isn't healthy. I have trouble living with myself and being happy if I've done anything wrong.
So... from now on I'm trying to break out of this pattern. Yesterday, I prayed for God to make me into something new, and that's when this: "love shouldn't hurt" realization came into being. I'm hoping that I can give myself freedom. I also want to be around people [like you] who make my happiness a priority and don't take advantage of my apparent guilt-complex. Hopefully as I get older, I'll start to experience what love really is. Love SHOULDN'T hurt."
"Alright, I know you're doing enough homework to kill a million brain cells, but I'd like you to look at this when you have the time.
God's pressed something on my heart for the past couple of days: "love shouldn't hurt."
This seems to make so much sense, but it's so foreign to me. My previous thoughts were: "Hurt is inevitable in a relationship. No matter how good each person's intentions are, they will always end up hurting the other person, especially in close relationships where the stakes are higher. Don't look for the absense of pain, but for the absense of INTENTIONALLY inflicted pain." I used my previous experiences to confirm this. For example, in my relationship with Matt, I always managed to tear his heart to pieces no matter how hard I tried to do otherwise.
So, that was the flaw I witnessed in the: 'love shouldn't hurt' mantra, as much peace as it gave me. Love SHOULDN'T hurt, but it always does. Yet, the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Have you ever seriously hurt me? Has God ever hurt me? Have my closest friends ever hurt me? Why should I HAVE to prove that I care with the amount of pain that I experience? Why do I HAVE to wonder if the other person cares? Why do I HAVE to feel forgotten about? Why do I HAVE to maintain the entire relationship? I SHOULDN'T. When did I ever say to myself: "this is acceptable! this is normal!"?
Which brought me to a scarier realization: I put up with it because I think I deserve it. Because I've let others down, because I've hurt those I've cared for, because I've been imperfect and inadequete, it only seems 'fair' that I should experience extreme suffering in return. It seems justified for another person to treat me unfairly; afterall, haven't I done the same to them at one time or another? However, it doesn't even need to be some BIG or intentional way that I hurt them. I take one small, accidental mistake [or even THOUGHT] that was committed years ago, and then say: "I deserve retribution." Usually, that exists in the form in unending, self-inflicted guilt that far exceeds the 'crime' that I committed. Not only do I experience guilt, but the other person gets an eternal "get out of jail free" card. I feel guilt if I accuse them of ANYTHING after what I have done, because that would be hypocritical. They get a thousand chances, but I'm not allowed to forget what I have done, even after it's a million miles from their mind. This idea of 'karma' plagues me constantly. "I just broke someone's heart. Now it's my turn." So now, the guilt has turned into dread. Note that this isn't religious; this is ME. God forgives me the second that I ask for it, but I still feel the need to punish myself.
Do you see what's wrong with this? Where is forgiveness? Where is joy? Where is peace? However, I've felt this way constantly for as long as I can remember. I'm astonished by how guilt-driven that I am. I've lived with such a warped view of what love is. I do not know if I am so constantly disgusted with myself because I failed my own moral standard, or because I "risk losing" my relationships with my 'horrible mistakes.' Nonetheless, it clearly isn't healthy. I have trouble living with myself and being happy if I've done anything wrong.
So... from now on I'm trying to break out of this pattern. Yesterday, I prayed for God to make me into something new, and that's when this: "love shouldn't hurt" realization came into being. I'm hoping that I can give myself freedom. I also want to be around people [like you] who make my happiness a priority and don't take advantage of my apparent guilt-complex. Hopefully as I get older, I'll start to experience what love really is. Love SHOULDN'T hurt."
