Little_Sticks
New member
- Joined
- Aug 19, 2009
- Messages
- 1,358
Last one;
There's something wrong with my gender. When I was younger, I was jealous of women because they got to look pretty and be feminine and appreciated for it. They got to enjoy their emotions too, while I had to hold them back. I thought I was ugly and hated it; I didn't understand why women would be interested in men when we looked so ... manly.
I fantasized about being a woman when I masturbated; it was the only way to do it. I'd fantasize about getting penetrated too, since it really turned me on. When I watched porn, I'd find myself imagining I was the woman, even though I don't have a preference for men. It got to the point that I'd learned how to orgasm without having to use my dick. I don't know why I did, it felt natural I guess. It used to bug me getting erections that I want to get something to stop it. I wanted one of those chastity cages so I could feel normal and maybe make my dick smaller, despite how fucking weird it is to most people.
Sex with women was kind of weird at times. I'd have to concentrate sometimes and they would ask me what I was thinking about; I'd be thinking about being them. One woman, I told I didn't want to use my dick all that much during sex. I told her about everything and she didn't want to see me anymore. That was embarrassing. I don't have sex anymore after that, at least not until I get a sex change and can have a relationship with someone that isn't repulsed by it.
But I'd see men that looked feminine and get panic attacks because I look so manly and wish I could do what they do without looking like a freak.
And I don't like traditional women. I always identified with tomboyish females in movies. I guess I always thought I was just more sensitive or something and that's why I identified with it. The funny thing is, I used to think in my teens that because I was that way, women would like me a lot when they got to know me. That was true, but women also didn't like that I wasn't a little domineering. I think I kind of get it, since I like women who are like that. Unfortunately, women aren't usually like that because it's probably a bit unnatural for them. Manly women are so sexy to me; I don't really understand it. Just the idea of a manly woman turns me on, just thinking about it.
I guess that makes me a transsexual. I'm confused though. I'm not really comfortable with the idea of being called she or he. I'd rather be considered gender-less. I don't really care about wearing women's clothes all that much, but would like to be pretty to feel good about myself. I've heard about people that supposedly get a sex change because they are attracted to the idea of being women. They don't actually believe they are women, but want to be women. And I don't understand that; it makes me wonder how different they are from me and that I might just be a confused freak or have connections in my head that went to the wrong place, making me like this. Then I wouldn't actually be a woman, but just a weirdo. I guess it's better than being a pedophile though. It's funny though when people talk about people being gay or getting turned into females in prison because I've fantasized about both at times. I have to go along with it and pretend that it's fucked up and weird. I guess that's kind of funny now, thinking about.
It does suck not being able to tell anyone though. How do you do that? I told my mom, but I don't think she understood. She seems to think it's about SEX, and partly it is, so I could feel like I have the right role, but that's not exactly the point. I don't think she actually believes I would go through with it. Yet, as soon as my 5 years are up in the Army, I'll have my student loans paid off and the cash to do what I want, so really I'm just waiting. Waiting really sucks sometimes though. It always feels like the things that are important to people in their life are the things people never seem to have control over. They have full control over all the shit instead.
There's something wrong with my gender. When I was younger, I was jealous of women because they got to look pretty and be feminine and appreciated for it. They got to enjoy their emotions too, while I had to hold them back. I thought I was ugly and hated it; I didn't understand why women would be interested in men when we looked so ... manly.
I fantasized about being a woman when I masturbated; it was the only way to do it. I'd fantasize about getting penetrated too, since it really turned me on. When I watched porn, I'd find myself imagining I was the woman, even though I don't have a preference for men. It got to the point that I'd learned how to orgasm without having to use my dick. I don't know why I did, it felt natural I guess. It used to bug me getting erections that I want to get something to stop it. I wanted one of those chastity cages so I could feel normal and maybe make my dick smaller, despite how fucking weird it is to most people.
Sex with women was kind of weird at times. I'd have to concentrate sometimes and they would ask me what I was thinking about; I'd be thinking about being them. One woman, I told I didn't want to use my dick all that much during sex. I told her about everything and she didn't want to see me anymore. That was embarrassing. I don't have sex anymore after that, at least not until I get a sex change and can have a relationship with someone that isn't repulsed by it.
But I'd see men that looked feminine and get panic attacks because I look so manly and wish I could do what they do without looking like a freak.
And I don't like traditional women. I always identified with tomboyish females in movies. I guess I always thought I was just more sensitive or something and that's why I identified with it. The funny thing is, I used to think in my teens that because I was that way, women would like me a lot when they got to know me. That was true, but women also didn't like that I wasn't a little domineering. I think I kind of get it, since I like women who are like that. Unfortunately, women aren't usually like that because it's probably a bit unnatural for them. Manly women are so sexy to me; I don't really understand it. Just the idea of a manly woman turns me on, just thinking about it.
I guess that makes me a transsexual. I'm confused though. I'm not really comfortable with the idea of being called she or he. I'd rather be considered gender-less. I don't really care about wearing women's clothes all that much, but would like to be pretty to feel good about myself. I've heard about people that supposedly get a sex change because they are attracted to the idea of being women. They don't actually believe they are women, but want to be women. And I don't understand that; it makes me wonder how different they are from me and that I might just be a confused freak or have connections in my head that went to the wrong place, making me like this. Then I wouldn't actually be a woman, but just a weirdo. I guess it's better than being a pedophile though. It's funny though when people talk about people being gay or getting turned into females in prison because I've fantasized about both at times. I have to go along with it and pretend that it's fucked up and weird. I guess that's kind of funny now, thinking about.
It does suck not being able to tell anyone though. How do you do that? I told my mom, but I don't think she understood. She seems to think it's about SEX, and partly it is, so I could feel like I have the right role, but that's not exactly the point. I don't think she actually believes I would go through with it. Yet, as soon as my 5 years are up in the Army, I'll have my student loans paid off and the cash to do what I want, so really I'm just waiting. Waiting really sucks sometimes though. It always feels like the things that are important to people in their life are the things people never seem to have control over. They have full control over all the shit instead.
